WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR SHOWS, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I FEEL EXACTLY THE SAME WAY.
I FEEL EXACTLY THE SAME WAY.
IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK.
HOPE YOU HAD A TERRIFIC FOURTH OF JULY,
HANGING WITH YOUR FAMILY, GRILLING FIREWORKS, AND STAYING
UP TO WATCH THE HOTDOGS.
( LAUGHTER ) ONE THING AMERICA DIDN'T DO OVER
THE BREAK WAS HIT PRESIDENT BIDEN'S GOAL OF GETTING 70% OF
ADULTS AT LEAST ONE VACCINE DOSE BY JULY 4.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) YEAH, I KNOW.
WE DIDN'T HIT 70% WE DIDN'T EVEN GET A "C"
IF THIS WAS HEALTH CLASS, WE'D ALL BE STRUGGLING TO GET THE
CONDOM ON THE BANANA.
OR OFF, EITHER WAY.
IT'S AN ABSOLUTE MESS.
THAT BANANA IS GOING TO HAVE UNWANTED PLANTAINS.
( LAUGHTER ) UNFORTUNATELY, FEWER VACCINATED
AMERICANS MEANS MORE SICK ONES.
BECAUSE LAST WEEK, 42 STATES SAW AN INCREASE IN COVID-19 CASES.
NO, NO AMERICA!
THE PANDEMIC'S GOTTA BE OVER!
I THREW OUT MY SWEATPANTS I KILLED MY SOURDOUGH STARTER, I
DRANK ALL MY HAND SANITIZER, I'M NOT GOING BACK TO THE STORAGE
ROOM.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
NO SURPRISE, THE NEW COVID HOT SPOTS ARE MOSTLY PLACES WITH LOW
VACCINATION RATES.
C'MON GUYS.
GET THE SHOT.
DON'T MAKE CELEBRITIES SING AGAIN.
( LAUGHTER ) HAVEN'T WE SUFFERED ENOUGH?
>> Jon: OH, O'...
>> Stephen: THIS SURGE CAN ALSO BE BLAMED ON
THE HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS DELTA VARIANT, WHICH ACCOUNTS FOR MORE
THAN 51% OF ALL NEW CASES.
LOOK, I'VE BEEN SAYING IT FOR A LONG TIME: DELTA SUCKS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ALSO THIS VARIAN.
( LAUGHTER ) THE DELTA VARIANT IS SO SERIOUS
THAT EXPERTS ARE WARNING IT COULD CAUSE A SURPRISING AMOUNT
OF DEATH.
( LAUGHTER ) NEVER A COMBINATION OF WORDS YOU
WANT TO HEAR.
( LAUGHTER ) RIGHT UP THERE WITH ALL-NATURAL
DEODORANT AND SMALL PLATES DINNER PARTY.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S TOO MANY PEOPLE FOR TAPAS,
KRISTEN.
JUST LET ME HAVE MY OWN ENTREE.
ONE PLACE THE DELTA VARIANT HAS BEEN RUNNING RAMPANT IS
BRANSON, MISSOURI, TOURIST MECCA OF PEOPLE WHO ARE AFRAID OF
MECCA.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THANK YOU.
>> Jon: THAT ONE, RIGHT ON.
RIGHT ON.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: DESPITE MISSOURI'S
EXTREMELY LOW VACCINATION RATE, BRANSON HAS
BEEN HOPPING, WITH CROWDS FLOCKING TO SEE ATTRACTIONS LIKE
LIVE COUNTRY MUSIC, AN OVERSIZED BUST OF RONALD REAGAN AND A
REPLICA OF THE TITANIC.
LOOK, KIDS.
A WHOLE BUNCH OF PEOPLE DIED FROM AN EASILY PREVENTABLE
TRAGEDY.
ANYWAY, LET'S ALL PUT OUR MOUTHS ON THE SAME FUNNEL CAKE AND SEE
YAKOV SMIRNOFF.
COME ON!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) EVEN WITH CASES RISING,
REPUBLICANS CONTINUE TO DISCOURAGE PEOPLE FROM GETTING
THE VACCINE.
TAKE GEORGIA REPRESENTATIVE MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE
(CROWD BOOS) IT SAYS IN THE SCRIPT HERE, I'M
NOT JOKING -- IT SAYS "PAUSE FOR BOOING."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: LET ME READ INTO
HER AGAIN.
YOU CONTINUE HAVE TO BOO THIS TIME.
GEORGIA REPRESENTATIVE MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE
SEEN HERE FARTING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.
( LAUGHTER ) YESTERDAY, GREENE TWEETED THAT
THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE ARE REPORTING VERY SERIOUS LIFE
CHANGING VACCINE SIDE EFFECTS FROM TAKING COVID VACCINES.
JUST SAY NO.
YES, SERIOUS LIFE-CHANGING SIDE-EFFECTS, LIKE STAYING
ALIVE.
