Though we cannot have actual real audiences
because of course the COVID epidemic,
we do have cutouts.
I mentioned this earlier in the week.
Random cutouts that we found
in a storage room on the Warner Brother's lot.
Here they are joining us,
a cutout of Ruth Bader Ginsburg,
the Supreme Court Justice,
Conrad Bain, the father on Different Strokes.
We have a life-sized, six-foot-six
cutout of former FBI director James Comey.
And four, count them four Kevin Harts.
So we got that.
All right, we are not alone.
Also I should point out,
she's either a cutout or a real person,
my assistant Sona Movsesian.
Sona!
Oh yeah, I saw your head move,
you are the real Sona.
Yeah I'm real.
[Conan] Okay, how are you?
I'm all right, how are you?
[Conan] You enjoy being in a crowd?
Is there a feeling of electricity in that crowd?
No it's kinda sad and lonely actually.
It's a little depressing out here.
Thank you!
Thank you for pumping up the show, Sona.
Great job. Lonely and depressing.
Everything I just did to create a sense
of visceral excitement now deflated, right Sona?
Yeah, its really just, there's nothing-
Got it!
Thank you, thank you.
Good to have you here, as always.
There's no one else here.
We're good!
I'm just by myself.
Okay! We got it, all by yourself and depressed.
Hey! Guess what?
I think we're all feeling that way, don't you think Sona?
Don't you think a lot of people
are feeling a little down these days?
Yeah, I think there's a lot of depression.
Yeah, I can't hear you, its the mask.
You sound like one of the parents
on a Charlie Brown cartoon.
(Sona laughing)
But anyway
(cartoon mumbling)
You know, we are in the middle
of a global pandemic, no getting around that.
And you may have seen
a lot of the critical data
that's been charted and graphed by the CDC.
Okay, and that's fine, that's good.
We need science, we need information.
But as I've mentioned,
some of the graphs that they're releasing
seem a little unnecessary,
as far a I'm concerned.
For example, I don't know
if you've seen this one,
since March, there's been a 98% increase
in Americans walking into their living rooms,
stopping and saying, "why did I come in here?"
Yeah, there's been a 68% increase
in deciding not to learn
another language after all.
There's been a 60% increase
in horny guys bragging
that their oxygen sat rates are
"...through the roof, bro!"
How are these so far, Sona?
They're good. They're really funny, nice job.
Jesus Christ.
Hey, there's been a 438% decrease
in your dog's interest in you.
There's been a 70% increase
in asking the Postmates person to hold you gently.
There's been a non-stop increase
in aimless walks taken.
There's been a significant increase in Americans saying,
"Might as well try that Elon Musk brain chip."
And finally, a chart depicting my binges:
food, Netflix,
and sex.
See how that last one,
kind of the joke was on me?
Yeah. Yeah that was good.
That was funny.
My own fault for asking Sona's opinion.
No one needs to know.
No one needs to know that, and by the way
(laughs)
okay? Lets just say this guy...
[Sona] What?
Anyway!
(Sona laughing)