Yeah, nothing traditional
about my family, my marriage,
nothing, really--
I mean, other than, I guess,
we're straight.
My wife proposed to me.
It wasn't even like
romantic or thoughtful.
She just came in one day
after a run.
She was just like, "listen,
"I'm pregnant."
(audience laughing)
So I was like, oh man,
what am I supposed to do now?
So I was like I guess I've got
to get a ring, ask my dad.
I don't know where to get a ring,
jewelry.
I didn't know.
I never bought anything like that.
My dad's like the cheapest guy
in the world.
He told me to go to like Costco
or Sam's Club.
He was like, don't mess with me,
don't bust my chops.
I'm telling you,
they've got a jewelry department,
very affordable.
I'm like, "dad, I only want one ring.
"I don't want bulk jewelry."
(audience laughing)
Imagine that.
I'll take a case of paper towels,
a 40-gallon drum of ketchup,
and a case of rings apparently.
I don't know.
No, man, I've been with my wife
22 years now.
It's awesome.
(audience applauding)
Thank you.
Yeah, yeah.
I knew we had a good relationship
when she first moved in with me
and we lived in a studio apartment
in New York City.
That's when you know that you've got
it because if you get
in a fight, an argument in a studio
apartment, there's nowhere to go.
You can't be like, I can't believe
you just said that to me.
No, no, that's-- that's ridiculous.
I'm going over here.
(audience laughing)
TV area section, I can't go
any other places.
Believe it or not, my wife
is beautiful, a very attractive
woman.
Yeah, I don't appreciate you
laughing at that.
But no, when my boys met her,
my guy friends met her,
they were like totally surprised,
such jerks.
They're like, "dude, she's very hot,
"man, just saying."
(audience laughing)
What are you just saying?
"No, I just would have expected
"something different."
What?
What were you expecting?
"I don't know, something hooven."
What?
You don't even think I can get
a human woman?
Am I that--
"I'm just saying, dude.
"She's beautiful.
"She looks like a model.
"And you look like Skeletor."
What, skeletor?
(audience laughing)
At least he has a good physique.
You guys are good, came through
on the skeletor joke.
Thanks, man.
Wasn't sure, wasn't sure where I was.
(audience laughing)
So we actually have two daughters.
And when my wife was
pregnant with our second daughter,
we had to move.
We had to move out of New York City.
We had to get out get a house.
Where my homeowners?
Any homeowners here?
Round of applause, homeowners?
Yeah, round of applause if you're
a homeowner.
Come on.
You don't own a home, sir?
(audience applauding)
All right, just weren't listening?
(audience laughing)
That guy's like, yeah,
seven, actually, many homes.
But you know, it's like you're
living the American dream.
You own a home.
And then you take purchase
of the home.
And you move into the home.
And you realize, oh no, this is not
a dream.
This is a nightmare because I have
to fix it when things happen.
I didn't know.
No one told me that.
No one told me I had to maintain
the home.
We're there two weeks.
And my wife goes, hey man, I think
the garage door opener broke.
Can you take a look at it?
And I'm not kidding,
I looked behind me to see who she
was talking to, man.
(audience laughing)
You want me?
OK, and I realize
I had her on a technicality.
I was like, "well, I can take a look at it."
I went down, pressed the button.
It didn't go up.
I was like, "yeah, it is broken.
"I think I'll call the super."
She's like, no you're the super
now, buddy.
So I'm trying to watch-- like,
I've gotten better because of YouTube
University.
You can find-- you know,
yeah, this guy, yeah.
It makes you feel so much smarter,
except the people that are like--
have the confidence to make
those videos, they really know
what they're doing.
They make it look really easy,
right?
So my daughter decided she would
swing from the towel rack.
And of course, that just ripped off
the wall, just rips two giant holes
in the drywall, right?
And my wife comes in.
She's screaming.
I'm like, "what are you so
"upset about?"
She's like, I know you're going
to try to fix that.
And what do you do, man?
You look like a real man.
What do you do?
Do you know what you do?
- I'd fix it.
- You think you could do it?
- Yes.
- You got to cut it out.
You cut a little hole out, right?
And you put the piece in, it fits.
Easy enough, right?
- Just patch it.
- Just patch it up.
Simple enough, real man, right there.
There you go.
Got tools and stuff?
