WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TONIGHT, I GOTTA START OFF TALKING ABOUT A SUBJECT I
USUALLY DON'T BRING UP IN POLITE COMPANY:
FORMER PRESIDENT LOLLACOLLUDA.
( LAUGHTER ) NATURALLY, WE ALL WANT TO FORGET
ABOUT THAT GUY.
SINCE THE DAY HE WENT OUT AND LIED ABOUT THE ELECTION ON
NOVEMBER 5th, OKAY, SINCE THAT DAY, I TRY NOT TO SAY HIS NAME.
WE DON'T SHOW HIS NAME ON AIR.
I DON'T DO MY IMPRESSION BECAUSE HAVEN'T YOU SUFFERED ENOUGH?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERING ) BUT THERE ARE JUST ARE TIMES
WHEN YOU HAVE TO SLAP YOURSELF IN THE FACE, PUT A LITTLE COLD
WATER ON THE BACK OF YOUR NECK, BEAR
DOWN ON THE BITE STICK, AND REMIND YOURSELF JUST HOW BAD IT
WAS BY REPEATING OUT LOUD THE SIMPLE FACT: "DONALD TRUMP IS A
FASCIST."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND THAT'S NOT JUST ME FLAPPING
MY GUMS, THAT'S CHAIRMAN OF THE JOINT CHIEFS MARK MILLEY, SEEN
HERE AT DEFCON EYEBROW.
( LAUGHTER ) IN A NEW BOOK, MILLEY REVEALS
THAT, FOLLOWING THE ELECTION, HE THOUGHT THE EX-PRESIDENT "WAS
STOKING UNREST, POSSIBLY IN HOPES OF AN EXCUSE TO INVOKE THE
INSURRECTION ACT AND CALL OUT THE MILITARY."
SAYING, "THIS IS A REICHSTAG MOMENT."
NO SURPRISE.
THE LAST PRESIDENT WAS PRETTY POPULAR WITH THE ALT-REICH.
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, THE REICHSTAG FIRE
WAS IN 1930S GERMANY, WHEN AN ATTACK ON THE COUNTRY'S
LEGISLATIVE BRANCH WAS USED AS A PRETEXT TO SOLIDIFY FASCIST
CONTROL.
WHAT THE MAGA CROWD DID THIS YEAR WAS TOTALLY DIFFERENT.
IT WAS IN ENGLISH.
( LAUGHTER ) MILLEY SAYS THAT HE WAS ALERTED
THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT AND HIS ALLIES WERE TRYING TO
"OVERTURN THE GOVERNMENT" BY A CALL FROM "AN OLD FRIEND."
THE FRIEND ALSO SENT A TEXT: "THE ORANGE EGGPLANT IS A KNOT-Z
CLOWN.
WE ARE IN DEEP DOO DOO."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: THEY'RE USING EMOJIS.
EMOJIS.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
NOW, THE GENERAL WAS CONFIDENT THE COUP ATTEMPT WOULD FAIL,
TELLING AIDES, "THEY MAY TRY, BUT THEY'RE NOT GOING TO (BLEEP)
SUCCEED.
YOU CAN'T DO THIS WITHOUT THE MILITARY.
YOU CAN'T DO THIS WITHOUT THE C.I.A. AND THE F.B.I.
WE'RE THE GUYS WITH GUNS."
GENERAL, THAT'S NOT AS REASSURING AS YOU THINK.
( LAUGHTER ) MAY I REMIND YOU,
THIS IS AMERICA.
WE'RE ALL THE GUYS WITH GUNS.
I DON'T OWN ANY GUNS, AND I THINK I DO.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT IT IS REFRESHING THAT OUR
COUNTRY WAS SAVED BECAUSE, FOR ONCE, THE C.I.A. DIDN'T WANT TO
DESTABILIZE A DEMOCRACY.
MILLEY DIDN'T RELAX AFTER THE JANUARY 6 INSURRECTION WAS
THWARTED.
