[cheering]
ETHAN SIMMONS-PATTERSON: Yeah, hell yeah,
keep it going for yourself.
[cheering]
For yourselves, nice, hell yeah, hell yeah.
I heard some people from Chicago here.
Anybody from Chicago?
[cheering]
Hell yeah, hell yeah, yeah.
What part?
What part of Chicago?
WOMAN: Like the South Side.
ETHAN SIMMONS-PATTERSON: Like the South Side?
This is a white woman.
So that's gentrification, hell yeah.
Yeah, nice.
What part are you from over here?
WOMAN: West Side.
ETHAN SIMMONS-PATTERSON: West Side, more gentrification.
All right, nice, hell yeah.
I'm from Chicago.
That's why I asked, you know?
I used to rob houses too.
That's mainly why asked.
You guys ever do that?
You guys ever rob a house?
No? Just me?
All right, cool.
I used to think that was a normal thing people did.
I thought you did that in high school.
I thought everybody did it in high school.
I thought you went to prom, hit puberty, robbed
a couple houses, you know?
Then I went to college.
And I was like, you guys ever rob a house?
And they were like, what?
And I was like, let's just play beer pong, man.
Why are we asking--
why are we talking about high school?
What the fuck is going on?
We weren't good at robbing houses though.
We would rob nice white people's houses.
So we would just end up learning stuff about houses
that we didn't know, you know?
We'd break into the house and we'd be like, oh, whoa.
Forget the robbing.
We would just leave and be like, wow,
that was a nice open concept kitchen, you know?
That was pretty dope.
I've never seen a backsplash before.
Yeah, I learned a lot about houses, man.
I didn't know you could have a finished basement.
I didn't know that was a thing.
I thought all basements came unfinished and that's
where you kept meats and dogs.
I didn't know white people were keeping their
horny teenage sons down there.
That's crazy, dude.
Just throwing Hot Pockets at Trevor down the stairs, yeah?
Yeah, man, it was fun.
It was a fun thing.
Our favorite thing to do, our favorite place
to go in these nice white homes was the kitchen.
We loved stealing stuff from the kitchen,
looking at the kitchen-- not stealing any food,
because white people, y'all know how y'all cook.
But we loved looking at the outside of the refrigerator,
the post cards that y'all have from other white families,
you know?
We thought that was dope.
We thought it was so cool, just another white family
on a post card.
We were like, what is that-- what
are they trying to communicate to each other, you know?
Just a white family like, oh, merry Christmas,
hope your family's still white.
Ours is.
You know, like it was nuts.
We wanted to participate.
We wanted to take pictures of ourselves,
put it on the fridge, you know?
Just be like, "Merry Christmas from the robbers.
We have all your shit."
We thought it was cute, man.
We thought it was a fun time.
But it is very psychological when you rob houses.
You know why you're doing it while you're doing it.
I didn't grow up with a lot of stuff,
so I was stealing from people who had a lot of things,
you know?
And my friend, he came to this conclusion
while we were robbing a house.
He was like, you know, I'm done robbing houses.
I don't want to do this shit anymore.
And I was like, that's cool, but you are actively
robbing a house right now.
I was like, I need you to find some energy
and then we can talk about whatever the fuck
you want to talk about.
And he's like, no, I'm sick of this shit.
I don't want to rob houses anymore.
I'm tired of taking that stuff.
I don't want the stuff they have.
I want their lifestyle.
I want this fucking tire swing outside.
I want the picket fence.
I want a Labrador retriever.
I turned around and he had a Labrador
retriever in his hands.
He was like, look at this motherfucker.
He's cute as shit.
He hasn't barked the whole time, you know?
And I was like, that's cool, but what
are we going to do about it?
I know what you mean, but like, what are you going to do?
He's like, I think, I think I'm going to stay.
And I was like, what?
He was like, I think I'm going to stay.
I think I'm going to talk to these nice white people
into adopting a Black son.
You know they love that shit, you know?
And he was like serious.
And I was like, you're losing your mind.
I'm about to keep robbing this house.
I don't know what the fuck you're doing, you know?
And then he was like, stop robbing my fuckin' house.
And I was like what is-- what is happening right now?
Yeah, he wanted to stay.
And then this white family started to come home.
We heard the door handle start to jiggle a little bit.
I got nervous.
I was like, what are you going to do?
He's like, (WHISPERING) I'm going to stay.
(SPEAKING NORMALLY) You know? And I jumped out the window.
I have not seen this motherfucker since.
I think he made it.
I think he lives with his nice white family.
I think they have nice white dinners every night
and they look at him, they remind him, they're like,
remember when you tried to steal from us
but you ended up stealing our hearts, you know?
Yeah, I think he made it.
I don't rob houses anymore.
I'm in New York, you know?
I love New York.
You guys like New York?
[cheering]
New York's a weird place, man.
It'll have you-- I don't know.
I just have all the weirdest interactions
in New York every time I have an interaction.
Like I bumped into this dude earlier this week.
I wasn't watching where I was going.