Yeah, all kinds of tools.
Look at you.
(audience laughing)
I'm getting turned on by that guy.
(audience laughing)
I mean, I'm attracted to a man who
can fix things.
I'm so envious of that.
You knew that when you were
a little boy?
Yeah, you learned?
Yeah, I didn't.
My dad didn't teach me any of that.
But he watched the videos.
So I watched the videos
on how to patch it.
So I put the little-- like, I cut
out a piece that fit.
I put it in.
It fell right behind the wall,
fell right down in the wall.
My piece of patch, it fell down.
And so I did it again.
And it fell down.
And it just stacked up.
Eventually, it filled the hole
and I just plastered over that.
Nice, killing it.
(audience laughing)
Oh, I'm the worst.
It's so embarrassing.
Well, you can fix anything?
What's the-- yeah, your daughter's
saying yeah, yeah.
Even your kids know.
Yes, he can.
They're so proud of you, impressed.
My daughters watch me try like, oh,
can't you call a person?
(audience laughing)
We have to go around looking at all
the stuff that you tried to fix.
Everything's uneven.
You got a lot of saws, and drills,
and stuff, sir?
Yeah, yeah.
(audience laughing)
You single?
- No.
- I think the most
embarrassing, emasculating thing--
I don't really think
about like gender, and masculinity,
and femininity.
Like, this is who I am.
It is what it is.
I'm 47.
I don't care anymore.
But sometimes, things happen.
Like, I do my own landscaping.
Impressed?
Yeah, I'm out there with the weed
whacker.
(audience laughing)
It's not hard, right?
No one told me to wear goggles,
though.
(audience laughing)
It's the most dangerous thing
in the world.
Oh, oh, my eye.
(audience laughing)
I think my eye is out.
(audience laughing)
I'm trying to figure out how to get
that really-- you get the good edge?
Do you know how to weed whack
that edge and edge it?
Yeah, your kid is saying yes.
I hate your kids.
(audience laughing)
The fact that you're out with them,
spending time, and they like you,
and they admire how good you are
at fixing things.
My daughters just make fun of me.
My neighbor
is awesome with that weed whacker.
He used to own a landscaping
company.
That's how good he is.
He gets that edge, that laser edge
around the curb.
So I was like, "hey Dave,
"can you show me how you do that?"
He's like, yeah, man, you've just
got to tilt the weed whacker
this way and do it this way.
So I do it.
He's like, nah, man.
And I'm just sitting there
with the thing.
I'm trying to get the right angle,
right?
Like this.
Dude comes up behind me,
puts his arms around me,
like it's little league
and he's teaching me in my swing.
He's like this.
He's bigger than me.
He's taller.
He's around me.
He's like, you've got to angle it
like this.
And my kids were watching.
The whole neighborhood's watching.
Guy's holding the weed whacker
around me.
Can you-- can you stop, Dave?
Can you-- I don't feel good right
now about anything in my life.
I got it.
I got-- I don't care anymore.
Eye is bleeding.
(audience laughing)
Oh, the worst.
I've gotten better, though.
I've gotten a little better.
I get a little overconfident,
though.
I decided to, a few years ago,
build my daughters a dollhouse,
right?
So I went in a hardware store.
And there's always that guy,
when you're looking around.
He comes up to you, and he just kind
of like condescends to you
because he knows that you're not
that good.
Wouldn't happen to you because you
guys can smell each other,
you alphas.
But they're just looking at me
like this, soy boy, beta.
(audience laughing)
He comes up to me.
He just messes with me.
They always say this to you--
what's your project?
So I was confident at this point.
I'm like, "oh, I'm building
"a dollhouse."
And he's like, oh,
you got little girls?
I'm like "no.
(audience laughing)
"I just like to play with my dollies."
He's like, well, what do you need?
I'm like, "yeah, where are the nails?"
He goes, how long do you need them?
I'm like, "this mother.
"For good, what do you mean?
"How long do I need them?
"Permanently, sir."
He's like, no, the length.
I'm like, "oh, oh God."
My whole body heated up.
I was just
so embarrassed and awful-feeling.
You don't know the feeling.
I know the feeling.
Oh, I just left.
I never went back to that
hardware store.
I cannot fix anything.
(audience laughing)
But it's fine.
I'll figure it out.
I'll hire someone eventually.