( LAUGHTER ) GREENE RIPPING OFF ANTI-DRUG
SLOGANS REMINDS ME OF THIS AD: >> THIS IS YOUR BRAIN.
THIS IS MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE'S BRAIN.
( SIZZLING SOUNDS ) I'M SAYING SHE'S AN IDIOT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: THIS WEEKEND WAS C-PAC WHICH, OF COURSE, STANDS
FOR "CAUCASIAN PEOPLE ARE COMPLAINING."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, I TID NOT KNOW THAT.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT'S WHAT IT WAS CALLED.
I DIDN'T KNOW.
LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERY DAY.
NOW, C-PAC IS HELD ANNUALLY.
BUT THEY ALREADY HELD ONE IN FEBRUARY.
ONE NOTABLE FEATURE OF THAT EVENT WAS THAT ITS STAGE
RESEMBLED A NAZI INSIGNIA.
WELL, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU HIRE GOEBBELS AND SONS SET
DESIGN.
WE DO BIG EVENTS REICH.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THE G.O.P. LEARNED THEIR
LESSON, WHICH IS WHY THIS WEEKEND'S
STAGE LOOKED LIKE A GIANT PENIS --
( LAUGHTER ) THAT IS SO DUMB.
ALSO, DANGEROUS IF SOMEONE TURNS ON THE AIR CONDITIONING.
( LAUGHTER ) I BELIEVE THAT OUR COUNTRY IS
-- OH MY GOD, WHY IS THE STAGE
SHRINKING?
( LAUGHTER ) JOKE'S BASED ON A TRUE STORY.
( LAUGHTER ) A LOT OF PEOPLE SPOKE, BUT THE
MOMENT EVERYONE'S TALKING ABOUT WAS DELIVERED BY SON OF THE
FORMER PRESIDENT, AND GUY POINTING OUT THAT COCAINE IS
TECHNICALLY A VEGETABLE, DON JUNIOR.
( LAUGHTER ) TOO LATE.
( LAUGHTER ) JUNIOR TRIED TO LIGHTEN UP HIS
SPEECH IN DALLAS, TEXAS WITH A JOKE ABOUT TEXAS.
AND TEXANS DIDN'T LIKE IT.
>> TEXAS HAS ALWAYS LED THE CHARGE.
(APPLAUSE) WELL, 'TIL ABOUT A COUPLE MONTHS
AGO, AND THEN AUSTIN SORT OF TOOK OVER.
LIKE I DON'T KNOW GUYS.
LIKE TEXAS WAS LEADING THE CHAR-- YOU'RE STILL TOP 25.
( SILENCE ) BUT WE GOTTA WORK ON THAT STUFF
BECAUSE THOSE PEOPLE HAVE LOST THEIR MINDS.
(SILENCE) RIGHT?
>> GO BACK TO CALIFORNIA!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: NOW, I DO COMEDY PROFESSIONALLY, SO LET ME
EXPLAIN: THAT'S WHAT WE IN THE BUSINESS CALL NOT DOING COMEDY
PROFESSIONALLY.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW YOU REALLY NAILED THE
PUNCHLINE WHEN YOU LOOK OFF INTO THE DISTANCE TO SEE IF HELP IS
COMING.
RIGHT?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THERE'S ALSO BIG NEWS ABOUT
JUNIOR'S DAD, WALKER TAXES EVADER.
( LAUGHTER ) YESTERDAY, HE PHONED IN TO "FOX
BUSINESS" AND MADE A STARTLING CLAIM ABOUT THE JANUARY SIXTH
INSURRECTION.
>> THERE WAS SUCH LOVE AT THAT RALLY, AND THEY WERE PEACEFUL
PEOPLE, THESE WERE GREAT PEOPLE, THE CROWD WAS UNBELIEVABLE AND I
MENTIONED THE WORD LOVE, THE LOVE IN THE AIR, I'VE NEVER SEEN
ANYTHING LIKE IT.
>> STEPHEN: YES, IT WAS ALL PEACE AND LOVE, JUST LIKE
WOODSTOCK WHEN JIMI HENDRIX PLAYED THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER
ON NANCY PELOSI'S PODIUM.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW WE ALL WATCHED THE CAPITOL
RIOT LIVE, SO WE KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
BUT THE FORMER PRESIDENT CLAIMS THE NEWS NETWORKS ARE
WITHHOLDING SECRET FOOTAGE THAT WOULD PROVE THAT THE
INSURRECTION WAS ACTUALLY KINDA GREAT:
>> THEY HAVE HUNDREDS OF HOURS OF TAPE, AND ND THEY'RE NOT
RELEASING THE TAPE.
THEY OUGHT TO RELEASE THE TAPE TO SEE WHAT REALLY HAPPENED.
BUT THERE WAS ALSO A LOVEFEST BETWEEN THE POLICE, THE CAPITOL
POLICE AND THE PEOPLE THAT WALK DOWN TO THE CAPITOL.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: A LOVEFEST?
