CEUs are available at ALLCEUs.com/Introvert
hey there everybody and welcome to this video where we explore
the difference between avoidant attachment and introversion i'm your host dr donnelly snipes
avoidant attachment is a type of attachment it's an insecure attachment style it overlaps almost
completely with what we call in the dsm 5tr avoidant personality disorder i don't like the
term disorder because i think that the avoidant personality behaviors develop as a way the person
copes with a very abusive and neglectful environment anyhow people who have avoided
attachment are often dismissive or minimizing of their feelings and needs as well as the feelings
and needs of other people they grew up in a household where they were told that they were
too needy that they were too emotional that they needed to suck it up they were not comforted they
were criticized and so they've grown up shunning their own feelings and needs as well as those of
others it's not that they don't empathize it's that they have been taught that it is
not important to pay attention to those things they can't empathize they just don't
people with avoidant attachment may not try new things won't ask for help and give up
easily due to fear of rejection embarrassment criticism or just not being accepted when they
were growing up again their caregivers expected way too much out of them and as a result they fell
short they were constantly receiving criticism and feedback that they weren't
good enough we see this and avoid an attachment and we often see this in avoidant personality
they feel shame for expressing emotion we already talked about that
have unreal unrealistic expectations of themselves and constant feelings of inadequacy
not feeling good enough so the person with avoidant personality or avoidant attachment
constantly feels like they don't measure up that their feelings are unimportant that they
are not good enough they have this low self-esteem they believe they don't deserve love because
they're unappealing or inferior how heartbreaking is that and these are the characteristics as
i mentioned of a avoidant quote personality disorder in addition to avoiding attachment
and finally in people with avoidant attachment or personality their relationships the ones that
they do have are often extremely superficial why well in their family of origin nobody had these
deep relationships it was all pretty superficial anyhow they were taught that their feelings and
thoughts didn't matter and they were taught that if you let anybody in if you're vulnerable you're
going to get criticized and you're going to get hurt so as adults their relationships tend to be
on the surface i will interact with you to the extent that i have to you know
say at work for example but then we're done we're not going to be best friends forever
introversion on the other hand is a personality style or a personality trait it's the opposite
if you will of extroversion it's important to remember that introversion and extroversion
are on a continuum most people are not all the way at one end or all the way
at the other they have characteristics of both temperaments but people who are introverts often
need down or alone time each day to get grounded and recharged it's not that they don't like people
it's that the noise from being among people and out doing stuff can be exhausting for them they
just need some recharge time they love to do deep dives on things these are the people who
if they get something that they're interested in they are going to try to learn everything there
is to know about it they're going to check out every book they are going to talk to every person
they're going to read every blog they don't have a lot of interest in small talk that
superficial small talk that you make with anybody and everybody feels like a time waster to them so
that's kind of interesting and that's one of those key differences between introversion and avoidant
personality avoidant personality the relationships are often superficial in introversion you've got
relationships that tend to be very close and very deep also the person who's introverted doesn't
have that underlying feeling of anxiety or not being good enough as a result of their temperament
now they may have that for other reasons but healthy introverts don't have that they are very
comfortable in their own skin they're actually a lot more aware of what's going on inside them
than outside so there they know what what they're feeling they have to exert a lot of effort to
get out of their own head if you will and notice what's going on around them not that they are
selfish or self-centered it's just the way they are wired when they're in environments with other
people which they don't dislike you know it people who are introverted do tend to like being around
other people not big crowds that's overwhelming but a few people at a time but it takes a lot of
energy for them to focus on other people and other people's needs now some people who are introverts
interestingly enough are highly sensitive people they're aware of what's going on inside them and
they're also very aware of what's going on around around um with others and when they get into an
environment in which there's lots of people around it's like the volume gets turned up to its act
max amount and they're just getting all this stimulus and input and it's overwhelming
again this overwhelmingness or this input this is not the result of hyper vigilance
or trauma or anything else it's just the way introverts are my daughter is an introvert and
even doing things when she was a teenager like going to the mall or going shopping
even if we were going just grocery shopping and stuff so it's not like this huge crowd being out
and around other people was exhausting for her and she would come home and she would
just say okay i've had enough extroverting for today i'm going to my room for a while
fine she needed time after that outing to get grounded and regroup and and that was fine
people who are introverts tend to have a few close friends extroverts have a lot of acquaintances
they have never met a stranger if you will people who are introverts have a few close friends when
they go out and do things they like to do things either by themselves or with a couple of people
so the size of the group is limited it's not that they don't like people it's that the size
of the group is limited they also prefer to work independently because they can get into their zone
they can get into their groove and do a deep dive they don't mind collaborating on projects
but they prefer to have each person have their own task and then you get together and share
and then each person go and do the next step and then you get together and share
instead of four people trying to work on the exact same thing at the exact same time they
can do it but it's probably not their favorite activity people who are introverts tend to be
accountants scientists even sometimes people who work on an assembly line if it's not too
chaotic because they are able on the assembly line to focus on in their own head you know
when a lot of times when people work on assembly lines they're not chatting with all of the people
around them they've got to focus on what they're doing and people who are introverted because they
get into that groove they get into that zone if you will they often dislike interruptions
and i said multiple times that people who are introverts don't dislike other people because
that is a huge misconception and that's one of the things i wanted to dispel right now people who are
anxious about getting in relationships who don't trust other people who feel bad about themselves
that we want to look at attachment introversion is a set of behaviors or a way of interacting that
is very common in healthy empathetic compassionate people
and and so there's a difference that we need to recognize
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people who have avoidant personality or attachment are often haunted by an underlying fear of
rejection or sense of shame sometimes people who are avoidant may have lost hope in others
so they truly just don't care about getting in relationships and that is one manifestation of the
stress response we've talked about this in other videos fight flee freeze fun or forget about it
and they've gotten to the point that psychologists will sometimes call learned helplessness and they
just kind of lay down and go i give up forget about it i'm just not even going to try anymore
people who are introverts on the other hand are often very healthy and happy
in touch with their feelings and needs and have a few close friends ultimately the question is
are you truly happy some people who have avoidant personality have been that way for so long
and often it begins in childhood that they've reached a point where they are
comfortable with it if you will they are afraid of change or they just don't have the energy for
change or whatever the reason is they don't want to change their attachment style they're
like fine i don't need people i can go live by myself and be a hermit on 115 acres that's
fine if that's what they want to do obviously because that's their choice and that's another
mistake that people often make assuming that the person with avoidant personality wants to change
if they want to change there are tools to help them overcome the issues that got them to where
they are if they don't if they are content with where they are right now well then great let's
empower them to be the person that they want to be and introverts we need to embrace their potential
because just because they like to do deep dives just because they don't like to be interrupted
you know that makes them a great member of a team when you've got other people who like to do the
superficial things they like to come up with the great ideas but figuring out how to actually put
it all together is just too much you know they get bored really easily well they balance each
other out so introverts are also awesome to have around we just need to respect that unlike the
extrovert who gets ener draws energy from being around people and can get charged in
you know rah-rah meetings as we sometimes call them the introvert not so much that's exhausting
for the introvert so we do need to respect their ways of gaining energy there are ways of feeling
grounded and centered and the environments that are preferable and least stressful to them
related videos are linked in the notes to this presentation
i've done multiple videos on temperament extrovert introvert sensing intuitive
all that kind of stuff and what they might look like in relationships so if you're interested in
how people's temperaments may be impacting their relationships and how you can better
connect with people of different temperaments check out some of those videos