- Welcome to Unwritten Rules
a show where we talk about things
people generally don't talk about.
- And then try to come up with rules for that subject.
My name is Keith, and I have a butt.
- My name is Hillary, and I also have a butt.
And today we're going to be talking
about what comes out of our butts.
Poop.
(fart noise)
- Very nice Keith.
- Thank you.
- So I hit the streets to see if anybody would
talk to me about a long-standing doody rumor.
I'm here on the streets of Hollywood
to find out the answer to one special question.
Do you know if women poop?
- I don't think so.
- No, I've never seen it happen.
- No.
- Women don't poop?
- No, of course not.
- Why do you think people are going
around saying that women don't poop?
- Because people probably think that
like it's gross for women to poop.
- People don't like to see women like
not necessarily dirty but like
gosh, I don't know how to put it.
- They think it's unladylike.
- We're supposed to be like ladylike.
- It's not ladylike.
- What about it is unladylike?
Being a human?
- Women aren't human.
- Where do you think that originates from?
- Fear.
- Misogyny.
- Big time. Definitely that.
- I think that the solution that
you speak of should be smashed.
- I think that we should all be proud of that.
- Of what?
- Of pooping.
- I poop.
- You poop?
- Yes we do.
- Women do poop.
- We all poop. We have to.
- Everybody poops.
- So Keith, according to the people of Los Angeles,
a very popular children's book,
and science, we find ourselves at the first rule.
Everybody poops.
- Yeah, which is exactly the problem.
- Especially when you're out of your element?
- It's impossible to know where to find
a good, safe, clean bathroom.
So I went into the heart of Hollywood
to cut the crap and survey the public toilet options.
Do you know of a place I can use the bathroom in?
- What the hell?
- Like where's a good public bathroom here?
Over 40 million people visit Los Angeles every year.
Now that is a lot of butts.
I'm here in Hollywood to find out
what makes a good public bathroom
and what makes one safe enough to poop in.
Is there any way to make a public bathroom
feel safe enough to poop in?
- No.
- How do you decide which business to choose?
- I mean, I think a department store is always a safe bet.
- From the look of the building,
you can see if the bathroom's clean or not.
- So if you think that the facade of the building
is sexy, the bathroom is good.
- When I come to Hollywood, I go clubbing
so I just use the bathroom at the club.
- Hollywood? I don't think that's a great bathroom game,
but I'm going to try to find the one
good bathroom that you gotta have somewhere.
- OK.
- We're in the car right now on our way to our first stop,
and I realize that I'm actually starting to
have to poop, like, for reals.
This is the exact scenario I was
fearing for all of our tourists,
and now here I am experiencing it myself.
We gotta find a restaurant.
We gotta find a department store,
and I just got to find a normal public
restroom somewhere in this mall.
- Ah! Level 3 and Level 2.
Let's head to Level 2.
I'll take care of it from here.
(buzzer) This bathroom's too crowded.
This is never going to work.
We're going to the third floor.
There were just so many people there.
How could that have been a clean bathroom?
Maybe it was though.
Maybe that's why it was so popular.
Let's get a look here.
OK, we got toilet paper on the ground,
we got splatter on the seat.
I have to poop but I can't.
There's pee on the seat,
and I can't sit down on that.
My legs will get wet with urine.
Let's keep looking.
OK, so one of our rules was to find a place
with a beautiful exterior, so I thought
maybe this Victoria Secret.
I'm going to see if they have a bathroom
just that they could let me use.
- You guys don't have bathrooms here, do you?
- We don't, but if you go
out the door, towards the right, around the elevators
there should be some right there.
- Are those the public bathrooms?
You know of, are there any secret
nicer bathrooms around here?
- No.
- No nice bathrooms here?
- No, sorry about that.
- No, it's good to know.
My zipper is down, oops.
We are at a preposterously crowded Starbucks,
and I'm going to see if I can possibly use their bathroom.
Hi! Do I have to buy anything to use the bathroom?
- No.
