(suspenseful music)
- Rip up your swag.
Throw it on stage.
- Hold on now.
(rip)
(yelling)
- (maniacal laugh) - [man on stage] Please don't!
- Mother! (echo)
- Our swag, our precious swag!
- Why would they do this Rocko?
Swag didn't hurt anyone!
Swag never had a bad thought in his life.
- They didn't touch the Sun maid raisin's beach towels
did they?
- Cover Billy's eyes.
Don't let him see what happened to the
Sun maid raisin's beach towels.
- Augh no no, no!
(dramatic music)
- Don't be stupid!
- Augh! (yelling)
(whoom)
(splash)
(dramatic music)
- Billy!
- These tweens don't respect our swag and
they don't respect us.
But that's all about to change.
This swag squad is going on swag strike.
(music with a beat)
- Hey guys it's Dr. Preston.
Tween fest is absolutely buzzing with the
excitement over the arrival of Hug Bot.
- Who wants one?
Get in here.
- An artificially intelligent robot
who's been traversing the country for three months,
exchanging hugs for rides.
And this little reporter for one welcomes hug bot
with open arms.
- [protesting group] Hey hey, ho ho.
This flagrant disrespect for swag has got to go.
Hey, hey ho ho.
This flagrant disrespect for swag
- has got to go. - Guys guys guys why the hell
are you doing guys?
Come on I hired you to do joyous chants
not opinionated ones, come on!
- 20 years in the swag game and I haven't seen such
terrible treatment of swag.
- You with the swag strike Dan.
There's gotta be some changes around here.
- One, swag is not to be destroyed at tween fest.
Punishable by death.
- Two, we want the crowd to toss us swag
so we can remember them.
- Three, we've heard of the poor conditions in
the sweatshops that make our swag.
We need new sweatshops, that don't complain as much.
- Oh hold on, I have a really full plate guys.
I can't be listening to this now.
It's just swag, it's t-shirts, it's junk.
It doesn't matter, I'm sorry.
- Well I guess Tween Fest ain't gonna have toss out swag.
- And nothing will change.
You guys don't matter, I'm so sorry.
- (laughs) Oh foolish Todd.
You'll rue the day you underestimated the power of swag.
- No I won't, I won't rue that day.
- [announcer] Tween Fest are you ready to
hear some guy do voices from a cartoon that
you could just watch any time you want?
(drum cymbals)
♪ I want to kill Lois ♪
♪ I am Bryan the dog ♪
♪ Giggity Giggity Goo ♪
- Excuse me, are you Dustwold the Grosso the fourth?
- Yeah why?
- I represent 20th Century Fox.
This is a cease and assist notifying you to stop
performing your Family Guy voices effectively immediately.
- No, you can't do this.
I've been doing these voices for years.
- Stop, no Family Guy voices.
Anything else is fair game.
You're free to use all of your other talents.
(suspenseful music)
Go on Dustwold, they're waiting for you.
- [announcer] The kid Quaqmire, the sultun of Stewie,
the monster of Meg, give it up for Dusty Dill Grosso.
(peppy music)
- Hey guys, I uh ...
- Do Stewie.
(crowd cheers)
- Maybe later, right now I'm gonna do
some original characters.
Okay the first one is called
the gay British baby.
I mean, this is just an original baby.
Ewww ohhhh
I'm not Stewie, I'm a new baby.
- Do Family Guy voices.
(crowd cheers)
- [crowd] Family Guy. - Remember if you're an
interesting person, - [crowd] Family Guy.
- You can just be yourself. - [crowd] Family guy.
- [executive] Have an original thought.
- [crowd] Family Guy. - I'm gonna do it.
- [crowd] Family Guy.
(thump)
- [announcer] And now live that feeling when's
Prince Bosh.
(crowd cheers)
(music with beat)
- That feeling when, you find out it's a snow
day on a Monday.
(laughter)
That feeling when your mom drops you off
in the minivan, in front of the squad.
(laughter)
That feeling when your grandma turns of Rugrats
right when Chucky comes on.
- How many more of that feeling when comics
do we have to deal with today?
- Eleven.
- Ugh. (beep)
Hey can we get a swag squad on standby please?
- Oh don't bother, I let them go.
- You did what?
Who's gonna hand out the swag?
- I don't know, nobody? (crunch)
- Oww.
- You know who else had insufficient swag?
Altima, Woodstock '99 in Jonestown.
Swag is the glue that holds
large groups of people together, it binds them.
