>> Stephen: WELL, WELLING WELL.
WELCOME TO 'A' LATE SHOW.
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I HOPE YOU ARE SITTING.
AND I HOPE THIS AFTERNOON WHEN YOUR WORLD WAS ROCKED, YOU
WEREN'T KNOCKED DOWN BECAUSE THERE WAS A HUGE BOMBSHELL IN
WASHINGTON TODAY FROM FORMER TRUMP FIXER AND MAN WHOSE FACIAL
IS SOCIALLY DISTANCING FROM HIS SKULL, MICHAEL COHEN.
OUT OF KNOW WHERE COHEN RELEASED HIS NEW TELL ALL BOOK DISLOYAL,
IT WAS A COMPLETE SURPRISE LIKE WHEN BEYONCE DROPS A NEW ALBUM.
BUT NOT LIKE THAT IN ANYWAY.
COHEN DESCRIBES HIS TELL-ALL THIS WAY.
THIS IS THE BOOK THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IS DOES IN
THE WANT YOU TO READ.
SO ANY BOOK?
SOME OF THE STUFF IS A LITTLE STRANGE LIKE HOW COHEN DESCRIBES
THE ANTICIPATION OF WHEN HE TESTIFIED BEFORE CONGRESS.
IT FELT SOMETHING LIKE WHEN I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL AWAITING THE
BIRTH OF MY DAUGHTER AND SON.
DADDY, WERE YOU HAPPY WHEN I WAS BORN?
IT FELT LIKE I WAS ABOUT TO FACE THE HARSH CONSEQUENCES OF EF
REEF MISTAKE I HAD EVER MADE IN MY LIFE.
WHO WANTS ICE CREAM?
BUT EVEN THE FORWARD OF THIS BOOK IS LOADED WITH JUICY AND I
MEAN JUICY DETAILS OF THINGS WE ALREADY KIND OF KNEW.
FOR INSTANCE COHEN DESCRIBES HIMSELF AS AN ACTIVE AND EAGER
PARTICIPATE IN EVERYTHING TRUMP DID FROM TAX FRAUD TO DEALS WITH
CORRUPT OFFICIALS FROM THE FORMER SOVIET UNIT, EVEN GOLDEN
SHOWERS, IN A SEX CLUB THIS VEGAS.
THAT'S RIGHT.
HE TALKS ABOUT THE GOLDEN SHOWERS.
MR. PRESIDENT, YOU'RE IN TROUBLE AND YOU KNOW, I'M SURE THAT
MAKES YOU PISSED.
BUT COHEN WAS YOUR NUMBER ONE.
HE USED TO BE YOUR WIZ KID, NOW HE'S LEAKING EVERYWHERE.
YOU MIGHT CALL IT YELLOW JOURNALISM BUT ALL YOU CAN DO,
LITTLE PIGGY, IS GO WEE-WEE-WEE ALL THE WAY HOME.
I MISS THE-- I'M SURE DONALD TRUMP WOULD RATHER TALK ABOUT
HIS LOVE LIFE IN THE SPLASH DISWHROAN THAN HOW BADLY HE HAS
SHANKED THE-- SHANKED THE GLOBAL PANDEMIC.
YESTERDAY THE U.S. REPORTED THE HIGHEST NUMBER OF COVID-19
DEATHS IN A SINGLE DAY SINCE MIDDAY.
WHEN TRUMP SAID "IT" WOULD JUST DISAPPEAR, I DIDN'T REALIZE "IT"
WAS HOPE, BUT IN THE FACE OF THIS RESURGING VIRUS THE
PRESIDENT HAS HIS EYE ON THE BALL.
THIS MORNING HE TWEETED ABOUT THE STATISTICS THAT WE HAVE ALL
BEEN SO CONCERNED ABOUT, VERY POOR MORNING TV RATINGS FOR
MSDNC'S MORNING JOE HEADED BY A COMPLETE PSYCH OWE NAMED JOE
SCARBOROUGH AND HIS DITZY AIR HEAD WIFE MIKA.
