Micro cheating. This is
definitely a hot topic right now
and maybe to some people a bit
controversial. And to be
completely honest, as we were
preparing for this podcast, I
was sitting here making a lot of
faces of interpretation of like,
Ah, this is a very slippery
slope of a topic. So what is
micro cheating? Basically, at
its core, this term micro
cheating, I'll read the
definition that an article on
mashable.com gives. It says that
micro cheating is the form of
engaging in inappropriate
behaviors or interactions that
teeter around the edges of
intimacy, or attempts
facilitating intimacy with other
people, or as our producer for
this episode said, would your
spouse be okay, if they saw you
doing this, really, at its core
micro cheating is less about the
behaviors that someone might be
doing and more about the
intention that someone has
behind them. If you've listened
to any of the talks, or YouTube
videos or podcasts that I have
done, where I've talked about
topics like this, or similar to
this, then you may know that my
husband and I have a very open
conversation policy in our
marriage about things like this.
So with the question of Would
you be okay, if your spouse saw
you doing this, my husband knows
that if I ever feel like I've
been in a situation where
someone was flirting with me, or
I may have inadvertently been
flirting back to them, or
whatever it is, typically, the
first thing I do, especially if
I feel like I shouldn't tell my
husband, is I go and I tell my
husband, because it's the things
that grow in fester and fester
inside of the dark that you
don't want growing and festering
inside of the dark. So
typically, what I have always
done, not just typically what I
have always done, is gone and
told my husband, this happened.
Either someone did this to me,
or I said this to someone, and I
think they took it the wrong
way. And I just need you to
know, why do I do that. Number
one, it takes the power of the
situation away. If I feel like
I'm trying to hide something
from my spouse, not just me, but
people in general when we feel
this good feeling of someone
replying to us or texting us in
a flirty way, or they said
something nice at work. And I'm
just not going to tell my
husband about this because I
like the way that this feels
when we start to like the way
that other people, especially
the opposite sex make us feel to
such an extent that we don't
want our spouse to know because
if our spouse knew than we may
have to come face to face with
stopping that behavior or
stopping those interactions.
That's when a major red flag
goes up. And yes, I say a major
red flag there. Even if you
haven't touched each other or
held hands or kissed or done
anything else, even if none of
those things have happened. If
inside of you, you begin to feel
feelings towards that person
that really are only reserved
for your spouse. You need to
stop it. If you begin to feel
things and you think, Well, let
me put it this way. If your
spouse were to feel those
feelings about another man or
another woman in the way that
you're feeling about this other
person, you wouldn't want that
to happen. And wouldn't you want
to know, that's why this is so
important to nip in the bud
before it gets full blown. One
of the things we talk about a
lot at marriage helper is this
term limits which is falling
madly in love with another
person. And limits doesn't just
happen overnight. It happens
over time. In situations just
like the ones I've been
outlining. If you've been liking
a bunch of another person's
photos on social media, you
start direct messaging them, you
start texting with someone from
work, you start hanging out
after hours, and you don't
really think anything of it
because you're just friends and
you would never do anything.
That is the prime foundation for
how people end up falling in
love with someone they never
meant to fall in love with. So
it's best to identify those
feelings that you might be
having now, even though they
feel good, even though it might
be stroking your ego, you might
be getting some pride from it.
You might feel young and flirty,
because someone's paying
attention to you. That is the
red flag of you need to back off
from that other person in
contact if at all possible, and
go back to an appropriate
relationship and maybe even tell
your spouse. Now I realize that
my husband and I we have a very
open dialogue about that. And
from what I've heard from some
other people, there are some
husbands or some wives who if
their spouse came to them and
said, Hey, I'm i Hey, this
happened or I'm struggling with
feelings of attraction towards
the other person, that might not
be something that your spouse
could handle, if that's not a
conversation that you've had in
the past in a way that you both
can have grace toward you saw
each other and understand that
like, this is part of the
temptations that come to
marriage. And so maybe that's
not the way you handle it right
now. But the bottom line of
nothing else is you need to stop
doing the behavior that's
leading you to feel that way.
Another part of this to consider
if you feel like your spouse is
micro cheating, is to have a
conversation with them about how
you feel. And again, these micro
cheating things, it may not even
be a person that you or your
spouse has real access to, like
in real life, these could be
just things that your spouse is
doing of the people they're
watching on Instagram, or
YouTube and the kinds of
comments that they leave or the
messages that they're sending,
that could make you feel
uncomfortable. If you've seen
them publicly, hopefully, you
haven't been breaking into their
phone to look at this. But if
you've been seeing some of the
things and you feel like your
spouse is flirting, or maybe you
were at a party, and you felt
like your spouse got a little
too flirtatious or was trying to
show off a little bit too much
with someone that they just met.
