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hey there everybody and welcome to this video on how to set boundaries and prioritize self-care n relationships I'm your host Dr Dawn-Elise Snipes
a lot of us have been taught that self-care is bad or self-care means you're lazy and that's just not it when you're going to prioritize self-care
in relationships it can be a shift for a lot of people so it's important to to understand
what you want to do why you want to do it and communicate it effectively the first thing is to
establish your goals for your rich and meaningful life I know you're scratching your head you're
like what does that have to do with what you're talking about I'll get there once you figure out
what's important in your rich and meaningful life then explore how your relationships fit
into that rich and meaningful life those people that you're interacting with those people that
you need to set boundaries with how does how do they fit into your rich and meaningful Life The
Next Step all right now here we're getting to self-care examine the role in achieving those
goals of self-care in achieving those goals why is it important for you to take care of
yourself to nurture those relationships why are those relationships important in your rich and
meaningful life now you're starting to put the puzzle together once you've identified all of
this then it's important to communicate your needs for self-care using ey statements and creating a
win-win whenever possible for example I need to take some time out each week in order to regroup
and restore so I can be mentally and physically present for you so I can stay healthy and have
more energy to interact with you the other six and a half days of the week so you want to present
it to people when you're saying I need to take care of myself in a way that says I want to make
myself stronger and healthier and more present so I can nurture our relationship that's that
win-win resolve to respect boundaries both yours and theirs now we have five different types of
boundaries but the three that we're really going to focus on here are are interpersonal emotional
and cognitive and I'm not going to go through these in order emotional boundaries are how you
feel and how they feel you may feel excited about this decision to engage in self-care they may feel
terrified okay their feelings are not wrong their feelings are their feelings so it's important to
recognize if they get angry about it if they get anxious about it or if they're supportive of it
those are their feelings and it doesn't mean that your feelings are wrong cognitively same sort of
thing your thoughts are your thoughts and their thoughts are their thoughts you think of self-care
as a way to build yourself up to recharge your battery so you can be as useful and present and
effective in your relationships as possible if they think of self-care as something different
well those are their thoughts that is a boundary that's important to set and to say this is what
I believe about self-care this is what I believe about this situation you don't have to agree but
I don't have to change my thoughts okay so how I feel is how I feel what I think is what I think
how you feel and think is how you feel and think that's one of the core features of respecting
boundaries when you're respecting those boundaries you're not going to quote allow them to Stomp all
over your boundaries and guilt you into changing your mind and finally interpersonal boundaries
when you're resolving to engage in self-care especially if the person you're in a relationship
with has a um sense a fear of abandonment they may start getting really anxious and decide okay you
can engage in self-care but we're going to do it together and maybe part of your self-care is just
needing downtime time alone maybe you're more of an introvert whatever for whatever reason if you
need time alone then it's important to assert that and not let that person dictate how you engage in
self-care and we're going to talk about compromis in a minute it's important when you're maintaining
those boundaries to recognize other people's reactions as their own and these reactions
may be based on what they believe or what they've been taught about self-care if they've been taught
that self-care means you're lazy or self-care is not something you can do until everything else
is done whatever it is that they've been taught okay those are their beliefs and if you are doing
something that is runs counter to their beliefs then they may feel anxious or angry or frustrated
because they don't understand where you're coming from their reaction is based on the meaning they
assign to your choice to take care of yourself if they hear you say I want to do this so I can
be fully restored and charged so I can be most effective effective on our relationship and they
hear that and they accept that then that's wonderful if they hear that and they think
oh that's just an excuse because you're getting ready to leave me then their reaction is going
to be completely different but that is based on their thoughts and their feelings their reaction
can also be based on their own need for self-care and inability or unwillingness to prioritize it
now an unwillingness to prioritize self-care kind of goes back to the beginning when we talk about
their beliefs about self-care if they don't believe it's important if they're not willing
to prioritize it then they may not support your decision to prioritize it and I have inability in