IN THE RUN-UP TO BIDEN'S INAUGURATION, HE WANTED THE
MILITARY TO LOCK DOWN D.C., TELLING HIS TROOPS, "HERE'S THE
DEAL, GUYS: THESE GUYS ARE NAZIS, THEY'RE BOOGALOO BOYS,
THEY'RE PROUD BOYS.
THESE ARE THE SAME PEOPLE WE FOUGHT IN WORLD WAR II."
OH, COME ON.
THEY'RE INSURRECTIONISTS, BUT WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THESE GUYS
ARE NAZIS?
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
CLEARLY -- THOSE ARE ACTUAL PHOTOS.
>> Jon: THAT'S A REAL PHOTO!
>> Stephen: CLEARLY, THE FORMER PRESIDENT
DIDN'T LIKE THE TEA THAT MILLEY SPILL-Y, BECAUSE EARLIER TODAY,
HE RELEASED A STATEMENT DECLARING, "I'M NOT INTO COUPS!"
ADDING, "IF I WAS GOING TO DO A COUP, ONE OF THE LAST PEOPLE I
WOULD WANT TO DO IT WITH IS GENERAL MARK MILLEY."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OKAY, YOU'VE CLEARLY PUT SOME
THOUGHT INTO THIS THING YOU'RE NOT INTO.
(AS HUSBAND) "HONEY, COME ON, I AM NOT INTO
THREE-WAYS.
BUT IF I WAS, I WOULDN'T DO IT WITH OUR NEIGHBOR ALICE!
YOUR SISTER IS WAY HOTTER.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE FUNNY, IF
WE JUST -- OKAY.
( LAUGHTER ) THE F.B.I.'S STILL TRACKING DOWN
ALL THE BROWNSHIRTS WHO LEFT BROWN STREAKS ON THE CAPITOL ON
JANUARY 6.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S "SEDITIONIST ROUND-UP
ROUNDUP."
♪♪ >> I CAN'T FOUR-STOMACH THESE
IDIOTS!
>> Stephen: COWS HAVE FOUR STOMACHS.
( LAUGHTER ) FIRST UP, WE ALL REMEMBER THIS
GUY, PHOTOGRAPHED HANGING FROM THE SENATE BALCONY.
HE'S LIKE SPIDERMAN IF HE GOT BITTEN BY A RADIOACTIVE IDIOT.
( LAUGHTER ) TURNS OUT, HE'S IOWA RESIDENT
JOSIAH COLT, SEEN HERE PREPARING TO AUDITION FOR THE MUSKETEERS.
( LAUGHTER ) COLT APPEARED IN COURT
YESTERDAY, WHERE PROSECUTORS EXPLAINED HOW HE AND HIS BUDDIES
CAME TO D.C. STRAPPED TO THE TEETH, WITH A GLOCK .43 PISTOL,
TWO MAGAZINES OF AMMUNITION, A HANDHELD TASER STUN GUN, KNIVES,
GAS MASK, BODY ARMOR, AN EXPANDABLE BATON, WALKIE-TALKIES
AND BEAR MACE.
THEY BROUGHT BEAR MACE TO A "STOP THE STEAL" RALLY?
WHAT DID THEY THINK WAS BEING STOLEN, A PIC-A-NIC BASKET?
( LAUGHTER ) HEY, BOO-BOO!
HEY, LITTLE BUDDY!
HEY, BOO!
HEY, YOGI, HEY, YOG, LET'S STORM THE CAPITOL!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
LIKE A LOT OF THESE DINGUSES, COLT SEEMED CONFUSED ABOUT WHERE
HE WAS.
EVEN THOUGH HE WAS SPELUNKING IN THE SENATE, HE APPARENTLY
BELIEVED HE WAS IN THE HOUSE.
THE JUDGE ASKED HIM "YOU SAT IN THE PRESIDING OFFICER'S CHAIR,
WHICH YOU MISTAKENLY THOUGHT WAS SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI'S CHAIR.
IS THAT AN ACCURATE SUMMARY?" AND COLT SAID, YES.
