Where am I?
Geoff.
Come forth.
This is Heaven, isn't it?
Yes.
Come forth and be judged at the Pearly Gates.
Oh.
Seems you've done a lot of good things in your life.
Well, thank you for noticing,
I tried to be a fairly virtuous person.
You know, I donated money to the Rotary Club.
However... Seems you've also committed some sins.
No, I don't... think so.
Well, you pinched your sister when you were 8.
You once pretended to have a British accent to sleep with a girl.
She knew I was faking.
You committed murder 387,406 times,
You have two unpaid parking tickets--
Uh, I'm sorry, what was that?
You have two unpaid parking tickets.
No, n-no the-- go back, the murder part?
Did you say I murdered somebody?
Well, that's what it says in this book, and Heaven doesn't lie.
Are you calling Jesus a liar?
Jesus, no, I--
I'm not calling him anything.
I just-- It's a mistake, 'cause I never did that.
My name is Geoff with a "G". It could have been a "J" Jeff,
Potentially? I don't know.
There he is. There's the man who killed me.
Okay. That's a video game character. That does not count.
Who ever said that?
Who said that killing a video game character doesn't count?
But, I--
It's your intentions that matters. And in your heart,
you really believed that you were killing that poor Goomba.
You killed me, and over 500 of my family.
My beautiful wife, Dianne.
You horrible monster.
But he's not even human.
Oh.
Well, now we can add "racism" to your list.
No!
Well, if you want to talk about strictly humans,
what about all those hookers you had sex with,
and then killed to avoid paying them?
Hookers? I never--
Grand Theft Auto?
Yeah.
Hookers are people too.
Well... Technically they're actually 2/3's of a person,
But you killed 46, so that's...
30.666...
I get the point.
Moving along.
Come on in.
Where is he going?
He is a bad guy. He's a bad, bad guy.
He was just an innocent solider following orders.
And honestly, I don't think anyone was ever killed by a Grunt.
Ever.
Yeah, but that's not fair.
Oh. Oh! You want to talk fair now!
Let's talk about fair!
Why don't you ask the hundreds of soldiers that you killed in Call of Duty about "fair".
Or better yet,
Why don't you ask that guy over there,
about the time you sliced him in half and smashed his remains to a bloody pulp.
Was that "fair", Sub-Zero?
Yeah, okay, I get it. That's gross and all,
but, what about all the things I did right in video games?
Like the princesses I saved? And the worlds I saved?
There was a lot of saving.
But what about the good deeds you didn't do?
The things I didn't...? I-- What?
Let's take Granny Redstone for example.
How many times did she ask you to collect apples for her?
I don't even know what game you're talking about.
Well, doesn't matter, because she's dead now!
She starved to death,
because you couldn't find the time to pick 10 apples for her and her family.
10 apples!
Oh, what, so I'm supposed to do every side quest in every video game?
Oh, what, you expect me to let every single person into Heaven?
Huh?
Why don't we take a vote?
All those in favor of letting Geoff into Heaven, raise your hands.
Asshole.
Hey, come on, they don't even have hands!
That is unfair!
Oh.
NEXT!
[buzzer sounding]
[Geoff screaming]
Why am I still falling?
Oh noooo!
[Crying]