WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW, EVERYBODY.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT IS AN EXCITING DAY-- EXCITING DAY FOR PRESIDENT PUMP, BECAUSE
HE WENT ON A FIELD TRIP TO THE MUSEUM OF AFRICAN AMERICAN
HISTORY.
HE WAS SO WORRIED STEVE BANNON WOULDN'T SIGN HIS PERMISSION
SLIP.
HE GOT TO GO.
YOU BEEN DOWN THERE?
>> Jon: I'VE BEEN DOWN THERE GLI HAVEN'T BEEN YET.
I HEARD IT'S INCREDIBLE.
NOW, TRUMP WAS ORIGINALLY SUPPOSED TO VISIT THE MUSEUM ON
MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY, BUT THAT HAD TO BE POSTPONED BECAUSE OF
SCHEDULING ISSUES.
IT'S UNDERSTANDABLE.
AS DR. KING HIMSELF SAID, "I HAVE A DREAM, UNLESS SOMETHING
ELSE COMES UP.
THEN IT CAN WAIT."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
STIRRING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I BELIEVE OBAMA CALLED THAT "THE
FIERCE URGENCY OF NOW.
OR LATER."
NOW, AT THE END OF THE TOUR, TRUMP HONORED THE BIGGEST
FIGURES IN AFRICAN AMERICAN HISTORY LIKE SOJOURNER OF TRUTH,
BOOKER T. WASHINGTON AND BEN CARSON.
>> I LOVE THIS GUY.
HE'S A GREAT GUY, REALLY A GREAT GUY.
AND HE CAN TELL YOU BETTER THAN ME, BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, WE
REALLY STARTED SOMETHING WITH BEN.
>> Stephen: YES, TRUMP REALLY STARTED SOMETHING BY HIRING BEN
CARSON.
IT IS THE BIGGEST ADVANCEMENT FOR AFRICAN AMERICANS SINCE...
ABOUT FOUR WEEKS AGO WHEN WE HAD A BLACK PRESIDENT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT SINCE THEN-- BUT SINCE
THEN-- SINCE THEN, PRETTY GOOD SINCE THEN.
AND MAKE NO MISTAKE-- AS SECRETARY OF HOUSING AND URBAN
DEVELOPMENT, BEN CARSON HAS HIS WORK CUT OUT FOR HIM.
>> HUD HAS A MEANING FAR BEYOND HOUSING.
IF PROPERLY DONE, IT'S A MEANING THAT'S AS BIG AS ANYTHING THERE
IS.
AND BEN WILL BE ABLE TO FIND THAT TRUE MEANING AND THE TRUE
MEANING OF HUD, AS ITS SECRETARY.
>> Stephen: YES.
I BELIEVE BEN CARSON WILL FIND THE TRUE MEANING OF HUD, JUST
LIKE IN THE BELOVED CHILDREN'S STORY:
"HIGHWAY THE GRINCH STOLE HOUSING."
SO GOOD.
CINDY LU WHO OPINIO ALONG WITH CARSON, TRUMP
RECOGNIZED OTHER AFRICAN AMERICANS SERVING IN GOVERNMENT.
HE HONORED THEM THE ONLY WAY HE KNOWS HOW.
>> I ALSO WANT TO THANK SENATOR TIM SCOTT FOR JOINING US TODAY,
A FRIEND OF MINE, A GREAT, GREAT SENATOR FROM SOUTH CAROLINA.
I LIKE THE STATE OF SOUTH CAROLINA.
I LIKE ALL THOSE STATES WHERE I WON BY DOUBLE, DOUBLE, DOUBLE
DIGITS, YOU KNOW, THOSE STATES.
>> Stephen: YES, HE LOVES THOSE STATES WHERE HE WON BY DOUBLE,
DOUBLE, DOUBLE DIGITS.
BUT HE SEEMS TO HATE THE COUNTRY WHERE HE LOST BY MILLIONS,
MILLIONS, MILLIONS OF VOTES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HE'S STILL PRESIDENT!
HE'S STILL PRESIDENT.
DOESN'T MEAN HE'S NOT PRESIDENT.
HE'S STILL PRESIDENT.
HE'S JUST A LOSER PRESIDENT.
NOW, THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY TOLD US TODAY HOW
THEY'RE GOING TO ENFORCE THE PRESIDENT'S EXECUTIVE ORDERS ON
IMMIGRATION, AND IT CAN'T COME SOON ENOUGH, FOLKS.
JUST LAST WEEK, HUNTERS IN TEXAS WERE WOUNDED IN A GUNFIGHT NEAR
THE BORDER, WHEN, THEY SAY IMMIGRANTS ILLEGALLY CROSSED IN
FROM MEXICO, CONVERGING ON THEIR CAMP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT,
AND TRIED TO ROB THEM.
BOTH MEN ARE RECOVERING, BUT IT'S AN UNBELIEVABLE STORY,
IN THAT YOU SHOULD NOT BELIEVE IT BECAUSE IT WAS ALL A LIE.
TURNS OUT THEY SHOT EACH OTHER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WOW.
YEAH, THEY SHOT EACH OTHER.
THEY SHOT EACH OTHER.
THE TRUTH HURTS.
