>> STEPHEN: YOU KNOW, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME OVER THERE
MACHINING AND ENGINEERING THE BIGGEST NEWS STORIES OF THE DAY
INTO THE FINELY TUNED FERRARI THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES I LIKE TO DRAG OUT THE RUSTED CHASSIS OF AN
ABANDONED PICK-UP, BOLT ON SOME BUSTED-OUT HEADLIGHTS, A
DISCARDED SNOW PLOW, AND SOME REPURPOSED FLAMETHROWERS TO MAKE
THE POST-APOCALYPTIC DEATH BUGGY OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT
>> "MEANWHILE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT CURES WHAT AILS YA.
MEANWHILE, A MASSIVE FIRE BROKE OUT ON TUESDAY AT AN AUSTRALIAN
CATTLE BREEDING LAB "DESTROYING AROUND 100 CRYOGENIC
CYLINDERS USED TO STORE CATTLE SEMEN," AND CAUSING "A MASSIVE
SEMEN EXPLOSION."
WHICH, BY THE WAY, WAS THE WORKING TITLE FOR "THE
EXPENDABLES."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ACCORDING TO LOCALS, IT SEEMS "THE SEMEN INSIDE THE
CYLINDERS "WAS RAPIDLY EXPANDING AND ESSENTIALLY THE LIDS OF THE
CRYOGENIC CYLINDERS WERE JUST POPPING OFF THE TOP AND
PROJECTILES WERE BEING THROWN FROM THE BUILDING."
BULL SEMEN PROJECTILES.
SO LOOK OUT FOR NINE MONTHS WHEN ALL THE OVULATING WOMEN IN THE
AREA GIVE BIRTH TO MINOTAURS.
( LAUGHTER ) SOMEBODY'S LITTLE BOY.
HE'S SOMEBODY'S LITTLE BOY.
HALF BOY.
>> Jon: WOW...
>> Stephen: MEANWHILE, THE U.S. NAVY HAS
CONFIRMED THE EXISTENCE OF UNIDENTIFIED FLYING OBJECTS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YES, I AGREE, ONE CLAPPER.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS MASSIVE NEWS THAT COULD
SHATTER OUR ENTIRE CONCEPTION OF THE UNIVERSE AND OUR PLACE IN
IT.
WHICH IS WHY I'M COVERING IT IN MINUTE 23 OF MY SHOW RIGHT AFTER
THE BULL SEMEN STORY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE NAVY IS REACTING TO THE LEAKING OF SEVERAL VIDEOS FROM
ABOARD NAVY FIGHTERS CAPTURING THE OBJECTS.
HERE'S ONE OF THEM.
>> THERE'S A WHOLE FLEET OF THEM, LOOK ON THE ASA.
>> MY GOSH!
THEY'RE ALL GOING AGAINST THE WIND.
THE WIND IS 120 MILES TO THE WEST.
>> LOOK AT THAT THING, DUDE.
>> STEPHEN: I DON'T WANT TO HEAR STEELY-EYED PILOT FIGHTERS
CONFUSED.
IT'S LIKE HEARING YOUR SURGEON SAY, "OOO, THIS GUY IS ALL WET
INSIDE."
( LAUGHTER ) "SOMETHING'S WRONG, SOMETHING'S
WRONG."
( LAUGHTER ) THE NAVY LOGO NAVY WAS FORCED TO
ADDRESS THE FOOTAGE AFTER IT WAS RELEASED BY A U.F.O.
INVESTIGATIVE GROUP CALLED "TO THE STARS ACADEMY OF ARTS AND
SCIENCE," WHICH WAS FOUNDED BY FORMER BLINK 182 GUITARIST, TOM
DELONGE.
WHICH MIGHT SEEM WEIRD BUT DELONGE IS JUST ONE OF MANY 90'S
MUSICIANS DOING TRAILBLAZING EXPLORATION OF THE PARANORMAL.
WE ARE ALL INDEBTED TO THE VIGILANCE OF THE BRAVE MEN AND
WOMEN OVER AT "THE SPIN DOCTOR'S CHUPACABRA TASK-FORCE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, THIS WEEK, MERRIAM WEBSTER ANNOUNCED ITS NEW
ADDITIONS FOR 2019, WHICH HAS "MORE THAN 530 NEW WORDS,"
INCLUDING "VACAY: A SHORTENING OF VACATION," "SESH: A
SHORTENING OF SESSION," AND "INSPO: A SHORTENING OF
INSPIRATION."
BECAUSE THE MERRIAM WEBSTER DICTIONARY IS NOW BEING WRITTEN
BY A COKED-UP MIAMI REAL ESTATE AGENT.
"GREAT SPOT FOR A VACAY.
JUST A SHORT SESH.
DECORATE ACCORDING TO YOUR INSPO.
I TAKE A SMALL COMMISH.
THAT'S THE SITCH.
THIS IS AN ACCEPTABLE WAY TO TALK NOW.
SAYS SO IN THE DICK.
RIGHT THERE, OKAY.
WHOO!
I GOTTA HIT THE HEAD.
BE RIGHT BACK.
YOU GUYS WANT TO START A SOFTWARE COMPANY?
I JUST BOUGHT A BOAT!
WHOO!