AND ALSO CNN HEADED BY COMPLETE UNKNOWNS.
CONGRATULATIONS TO FOX & FRIENDS ON DOMINATING THE MORNING.
THANK YOU PRESIDENT TRUMP.
THAT IS LEADERSHIP.
I WILL LOOK FORWARD TO HIS NEXT CORONAVIRUS BRIEFING.
>> GOOD AFTERNOON, TODAY WE GOD NUMBERS AS YOU CAN SEE JEANNINE
PIRRO IS DEFEATING A DEMO AND TUCKER CARLTON GOT A
SELF-LUBRICATING GOLD COINS, WHAT IS IN YOUR CATHETER.
ALSO-- ALSO THE SADDEST PART OF THAT TWEET THE FACT THAT HE ENDS
IT WITH THANK YOU PRESIDENT TRUMP.
HE'S SO ISOLATED, NOW HE IS JUST TALKING TO HIMSELF.
THANK YOU PRESIDENT TRUMP, NO PROBLEM, BUDDY.
HEY, ARE YOU GOING TO EAT THAT LAST PIECE OF BACON.
YOU KNOW IT.
GOD I'M SO HUNGRY.
I WILL FIGHT YOU FOR IT.
YOU WON'T LOOSE.
NOW A CUP OF COFFEE AFTER THAT.
THAT DEATH TOLL, REMEMBER THE ONE THAT HE DIDN'T TALK ABOUT?
IT MAY SEEM HIGH, YESTERDAY HIS CORONAVIRUS PRESS BRIEFING TRUMP
WAS SURPRISED.
>> 99.995% OF ALL FATILITIES ARE ADULTS.
THINK OF IT, 99.95, THAT IS EXTREMELY CLOSE TO 100 PERCENT
OF ALL FATILITIES ARE ADULTS.
TZ YES, MOST FATILITIES ARE ADULTS BECAUSE HE REALLY FACKED
THIS THING UP T IS ALL VERY TARGIC AND I'M DEEPLY DEPROOSED.
BUT TRUMP SAID MOST OF THE CORONAVIRUS PRESS BRIEFING LASER
FOCUSED ON THE PANDEMIC THREATENING AMERICA MAIL-IN
VOTING.
>> YOU LOOK AT WHAT HAPPENED IN VIRGINIA WHERE THEY HAVE 500,000
APPLICATIONS SENT OUT AT RANDOM TO PEOPLE THAT HAVE NO IDEA WHAT
HAPPENED.
AND THEY ADMITTED THEY MADE A MISTAKE.
AND THEN MANY WERE SENT TO DEAD PEOPLE, A NUMBER WERE SENT, I
GUESS TWO AT LEAST, TWO, THREE, FOUR, WERE SENT TO DOGS, ONE WAS
SENT TO A CAT TZ OKAY, THAT IS SHOCKING.
AND ENTIRELY NOT TRUE.
THE STATE OF VIRGINIA, IN FACT, DID NOT SEND ANY PETS MAIL-IN
BALLOTS WHICH IS TOO BAD BECAUSE IT WOULD BE A GREAT PLOT FOR THE
NEW DISNEY MOVIE "DOGGONE VOTER FRAUD" THEIR CRIMES ARE
A-PAW-LING.
TRUMP DISPIECES MAIL-IN VOAGHT AND JUST REGULAR VOTING TOO
BECAUSE HE IS WAY BEHIND IN THE POLLS AND HE KNOWS THAT DUE TO
PANDEMIC TENS OF MILLIONS OF US WILL HAVE TO VOTE BY MAIL.
SO FOR THREE YEARS SENT EVERYTHING FROM INTERNATIONAL
RELATIONSHIP TO ETHICAL NORMS TO THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE, TRUMP
IS COMING AFTER SOMETHING PEOPLE ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT.
HE IS DESTROYING THE POST OFFICE.
OKAY, NOW HE'S JUST A VILLAIN IN A CHILDREN'S BOOK.
