- Do you have any specific sexual advice,
for how to please a partner?
- Not for my daughter.
- Yeah, thank you.
But not for your son either cause fuckin' sexist.
- Ready?
- Are you?
- No.
- Okay, me either.
All right, cheers.
I'm Bjork.
- I'm Machias.
- This is my step dad.
Machias came into my life when I was seven
and I am 24 now.
Oh God.
Have you ever had a threesome with Mom?
Would you and with who?
(laughs)
Ah.
- No, I have not had a threesome with your mother.
And no, I have not really thought about that
cause that makes me very uncomfortable,
to be able to look at her, freakin' afterwards,
if somethin' like that happens.
- I'm sweating.
- If you could, would you want your parents
to get back together, even if that means losing me?
- Not now, not ever, not never, not forever.
My brother would have never happened
if you wouldn't have met Mom
and I wouldn't have the life that I have,
I wouldn't be in the country that I am and so,
I think that my life is what it is because of you and Mom.
When you die, what role do you want me to play
at your funeral?
- I don't really want a funeral.
- You don't want a funeral, at all?
- It's a waste of time.
- What am I gettin' in the will?
- All my debt.
- Drink, drink right now.
Take a drink.
- You can have the house payment.
- Take a drink.
Your turn.
- Ugh, if your mom wasn't in the picture,
would you date me?
- Eww, no.
No, fuck no.
I like my men a little more ethnic
and less my father.
Ugh.
What's your honest, unfiltered opinion of my love life?
Any advice, question mark?
- I feel you're a much better person
than the people that you pick sometimes.
She needs to find somebody that thinks more of her
as a person than an object,
like a lot of the boyfriends I've seen in the past.
- True dat.
True dat.
- Hmm.
- Oh God.
- Describe how you lost your virginity.
- I'm just not, no.
To my virginity.
(audience laughs)
Mm mm.
How old were you when you lost your virginity?
You were old as fuck.
- 16.
- Oh, I thought he was gonna be like 18,
you know, he's kinda nerdy.
- Oh great.
- Have you ever caught me masturbating or having sex?
- No.
- Yeah, she caught me hard.
It was that boyfriend you really didn't like.
We let him stay at the house one night
and Mom was pissed.
She was like, you can't have sex here cause Machias
is staying here and if you have sex,
he's gonna be so fuckin' pissed.
And then I did it anyways and then she caught me
and she fucking yelled at me so hard the next day.
(laughs)
- You glad you invited me here to this?
- No.
- Have you ever heard me and your mom having sex?
- Oh God, this is just getting progressively worse for me.
I know, it's healthy and it whatever,
I just ugh, ugh.
No.
- What, doggy style?
- Ugh.
Oh my God, ahh.
I'm gonna blackout so that I forget this.
- Okay.
(audience laughs)
- Would you help me bury the body or turn me in?
- Depends on the circumstances, probably.
- Really?
- I feel if somebody hurt you
and you did something to them.
If it was just you being a dumb ass,
then yeah I'd turn your ass in in a minute.
- Okay, good to know.
- Do you ever wish I was your real dad?
- You are my real dad.
Like, in my mind, you are my father.
You're the only dad I've ever had.
I couldn't imagine not having grown up being your daughter.
- [Man Off Camera] Aww.
- Aww, we're gonna cry.
- No, drink.
- Love you.
- Love you too.
- [Bjork] No, it wasn't that bad,
that's probably the most intelligent one I've done.