And it could be an opportunity
to simply have a discussion, and
to lead with curiosity. So
instead of leading that
discussion with Why were you
flirting with that girl at the
party, it may simply be Hey, I
noticed that you were having
what seemed to be a pretty
intimate conversation with that
girl. Can you tell me more about
what was going on? And just
start being curious, like, how
did you feel when you were
talking with her. And then
ultimately, the idea, the goal
is to get to where you can share
with your husband or your wife,
it can happen either way. And
say, you know, I feel like it
was a little inappropriate,
maybe you were trying a bit too
hard, or you came across as a
bit too flirty. And I just want
us to be mindful of that. Now,
this is a difficult
conversation, very likely your
spouse might get defensive when
you say that to them. And the
goal isn't to try and blame
them. It's not to try and get
them defensive. But to simply
have this open conversation
about not engaging in some of
these behaviors or activities,
and really protecting the
marriage. Because that's the
goal here. The goal is how can
we do everything we can to build
a moat of protection around our
marriage, because here's what I
can tell you, every single thing
in this world, every single
force, every single, fill in the
blank with whatever you want to
call it, is going to try and rip
apart your marriage. There's
always going to be temptations
of any kind for lying for
cheating, being attracted to
someone else. I mean, there's
always going to be the
temptation. And it's not because
you or your spouse is a bad
person. It's because marriage is
hard. And there's a lot of
people and a lot of forces in
the world that don't want
marriage to work. Marriage is
the background, and are the
backbone of a strong society
have a strong culture, a healthy
nuclear family, according to all
of the research is fundamental
to a healthy society, and to
healthy humans. And so there's a
lot of things that are trying to
attack that, especially
according to my belief system,
your goal, and what I hope your
goal is, is to do everything you
can to fortify and protect the
commitment that you've made, and
the marriage that you have. And
that is going to involve having
some hard conversations, it's
also going to involve walking
away from certain situations
that make you feel a certain way
that you shouldn't feel people
who may make you feel a certain
way, the guy at work, who always
says the nice things to you and
makes you feel good and starts
flirting with you might be hard,
difficult conversation to cut
that off. But is it going to
protect your marriage, it's
going to be hard to maybe curate
the content that you see on
social media so that you don't
see things that are going to
give you fantasies about what it
would be like if you weren't
with your spouse, but how much
better is it going to be for you
to not see those things so that
you can fully appreciate your
spouse, and everything they are
and everything that they've
devoted and given to you into
the marriage. That's the goal.
Protect the marriage, curate the
content outside of your life. So
you protect the marriage. Choose
your friendships wisely outside
of your marriage so that you
protect the marriage, because
your marriage is the most
important earthly relationship
that you can have and that you
will have So it's absolutely
worth it to do everything you
can to make it as strong as it
can be. We actually had a
listener submit a question about
this. She says, My husband and I
have been married for 15 years.
And I recently found out that
he's been texting women that he
works with and even paying for
their lunch, if they go out to
eat during their lunch break,
should I confront him on it? I
don't necessarily think he's
cheating. But it feels like a
breach of trust. And I don't
know what to do about it. My
encouragement to this listener,
would be to say, Well, the first
question I have is, how did you
find out this information?
Because if you found out this
information by breaking into his
phone breaking into his email
going and snooping, then it's
not that you shouldn't confront
the issue, but it's going to be
harder to confront the issue,
because the first thing that's
going to come out of your
spouse's mouth mouth when you
confront this is saying, why
were you spying on me? Or why
were you snooping on me, and
they're not really going to hear
the heart of what you're trying
to say. But let's just say here,
that you found it by seeing the
bank statement, or someone at
his work told you that this was
going on, then I believe it's
incredibly appropriate. Again,
by leading with curiosity, to go
to your husband and say, Hey, I
recently found out that this was
happening. Let me tell you how I
feel. The goal of the
conversation I want to have with
you isn't to make you feel bad
about what you've been doing.
But I want to understand what we
can do to make sure that our
marriage is good that our
marriage is in a in a healthy
spot. And also to make sure that
I don't feel like there's been a
breach of trust. So you're not
necessarily at this point
asking, Why did you do this?
Because that can feel very
confrontational and can lead him
to become defensive. But it's
setting up the framework of the
conversation to where you're
saying, here's how I feel about
it. And using I statements, not
you did this, and you're such a
jerk, how could you do it? But,
you know, I feel like maybe
there's been a breach of trust,
I'm concerned that maybe you
aren't happy in the marriage.
Let's talk about this. And then
also followed up with my goal
for this conversation is as
follows. I don't know what your
goal specifically is. But let's
say your goal is, I want to talk
about what's going on in our
marriage. If there's if there's
anything we need to talk about
that I need to be aware of that
you're that you're feeling
unfulfilled, but then I also
want to talk about how this
really felt like a breach of
trust to me. And can we talk
about? Can we talk through that
and then make a plan moving
forward? Is that something that
you can do with me right now.
And then approach the
conversation from there, you're
leading with curiosity, you're
not being defensive, you're not
blaming him, but you're trying
to have an honest conversation
about it. And it still goes back
to exactly what we said before.
The goal here is to protect your
marriage. And these things can
become very slippery slopes. I
mean, we didn't even cover the
parts of this. We just assumed
that these are people that you
know, we didn't even cover the
parts of this that have to do
with pornography and explicit
material online and other things
that maybe some people would
call micro cheating, but are
definitely other types of
breaches of trust, especially
intimate intimately in the
intimacy area, which can be a
whole other episode in and of
itself. Here's what I want you
to know. Marriage is important.
And no matter what's happening
in your marriage right now, we
believe that there is always
hope, and that nothing is
unrecoverable. Even if it feels
like you are facing a mountain
right now that you have no idea
how to begin to climb, we can
help you with that, inside of
our save my marriage membership,
which you can get a special
offer to join for your first
month by going to marriage
helper.com/podcast. We
specifically have content and
resources and a support
community to help you navigate
situations just like this.
Whether you are the one who has
been struggling with micro
cheating or you feel like your
spouse has this is a serious
issue. I wouldn't say you need
to freak out about it. But it's
not something you need to just
brush under the rug and explain
away either. It's definitely
something that needs to be dealt
with so that you can rebuild
trust in your marriage so that
you can rebuild intimacy and
ultimately create your dream
life together, which is a huge
part of what we help you do here
at marriage helper. You can go
to marriage helper.com/podcast
to get that offer to join the
membership. And until the next
episode, I want you to remember
there is always hope