Oh, my gosh, the package is finally here!
Hmm.
Is something wrong, sir?
It says here on the wiki that this thing's supposed to be four foot high, have frills,
and spit acid, but I see none of that.
Sir sir, that is premium content.
You ordered the basic package.
That is the most-- basic package?
Sir-- It is the most scientifically accurate, sir.
Scientifically accurate.
Yeah.
Sir, if you'd just sign here to confirm receipt of the package-- I don't want it!
This is knockoff Chinese Dilophosaur.
I'm refusing shipment!
Fine.
Man, I hate dinosaur misconceptions like these.
And to think he really tried to convince me that Dilophosaurs didn't have frills, didn't
spit acid, and were not four foot high.
Ah, she is out!
She is-- Shoot her!
Shoot her!
The Dilophosaurus was not actually four foot, and was not capable of spitting venom, nor
did it have colorful frills.
These were all nice, little embellishments that our good friend Michael Crichton added
to the Dilophosaurus when he wrote his book, Jurassic Park.
A popularized version that, of course, the developers of ARK thought was much more interesting.
Look, the developers are not stupid, people.
They know well enough that this is not exactly accurate in the same way that your local fast
food chains manager is well aware that the ground beef you are receiving is also not
exactly accurately cow.
In fact, they address it.
In the dossiers, they tend to have these pseudo greko-latin names that imply certain characteristics
of the dinos.
The first part is always the species name of a dinosaur that actually existed followed
by a subspecies category that does not exist.
Some of these sound like they could have been wrestler names in the WWE.
And, over in this corner, at a height of three feet, with a notoriously skittish temperament,
the Oviraptor Philodator, also known as the Egg-Seizing Love Giver.
Or, how about the prehistoric equivalent to the modern day monkey, the Mesopithecus Amicufur,
also known as the Middle Monkey Furry Friend known for its propensity for using fecal biochemcial
warfare.
Truly an unscrupulous opponent.
And yes, the Oviraptor, aka the Egg-Seizing Love Giver, is actually responsible for making
eggs produce out of your dinos at such a rapid tick you would swear they were chickens in
a chicken coop.
And even the Mesopithecus Amicufur, the Middle Monkey Furry Friend, will be your friend as
long as you sit down, have a nice chat, have a laugh, and give him some berries.
He can be tamed totally non-violently, which is very telling based on the name.
As for the inconsistencies with the Dilophosaurus, look at that its second name is Sputatrix
meaning that it spits.
Or we can look at the Direwolf.
In real life it is called the Canis Dirus, but in the game it is called the Canis Maxdirus.
This expalins why the in-game Direwolf is much larger than what is supposed to be just
a bulkier version of a normal wolf in real life, but not big enough to be rideable like
you are some orc in Warcraft!
I am sorry, Thrall, but your war wolf is about as real as the cheese inside of a box of Kraft
Mac and Cheese.
Giant dogs, is that the best you have?
I am still going on my picnic, man.
You are not stopping me from enjoying my prehistoric lunch.
Well, I am afraid to tell you that both your lunch and the dogs are not safe from the Titanomyrma,
if you happen to have your park set in swampland, because the Titanomyrma, this prehistoric
ant, is the size of a canine.
Well, okay, Chihuahua size, but it's still impressive, it is an ant!
In real life it came out to be just slightly bigger than the biggest ant that we have.
Nevertheless, it is dangerous and it will nip off your head as well as Fidos.
Besides, why are you camping out in the middle of the swamp?
Do you not know that there are Titanoboas out there the size of T Rexs that are gonna
strangle you?
At least, they would be the size of T Rexs if their size was accurate to real life.
They have frills again!
What is with the frills, guys?
Are the Titanoboa and the Dilophosaurus getting together for a tea party later or something?
Because I did not get the dresscode memo.
Not that you would want to drink the tea anyway because the tea is probably the Titanoboas
venom that it should not have because in real life the Titanoboa was a constrictor, not
a venemous snake.
But let us be honest, you are all watching so you can see those nice, furry, big, warm-blooded
mammals, are you not?
And, I mean, hey, who could ever forget the historically accurate Mammoths of ARK.
Those creatures with their beloved and well renowned ivory tusks menacing with spikes.
Let me just clarify this, this is spikes on their spikes!
They have bone impalers with impalers attached to them.
It wins an award for being cool as heck, but I am pretty sure Mammoths were dangerous enough
without having maces sticking out of their faces.
And speaking of maces to the faces, let us have a little discussion about dimorphism,
which, for most intents and purposes, you will probably realize, is just the difference
between the male and the female, or in the case of humans, the man and the woman if you
know what I am saying.
