Captioning provided by MUHSEN (www.muhsen.org)
If you think back to your hardest moments,
and you think about the words
that you remember being said in those moments,
by those that were around.
You typically remember things that were
really, really out of place.
Things that were said that were very insensitive.
But as far as the good words,
you don't necessarily remember the good words
as much as you remember the good presence of people,
people who you felt like were really grieving alongside you,
people who had a comforting presence,
but their words aren't etched in your memory as much.
(Prayers for the dead, may God have mercy on you all)
When someone said something that really was out of place,
you probably remember that.
There are exceptions to that.
Ibn Abbas radiAllahu ta'ala Anhuma
he mentions when his father passed away
Al Abbas radiAllahu ta'ala Anhu
that there was a Bedouin man that said something so simple
to him in offering him condolences, but it was so profound.
He said, "khayr min alAbbas 'ajruk baedah"
He said that what's better for you than
Al Abbas
than having your father is the reward that
Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la
gives you for being patient with the loss of your father.
"wallah khayr minka lilabbaas"
And Allah is better than you for your father,
meaning that as much as you loved having your father around,
the reward that you have for grieving him properly
and being patient with his loss
is greater than actually having him here.
And as much as your father loved you, the way that
Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la
will love him and take care of him in the next realm
amongst the righteous is far greater
than any love and comfort that
you could have offered him in this world.
It's a very profound statement,
and it matches what the prophet
SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam
taught us to say when we're offering condolences to people.
He said, SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam:
"ina lilahi ma akhadha walahu ma aeataa"
So he says to the grieving family,
that to Allah belongs that which He has taken
and that which He has given.
He starts with that, which He has taken.
To Allah belongs that which He has taken
and that which He has given.
Your loved one was never really yours.
It was always for
Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la
You and them were always for Allah
Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la
So in
"ina lilahi ma akhadha walahu ma aeataa
wa a'indahu kullu shay'in bi'ajalin musama"
And everything is with Allah
Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la
in accordance with its prescribed time,
meaning everything had its expiration date.
Everyone has their prescribed term on this earth,
and once that term finishes
Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la
will take that person back no matter what.
Fal tasbir waltahtasib
So be patient and seek the reward from
Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la
A very powerful way.
We also see that the prophet SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam
used to say
au'dhama Allahu ajrak
Which is, of course, very common for us to say
May Allah magnify your reward,
and it's also been narrated
Wa'ahsana a'za'ak wa ghafara limayitik
That may he, may he magnify your reward,
may he perfect your grieving,
and may he have mercy on your loved one.
Now those are the words that are to be exchanged
when a person is offering condolences
and receiving condolences.
The problem really becomes the practices that surround
al azza
That surrounds the idea of condolences,
and most of them are not only not found in the Sunnah
They're actually opposite of the Sunnah
the prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam,
when Ja'far ibn Abi Talib
radiAllahu ta'ala Anhu, whose cousin passed away,
there's a very long and beautiful narration
of the Prophets SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam
going to the family of,
Ja'far, radiAllahu ta'ala Anhu,
And he has to inform them of the death of
Ja'far, radiAllahu ta'ala Anhu, and Asma
the wife of Jafar gives us this powerful narration
of the Prophet SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam
coming in and she had prepared the kids.
She prepared herself waiting for Ja'far
for her to come back.
But instead it's the Prophet SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam
and the Prophet SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam
calls for the kids.
And they all jump on him Alayhi Salatu Wasallam
Loving him as he was their uncle
not just the messenger of Allah
and the prophet SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam
starts to smell their hair.
He starts to kiss them and embrace them.
And Asma knows that something is wrong.
Something is wrong with the demeanor of the
Prophet SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam
but she was afraid to ask.
And finally, the Prophet SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam mentions
that Jaffa radiAllahu ta'ala Anhu was martyred.
And when the pain overtakes
Asma
bint Umais radiAllahu ta'ala Anha
the family of Jafar.
That's where the Prophet SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam says
Isnau li ali Ja'far taa'ma
that make food
for the family of Ja'far.
Faqad atahoom ma yashghaluhum
because there is something that has come to them
which is keeping them busy.
What keeps them busy has come to them
meaning they are preoccupied with
the death of Ja'far radiAllahu ta'ala Anhu
So make food for them so that they don't have to worry
about making food for themselves.
Now, the problem is, is that we've completely flipped
the sunnah.
The sunnah is to give the family space.
And I say this to the immediate family
more than anything else
don't be afraid to tell people you need space
because sometimes people undertake these practices
like three days opening the house
between Maghrib and Isha and it's always passed Isha.
And then we have to serve food to all of these guests.
And then, you know, they come
and they talk about other things
and we're left with not just grieving, but having to host.
And not only do we have to host
we have to clean up after people
people say insensitive things to us, people crowd us.
Some people are, they're not even talking
about anything that has to do with death.
They're talking about matters of the Dunya.
We have to clean up after they leave.
This is not from the sunnah of
the Prophet SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam.
So in reality, we are supposed to do the things
that relieve the family of the deceased
of as much as possible so that they can possibly grieve.
And so instead of, you know, going
to their homes and forming these gatherings
or forcing these gatherings upon them
make food for them, start a meal train, make food for them.
That's the sunnah of
the Prophets SallAllahu Alayhi Wa Sallam
Offer condolences
in ways that do not infringe upon the space of the family.
And if you are the family of the deceased
don't be afraid to set those boundaries.
And you know, when it comes to the azza, there are, you know
some narrations from one of the companions of the prophet
SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam
for example, that we used to consider gathering
and having food and feasting as a form of "niaha," as a form
of wailing and mourning, which hurts the debt.
But, but look
the overall rule here is give space, give space
take care of the needs of the family, offer condolences
without becoming a burden upon them in the process
and for the family to be comfortable in conveying that
and not burdened by a tradition that somehow is dressed
as a Sunnah where you have to have this formal gathering
for three days and three nights and SubhanAllah
you even find that people start to compete
with the type of food that they have to prepare.
So there's a financial expense as well.
You know, one family is going to serve this type of food
and then you have to have, you know
fresh sacrifices because that's how you honor the dead.
None of that is from the sunnah of the
Prophet SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam.
In fact, most of the scholars mentioned
that giving the condolences should be done, you know
in the masjid or where you see the people
without infringing upon them.
And should the family have people come and visit them
should the family accompany, you know, others
or have others accompanied them
if they want that, if they want that
then they can have those that they need be around them.
So it's, it's also not to the extent where
like it's haram to have people come
and visit you for those three days.
No, but you should have the choice to say who
you would like to be around you for those three days
and not be burdened by any extra expectations.
And so with the Azza, once again
the Sunnah is ease and the innovations are hardship
and provide all sorts of difficulties for the family.
And it's important for us to separate the two to grieve
for three days to take time off, to reflect
to remember Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la
to have everything prepared for you
and not to add on more, that will burden you or burden
especially the closer relatives.
And sometimes by the way, the extended family puts pressure
on the immediate family to do certain things.
And that's also not fair.
So as a family grieve together, read the Qur'an
remember Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la
Mention good aspects of the dead.
It's okay to get together and to remind one another
of death to speak about death
but don't take on an extra level
of feast or gathering that is not going to honor the dead
nor is it going to honor
the Sunnah of the Prophet SallAllahu Alayhi Wa Sallam