( LAUGHTER ) SO HE HAD NO IDEA WHERE HE WAS.
FOR HIS NEXT HEIST, HE'S GOING TO BREAK INTO THE VAULT AT
JOSEPH A. BANK.
( LAUGHTER ) STEAL ONE SUIT, GET A SECOND
SUIT FREE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S A DEAL.
THEY MAKE QUALITY, QUALITY ME MENSWEAR.
A COUPLE OF DAYS BEFORE THE INSURRECTION, ONE OF COLT'S DUMB
FRIENDS POSTED THIS PHOTO OF COLT IN BED WITH A GUN, TO WHICH
COLT COMMENTED, "READY FOR ANY BATTLE" WITH THE CRYING LAUGHING
EMOJI.
WHEN THE JUDGE ASKED HIM ABOUT IT, COLT SAID "THE PICTURE
POSTED WAS ACTUALLY A JOKE.
IT WAS KIND OF LIKE A FUNNY JOKE."
AS A PROFESSIONAL IN THE BIZ WE CALL "SHOW," YOU KNOW WHAT WE
CALL SOMETHING THAT'S "KIND OF LIKE A FUNNY JOKE"?
NOT A FUNNY JOKE.
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S A BETTER JOKE FOR MR.
COLT: "KNOCK, KNOCK."
>> AUDIENCE: WHO'S THERE?
>> STEPHEN: "IT'S THE F.B.I., YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: OH!
OH!
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: NOT EVERY
INSURRECTIONIST ON JANUARY 6th WAS A LONE WOLF.
FOR SOME, IT'S IN THE GENE POOL.
LIKE THE FIVE MEMBERS OF A TEXAS FAMILY WHO WERE ARRESTED FOR THE
CAPITOL ATTACK.
EVIDENTLY, JANUARY 6TH WAS "TAKE YOUR KID TO HANG MIKE PENCE
DAY."
( LAUGHTER ) THE FAMILY WAS CAUGHT ON CAPITOL
SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS.
THERE'S THE DAD, TOM MUNN.
HIS WIFE DAWN.
AND THREE OF HIS ADULT CHILDREN: JOSH, KRISTI, AND KAYLI.
TOUGH TO GET CAUGHT LIKE THAT, BUT AT LEAST THEY HAVE THIS
YEAR'S CHRISTMAS CARD.
"TREASON'S GREETINGS!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOT BAD.
THAT'S NOT BAD.
NOT BAD.
THAT'S NOT BAD.
EARLIER THIS WEEK, I HAD THE CHANCE TO SIT DOWN WITH THE
WORLD'S NEWEST ASTRONAUT, BILLIONAIRE AND CRUISE MAGICIAN
HITTING ON YOUR WIFE, SIR RICHARD BRANSON.
THIS WEEKEND, WE ALL WATCHED BRANSON FLY TO THE EDGE OF SPACE
ON HIS VIRGIN GALACTIC ROCKET SHIP, BUT NOW THERE'S A
CONTROVERSY THREATENING TO TEAR THE WHOLE THING APART.
ON THE MORNING OF THE LAUNCH, LIVESTREAM VIEWERS SAW THIS
VIDEO OF BRANSON RIDING HIS BIKE THROUGH THE NEW MEXICO DESERT UP
TO THE SPACE PORT TO GREET HIS FELLOW CREW MEMBERS.
SO CUTE, SO WHOLESOME.
BILLIONAIRES: THEY'RE JUST LIKE MULTI-MILLIONAIRES.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT, NOT SO FAST!
BECAUSE NOW, VIRGIN GALACTIC ADMITS IT "FAKED" THE VIDEO OF
BRANSON'S PRE-LAUNCH BIKE RIDE.
( BOOING ) WHAT?
IT WAS ALL FAKE?
WHAT ELSE ARE YOU LYING ABOUT?