- Don't need to buy anything, we're good.
It's all the way back, right?
Look at this.
Look at this clean bathroom.
Ahh, there's only one spec of toilet paper.
Lots of toilet paper around.
And I got seat covers available.
Clean seat, but I can't poop here
because there's a lot of ladies in line,
and it's a gender neutral bathroom.
And I can't do that to them.
I cannot leave them with a poop bathroom.
It was a really nice bathroom, like
and this is in the center of Hollywood.
There must be dozens of people
using this bathroom all the time.
So, props to Starbucks for having like,
actually the cleanest bathroom I've encountered.
But wait! There's another public restroom.
Maybe they can redeem themselves.
God, pee on the seat.
Stop peeing on the seat.
There's pee on the seat.
Let's try Dave and Busters.
It's like a department store for fun
like, there's so much fun.
- Hi! How you doing?
- Good. Do you guys have a bathroom I could use?
- Yeah, we do.
- This place is incredible.
OK. This is pretty good.
There's toilet paper on the floor,
but it's the whole roll.
It's clean.
There is toilet paper here.
Toilet seat covers.
This is a pretty good bathroom,
and I didn't have to spend any money playing games
although I want to.
Um, yeah! Let's do it!
We did it. We found a place to poop.
And now guys, let's play some (bleep) video games, OK?
Let's play some (bleep) video games.
Let's get the BuzzFeed card
and get ourselves some fun at Dave and Busters.
(fart noise)
- Wow Keith, the struggle is real.
- Yes Hils, I legit had a hard time finding a place to poop.
And when I did end up at David and Busters,
I have to admit that probably the cleanest
and most globally available bathroom is Starbucks.
- Which leads us to rule number deuce.
- When in doubt, just go to the 'Bucks.
- What?
- Starbucks.
- Oh, I mean it does make sense.
They sell coffee which is a laxative,
and I wanted to learn more about
what makes our poop the way it is,
so I sat down with an expert.
(fart noise)
- I'm here to day with Dr. Deleve
who is a poop expert also known as
a gastroenterologist, right?
- Yes.
- OK and what does that mean exactly?
- That's a doctor who takes care of people
who have problems with their swallowing,
their stomach or their guts.
- OK, so you see a lot of poop.
- See a lot of poop.
- I asked my coworkers to send me pictures of their poop.
And they did and it was so gross
that I could not show them to you.
It was, I questioned my sanity
looking at my coworkers' poops,
so then what I had them do is describe them to an artist
who made some artist renderings.
And I was wondering if you could grade the poops?
- Absolutely.
- Here we have this one.
- Yeah, those are little pebble-like stools,
and the reason they're like that is
because the poop is taking too long
to get through the guts,
so it's getting dried out.
So, that's a sign of constipation.
- That's one person who I guess was constipated.
- So this is a poop that's not the ideal poop,
but it's still within a normal range.
It's slightly constipated, so it's rocks
kind of congregating into a sausage,
and it's a little more on the constipated side
than a smooth sausage would be.
Ah, the perfect sausage.
That's a log.
If you want a stool that looks like the ideal poop,
this is the ideal poop.
- This is it!
Whoever gave me this one, I think it was you (bleep),
you got the perfect poop.
- It's a green poop.
- So green is OK?
- Green is a perfect poop.
- Yeah?
- Normal is brown, green, or yellow.
That's all normal.
- We got this one.
- That's a mushier stool,
so that looks like it's heading towards diarrhea
where you're getting these little flakes
that are kind of watery at the edges.
So, that suggests you're developing a looser stool.
If that's not your normal pattern,
then you have to wonder about dietary
things you might be ingesting like
maybe lactose if you're lactose intolerant
or fructose if you're fructose intolerant.
- Too many dried fruits.
Too much fruit juice.
- Alright. So...
- That's a very nicely shaped log
with some corn in it.
That's perfectly normal.
- Why do we see it?
Why does it just come out as corn?
- It's not well digested,
and so it travels through you,
and that's probably a good thing.