DUDE.
IF THAT'S LOVE, THEN (SINGING)
♪ YOU GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪♪ (BAND KICKS IN WITH GUITAR SOLO
TO BON JOVI'S "YOU GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME")
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU.
>> Jon: THANK YOU!
THE WAY YOU HAD THAT LEAN, MMM!
>> Stephen: BUT THE BIGGEST STORY OUT OF THE
WEEKEND CONTINUES TO BE THE MILESTONE SPACE TRAVEL PULLED
OFF BY BILLIONAIRE BUSINESS-GOAT AND DAD WHO SOMEHOW FOUND AN
EVEN MORE EMBARRASSING BIKING OUTFIT, SIR RICHARD BRANSON.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN MY INTERSTELLAR SEGMENT
(ECHOING) SPACE NEWS!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BRANSON EDITION!
( SPACE SOUNDS ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YESTERDAY, BRANSON SUCCESSFULLY
TRAVELED TO OUTER SPACE WITH HIS NEW COMPANY, VIRGIN GALACTIC.
THIS IS HUGE.
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO INSPIRING FOR ONE YOUNG MAN TO
LEARN THAT VIRGINS COULD GO TO SPACE.
( LAUGHTER ) HOLD ON, BUDDY.
HOLD ON.
IT GETS BETTER.
THIS WASN'T YOUR GRANDPA'S HUM-DRUM SPACE EVENT FROM THE
SQUARES OVER AT NASA.
BRANSON BROUGHT THE PARTY TO THE TARMAC, AND THE BEATS TO THE
SKY.
>> THE CREW IS LISTENING TO A SPECIAL SOUNDTRACK FOR THE
GLIDE, IT'S THE LATEST RELEASE FROM KHALID, CALLED NEW NORMAL.
>> Stephen: YEAH, THEY WERE JAMMIN' IN ZERO
G!
NOT SURE WHAT THIS DANCE IS BUT I JUST DID IT.
>> Jon: YEAH, BABY.
>> Stephen: REMINDS ME OF THIS SCENE FROM APOLLO 13.
>> HOUSTON WE HAVE A >> PARTYYYYYYY!!
( APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: NOW, TECHNICALLY,
BRANSON'S FLIGHT REACHED THE EDGE OF SPACE, AND THE
VIRGIN GALACTIC CREW EXPERIENCED ONLY FOUR MINUTES OF
WEIGHTLESSNESS.
HE BARELY WENT IN AND LASTED ONLY A FEW MINUTES?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YEAH, THAT IS A VIRGIN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: OH!
>> Stephen: YOU SEE, JON, WHEN TWO PEOPLE LOVE EACH OTHER VERY
MUCH -- >> Jon: RIGHT.
>> Stephen: I'LL TELL YOU LATER.
( APPLAUSE ) BRANSON HAD THIS TO SAY ONCE HE
SUCCESSFULLY RE-ENTERED THE ATMOSPHERE.
>> HAVING FLOWN TO SPACE, I CAN SEE EVEN MORE CLEARLY HOW VIRGIN
GALACTIC IS THE SPACE LINE FOR EARTH.
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S RIGHT.
THIS VIRGIN GALACTIC SPACE FLIGHT WAS ONE BIG COMMERCIAL
FOR VIRGIN GALACTIC.
IT'S JUST LIKE WHEN NEIL ARMSTRONG SET FOOT ON THE MOON:
>> THIS IS ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, AND ONE GIANT GULP OF TANG.
TANG, THE REFRESHING DRINK OF THE FUTURE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HE PULLED DOWN
SOME SERIOUS COIN.
YOU KNOW NEIL.
>> Jon: OH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: NEIL BOUGHT A BEACH HOUSE WITH THAT.
NOW, EAGLE EYED VIEWERS WHO TUNED IN TO THE LAUNCH MIGHT'VE
NOTICED A SPECIAL CAMEO.
IT'S SUBTLE.
SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT IT: ENTREPRENEUR.
PHILANTHROPIST.
ICONOCLAST.
ACTIVIST.
ADVENTURER.
BILLIONAIRE.
GOATEE-HOST ORGANISM.
LATER TODAY, RICHARD BRANSON AND HIS CREW WILL RETURN TO EARTH AS
ASTRONAUTS.
WOW, I SURE HOPE I WAS OFFERED SOMETHING BIG IN EXCHANGE FOR
SHAMELESSLY PLUGGING A BILLIONAIRE'S CARNIVAL SPACE
CRUISE.
( LAUGHTER ) WELL, I'LL HAVE TO ASK HIM WHAT
HE OFFERED ME TOMORROW ON SIR RICHARD BRANSON'S CONTRACTUALLY
OBLIGATED APPEARANCE ON "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT"
11:35 PM ON CBS.
TOMORROW.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WATCH IT!
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, THE HOTTEST TREND IN DATING SHOWS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