IS THAT ROCKET EVEN A REAL VIRGIN?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IN A STATEMENT, A VIRGIN GALACTIC SPOKESPERSON
BACKPEDALED ON CYCLEGATE: "THE FOOTAGE OF SIR RICHARD
BRANSON SHOWN DURING THE EVENT SUNDAY WAS PRE-RECORDED, AND
MISIDENTIFIED IN THE BROADCAST."
OKAY, IT WAS JUST MISIDENTIFIED.
THERE'S NO REASON ANYONE SHOULD ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT RICHARD
BRANSON ARRIVED ON BICYCLE.
RIGHT, RICHARD BRANSON IN THAT SAME LIVESTREAM?
>> SO AWESOME TO ARRIVE ON BICYCLE ACROSS THIS BEAUTIFUL
NEW MEXICO COUNTRYSIDE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: OH, SORRY I'M
LATE!
I, UH -- I JUST, UH...
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
-- JUST, JUST TOOK A QUICK SPIN AROUND THE BLOCK ON MY BIKE
WHILE WE PLAYED THAT CLIP.
ALSO, IT'S PRETTY BOLD TO LIE WHEN YOU'RE LITERALLY IN A TOWN
CALLED TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES, NEW MEXICO.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I WISH IT ENDED THERE.
BUT I HAVE PERSONALLY UNCOVERED ANOTHER SCANDAL SURROUNDING THE
VIRGIN GALACTIC SPACE LAUNCH.
YOU SEE, BRANSON WAS OUR GUEST TUESDAY NIGHT, AND HE GAVE ME A
PICTURE THAT HE SAID HE TOOK WITH HIM TO SPACE.
TAKE A LOOK.
>> I PROMISED TO TAKE THIS PERSON TO SPACE.
SO WE'RE TAKING OUT A PICTURE OF THIS PERSON UP.
WE DON'T WANT IT TO WEIGH TOO MUCH BECAUSE EVERY LITTLE BIT OF
WEIGHT COUNTS.
PUT HIM IN MY TOP POCKET.
ONE SMALL PHOTO FOR STEPHEN COLBERT, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR
MANKIND.
THIS HAS BEEN TO SPACE, AND I WOULD LIKE TO--
>> STEPHEN: THANK YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT WAS REALLY A LOVELY MOMENT
FOR ME BECAUSE IT WAS A CULMINATION OF MY CHILDHOOD
DREAMS.
OR WAS IT?
BECAUSE, JIM-- CAN YOU PUNCH IN ON THAT VIDEO BRANSON SHOWED?
THERE HE IS, CUTTING MY PHOTO OFF RIGHT UNDER THE CHIN!
FREEZE IT THERE!
NOW PUT UP THE PHOTO HE GAVE ME!
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) CLEARLY -- CLEARLY --
>> Jon: OH!
OH!
COME ON!
>> Stephen: -- CLEARLY SHOWS MY NECKTIE AND
HALF OF MY CHEST.
THAT'S NOT MY SPACE PICTURE!
TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES, SIR RICHARD.
DID THIS PICTURE GO TO SPACE?
OR AM I JUST ANOTHER BIKE RIDE TO YOU?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: AAAHHH!
AAAHHH!
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT TO FIND OUT!
I GIVE THE MAN A BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT --
EITHER I'VE BEEN LIED TO, OR THERE'S A SIMPLER EXPLANATION:
THE MAN WHO GAVE ME THAT PHOTO IS NOT THE REAL RICHARD BRANSON.
WHEN HE WENT TO SPACE, HE WAS REPLACED BY THE RICHARD BRANSON
FROM THE MIRROR UNIVERSE FROM THAT "STAR TREK" EPISODE WITH
SPOCK AND EVIL SPOCK.
THINK ABOUT IT: EVER SINCE BRANSON RETURNED FROM SPACE,
HE'S HAD THAT RIDICULOUS GOATEE.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MY GUEST IS HUGH JACKMAN.
AND LATER, A SPECIAL PERFORMANCE ON THE ROOF OF THE ED SULLIVAN
BY LORDE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"