-And now we're going to get to the news.
When asked last week by reporters if he was confident
that he could get voting rights legislation passed,
President Biden said, "I hope we can get this done,
but I'm not sure." Wow.
[ Laughter ]
Quite a turn from the "Yes we can" days.
It's like Nike changing their slogan to,
"I don't know, go for it if you want."
[ Laughter ]
First Lady Dr. Jill Biden volunteered at a food bank
yesterday and wore a Philadelphia Eagles T-shirt,
which was a nice way of showing
she understands pain and hardship.
[ Laughter ]
Former President Donald Trump held his first rally of the year
over the weekend in Arizona
and is already back to telling lies.
-I love Arizona. -Come on.
[ Laughter ]
The CDC is reportedly
experiencing a massive wave of staff burnout,
and even that was reported two weeks late.
[ Light laughter ]
Americans will be able to order free
at-home rapid coronavirus tests
from the federal government this week
and an equally timely news 2020 New Year's glasses.
We like to get you the tests after the wave.
Former President Trump has reportedly been complaining
to confidants about Florida Governor Ron DeSantis
and said he has a, "dull personality."
I'm sorry, that's suddenly a concern of yours.
Your vice president was like
if a rice cake went to Bible school.
[ Laughter ]
Republican Senator Mitt Romney warned in a new interview
that Russian President Vladimir Putin
is attempting to weaken the NATO alliance
and recreate the Soviet Union.
Oh, thanks, Mitt. [ Laughter ]
Mitt Romney's like a dad who wanders in while you're watching
"Harry Potter" and says,
"that Voldemort fella looks like bad news to me."
We know dad! Get out!
DirecTV announced on Friday
that it will drop the far right television
Channel One America News from its service
once its current contract expires
or sooner, if it rains really hard.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, thought that was going to be a joke about OAN,
but we went after DirecTV.
[ Laughter ]
A Florida Republican
who lost a congressional special election last week
by 59 points is refusing to concede the race,
but eventually he'll have to go back to his old job
as Florida's math teacher of the year.
[ Light laughter ]
Hopefully, people watching this on DirecTV
got some really hard rain before that joke.
[ Light laughter ]
And finally, according to a new study,
playing a tape recording of people's names
while sleeping can improve name recall the next day,
so shout out to my writers Ian, Bryan, and turn tape over.
[ Laughter ]
So there was a new study about an old-timey tape player.
President Biden is reportedly planning to communicate
more directly with the American people
in an effort to increase his poll numbers,
so you might want to switch to the unlimited plan.
Uh-Huh. Yeah. Build back better, right?
No. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. No, Amtrak's great.
Listen, I have to be like up in like four hours.
House Democrats are reportedly urging party leaders to abandon
President Biden's build back better bill
and instead break up the proposals
into a series of smaller defeats.
[ Light laughter ]
The Senate today took up debate on a House-passed
voting rights package that combines the Freedom to Vote Act
and the John R. Lewis Voting Rights Advancement Act.
Of course, it's already dead in the water
thanks to can't act and won't act.
In a new interview, a political strategist,
James Carville, said the Democrats should,
"Just quit being a whiny party and get out there and fight
and tell people what you did." Said Democrats, "Sounds hard."
[ Laughter ]
Former New York Mayor Bill de Blasio announced today
that he will not run for governor.
He then announced something else,
but no one heard it over the thunderous applause.
[ Laughter ]
A video gained attention online
over the weekend of Oklahoma Pastor Mike Todd
spitting in his hand and rubbing it onto his brother's eyes
during a sermon which is weird for a pastor
but very on brand for an older brother.
[ Laughter ]
Health officials in Greece yesterday
imposed a vaccine mandate for all citizens over 60 years old.
So if you're a 60-year-old in Greece, you're Rizzo.
[ Laughter ]
I had a very depressing thing just happen where,
you know, there was one person enthusiastically liked it
and I'm like, "Well, at least there's one audience member
here worth their salt."
[ Laughter ]
And then I turned around and it was Amber.
It was it was our writer, Amber Ruffin.
And now I'm starting to think
you didn't even laugh at the joke.
I, knowing Amber, you were laughing at how it went.
You're out of the Pink Ladies!
I would never do this stirring the show,
but we're going to we're going to stop it all down
and make everybody watch "Grease."
[ Laughter ]
A man in South Dakota, was arrested recently
after his mother served brownies that he made with
marijuana butter at a senior center,
caretakers became suspicious
when that night's comedian got laughs.
[ Laughter ]
The FDA last week approved the first treatment
to control arthritis pain for cats.