It means your transit time from mouth
to the toilet bowl was fast.
- This is (bleep)
- I've not really seen a Mount Everest looking stool,
but it looks to me like this came out more like toothpaste,
and again it's a softer stool.
Some people have one loose stool a day,
and if that's your normal pattern, that can be OK.
- How do you know when you're having
a poop that's like, problematic?
- So you probably should see a doctor
if what you're normally doing suddenly changes.
You should see a doctor if your stools
are suddenly coming out pencil-thin consistently.
Not one day but consistently coming out really thin.
Or if it's coming out really funny colors
like pitch black or bloody or white.
(fart noise)
- (Bleep) Hillary, we can learn a lot from our poop.
- Oh, loads.
- So what's rule number three?
- It is OK to look at your poop.
- Great, ah but Hillary I have a confession to make.
Whenever I poop I look at my phone.
- That's no big deal.
I think everyone does.
- Well to test this theory,
I asked what my coworkers do
when they evacuate their bowels.
- Evacuate their bowels?
- Yeah.
(fart noise)
- I'm going to interview people at BuzzFeed
about what they do while they poop.
How do they keep themselves entertained?
It's so boring.
Zach, what do you do while you poop?
- I go on my phone, always, all the time.
One hand is dedicated to my phone.
One hand is dedicated to touching dirty things.
So, opening the door, taking off my pants,
touching the toilet seat...
- You take off your pants with one hand?
- Yeah, I can do it.
- Do it! This is going to be incredible.
Zach is taking off his pants at work,
and he has to because I asked him
so it's not an HR violation.
- I get into it, and then you just go like that.
Boom. Boom.
Pooping.
- Wow.
- So you only need one hand to poop.
- Why don't you take your pants off
and then pull your phone out of your pocket
once your pants are down?
- Well I could, but just in general,
I guess what it comes down to is like
when it comes time to take my wee-wee
out of my pants, that hand is now dedicated
as my dirty hand.
- Do you retouch your wee-wee after
touching other things?
So you're not concerned about your wee-wee at all?
- I'm not concerned about my wee-wee.
- Dude, you got to be concerned about that wee-wee.
So Zach works very hard to keep his phone clean
probably cause he knows from a previous
BuzzFeed video that using your phone while pooping,
can lead to a germ covered phone.
But the best way to ensure that it's clean
would just be not to bring it in the bathroom at all.
So, I decided to issue a challenge.
Give me a clap?
(tap)
- No, don't do that.
It's bad for the microphone.
I'm here with Zach.
Zach is about to go poop.
I've decided to give you a challenge.
You can't use your phone while you're in there,
and then I want you to report back
of what the experience was like.
- Well, OK.
- How exciting!
Doesn't get much more exciting than this.
Right Ned?
- Sure doesn't! What are we talking about?
- A few minutes later, Zach returned from the men's room.
- I feel really accomplished.
I just pooped and I didn't use my phone.
So, at first I was bored, and I didn't know what to do,
and I thought this was stupid.
I was mad at you, I was mad at the world.
But, as time went on, my mind cleared,
and my thoughts were free to explore.
You know, pooping without your phone,
you could do it.
- Would you do it again?
- Ah, no probably not. I want to check Instagram...
(fart noise)
- Wow, that Kornfeld, full of surprises.
- So, uh, was there a rule there?
- Oh, yeah! If you want to bring your phone,
bring your phone.
Just be sure to clean it sometimes.
- Which leads us to our final messy situation.
- And to protect the identity of
our unfortunate poop-pertrator,
Hillary and I recreated his crappy nightmare.
- You'll want to pull up a stool for this one.
- I feel like we got a good amount of puns in there.
- Yeah, I think we dropped some solids.
(fart noise)
- [Voiceover] So, a few years ago,
my girlfriend and I, we decided
to go see a movie downtown,
and for some idiotic reason,
we decided to buy one of those giant
buckets of popcorn, and I actually
ended up eating most if not all of it
before the movie had even started.