NEXT HE'S GOING TO BAN ROLLER SKATING AND BUILD ALATION TORE
BLOW UP HALLOWEEN.
BUT MERLYN HAS TO STOP HIM.
EVEN FOR HIM, THIS IS A BOLD MOVE.
EVEN THE POSTAL AFTER IS THE MOST POPULAR GOVERNMENT AGENCY
IN THE COUNTRY, WITH A 91% FAVOR ABILITY RATING.
91%.
THAT IS THE KIND OF POPULARITY ENJOYED ONLY BY CHICKEN-FRIED
ORGASMS.
OH.
YOU GOT TO GET BUTTERMILK, PUT IT IN BUTTERMILK FIRST.
DON'T DO THIS, DON'T DO THIS, DON'T SAY DON'T TALK ANY
FURTHER.
I MIGHT STOP.
BEING ABLE TO SEND MAIL IS A FUNDAMENTAL FUNCTION OF ANY
WORKING SOCIETY.
FOR PETE SAKE THEY HAD RELIABLE POSTAL SERVICE IN ANCIENT EGYPT
THAT IS PHARAOH MEANTU-HOTEP II GETTING A VAL OF PACK FOR A FREE
CAR PACK-- CARPET STEAMING.
TRUMP INYOU STALLED A NEW POST MASTER GENERAL, ONE HIS BIG
DONOR FORTH CAROLINA BUSINESS GUY AND MAN LOOKING ON AS YOU
TAKE A BITE OF THE DIP HE BROUGHT.
LOUIS DEWHICH OR AS TRUMP REFERRED TO HIM AT A PRESS
CONFERENCE.
>> THE MAN A GREAT PERSON, GREAT BUSINESSMAN, JUST GOT THERE A
LITTLE WHILE AGO.
TZ HE'S A GREAT MAN, WOMAN, PERSON, CAMERA, POST OFFICE.
SINCE THE GREAT MAN PERSON TOOK OVER RECENTLY, HE'S MADE DRASTIC
CUT, BANNED OVERTIME, DEACTIVATED SORTING MACHINES AND
HE HALTED LATE MAIL DELIVERY RESULTING IN DAYS LONG BACK LOG
AND OF DISTRIBUTION CENTERS ARE RUNG BEHIND, INSTEAD OF GETTING
ALL THE MAIL DELIVERED THEY WILL KEEP THE MAIL FOR THE NEXT DAY.
BUT RIGHT THERE IN THEIR MOTTO NEITHER SNOW NOR RAIN NOR BLOOM
OF NIGHT SAVE THESE CURIOUSER RIERS NLTSES THEIR NEW BOSS IS A
TOTAL DIQ IN WHICH CASE WE ARE SCREWED THEN LATE FRIDAY DEJOY
MADE A FEW MORE DE CHANGES.
HE REASSIGNED POST OFFICE OACHTIONS IN A MOVE TO
CENTRALIZE HIS CONTROL OF THE AGENCY ACCORDING TO A NEW
ORGANIZATIONAL CHART.
AND I BELIEVE WE HAVE A COPY OF DEJOY'S NEW ORG CHART, THERE YOU
GO.
DE-JOY MAY HAVE PERSONAL REASONS TO KILL THE POST OFFICE AS WELL
BECAUSE THE GOVERNMENT REVIEW OF THE FINANCES OF DEJOY AND WIFE
REVEAL THE COUPLE HOLDS INCLUDE 30 TO 75 MILLION IN ASSETS IN
POSTAL SERVICE COMPETITORS OR CONTRACTORS.
THE GUY HEADING THE POST OFFICE WOULD MAKE MILLIONS FROM ITS
DESTRUCTION.
THAT'S LIKE REPLACING THE SURGEON GENERAL WITH JOE CAMEL.
WARNING SMOKING MAY MAKE PREGNANCY LOOK COOL.
