>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WELCOME BACK.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT GUEST IS A VERY FUNNY COMEDIAN
AND COHOST THE PODCAST "HANDSOME."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," THE VERY
HANDSOME TIG NOTARO. ♪ ♪
[CHEERING] HELLO, TIG.
TIG, ALWAYS GOOD TO SEE YOU. HOW ARE YOU DOING?
>> Tig: I'M DOING OKAY. >> Stephen: YOU SEEM LESS THAN
THRILLED. WHAT'S GOING ON?
>> Tig: WELL, HONESTLY, I AM SICK OF YOUR BULL[BLEEP]
>> Stephen: GET IN LINE. WHAT DO YOU MEAN THIS TIME?
WHAT IF I DONE TO YOU? >> Tig: I DON'T KNOW, STEPHEN.
AUGUST 22ND I STARTED MY PODCAST.
>> Stephen: "HANDSOME" GREAT PODCAST.
>> Tig: THANK YOU. THREE HANDSOME COHOSTS.
>> Stephen: YOU, FORTUNE FEIMSTER, MAE MARTIN.
>> Tig: YEAH, CROWD GOES MILD. AND THEN I DON'T KNOW, STEPHEN,
A COUPLE WEEKS LATER, YOU START A PODCAST WITH THREE HANDSOME
COHOSTS. >> Stephen: I ACTUALLY --
[BOOING] LISTEN, NO.
IT'S STRIKE FORCE FIVE. THERE'S FIVE OF US.
>> Tig: RIGHT, BUT ONLY THREE OF YOU ARE HANDSOME.
>> Stephen: TOUCHE. TOUCHE, MAESTRO.
>> Tig: TOO GAY. >> Stephen: HOW DID YOU ALL
COME TOGETHER FOR "HANDSOME." WHY DID YOU CALL IT "HANDSOME?"
>> Tig: OKAY, WE ARE ALL THREE STAND-UPS.
AND FRIENDS AND WE WANTED TO HAVE A RIDICULOUS TIME, WHICH WE
DO. "HANDSOME," IT'S A FLUID WORD,
YOU KNOW. >> Stephen: HANDSOME MAN OR
HANDSOME WOMAN. >> Tig: HANDSOME ARCHITECTURE.
A HANDSOME SUIT. AND THEN ALSO THE OBVIOUS, WHY
WE CALL IT HANDSOME. WE ARE ALL VERY HANDSOME.
>> Stephen: YOU ARE. VERY HANDSOME.
STRIKING. STRIKING.
WE ARE COMING UP ON. >> Tig: WE ARE.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU A FAN OF THIS HOLIDAY?
>> Tig: IT IS HANDSOME DOWN -- HANDS DOWN MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY.
>> Stphen: WHAT IS IT ABOUT YOU ENJOY?
>> Tig: WELL, I MEAN, I LOVE THE TYPICAL THING OF GETTING
TOGETHER WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY.
I LOVE SPENDING IT WITH YOU EVERY YEAR.
SOME PEOPLE BELIEVE WE SPEND THANKSGIVING TOGETHER.
>> Stephen: HOW IS THAT NOT BELIEVABLE.
I CAN IMAGINE YOU PASSING ME THE POTATOES.
>> Tig: [LAUGHS] I CAN IMAGINE PASSING YOU
POTATOES. LIKE A SACK OF POTATOES.
>> Stephen: I TELL YOU WHAT I REALLY WANT TO TALK ABOUT IN
TERMS OF THANKSGIVING THEM THE MEAL.
I KNOW THAT YOU'RE A VEGAN PARENT A LOT OF VEGANS HAVE
TRICKS TO MAKE THINGS SUPER TASTY.
PUTTING YEAST ON THINGS, LIKE FAKE CHEESE AND STUFF LIKE THAT.
WHAT IS THAT? I WAS GIVEN THIS WITH LITTLE
EXPLANATION. WHAT IS IT?
>> Tig: THIS IS MY OWN CREATION AND IT'S SOMETHING --
WELL, I STARTED MAKING THIS BECAUSE WHEN OUR FAMILY BECAME
VEGAN, I WAS THE TYPICAL PERSON. NERVOUS THAT WERE NOT GOING TO
GET ENOUGH NUTRITION OR HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET OUR PROTEIN?
SO I MADE THIS CONCOCTION TO PUT IN SAVORY FOODS.
SO WHEN I GO TO PEOPLES HOUSES FOR DINNER PARTIES, I ALWAYS
BRING IT AND SOMEBODY WAS LIKE, WHAT IS IT CALLED?
>> Stephen: STOP. YOU GO TO SOMEONE ELSE'S HOUSE
FOR DINNER AND YOU GO, I BROUGHT MY OWN FLAVOR.
THANKS. THIS IS WHY WE DON'T HAVE
THANKSGIVING TOGETHER. YOU SHOW UP.
THAT TAKES SOME WAY VOS RANCHEROS, MY FRIEND, TO SHOW UP
WITH YOUR OWN [BLEEP] SPICES.
>> Tig: MY OWN UNMARKED JAR. OFF-THE-CUFF, I SAID IT'S CALLED
DYKE DUST. >> Stephen: MAY I?
>> Tig: IT MIGHT TURN YOU GAY. >> Stephen: I'M READY.
IT'S AN ADVENTURE. WHAT SHOULD I BE HAVING THIS ON?
>> Tig: AVOCADO TOAST, PASTA, PIZZA, SALAD, I SAID ANYTHING
SAVORY, STEPHEN. RIGHT IN THE SMACK HER.
