G'day, A.J. Mahari here can you make a person especially with untreated bpd happy so many people
who've been in relationships with people bpd or might still be
uh are trying to make them happy and if you're somebody who tried to do that and you
uh have now either been discarded ghosted or you broke up with that person with bpd
can you see now the futility of trying to make them happy a couple comments on the channel
recently about this and i think that people do see that it's like i was working so hard i was trying
to code and says i was working so hard i was trying so hard to make this person happy with bpd
wow did i get exhausted and and like and i never could make them happy
or they didn't stay happy or i was trying so hard to make them happy
well you know what can't make a person with bpd happy but more to the point
you can't make another person happy anyway because the fundamental reality is each person has to be
responsible for their own happiness just like they have to be responsible for their own hopefully
appropriate behavior or in the case of a lot of people than true to bpd and some people with
codependency in different ways their inappropriate behavior behavior that crosses the boundaries of
another person or in a relationship and this isn't you know it doesn't just happen with people at bpd
of course they do what they do some of them many of them not all of them and of
course that's not your responsibility as their partner or ex but what is your responsibility is
is to understand more about the reality of the dynamic of these relationships so you're there
trying to make somebody that can't get happy can't really be happy unfortunately right now they need
their own therapy and recovery for that people with bpd so you're trying to make them happy the
codependent externalizing out of your repetition compulsion cycles because you're not going to
feel happy until they feel happy what's that say about these relationships how does that auger well
at all for anybody who's been in a relationship with someone with bp and i know there's anything
i say in any video or that anyone says in any video for that matter but i'll get somebody
that'll comment and go but like she was happy or he was happy for a little while but bottom
line is it you can't take credit for that any more than you can take blame for not making them happy
so and for people with codependency you know the answer to can you make the borderline happy is no
because you can't make anybody else happy because you're not happy well venture to guess unless and
until you go through the recovery process in therapy for codependency and recovery
from these relationships which i'm out here to work with you by the way if i resonate with you
you're going to be happy either so how can somebody who's not happy make somebody else
happy who's not happy or how could the other person person with bpd in this case for many
people how could that person make you happy because you're not really happy fundamentally you
know like deep down to the unconscious people with codependency aren't happy people with bpd aren't
happy and maybe in a more severe way so people's clear fantasy could be happy once in a while
but it's so dependent upon if you're making somebody else happy that's where it becomes just
totally like futility and self-abandonment again for people with codependency
so you just can't make someone else happy someone else happy especially when you're negating your
own happiness and you know how to make yourself happy and you're trying to make someone else happy
forget it and then you're trying to make somebody with untreated bpd be happy wow super a no go
so what's the real internal reason you're unhappy people with codependency why are most
people codependency very unhappy and yes the first response to the person you go through your head is
the borderline did it because of the book because this relationship is impossible because i did this
and i did this and i hear you and i understand that you can't blame the borderline for everything
you can if you want to but how's that going to work for you how's it going to help you
i'm here with the unpopular message of saying so what's the reason that you're so happy i'm sorry
if you were so happy that would be great what's the reason why so many people with codependency
are so unhappy what's that real internal deep reason uh or plethora of reasons actually
that you're either trying to so you're trying to make a borderline or someone else or other
people in general happy because you're not really happy this is a codependent projection by the way
and and it's at the expense you're trying to make others happy at the expense of your own
uh trying to find happiness and and then people with codependency blame the other person or in
this case you know maybe the untreated borderline you blame that person for why you're not happy
now they may have something to do with why you hurt a lot but again i just want to say i want
to reiterate this for people that are ready to hear it if you're not ready to hear well
okay you're not ready to hear it right so maybe you already turned it up the bottom line is that
people with codependency need their own healing recovery and these relationships with people
enter the bpd or semi-treated or not so well treated or better treated or
whatever all that means they're not going to work out they're formed with unhealthy bondedness
in what is an unconscious setup between a person with bpd unknowingly and a codependent
unknowingly and when you continue to be hurt by that person with bpd as people are writing
on the channel and writing on other people's channels and writing all over the internet about
well this is easier said than done you're not responsible for what the person with bpd does
to you or how they hurt you but you are in part of an unhealthy you are part of the unhealthy dynamic
and you are definitely responsible for staying there now people don't always know in the
beginning what's going on fair enough but as soon as you figure that part out it's time to get out
and of course codependency works against people so if you're not happy as a codependent you
might be really in a lot of pain right now just like people with bp are always in a lot of pain
if they're untreated at most because they're not all the same so the bottom line is you
can't make them happy and there's two reasons for that because they have their own issues
blocking any way that they could know themselves to be happy and people with codependency you don't
know yourself as well as you think you do uh not your emotional landscape and the other thing is
you're not really happy unless you can make somebody else happy that's what you learned
in childhood that's your burden to carry right now and that's your responsibility to accept
get into healing recovery i'm not here to work through if i resonate with you
get into that recovery process for go dependency and to heal from these relationships and make
no mistake about it the bottom line when you have codependency and you realize that and when you're
with somebody with bpd or you know whomever you could even be somebody else who's codependent
i'm beside somebody with bpd or narcissist you need to take responsibility for what you need
to know more about yourself and these repetition compulsion cycles that play out in codependency
and the externalization out to try to rescue fix and be the hero to the other when you're really
looking for what your wounded inner child has been looking for all of your life so if you're not yet
ready to take that responsibility as a codependent you might want to think about why not because this
is your way forward and make no mistake about it you need to go no contact when these relationships
you know the the devaluation and when they get really rocky and the roller coaster ride speeds up
and you're on the eggshells and nothing's going to work there the communication is impossible
they don't really love you they don't really see you they can't attach to you and you with
codependency with all due respect and a lot of compassion you think your love is so healthy that
you're the one for them and they're the one for you just none of that ends up being really true so
can't make a borderline happy number one because you can't make anybody happy number two because
unsure people bp aren't going to be happy and are able to be happy until they have a lot of therapy
and get into recovery and the other reason why i can't make a borderline happy is because as a
codependent you're not happy you're externalizing out trying to make them happy so that they can
help you to be happy anyway if if that was a message you weren't ready to hear then uh maybe
come back to it later and if that made sense to you i i hope it was at least food for thought
people with codependency you can't make the borderline happy and on the other side of the coin
you're not happy and the other thing is we can't make each other feel anything and uh you need to
take responsibility for yourself now and decide what you're gonna do there's there's a painful
healing and recovery journey that awaits you and the only way out of the pain is through the pain
so i hope you make that decision sooner rather than later for yourself
if you haven't yet and a lot of people make decision get into therapy they might
stop they might stop and start you might think i don't need this anymore don't rush
on to that next person to date because you're going to meet the next cluster b
there are dots that connect these things it's not like random in the universe take care