NOW UNLESS YOU STILL HAVE ANY DOUBT ABOUT WHAT IS UP HERE, THE
PRESIDENT OF THE AMERICAN POSTAL WORKERS UNION REVEALED ON MONDAY
THAT IN JUNE THE OFFICE OF THE BUDGET FOR THE WHITE HOUSE PUT
OUT IN WRITING A PROPOSAL TO PRIVATIZE IE BREAK UP THE POSTAL
SERVICE AND SELL IT TO PRIVATE CORPORATIONS.
THEY'RE GOING TO BREAK UP THE POST OFFICE.
BUT I JUST BOUGHT ALL OF THESE FOREVER STAMPS.
YOU LIED TO ME CEASE SONNAL ORCHIDS.
>> YEAH, I KNOW THE NAME OF AN ORCHID.
TRUMP AND DEJOY CLAIM ALL THESE CUTS ARE BECAUSE POST OFFICE IS
LOSING MONEY BUT THAT'S A LIE.
THE PRESIDENT REVEALED HIS TRUE MOTIVATION YESTERDAY AT A PRESS
BRIEFING.
YOU SEE THE DEMOCRATS WANT TO INCLUDE 25 BILLION IN THE LATEST
STIMULUS BILL TO GUARANTEE THAT VOTERS WILL BE ABLE TO MAIL IN
THEIR BALLOTS THIS NOVEMBER BUT TRUMP SAID HE WASN'T GOING TO
SIGN THAT.
>> THEY WANT 25 BILLION FOR THE POST OFFICE.
THEY WANT 2.5-- 3.5 BILLION FOR UNIVERSAL MAIL-IN, 3.5 BILLION,
AND THOSE ARE NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, THEY ARE NOT GOING TO
GET THIS 25 BILLION THEREFORE THEY CAN'T DO THE UNIVERSAL
MAIL-IN VOTE.
VERY SIMPLE.
HOW ARE THEY GOING TO DO IT IF THEY DON'T HAVE THE MONEY TO DO
IT.
>> Stephen: YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY THE CHEATING
PART OUT LOUD, HONEY, HAVE I TO WORK LATE TONIGHT.
I HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT SEX PROJECT AND WE'RE MEET BEING IT
IN SOMEONE ELSE'S CROTCH.
OKAY.
BYE.
TRUMP CALLED IN TO FOX BUSINESS TODAY AND PUT THE DEMOCRATS
FUNDING REQUEST INTO PERSPECTIVE.
>> HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE THREE AND A HALF BILLION
DOLLARS, BILLION FOR MAIL-IN VOTING, BILLION, SO IF YOU
DIDN'T HAVE IT, YOU KNOW HOW MUCH MONEY THAT IS, NOBODY HAS
ANY IDEA.
>> Stephen: ACTUALLY, HAVE I SOME IDEA HOW MUCH 3.5 BILLION
DOLLARS IS,-- 3 AND A HALF BILLION DOLLARS.
THE POINT IS WE CAN'T LET TRUMP GET AWAY WITH UNDERMINING OUR
DEMOCRACY BY DESTROYING A BASIC FUNCTION OF GOVERNMENT.
ESTABLISHING POST OFFICES IS IN THE CONSTITUTION.
CONGRESS NEEDS TO STAND FIRM AND PROTECT THE UNITED STATES POSTAL
SERVICE WITH THE SAME FER VOR THE RIGHT USES TO DEFEND GUNS,
WHAT I AM SAYING IS YOU CAN HAVE MY SISTER-IN-LAW'S CHRISTMAS
NEWSLETTER WHEN YOU PRY IT FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS.
THIS IS ACTUALLY LAST YEAR'S.
YOU CAN HAVE IT.
NEXT WEEK IS THE DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION AND THIS
YEAR WILL BE UNLIKE ANY OTHER BECAUSE DUE TO CORONAVIRUS MOST
EVENTS ARE EXPECTED TO TAKE PLACE ONLINE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
TAKE OFF YOUR TROWSERS AND FIRE UP YOUR BROWSER BECAUSE IT'S
GOING TO BE THE THRILLA ON MOZILLA, THE THUNDERDOME ON
CHROME, THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY ON SAFARI.