GO ON. >> Stephen: THAT'S NICE, IT'S
A LITTLE NUTTY, LITTLE CRUNCHY. >> Tig: YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED
TO EAT IT OUT OF THE PALM OF YOUR HAND.
>> Stephen: WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO EAT IT ON?
>> Tig: SOMETHING SAVORY. >> Stephen: ARE YOU
SUGGESTING, ARE YOU SUGGESTING STEPHEN COLBERT ISN'T DELICIOUS?
THAT'S LOVELY. >> Tig: DID YOU LIKE IT?
>> Stephen: THAT'S REALLY LOVELY.
I'M NOT SURE IF YOU'RE GOING TO GET ON THE MARKET WITH THE NAME
DYKE DUST. WE CAME UP WITH SOME OTHER NAMES
FOR YOU. DO YOU WANT TO TRY ANY OF THESE?
>> Tig: I DON'T HAVE MY GLASSES.
OH, HETERO FLAKES. [LAUGHTER]
WHY HETERO? >> Stephen: TWO LABELS.
THE WHOLE MARKET. YOU HAVE DYKE DUST AND THEN YOU
HAVE THE EXACT SAME THING AND YOU CALL IT HETERO FLAKES.
THEY DON'T KNOW. MAYBE TIG SPRINKLES.
MAYBE I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOTARO.
OR LGBT CUMIN. DO YOU WANT SOME?
>> Tig: WASN'T THERE ONE MORE? >> Stephen: SEXY SAND.
IT WASN'T AS GOOD. THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T SAY IT.
>> Tig: YOU DIDN'T SAY IT. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE?
DON'T I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOTARO.
PRETTY FUN TRAVELING ON TOUR.
YOU HAVE TWO TWINS. DO YOU KIDS?
>> Tig: I DON'T HAVE TWO TWINS.
>> Stephen: THAT'S TWO TWINS. >> Tig: YOU JUST SAY TWINS.
PEOPLE ADD UP THAT THERE'S TWO OF THEM.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Stephen: THAT'S FAIR.
SHE IS FIRM BUT FAIR, FOLKS. >> Tig: SO YEAH, I DO HAVE TWO
TWINS. AND I DON'T TAKE THEM ON TOUR.
SOMETIMES THEY'LL GO WITH ME AND I HAVEN'T HAVE A SHOW THERE.
THEY'RE IN SCHOOL. THEY HAVE A LIFE.
I DID HAVE A SHOW. IT WAS A VEGAN CHARITY EVENT.
IT WAS A MATINEE SHOW. I THOUGHT, THIS IS PERFECT.
MY SONS HAVE NEVER SEEN ME DO STAND UP.
SO WE PACKED UP THE FAMILY AND DRIVE DOWN THE ROAD IN L.A. TO
MY SHOW. MY WIFE IS THERE AND THERE IN
THE AUDIENCE. >> Tig: AND THEY'VE NEVER SEEN
YOU DO IT BEFORE. >> Stephen: NEVER SEEN ME DO
IT. THEY ARE SEVEN.
I DIDN'T ACCOUNT FOR THE FACT THAT MY CHILDREN WOULD BE
HECKLING ME. I TALK ABOUT THEM ALL THE TIME.
IN MY STAND UP. SO I WAS TELLING A STORY AND
THEN JUST OUT OF THE DARKNESS THIS LITTLE VOICES LIKE "NO, YOU
DIDN'T." [LAUGHS]
AND I WAS LIKE "OH, MY GOSH, THAT WAS MY SON MAX."
>> Stephen: WAS HE RIGHT? >> Tig: WELL KNOW, I WASN'T
LYING OR ANYTHING. BUT HE HAD A DIFFERENT MEMORY OR
INTERPRETATION OF WHAT HAPPENED. AND HE JUST KEPT INTERRUPTING ME
AND I HAD TO TELL THE AUDIENCE, I WAS LIKE, MY SONS ARE HERE.
THEY HAVE NEVER SEEN YOU DO STAND UP BEFORE.
IT'S LIKE FOR 10 MINUTES I DROVE HOME, OF COURSE THEY WERE GOING
TO INTERRUPT. MY SON FINN, HE WAS CROUCHING
WITH EMBARRASSMENT BECAUSE MAX WAS CALLING ME OUT ON
EVERYTHING. >> Stephen: I STILL JOKES FROM
MY KIDS. ARE YOUR KIDS FUNNY?
>> Tig: THEY ARE SO FUNNY. THEY ARE FUNNY IN DIFFERENT WA
WAYS. MAX IS VERY INTO JOKES AND WORDS
AND HE WRITES SONGS ANY RIGHTS COMMERCIALS AND HE WRITES JOKES.
WE WERE DRIVING IN COLORADO LAST YEAR WHEN THEY WERE SIX.
THERE WAS A PUMPKIN THAT HAVE BEEN SMASHED ON THE ROAD.
I AM DRIVING. THEY ARE IN THEIR SEATS.
I SAID OH, MY GOD, THERE'S A PUMPKIN IN THE ROAD.
MAX CHIMES IN FROM T THE BACK ST AND HE SAYS AFTER I SAID OH, MY
GOD, THERE'S A PUMPKIN IN THE ROAD, HE SAYS "YOU MEAN OH, MY
GOURD." HE SAID PUMPKINS ARE GOURDS.
>> Stephen: TIG, IT'S A JOY TO HAVE YOU HERE.
>> Tig: THINKS FOR HAVING ME. SOON YOU CAN FIND HER UPCOMING
TOUR DATES ON TigNotaro.com. AND YOU CAN LISTEN TO "HANDSOME"
WHEREVER YOU GET YOUR PODCAST. TIG NOTARO, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK