Hey there. Today we're going to be talking about your ex's five emotional stages that
they go through in getting back together with you. This is going to be incredibly important if you
want to get back together with your ex without using mind games, without playing hard to get,
without using the no-contact rule, and all that sort of stuff. You have to understand
their emotional level if this is going to work. So let's go ahead and get into this.
Hey there, it's Clay with modernlove.life. So let's go ahead and get started. These are the five
emotional stages that your ex goes through. Your ex is not just going to make some sort of just,
you know, spontaneous decision to get back together with you. It's going to happen
because they go through this process of learning to trust you, learning to trust themselves,
and learning to trust the dynamic between the two of you, and that it has a future together with
both of you in it. So you have to understand how they're moving through this whole breakup process
emotionally. And in a future video, we'll get into how to direct this whole process to unfold
in your favor. But first, we need to understand what's happening with them after a breakup
happens. There are, um, five emotional stages that happen now after the breakup initially happens.
They're probably going to end up in this middle stage, but oftentimes because of poor choices and
things that we do that push them away, like begging and pleading and things like that,
they then move down into some of the lower stages. So we're going to go ahead and get started with
the worst-case scenario here, and then we'll start moving towards better-case scenarios. But just
know that like if your breakup just happened like yesterday and you haven't done anything totally
crazy, um, they're, they're probably in that middle stage. But anyway, let's go ahead and get
into this. So the first stage that we're talking about is the wall of reactance. So what is this?
What is reactance and all of this sort of stuff? So reactance is this emotional form of resistance
that people feel when they think that someone has an ulterior motive and that they're trying
to manipulate that person or steer that person or railroad that person towards their own agenda.
You know, maybe you feel this way when you're talking to, you know,
a door-to-door salesman or a used car salesman, or perhaps somebody who's trying to get you to sign
some sort of political petition for some cause or other, or perhaps, um, you know, somebody who's,
who's, who's, uh, on the side of the road begging for spare change or something like that. You know,
I'm not trying to make any of these things wrong; you know, I understand people can be down on their
luck. I understand people sometimes do need to get political support for certain initiatives,
and I understand that people do need to sell vacuum cleaners, but some of these tactics
that they use when asking for these sorts of things can be emotionally off-putting because
we sense a deep level that that person is after their own agenda and they're not
actually interested in what you want or where you're at emotionally or things like that.
And for better or worse, if your ex is at this first stage, the wall of reactance,
that is how they are responding to you. And what does this mean? This means that
you may be experiencing them not even talking to you, giving you very terse answers, like, leave me
alone. Go away. I've made my decision or something like that. That's because they believe that every
interaction that they're having with you is cloaked and shrouded and wrapped in this hidden
agenda of trying to force them back into some sort of relationship that they don't want. What we need
to do is we need to drop the romantic pressure and create the kind of circumstance where they
can relax and open up and actually move closer to us. This might take a little bit of time if
things are at this very bad emotional place, but you definitely can do this with some consistency.
Just know that if they're this shut down, it is likely due to either a severe amount of hurt
that they've felt, you know, before, during, or after the breakup, or because of some, you know,
maybe well-intentioned, but ill-informed choices that you had made, such as heavy amounts of
begging and pleading, um, you know, begging for forgiveness, grand romantic gestures, extravagant
things and things like that, that have caused them to slowly shut down and get to this point. But by
dropping that romantic pressure and by creating an emotional connection with them, you can then
get them to move from this very closed-off place to this next stage, this second stage that we call
the test drive stage. So at this point, they are going to be interacting with you there. There's
not gonna be much of an emotional connection. They're going to be interacting with you, though.
So it is an improvement from the, uh, the wall of reactants, though it could definitely be a step
backward from the third stage, which we'll get to shortly called Riding the Dragon. So there, there,
there's still a heavy amount of reactants, a heavy amount of, of, of emotional resistance towards
interacting with you, but there is at least some small kernel of positive feeling that's causing
them to interact with you in some way. You know, the two of you may exchange very surface-level
communications about, you know, how things went at work or what you did this weekend. This is where
you might get like, Hey, how was your weekend? Oh, it was great. Thanks for asking. Um, you know, how
are you doing today? Oh, I'm wonderful, I'm okay, I'm good. You know, stuff like that. Not much
emotional depth. What's happening here is that they do feel some degree of emotional connection
with you, which is why they're talking to you. It's why they're engaging with you. But there's
still a lot of guarded kind of energy here. They're not really willing to open up and really
be vulnerable and to share it all with you because they're still concerned about where this is going,
um, what it is that you want. They still might think that you have some sort of
ulterior motive. It's not so bad that they're completely shutting you out,
but they are still very guarded. So what we want to do here is to really focus on building that
emotional connection. And we want to really focus on demonstrating vulnerability and showing them
that we do not have an ulterior motive here. We do not have an ulterior hidden agenda here because we
want to connect with them first and foremost. We want to connect with them first and let the
relationship sort itself out as we go along. This is something we've talked about many times
on this channel. Hopefully, this is not news to you. As we do this, we can start to pull them
into a deeper emotional bond with us. We can stop talking about the surface-level things, you know,
news work, um, you know, how is your weekend? Um, you know, what did you think of the new TV show
that happened the other day? Uh, what did you think of the new movie that came out? You know,
did you see the thing that happened about, about the sports team that won the whatever
or lost the whatever, you know, instead, we can go from that to having a deeper and more
meaningful emotional bond with them. And this is going to pull them from this very guarded,
very closed-off place emotionally, and it's going to pull them into our third stage.
Now, again, remember this third stage is where most people are probably going to initially find
themselves after their breakup. They're going to initially find themselves here, but then due to,
you know, poor behavior or things like that; they may push their partner back into this,
uh, this either test drive or wall of reacting stage. But this third stage is what's called
riding the dragon. Now, what's important here is that this stage really explains and, um, helps you
to understand why your ex is perhaps giving you hot and cold behavior, mixed messages. You know,
one day they're saying things like, you know, I love you. I miss you so much. We should get
back together again. The day after that, they're saying, oh, that was a mistake. Um, we should just
be friends. We're, we're, we're not compatible with one another, et cetera. And the cycle can
often go on and on, you know, sometimes hot, sometimes cold, sometimes this, sometimes that.
And you, you get kind of confused in this whole process. And many times, people will think, Hey,
they're just using me. They're just manipulating me in order to, um, string me along. Use me as
a plan B or something like that. Now I wanna make it clear that's probably not the case. Of course,
there's a lot of different types of people out there and people can have all sorts of, you know,
different motives and things like that. But most likely, your ex, your partner is just a completely
normal, average, everyday kind of person. And they're just trying to go about this confusing,
overwhelming thing of life, trying to get a little bit of happiness for themselves and
trying to figure things out and live a harmonious kind of life. That's probably what they're like.
And if they were going to manipulate you or use you or something like that,
you probably would've seen some kind of behavior, um, indicating this during your time together.
It's probably not just going to show up spontaneously. You know, if they were a good, um,
caring, compassionate sort of person when you were together, they're probably still a good, caring,
compassionate person. If they were , manipulative and Machiavellian, then, you know,
hey, uh, they, they, they, they, they might be using you right now. If they were a good decent,
open-hearted kind of person, they're probably still that way. When what does that mean? That
means that all of these confusing mixed message sorts of things are probably more coming from a
place of them being genuinely confused themselves. They don't know what they want. Why is this?
Because we're in this middle stage here, they have probably a more or less equal amount of emotional
resistance or reactance towards you, plus a more or less equal amount of positive feelings
and experiences with the two of you together. And what does that mean? That means that there's
going to be a little shift back and forth from day to day. You know, the two of you might have
a little bit of a disagreement, so the negative feelings start to grow, but then the two of you
may have a good conversation, or they might have a positive memory or something like that
comes across their awareness and now their positive feelings start to grow, and their
negative feelings start to move down. And this can start to, um, uh, you know, uh, oscillate or, or
teeter-totter back and forth. Uh, many times, in fact, it's probably been going on the entire time,
but because we're in this middle point here, you're gonna notice it a lot more because now
suddenly 51% positive feelings versus 49% negative or 51% negative versus 49% positive, it's going to
really keep them, um, waffling back and forth. Now, the important thing here is, again,
to understand that as confusing and frustrating as this is for you, it's equally confusing and
frustrating for them. They don't want to be this sort of hot mess changing their mind
all the time. They don't want to be confused. They want to be able to have some sort of clear
direction here. The good thing here is that you know, okay, yes, there are some challenges that
you're experiencing that are keeping them from being all in together with you, but you do have
a significant amount of emotional connection with them. So you're able to connect on that emotional
level. And that's good because it's causing them to perhaps feel a little bit conflicted in their
decision to break up. They're starting to open up; they're starting to think, Hey, did I make
the right choice? Maybe I made the wrong choice. Maybe there were problems in our relationship,
but maybe we could overcome them. And so they're kind of uncertain about this. And
what is really important here is that you show up with consistency, that you keep connecting
on that emotional level, that you keep nurturing the good side of this because there's the negative
emotional memory that they have of you, and then there are the positive experiences that they
have when they're interacting with you. And these sorts of things can move back and forth. So what's
important is that we continue to nurture and to grow those positive experiences, and we start
to, um, minimize and reduce and eliminate those negative experiences so that we can get them past
this point into the next stage in this process. You know, there's that old saying, you know, there
are two wolves fighting in the night or something. Uh, one of them is good, and one of them is evil.
Which one wins? What's the one that you feed, right? It's basically that whole
concept in play here but on an emotional level. And once you get past this point,
they're no longer going to have this hot and cold kind of behavior anymore. They're going
to be very clear that they like spending time with you. But there are still a lot of challenges
to be had at this next stage because as we get into this next stage, the fourth stage in this
process is called the Crisis point. They're faced with this fundamental crisis. You know,
up until now, up until this point, up through all these earlier stages interacting with you has had
some emotion to it, but it's really just been this sort of hypothetical sort of thing, you know, like
what would it be like if we talked? What would it be like if we, you know, got together for coffee?
What would it be like if we, um, you know, uh, talked about our day? What would it be
like if I just told them everything that I felt? What would it be like if we, you know,
did this or that or whatever? There are no strings attached to it. There's no commitment;
there's no follow-through to it. It's just mere curiosity or speculation. But because at this
fourth stage, the positive feelings have grown so much and the negative resistance or reactance
has been shrunk down so much, they start to get into this kind of confused state where they stop
seeing this as a hypothetical thing, and they're starting to say, okay, I have real feelings for
you now getting together and spending time with you. It's not just about, well, I don't know,
what would it be like if we were, you know, talking again, and now it's like, oh wow,
I actually think I do have feelings for you. I think I kind of love you, but I'm kind of
scared to take that next step because of what it means. What does it mean? Does it mean that
maybe I need to end a rebound relationship? That could be messy, that could be confusing,
that could be difficult. And what happens if I end that relationship and I get back together with
you and it doesn't work? I'm gonna look silly. I'm gonna look like a hot mess. Or what if they
already told everyone that they know that we're not together anymore. We broke up cuz of this
thing that happened, and now all their friends and family don't like you anymore. They're gonna have
to go back to those people and say, yeah, , hey, remember how I said that so-and-so was not so
great? Well, guess what we're I I changed my mind. They're, they're great again, and we see each
other, and we're back together again. They're gonna have to go up against all of that, uh,
stigma, all of that, uh, potential judgment, all of that challenge. And, of course, there are
endless other possible reasons why someone might be a little bit afraid to take that final leap to
bring the two of you together. But this is a very precarious place, nonetheless, the crisis point.
Because even though they know they have positive feelings for you, they're considering making this
step to bring the two of you closer together. They're considering ending the rebound. They're
considering telling their friends and family that you see each other again; they're considering,
you know, doing whatever it might be, moving back from whatever place they move to or whatever,
I don't know. But they're afraid; they're deathly afraid that this could be a bad choice for them.
They're deathly afraid that maybe they create that path for the two of you to
get back together again, but they just fall flat on their face because maybe you don't wanna be
together with them. Maybe the problems that plagued your relationship in the first place,
they're still there or anything else. What are they gonna do? They're gonna look for an out;
they're going to look for a reason why they don't have to make the hard,
uncomfortable choice. They're gonna start to say things like, you know, eh, you probably deserve
better than me. You could get anyone else you want here. You know, uh, you deserve so much better;
I hurt you so much. You deserve someone that's gonna love you authentically and genuinely;
you should just move on. Even though we have a lot in common, I'm toxic. Our
relationship is toxic, or something like that. And this is just them looking for an out. This
is just them testing to see if you are going to say, yeah, you're right. I could be with someone
else better than you. I think I'm gonna go and meet that person right now. Or, you're right; we
are toxic. I think it makes sense for us not to be together. You know, you're right. Uh, you really
did hurt me a lot. I don't think I can ever get over it because if you were to say something like
that, what does it mean? It means that they can take the pressure off of themselves and say, whew,
thank goodness I didn't make that hard choice. Thank goodness I didn't follow my heart and do
what I wanted to do because, look, this person wasn't serious about me. That's why at the crisis
point, you can get away with doing a lot of the things that you probably have experienced that you
shouldn't do at earlier stages in this process, you know, you can tell them that you love them,
you can tell 'em that you care about them. You can tell them that you're committed to them.
You can tell 'em that you're there for them, all that sort of stuff. You can get away with doing
this because you have the emotional connection because you understand that their discouragement,
within the context of having a good emotional connection, their discouragement
is coming from a place of they are just trying to find out if they make this big move,
that it's going to work out for them. That's what they're looking for. And so if you can provide
that, you're going to show them that they can take that step forward and get to this fifth and final
stage here. You're going to perhaps sometimes need to apply some positive pressure to make
them make this choice. But you'll then, on the other side of that, get to the fifth stage here.
What is the fifth stage of the fifth stage? It's called new beginnings. And at this new
beginning stage, they have probably the highest level of positive emotion for you and probably the
lowest level of resistance or reactance towards you. Here. Things are very good here. The two
of you are basically together in a relationship. Again, here, the two of you are connecting really
well. Again, here, there are no clear obstacles that are standing between the two of you. Yeah,
there could be some, you know, doubt, some concerns, some. Well, I don't know,
like, what are we gonna do? How, how do I know it's not gonna be like it was before?
But it's gonna be pretty clear and pretty smooth. And basically, at this point in time,
all you have to do is have a conversation with them about getting back together again.
All you have to do is have a talk with them. Now, I would recommend that you do have this
talk with them because I don't want you to just assume you're in a relationship when maybe you
aren't. That's how a lot of really unfortunate things happen. So have the talk with them,
but you're going to have to know how to get here and how to get to this point. And, of course,
it all boils down to creating a strong emotional connection. If you wanna learn how to do that,
check out this video right here, where I show you exactly how to create this
emotional connection with them. How to go through the process of building the bond, the connection,
and trust. Go ahead and check it out right over here, and I'll see you over there in that video.