It will replace the old treatment
a brick in a burlap sack.
[ Laughter ]
Clear the palate.
[ Laughing ]
[ Normal voice ] And finally, according to a new study,
men who live alone for years
are at a greater risk of developing inflammation.
It's just a lot of stress to put on one wrist.
[ Laughter ]
Makes you reassess the dead cat joke, though.
Tomorrow will mark the end of the first year
of President Biden's time in office, so buddy,
you got like 24 hours to make something happen.
You got to cancel student debt
or bring back "Lost" or something.
I mean, even MSNBC is struggling with headlines.
The House committee investigating the Capitol attack
issued a subpoena yesterday to Rudy Giuliani,
though really all you have to do to make
Rudy appear is draw a pentagram on the floor with Maalox.
[ Laughter ]
The Biden administration announced a plan today
to give Americans hundreds of millions
of high quality medical-grade face masks.
They're just doing that now. What?
What are they sending out next, sour dough starter?
That's right, the Biden administration will distribute
hundreds of millions of high-quality masks
through pharmacies like Walgreens and CVS.
Unfortunately, they're behind the razors
and the one guy with the key is on lunch break.
[ Laughter ]
A White House official told CNN
that the distribution of 400 million
free N95 masks next week is, "The largest deployment
of personal protective equipment in U.S. history."
Besides, of course, the week that freshman
head off to college.
[ Laughter ]
Democratic Louisiana Senate candidate Gary Chambers
released a new campaign ad yesterday
about legalizing marijuana
that appears to show him smoking a blunt.
"He's got my vote," said people who will forget to vote.
[ Laughter ]
Walmart is reportedly planning to create its own NFTs,
and if you want a laugh, ask one of their greeters about it.
I have no idea where that is. Maybe transporting goods?
[ Laughter ]
The cost for an annual Citibank membership in New York
will increase next week by six dollars,
so to get their money's worth,
riders will have to start throwing
an additional bike into the Hudson every week.
[ Laughter ]
According to a new survey, 19% of adults
are participating in so-called dry January,
which is what your girlfriend experiences
when you show her your Wordle score.
[ Laughter ]
You feel like 3% better than we thought.
And finally, the Red Cross will offer blood donors
a chance to win tickets to the Super Bowl.
If they donate this month, and for many donors,
this could be their only chance to go.
President Biden yesterday held
a 1 hour and 51 minute press conference.
It was the first thing Americans actually wish
Joe Manchin had stopped. [ Light laughter ]
During his press conference yesterday,
President Biden said Republicans were responsible
for some of his stalled agenda and added,
"I, honest to God, don't know what they're for."
Of course, that's the same thing he said about AirPods.
[ Laughter ]
Today is the one-year anniversary of President
Biden's inauguration,
and he's not going to like Amanda Gorman's new poem.
"There once was a man named Joe Biden
whose office he usually cried in."
All right, that's enough.
President Biden said yesterday that his first year in office
has been, "A year of challenges."
But he'd rather focus on the positives like your COVID test.
I can make it because I've had it now.
[ Laughter ]
The Supreme Court voted eight to one yesterday
in favor of releasing former President Trump's
White House records to the House Committee
investigating the January attack on the Capitol eight to one.
This may be the first recorded instance of Donald Trump
inspiring bipartisanship. [ Laughter ]
Former President Trump said yesterday that House
Speaker Nancy Pelosi should be banned from trading stocks,
which brings us to a segment called,
"Dammit, I agree with Trump."
♪♪
Man, there is nothing worse than hearing a Trump opinion
and thinking "The man's got a point."
But damn it, I agree with Trump.
The only other time this has happened was when he said
Ted Cruz might be the Zodiac Killer.
Oh wait, I forgot.
Also, that press conference where he said
McDonald's breakfast should be all day.
This has been, "Dammit, I Agree With Trump."
A British judge recently ordered a neo-Nazi
convicted on terror -- convicted of terror charges
to read classic literature as part of his sentence,
including Jane Austen's "Pride and Prejudice,"
said the neo-Nazi, "Sweet, my two favorite things."
Former President Trump -- they say "Sweet" a lot.
People don't know that about neo-Nazis,
but they, you know, they're like, "Sweet."
[ Laughter ]
Former President Trump is currently on a media tour
promoting his new photo book
"Our Journey Together," and he's already being sued by iPhoto.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, a wildlife YouTerber,
a YouTuber on a trip to Thailand
recently discovered a new species of tarantula
that lives inside a bamboo plants.
Yikes. That is a terrifying thought that that even exists.
A wildlife YouTuber, I mean.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