LET'S GET READY TO BUFFER!
OKAY.
WE KNOW SOME OF THE BIG SECRETS ALREADY.
YOU GOT YOUR WARRENS, YOU GOT YOUR BERNIES, YOU GOT YOUR
OBAMA, THEN YOUR UPAND COMERS LIKE NEW YORK CONGRESSWOMAN
ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ SEEN HERE IGNITING LOUIS GOHMERT'S
SCALP WITH HER EYES.
AOC IS THE MOST DIME YOU CAN RAISING STAR ON THE IN THE
DEMOCRATIC PARTY WHICH IS WHY SHE IS ONLY GETTING 60 SECONDS
TO SPEAK AT THE CONVENTION.
OH COME ON, DEMOCRATS.
THIS IS LICK WHEN THEY TOLD US CHER WOULD BE IN MAMA MIA HERE
WE GO AGAIN AND THEN SHE WAS ONLY IN THE BLS FIVE MINUTES.
WE WERE ROBBED!
OF CHER!
WHAT I AM SAYING IS I DEMAND TO SEE AOC SING DANCING QUEEN.
THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME AN IMPORTANT SPEAKER HAS BEEN CUT
SHORT AT A CONVENTION.
WE ALL LETTER THIS PIECE FROM TH 2016DNC.
>> WHEN THEY GO LOW-- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: THEY DO GO LOW.
NOW THE DECISION TO SHORT CHANGE AOC HAS FLOODED THE DEMOCRATIC
PARTY WITH COMPLAINTS THAT PARTY LEADERSHIP IS OUT OF TOUCH WITH
YUNG VOTERS.
WELL, I WOULD HOPE THE PARTY LEADERSHIP SOWT OF TOUCH.
THEIR AVERAGE AGE IS 75.
TOUCHING ANYONE IS VERY DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW.
SPEAKING OF AOC, TRUMP WAS, SPECIFICALLY COMPLAINING ABOUT
HER BILL.
>> THE NEW GREEN DEAL IS SOMETHING THAT THE LIKES OF
WHICH NOBODY COULD EVEN COMPREHEND.
IT'S LIKE DRAWN BY CHILDREN.
IT'S DRAWN BY CHILDREN.
>> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL, THAT IS NOT TRUE.
SECOND IS HE SAYING IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO COMPREHEND
CHILDREN'S DRAWINGS?
ERIC, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS, SONS DON'T HAVE A FACE, DUMBY
AND WHAT IS THIS SCRIBBLE, I LOVE YOU DADDY?
I DON'T GET IT.
WHO'S DADDY?
TRUMP COULDN'T BRING UP THE GREEN NEW DEAL WITHOUT GOING
AFTER OCASIO-CORTEZ HIMSELF.
>> HE IS GOING TO GIVE NOT TAX INCREASES, MASSIVE TAX INCREASES
TO PAY FOR AOC'S PLAN.
AOC WAS A POOR STUDENT, I MEAN, I WON'T SAY WHERE SHE WENT TO
SCHOOL, IT DOESN'T MATTER.
>> Stephen: AOC IMMEDIATELY CLAPPED BACK TWEETING LET'S MAWK
A DEAL, MR. PRESIDENT.
YOU RELEASE YOUR COLLEGE TRANSCRIPT, I WILL RELEASE MINE
AND WE WILL SEE WHO WAS THE BETTER STUDENT.
LOSER HAS TO FUND THE POST OFFICE.
OH BAP BAP!
THAT IS A GOOD BURN.
COME ON DNC.
AT LEAST LET HER SING TAKE A CHANCE ON ME.
TALK A CHANCE, TAKE A CHANCE, TAKE A CHANCE, TAKE A CHANCE,
TAKE A CHANCE ON AOC.
♪ WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE FROM SHOWTIME'S THE CIRCUS MARK McKINNON AND
ALEX WAGNER BUT WHEN WE RETURN, MEANWHILE.
STICK AROUND.
TAKE A CHANCE, TAKE A CHANCE, TAKE A CHANCE.