I was texting on my phone, right?
Bumped into him.
And he was like, yo, watch where you're going, bitch.
And I was like, whoa, we jumped to "bitch" real quick,
you know?
But the only thing I could actually say--
I was like, I'm not a bitch.
And I was just like, nah, that's something
a bitch would say, you know?
I was like, that is bitch vernacular right there, dude.
And then I tried to regroup.
And I was like, you need to watch your mouth.
And I was like, I don't like that one either,
but we're going to stand on it, you know?
And then he was like, I need to watch my mouth?
And I was like, yeah.
He was like, that's why I'm fucking your girlfriend.
And I was just like, what?
You know, I got so sad.
I was like, why would you say that, you know?
But I had like such a long day.
I was so exhausted.
I didn't want to go back and forth with this dude
doing this dumb macho shit.
So I was just like, good.
And then he was like, what? I was like, good.
I'm glad you're fucking her.
She works hard.
She deserves to be fucked.
And then he was like, what? What's going on?
And I was like, I hope you're fucking her well.
I hope you're making her cum, you know?
And he was like, please stop.
Whatever's happening, please stop.
He started to walk away.
I was like, no, come fuck my girlfriend in front of me
like a man, yeah.
Yeah, New York's a weird place, dude.
It'll have you yelling out for dudes to fuck
your girl in front of you.
I just had brunch after that.
That was a normal day for me.
I went and got some avocado toast, you know?
I don't know.
Just weird interactions happened all the time.
There was this homeless man I ran into like two years ago.
I think about this motherfucker like every day, dude.
He was asking for a dollar.
He was like I need a dollar for food.
I need a dollar for food. I gave him a dollar.
He ate the dollar.
And I was just like, oh, that's my fault. That's on me.
You said exactly what you meant.
I wasn't listening.
Yeah, I was like, this might be the smartest
dude in the fucking world.
He was like, some people pay for food.
I cut out the middle man.
You're like, all right.
Fucking entrepreneur right here, dude.
Yeah, man, I don't know.
I'm just trying to be a good person.
I feel like I'm trying to be-- you
guys trying to be good people?
[cheering]
Yeah, yeah, I'm trying to run and eat
vegetables, go to sleep on time, make your partners cum.
You know, I'm trying to do all that stuff,
yeah, trying to be a good guy.
I don't know it's hard.
I'm trying to get my like my family
into like conservation, you know,
and the environment and stuff.
Because I started-- I went hiking.
I started going hiking.
I wasn't trying to go on purpose.
I was hanging out with two of my white friends.
One of my white friends, he leaned in
to ask me a question.
He was about to ask me a question.
And then he thought about it and he was like, nah, no.
And then he went and asked my white friend
the other question.
He was like, you trying to go hiking?
And I was like, what the fuck just happened, dog?
I was like, why didn't you ask me?
He was like, ah, you know.
And I was like, what?
I was like because I'm Black?
He was like, you said it, you know?
And I was like, no, fuck that. I was like, I hike.
I hike all the time. I'm a hiking motherfucker.
Let's go hike right now. He's like, all right, cool.
We went hiking. And it was cool.
I'd never done it before.
But it was fun.
You know, but I got suspicious.
I was like, what are white people doing out there?
They're just going out there and just saying
the N-word in the woods?
Is that what y'all are doing?
Just some white dude on top of a rock
pointing out another white dude like, did you say it yet?
Hm, beautiful day for the N-word, yep.
Yeah, man, so I'm out there.
I made a mistake, though.
I told all my Black friends I was going hiking.
They didn't like that.
I was like, we got to go hiking.
Let's go hiking.
They was like, no, I'm not trying to do that.
I was like, why?
And they were like, because that's white people shit.
And I was like, what?
Just because white people do it that means we can't do it?
They were like, precisely, you know?
And I was like, no, fuck that.
I was like, give me a real reason why we don't go hiking?
And he was like, because white people go out there.
They get killed by bears.
And now we know it's an unsafe thing to do.
Let them die, you know?
And I was like, no, no, no.
I was like, what if we go out there
and we find out that bears just don't like white people?
What if that's a thing?
What if we get out there and there's a bunch of bears
with durags on and the Air Force 1s, you know,
they're playing spades and they see us.
And they was like, we couldn't wait to see y'all niggas.
What took y'all so long, yeah?
It's like, we've been killing white
people for decades trying to show y'all we're cool.
What's happening?
Yeah, man, I don't know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you got to take chances, man.
I don't know.
But I am trying to get more into nature and conservation.
And I'm starting to-- I recycle now.
You know, I never recycled.
You guys recycle?
[cheering]
Yeah, all the white people going crazy for recycling.
I try not to make that a racial thing,
but I always ask my Black friends,
I'm like, y'all recycle?
They're always like, fuck no, you know?
And I'm like, you ain't got to be enthusiastic about it.
You could have just said no.
I'm like, y'all recycle?
They're like, no.
They start dancing.
I was like, oh, you have this choreographed.
Oh, OK, cool.