So, stupid decision, and I guess you could say
that's where the real drama begins.
After the movie ends,
we're walking to the car and I just feel sick,
but I'm able to fight that off.
We think, you know, it's 25 minutes til we get home.
It's not really going to be a problem.
So, we get into the car and we're driving,
and all of the sudden the popcorn in my body
just decides to change direction
towards my poop-well.
And I'm not going to share this with my girlfriend,
so I just keep it to myself.
My body is just rigid with tension
trying to hold this in.
So, we're driving, and we just run into
a giant wall of bumper to bumper traffice,
and I think,Oh my God, this is the end!
And my girlfriend can clearly sense
that something is wrong, so she looks
over at me and calmly but blatantly just goes,
"Do you have to poop?"
And our relationship wasn't necessarily
at poop status yet, but I just kind of
looked straight forward and just said, "yep."
We think, OK you know what?
Our best option is probably to take the next exit
whatever it is, however the next exit
that was coming up was just a really bad neighborhood,
but we decided, you know what?
That's what has to happen, so we cut off the exit,
and I'm driving like Jason Bourne.
I'm just weaving in and out of traffic,
and we make a turn and I can see
there's a (bleep) in the distance,
and I think, "Oh my God, Salvation".
But then this really fast thought process
just rockets through my head,
and I think no, this can't be an option
because if you go in there
and there's someone in the bathroom,
or they're cleaning it or it's locked,
whatever the reason,
you're going to poop your pants
in front of 30 plus people in a bad neighborhood.
So, all those kind of knock off the checklist,
and this isn't going to work,
and I just decide, you know what?
Game time decision.
Let's drive my car over the sidewalk
and just behind this abandoned factory building.
I scamper out of this car like a wild animal.
I run behind a dumpster,
and I just shit my brains out.
I've never felt lower as a human being in my entire life.
But the next step now is how do I clean myself up?
So, I ditch the underwear and use that as toilet paper,
and I'm looking around for what else I can use,
and think, no, you're behind an abandoned factory
you don't need a tetanus shot in your asshole,
so that's not going to be an option.
So I pull my pants up.
I kind of waddle back to the car,
my girlfriend is hysterically laughing
this entire time, and I cleaned out
my car the day before, so there was nothing I could use.
Napkins, paper towels, nothing.
But there were GoogleMap directions,
so I decided to use those.
Go back behind the dumpster,
clean myself up as best as I can to that point,
get back in the car, I'm smelling terrible,
continue our drive home.
Eventually we make it home.
I take a shower.
I'm back to a full human being status,
and for the rest of that day and into the night,
this thought process that just kind of
lodged itself in my brain was
what if someone goes behind that dumpster
and they see this mess of just human poop everywhere,
and they think, Oh my God!
Who pooped in this?
What kind of disgusting monster is responsible for this?
And then his partner I guess,
picks up a piece of paper and says,
here's his GoogleMap directions.
His address is right here.
Let's go get him.
And that doesn't make any sense,
but that what's I have in my head.
So, needless to say, I was never
held accountable for my actions
so that is good.
And I'm proud to say that the brave lady
in that story is still my girlfriend today.
And I would say that poop brought us closer together.
- Well Keith, that strange story
actually did have a happily ever after.
- Totes, Hillary.
- And that leads us to rule number five.
Love is greater than poop.
- We'll I'm Keith, and that's it for this (bleep) show.
- I'm Hillary.
Thanks for tuning in to another episode
of Unwritten rules.
- We'll see ya next time.
I don't know if I could ever poop
in front of my girlfriend.
- Sometimes it's not a matter of control.
You don't have a choice.
- [Keith] Well, I mean, but can't you like make them
go a mile away, like, I'm going to start running this way,
you run that way.
- [Hillary] Have you ever tried running
when you had to take a huge dump?
- [Keith] Yeah, I have,
and I admit it's not a good run
in terms of quality of run,
but you can skitter, scamper.
- [Hillary] I don't know if that's true.