here and yes even adults may have an inability to prioritize self-care if they don't understand what
they need if they don't recognize ize that they have a issue that needs to be addressed nobody
in their family ever engaged in self-care nobody they know engages in self-care so it's just this
foreign concept to them and they may not have the tools and resources to even acknowledge
that there's a need all right however they respond respond to their feelings if they start
getting anxious or AG itated or angry or critical criticism is often a um aggressive response when
somebody feels like they're losing control when they start feeling anxious that they're losing
control okay so let's recognize what their reaction is saying respond to their feelings
if they are seeming to act anxious because maybe they're fearing that you're going to abandon them
or reject them or you're engaging in self-care because you don't want to spend time with them
and that's just an excuse whatever their thoughts are their feelings are that of anxiety and threat
and an anger so it's important to respond to their feelings and say you know what you're safe I love
you I'm here for you I really want to spend time with you and this has nothing to do with
you except for the fact that I want to be able to be more present and more effective when we are
together reasserting that can be helpful and inquire about their thoughts don't assume if
they start getting angry or anxious when you say hey I need to take care of myself then
acknowledge their feeling I sense that you're feeling really anxious or really irritated about
this all right acknowledge their feeling that is their feeling and they have the right to it but
then inquire about their thoughts I'm wondering what about my decision to engage in self-care is
problematic for you or is causing you to feel angry or anxious I know when people get out
of Residential Treatment a lot of times they do something called 90 and 90 which means going to
90 12-step meetings in 90 days which is supposed to be one every day not like six on one day but
I digress anyhow um a lot of of significant others of these people don't understand why
they are going to these meetings every single day and they may feel somewhat rejected they may fear
the person is relapsing they may there may be a lot of fears and thoughts and resentments and
all kinds of stuff coming up I don't know for any individual person I don't know why they may have
a negative reaction to their their significant other going to those meetings engaging in that
self-care but clearly through over 20 years of working with people with addictions it is very
common for significant others to want their loved one to be healthy and whole and recovered and all
that and feel insecure and anxious and even resentful when the person is taking care of
themselves some times it's because they want to spend time with the healed person there's a lot
of reasons that's a different video and then reflect on your reactions they react however
they react you respond to their feelings you inquire about their thoughts you talk it out
respecting boundaries but then it's important to reflect on your own reactions the feelings
and thoughts you're having right now about self-care are they yours or have you let that
person manipulate your thoughts and feelings guilt you into something are the feelings and thoughts
you're having right now about the other person's reaction are they yours or again are they sort of
um Modified by that person trying to make you feel guilty and telling you you are doing this
to me and and uh trying to get you to not engage in self-care all right you just got to decide am
I feeling and thinking the way that is true to me or am I caving is basically what it comes to and
are you choosing your behaviors on what helps you move toward your rich and meaningful life
remember that was the first thing we talked about Define your rich and meaningful life and examine
how self-care is is important to that so are you choosing behaviors based on what helps you move
toward your rich and meaningful life or based on what the other person guilted you into doing and
so often I see unhealthy compromises where someone says okay well I won't engage in self-care or I'll
only do it 20% of the time that I wanted to um and it's important to determine what is it that
you need and how can you get it yeah you may not be able to get it at the same time when you want
it every day so for example we'll stick with 90 and 90 the person who is needing to go to
90 meetings in 90 days maybe it's not ideal for them to go to the 6:00 meeting every night because
that's when their significant other is trying to get the kids ready for bed and making dinner and
their significant other really needs help or would prefer to have help okay so that's fine
can you stick around help your significant other out with that so they don't feel overwhelmed and
then go to the 7 o'clock meeting so there's a compromise you're still going to your meeting
you're still taking care of yourself but you may be choosing a time that is more conducive to
supporting the uh relationship that's important in your rich and meaningful life self-care it's
non-negotiable it's like charging up your your phone you got to do it or the battery dies if
you're exhausted or burned out you have no energy for those things that are important in your rich
and meaningful life and after all just like your phone what happens when your battery goes dead