NOT AS MUCH AS THOSE BULLETS, BUT STILL...
APPARENTLY, ONE OF THE GUYS, NAMED WALKER DOUGHERTY, WAS OUT
WALKING AROUND AND WHEN HE RETURNED TO CAMP HE
THOUGHT THAT ILLEGALS WERE IN THE R.V. WAITING TO KIDNAP HIS
FRIENDS.
BUT INSTEAD OF ANNOUNCING HIMSELF, HE TRIED OPENING THE
DOOR, AND THAT'S WHEN HIS FELLOW HUNTER INSIDE THE R.V.,
EDWIN ROBERTS, FIRED OFF A ROUND.
IT'S LIKE THE OLD JOKE: "KNOCK, KNOCK!"
BLAM, BLAM, BLAM!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS ) THAT'S HOW IT GOES?
KNOCK, KNOCK.
BLAM, BLAM, BLAM.
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
TO GET AWAY FROM THE GUNFIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, FROM THE BEGINNING, THE
SHERIFF SAID THAT THERE WAS NO EVIDENCE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS WERE
INVOLVED, BUT THAT DID NOT STO AGRICULTURE COMMISSIONER AND
CARTOON OF AGRICULTURE COMMISSIONER.
HE SPREAD THE STORY TO HIS 400,000 FACEBOOK FOLLOWERS
SAYING THAT AMERICA NEEDS TO BUILD THE WALL BECAUSE, QUOTE:
"THE ALIENDSWERE AMBUSHING THE R.V. THAT WALKER AND HIS WIFE,"
PERIOD.
MAN, THE IMMIGRATION PROBLEM HAS GOTTEN SO BAD, EVEN HE CAN'T
SPEAK ENGLISH.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, SPEAKING OF-- SPEAKING OF IMGRIEGZ,
LAST THURSDAY WAS SOMETHING CALLED, "A DAY WITHOUT
IMMIGRANTS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU GUYS KNOW ABOUT IT?
YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS?
I DIDN'T KNOW.
I DIDN'T REALLY KNOW ABOUT THIS.
I THOUGHT THAT'S WHAT TRUMP CALLED IT WHEN MELANIA STAYS IN
NEW YORK.
IT TURNS OUT-- BECAUSE HE MISSES HER.
BUT TURNS OUT, IT'S WHEN A LOT OF IMMIGRANTS ALL OVER THE
COUNTRY DIDN'T GO TO WORK TO PROTEST TRUMP'S BORDER POLICIES.
BUT NOW IT TURNS OUT THAT A LOT OF THOSE EMPLOYEES WHO
PARTICIPATED IN THE PROTEST GOT FIRED.
FOR INSTANCE, IN OKLAHOMA THE OWNER OF THE "I DON'T CARE BAR
AND GRILL" FIRED 12 LINE COOKS, AND SAID, "I'M ON THEIR
SIDE, BUT WE HAVE RULES AT THE 'I DON'T CARE BAR AND GRILL.'"
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY.
FAIR ENOUGH.
BUT IF THAT'S THE CASE THEY SHOULD REALLY CHANGE THE NAME TO
THE: "SELECTIVELY ANAL BAR AND
GRILL."
BY THE WAY, PLEASE, I BEG YOU, DO NOT GOOGLE
"SELECTIVELY ANAL BAR AND GRILL."
BUT COTRY THE JALAPENO POOPERS.
WHAT IS THIS, A MONTH.
WE ARE A MONTH INTO TRUMP'S PRESIDENCY.
AND FOR THOSE OF US-- ( AUDIENCE BOOING )
PACE YOURSELF.
IT'S ONLY ONE MONTH, PEOPLE.
YOU'VE GOT TO PACE YOURSELF.
FOR THOSE OF YOU KEEPING SCORE AT HOME, DONALD TRUMP HAS GONE
GOLFING SIX TIMES.
SIX TIMES IN 30 DAYS.
THAT EXPLAINS THE BUMPER STICKER ON AIR FORCE ONE:
"I'D RATHER BE GOLFING, AND THERE'S A 20% CHANCE THAT I AM."
( APPLAUSE ) NOW, WE KNOW-- GOLF.
GOLF.
GOLF CLAPS.
NOW, WE KNOW THE PRESIDENT HAS BEEN TO THE GOLF COURSE SIX
TIMES, BUT FOR SOME REASON, HIS AIDES WOULD NOT CONFIRM THAT
TRUMP PLAYED GOLF EACH TIME HE WENT TO THE GOLF COURSE.
SURE, HE COULD BE ON THE COURSE FOR ANY REASON.
WE KNOW HE LOVES MAKING FUN OF PEOPLE'S HANDICAPS!
( APPLAUSE ) THAT DESERVES A GOLF CLAP.
OOOH.
BUT I KNOW WHY THEY'RE DODGING, WHEN TRUMP WAS ON THE CAMPAIGN
TRAIL, HE SAID THIS: >> I'M GOING TO BE WORKING FOR
YOU.
I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE TIME TO GO PLAY GOLF.
>> Stephen: WELL, THEN THAT'S GOOD NEWS!
IF TRUMP HAS TIME TO BE OUT ON THE GOLF COURSE, I GUESS THAT
MEANS AMERICA IS GREAT AGAIN.