I do not know how to put this delicately, so I will not.
Hey, male Anglerfish, that light makes you look like a girl!
Seriously, the female version has the light, the male does not!
He relies on her for light and for sustaining his entire existence.
He is more or less a leech off the female Anglerfish.
This also applies to the prehistoric kangaroo, the Procoptodon, and it is a sin trying to
pronounce that so do not even bother.
The male should not have a kangaroo pouch and, if he does, he should put it away, that
is a female attribute used for taking care of the young.
Now I am sure you have heard quite enough of my pedantic nitpicking at these little
minor things that they got wrong in the game, but ultimately...
What is that?
Oh, no, what is that?
What is that thing that I am currently staring at.
An Anklyosaurus?
Oh, that is sooner a Porcupine then it is an Anklyosaurus.
This is more of a Euoplocephalus, which is a spiked dinosaur, similar to the Anklyosaurs,
but not quite.
The Anklyosaurus had plate armor, which is totally different.
It did not have the spikes.
This is some kind of weird fusion of the two of them.
But it is whatever, I can let it go as long as-- A Trike?
Like the three-wheeled bicycle, a trike?
Hold on, checking the manual, making sure that there is not a tricycle horn that I can
attach to this thing.
For real, though, this is actually kind of clever naming on the developers part because
they knew that what they were putting here, this little genetic abomination is not a Triceratops.
It is a fusion, again, between the Triceratops and the Styracosaurus mostly based on the
placement, amount, and lengths of the horns.
I have seen it all at this point.
I am not even going to be surprised if-- dear god, Master Frodo, what is that?
Let him go!
I understand the logic here.
Giant spiders accompanying our giant insects, but please.
This Shelob is not even a real thing at all.
This Araneo, as it is so called in the game, is based on orb weaver spiders of modern day,
however, even in its actual pseudo scientific name, it is called an amalgamate.
In other words, it is an orb weaver spider with all the orb weaver spider attributes
you could possible conceive of.
You just know that the mad, genius scientist that concocted this one was drunk off his
heels because he can not even remember what he put inside of its genetic structure.
Eh, sure, wolf spider, trapdoor spider, tarantula.
It will all mix.
Now I will admit, despite all of the misconceptions that I have stated so far, the ARK developers
have done a pretty good job of skirting the line of just about being factual with their
dinosaurs.
It is actually downright applaudable in a game where something called the DodoRex can
stomp around right alongside relatively accurate Gallimimus.
Sometimes, though, the developers of ARK throw caution to the wind and just want to be a
cool kid.
Whoa, gang way, everybody.
This lizard is about to go on its maiden voyage.
Look at that sail!
I christen thee, okay, okay, I will not smash a bottle on you after all.
I know that look.
I can take a hint.
Now, before you lose your mind over this living, breathing, reptilian version of the Black
Pearl, buyer beware.
What you are actually looking at here is a rat cross bred with the Lizardman from Soul
Calibur 2.
That is to say that it is not real.
The Dimetrodon as a whole was actually a mammal.
In other words, a warm-blooded, probably skinned, probably furred creature similar to a porcupine
or muskrat.
And yes, the Dimetrodon does more or less resemble a miniature version of the Spinosaur
at this point.
Despite the inaccuracies with the Dimetrodon, the developers of ARK decided to actually
give an updated version of the Spinosaur-- One that makes it have quadrupedal movement
rather than bipedal.
I suppose that the thought of having a prehistoric, dinosaur Quasimodo was just a little bit too
much.
Sorry, this is the end!
I do not have any more misconceptions for you.
There is a Dilophosaurus out there and it really wants some meat.
On the bright side, if I could tame it I am gonna have a pet dinosaur.
See you guys next time.
Hopefully I do not die and will be able to make another episode for you.
Until then, later.
Thank you everybody for watching!
If you enjoyed this video, please remember to leave a like, subscribe, and comment if
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Until then, see you guys.
One of the strings is broken!
Yee-haw!
Get it out!
Shoot her!
What the hell is with this egg?
Come on!
I did not know you were that out of shape.
Holy *redacted* ! Yeah, that is bad.
Oh, that is real bad.
Okay.
I am going to have to learn to wash velour.
It is gross though.
I did see a splatter over in this direction.
We had the good fortune that none of it got on my desktop.
Yeah, wow.
Oh, nope.
Spoke too soon.
Premium content, like the acid spitting and the frills, you will have to pay the premium
surcharge.
Look, you and I played Tennis together, Frank.
My name is Terry, sir, and my mother was killed playing a game of Tennis.
Okay, I derailed this, I am sorry.