- Okay I just think you may be overstating the ...
- I'm not overstating the case.
You listen to me.
I need you to figure out a way to get inflatable
plastic balls of shitty plastic USB drives
in the hands of everybody here or we are going
to feel the damn consequences.
- Oh yes, I'm gonna do that.
You gotta let go of me first though.
- Oh yeah sure, sorry man.
- That's all right.
- I apologize.
- No don't worry about it.
- That feeling when your little brother
eats the last pack of Gushers.
(crowd cheers)
What else is going on in the news?
(music with a beat)
- Mom, can you pick me up?
I wanna go home.
- I would honey but Chaperone Fest is really heating up.
- Mom.
- Look I gotta go.
Mario Patelly is about to teach us how to juggle.
Aahh, bye don't call me, Aye.
(beep beep beep)
- This sucks.
(whoo)
(enlightening music)
- Mary mother of God.
The perfect vape ring.
(clang)
Hey kid, did you just vape that ring?
- Yeah so?
(whoo)
- Perfectly symmetrical.
The vape is thick but not milky.
You're lips and lungs are completely in sync.
- I'm just blowing rings.
- Blowing rings, rings are the foundation of vape tricks.
With enough training and discipline, you could be
the dopest vape tricks artist of your generation.
- How you know so much about vape tricks?
- I don't, I have to get back to work.
- Wait I've seen you in vape trick tutorials.
You're trunk master Chris.
- I don't go by that name anymore.
It's trunk master Christopher now.
- Why do you look so different?
- I mad those vape vids a long time ago.
I was 24 then, now I'm 26.
- Damn.
- All that vaping's really taken it's toll.
- Hey will you consider ...
- No.
- Training me.
- I can't.
I shouldn't have said anything.
- Wait. - You never saw me.
- Wait trunk master!
Trunk master! (poof)
- Come on!
(laughter)
- That feeling when you find out bae likes
Disney channel but you like Nickelodeon.
(crowd cheers)
- That feeling when you peace the fuck out,
thank you tween fans!
(crowd cheers)
- See they're fine.
They don't need swag, they're just enjoying
a nice restful moment between the acts.
- Oh, why isn't anyone handing me free garbage?
- What am I supposed to do with my hands now
that I don't have swag in them?
- Maybe I should stab people?
(crowd yelling)
(drums)
- We got (mumbling)
- Hurry, hurry, chop, chop.
- I got it. - Go, go, go, go.
Go, go, go, go.
(crowd yelling)
- All right it's the swag man.
Hold on guys, you're gonna love this.
This is like wild.
- They're gonna eat his ass up.
- All right, here guys got a t-shirt for ya.
(pop)
(crowd yelling)
- Come on, fire in the hole.
(pop)
(plop)
(crowd yelling)
- More pressure, stand still.
(girl scream)
- One more, swag this tween!
(boom)
- Holy shit!
- Our prototype is the most sophisticated self-driving
car on the market.
(computer beeps)
It avoids collisions, it self parks.
It can handle anything.
(boom)
(car alarm)
Except a light bop from a soft piece of carbon.
Guys, this car won't rest until it kills us all.
(beep beep beep)
(engine roar)
(car alarm)
Nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh, no, my creation, no!
Nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh, no!
(motor revving)
- Oh boy.
(ding ding)
(motor revving)
- We are moments away from hug bot arriving
at Tween Fest, completing his months long journey.
Oh look, there he is now!
- Who wants one?
Let's hug it out bitch.
(engine revving)
(ding ding)
- Oh no!
(thump)
- Ow, ah!
Ah, ah, ah, hug bot!
(beep beep beep beep)
- Tell my wife bot I felt
no pain.
(beep beep)
(mowo)
- Why would they fill it with red oil?
- Also Todd will pay the swag squad triple their
salaries and all festival attendees must attend a
four week swag respect work shop.
- Oh good Lord!
- That's all of our terms.
- Wait one last thing.
- Yeah.
- We want to marry the swag.
- You want what?
You want to m-- - Marry the swag.
- Do you agree for them to marry the swag?
- Can they do that?
- Yes it's under the standard boiler plates in
a swag march contract, a marriage class.
- Great let's do it.
There you go.
- [swag Squad] Yeah.
- How does that sound? - Incoming yeah.
Long ways, ahhh.
(kissing)
We got your own shirts now.
Oh God, ohhh no.
- She'll come back.
(music with a beat)
(squeak)