Yeah, dude, I don't know.
I'm trying to get my dad into thinking
about like the environment.
We were talking about electric cars.
I was like, yeah, electric cars are good.
They're good for the environment.
You can drive electric cars.
He was like, yeah, that's cool, but you can't drive them
motherfuckers in the rain.
And I was like, what?
And he was like, they're electric.
He was like you can't-- you know what I mean?
And I was like, you think--
I was like, you think they made a car that you
can't drive in the rain?
He was like, I don't think, I know.
And I was like, what?
And then I'm so dumb.
I was like, maybe I've never saw one in the rain, you know?
It's crazy, man.
I'm trying to get them to be better people,
but it's very tough, you know?
Yeah.
I did start recycling.
I started recycling because of a weird reason.
I started recycling because of Greta Thunberg.
You guys know Greta? [cheering]
Hell yeah, hell yeah.
Yeah, it's always a weird reaction for Greta.
If you don't know Greta, she's like a weird
Nordic young woman who is like, you know, she performs-- she--
I don't know.
She has autism.
Let's be real about it, you know?
Yeah, dude, I don't know.
She is interesting.
I didn't know who she was.
I saw one of her speeches and I didn't know who she was.
And I was like, oh, what's this little white girl
doing on my screen, you know?
And why is she so angry?
If you've never seen her, she just
looks like she's always walking against wind,
you know what I mean?
She's like really dry.
You know, it's just a very dry, red face.
Every time I see Greta, I just want to put
cocoa butter all over her.
I'm like, we can save the environment,
but we can also save your skin.
You know, like I don't know what's going on.
I know you live in Narnia and it's dry up there,
but we got you.
But she was so angry.
I was like, oh, she cares about the environment.
OK, I can do that.
I can put the papers with the papers and the plastics
with the plastics, as long as this keep this dry white girl
off my screen.
You know, I can do that.
Yeah, so I started recycling.
And I don't know. It's interesting.
I'll do little steps.
I'll go to the grocery store and they'll be like, yo,
you need a plastic bag for your stuff?
And I'm like, nah, I'm good. I can carry my items out.
You know, and I carry my items out.
And I'm just like, oh, shit, I'm
just a Black man outside a grocery store with a bunch
of loose items, innocent.
There's just a cop out.
They're like, yo, what the fuck are you doing?
I'm just like, this is for Greta.
This is for the environment.
Just getting weirder and weirder as I grow older, dude.
Yeah, I don't know.
I'm a millennial though. You guys, anybody?
Clap if you're a millennial. [cheering]
[applause]
Hell yeah, hell yeah.
How are you feeling about the state of the world?
We're doing all right?
[eh]
Eh, anxious, no money, yeah, it's hard.
Yeah, we have no money.
Remember when we went to college?
We thought that we were going to do our dream jobs?
Remember that?
We looked our college counselor in the eye
and we were like, I want to be an archaeologist, you know?
And then we graduated and we were like, oh shit,
y'all found all the bones?
I didn't know y'all found all the bones.
Y'all found every bone?
OK, all right.
I guess I'll be a barista for the next 10 years,
try to figure this shit out, you know?
We've been through a lot, man.
We've seen a lot as millennials.
We don't talk about our trauma.
We've been through a lot of trauma, man.
We had trauma. Woo!
We didn't see a president get assassinated
or anything like that or a world war,
but our trauma was the internet.
We had to get through the internet as kids.
Remember that?
Remember when the internet was raw, dude,
before Charlie bit his brother's finger and YouTube.
"Ow, Charlie."
And then we're like, oh, the internet's a cool place to be,
you know?
No, the internet was nasty, dude.
It was the wild wild West.
Now it's nice.
Gen Z's internet, you can find what you're
looking for on the internet.
You know what I mean?
You can find ASMR videos, makeup tutorials.
It's a great place to be, dude.
It's a great place to be if you want it to be.
Not when we were kids.
No, when we got on the internet,
we found "Two Girls, One Cup," dude.
[cheering]
Yeah, yeah, you remember, you remember.
Don't try to act like you don't remember.
I think about those two women every goddamn day
of my life, bro.
They got to be dead.
There's no way that they're alive.
That was the nastiest video I've
ever seen in my life, man.
And it was your nastiest friend who showed it to you too.
It was your friend from a broken home who smelled weird,
you know?
They just came in your house and they was like, yo,
is your mom home?
You want to see something crazy?
Ruined your fucking life forever, dog.
Yeah, our internet was buck wild.
It was buck wild. And we had to get through it.
You guys remember Chatroulette?
You remember that? [cheering]
Yeah, remember?
We were all like, oh, I guess I'll
make some friends in Europe.
That'll be cool, make some friends across the pond.
And then Europe was like, yeah, let's be friends,
oh, oh, sacre bleu, you know?
Then we all grew up like, everybody needs therapy.
Everybody needs to go to therapy.
No shit, look at what we've seen, dude.
We've been through a lot.
You guys have been a lot of fun.
My name is Ethan. Thank you so much.
[cheering]
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