- So the bartender come over,
he's like "I think you should leave, man" to the guy
and then filled up my wine.
(playful music)
- Today we are sharing our online dating horror stories.
- Is there a theme because I probably have a story
for every possible genre.
- So I've been online dating off and on for years now.
You come across the same people on those apps quite often.
- So I went on a date with this guy.
I matched with him on Tinder,
and how it was late for the date,
so I was just drinking alone at the bar,
talking to the bartender, and then he gets there
and he tried to like shove a cookie in my mouth,
and I didn't even see him.
It wasn't like we knew each other,
I was just sitting there at the bar
talking to the bartender and the next thing I know,
there's a cookie, which is normally what a delightful treat.
So he sits down and how was like "so what do you do?"
I'm like I really like comedy, I'm a writer.
He was like oh yeah, I wanted to do that
when I was young too.
I'm like you're like two years older than me.
He was like you should stop doing comedy
and work for the government because it pays well,
and I was like drunk at this point because he wasn't there
so I was drinking wine at the bar.
I was like arguing with him kind of.
I thought I was being cute, and then he's like hey,
I'm entitled to my opinion, and I was like absolutely.
I'm entitled to think your opinion's (bleep) dumb.
And then he stood up and said "you're a (bleep)
"I'm leaving," and I took my wine glass
and I went to go throw it in his face, but it was empty.
So the bartender came over, he's like
"I think you should leave, man" to the guy,
and then filled up my wine,
and then I was properly drunk and as I was leaving,
I was like you know who might be interested?
The bartender.
So I didn't leave him my number,
but I did call him the second I got outside
and was like "hey, can I talk to the bartender?"
Did not get a call back from the bartender.
I was a lush who got called a bitch on a date,
so I'm not the hey I wanna make a mom out of her
(laughs) type.
- I was on Tinder and I see this very attractive woman,
and I'm like oh, like you seem dope.
They're traveling from London
and they were just leaving, literally,
so we couldn't even meet and hang out.
So we kept on talking.
I watched so much Catfish that I probably
should have like looked up something,
but I think I really just wanted someone to talk to.
And so we're having a lot of conversations,
and this goes on for a month and a half, I would say.
So I had no plans on going to London,
and they were like oh, my job's sending me back to LA.
I was like dope, oh my gosh, we should hang out,
and they are like "yeah, where should I get an Airbnb?"
So then I went on my Facebook fan page,
and I get like a lot of direct messages.
So I was looking at them from strangers
and one was like hey, do you know so-and-so?
And I was like uh, yeah.
She then sent me this whole paragraph
of like this person has been lying to you.
At work she was saying that she was going to LA
to move in with you and that she planned on staying with you
and isn't coming back here, and you guys are in love,
and I was like uh.
Like I'm quick to fall in love, but I don't,
I've never even met this person in real life,
and so I immediately was like oh (bleep)
and then I was like thank you for this,
and then never talked to them again.
Literally I just cut it off,
and we even moved our conversation from Tinder
to WhatsApp, so that was like a step,
all to find out that this person was lying
to everybody and saying that they were gonna
come and live with me in LA.
- A couple years ago, went on a date.
When we matched, he didn't have any like
very obvious features that made him stand out.
There was just something about him that I was like
hmm, this seems familiar.
When I got to the date, I immediately realized
that I had been on a date with him before
like five years ago.
It it's a good date either,
it was a super awkward, weird date,
but I was stupid enough to show up again.
I sort of made up a character for myself
so that he wouldn't realize that he had
also been on a date with me.
It was kind of an acting experience.
At one point, I let slip that I had a sister out here,
and because I'm British, that stands out,
and I saw his face change and he sort of went,
so I just started rambling to make him not think about that.
I was like (mutters) how many dogs do you have?
At the end of the date, you know, we said goodbye,
luckily it wasn't a very long date
because again, we didn't really click,
hence I'd forgotten him in the first place.
I got a text from him and he was like
you know, I just realized something really funny,
we've been on a date before,
and I was like oh god, please don't.
If you admit that you know who I am,
that means that you also know that I lied
about every single thing that you asked me.
And that was the last time I ever saw him, surprisingly.
If he watches this, I'm really sorry.
Hope you, you know, married now.
- Yeah, I feel like I have learned
to meet people in person.
I feel like I've also learned not to trust people so easily.
- If you're online dating, it's a lot to remember,
so maybe if you go on a date with someone,
maybe take a screenshot of their profile
and keep it somewhere safe.
That sounds like a bit of a psycho thing to do,
but it will save you getting in the situation I got in.
- The lesson I learned was to definitely
not continue a date with someone who wears
a neon band on their watch as an adult.
That's a red flag.
- You know what kids, be safe out there.
I know we're all trying to be loved and shit,
but just be safe.
- Also try not to make up an entire personality
for yourself on a date to save embarrassment,
because it will come back and bite you in the (bleep)
(playful music)