Alright, Haunted Duplex
Alright, Haunted Duplex Part Three
Alright, Haunted Duplex Part Three Now...
Alright, Haunted Duplex Part Three Now... It's Personal!
"Uh, I don't know about this one.."
"But first one was good, but the second one was kinda crappy.."
Alright, so let's recap
Four dummies in the dining room
Bastardizing an Ouija board
We hear a growl come from the hallway
*Rrrerherhlrer*
"Uhm.. Gesundheit, bless you!"
Some ghost keeps whispering shit to me
Like we're in a movie theater
"Hey, stop hogging all the jujubes, you dick!"
And then Brewer tried to fight a ghost for trying to steal all our Christmas presents
Okay, cool, got it!
[Incident number three]
[Incident number three] Dream Ghosts!
Okay, it's nighttime. Me and the rehab version of Linsay Lohan are sleeping
Now, I'm knocked out, I've probably been sleeping for a couple hours at this point
I start having these very peculiar, very realistic dreams
Queue the dream sequence!
*Dream Sequence*
Woooohohohohhh, look at that animation!
Look out, Pixar studios, I'm coming for you!
Now, in this dream I'm standing in the middle of my room
And I look over, and I can see myself laying there sleeping
"Oh my God, I'm dreaming right now!"
"Look at me! God damn it, I'm a handsome man!"
Then I look over the corner of my room
And there's goddamn Captain Howdy himself!
Mr.BlackShadow
Goddamn thing is practically a roommate at this point, I see it every goddamn week
So there it is, just hanging out, just loitering in the corner of my bedroom
Now, as soon as I see this thing, I start to panic
Like hardcore panic
Like somebody's trying to barge in the bathroom while you're taking a poop type of panic
I've literally never been this scared of anything in my life
It's a goddamn black cloud, for Christ's sake!
I could suck that thing up with the vaccum, all Ghostbusters-like, no big deal
But staring at this thing, for whatever reason, is about to give me an anxiety attack
I'm trying to scream!
But since I'm so scared, it's coming out like: "Bwaaaa, bwwwwaawwww"
I sould like befuddled Hank Hill: "BWAAAAH! God damn it, Bobby.."
It's not a bad Hank Hill, alright? It's passable!
And I'm not just screaming in my dream, I'm doing it in real life
My ex-girlfriend wakes up, she's thinking I'm being possessed by the Devil
"AH, NO, WAKE UP, DAMN IT!"
She's, like, UFC-punching me in the head
For, like, fifteen seconds I can't wake up
It's full-on sleep paralysis
And I can't take my eyes off of Pazuzu the demon over there
Making me feel like a little wussy girl in a little wussy pink dress
Then finally, I snap out of it
"AH, PISS!"
"What am I, having night terrors now?"
"I'm not a goddamn Vietnam War veteran"
"I shouldn't be yelling in my sleep, like there's Charlie in the trees"
I'm trying to explain myself, that this damn ghost was inside my head!
I need to file a goddamn paranormal restraining order against it
Now, this whole thing would happen a few more times
I'm dreaming that I'm in my house, black shadow's in the corner of the room
Hank Hill screams: "BWOAAA"
But there's one night in particular, that stands out among the rest
[Incident number 4]
[Incident number 4] Get Outta My Dreams..
[Incident number 4] Get Outta My Dreams.. And..
[Incident number 4] Get Outta My Dreams.. And.. Into..
[Incident number 4] Get Outta My Dreams.. And.. Into.. My Duplex
*Singing in high-pitched voice* Get outtaaaa my dreeeeams and into my du-plex!
Now, this right here, hands down, is the most scared I've ever been in my entire life
Alright, it's the middle of the night, like always
Coudn't have happened during the daytime where it's nice and light out, and safe
No, it's dark time
Everybody's sleeping in the house, including myself
All of a sudden, I'm standing in my room again, watching myself sleep
"Oh, crap. Here we go again"
Guess what? I look in the corner no pervert shadow standing there
What a relief!
"Okay, maybe this is gonna be a good dream"
"Seems like I don't have any of those anymore"
"It's either a demon ghost trying to eat my soul, or.."
"Harry and Marv are trying to break into my house"
So in this dream, I walk out into the dining room
And I can see out into the living room and the lights are on
"Alright, maybe everything's gonna be alright after all"
"Nope, I don't think so" The light flickers our in the living room
"Oh, crap! There's that damn black shadow, it's coming right for me!"
"Time to panic!"
"Oh! Oh, God! Oh my God!"
The only thing I can think to do is try to turn on the dining room light
My actual arm is up in the air
I'm in bed, pantomiming, turning on the dining room light
In my dream this thing's getting bigger and bigger, it's morphing
Where's the goddamn Megazord when you need it?!
"Oh, piss. OH, PISS! AAAAAAAAHHHHHH"
"HA!"
"What the hell was that all about?!"
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine, I'm fine.. Holy shit!"
And right at this point is when things got a little too real
Because it was right at this point we heard footsteps
Walking in the dining room, back out into the living room
Both of us heard it, as clear as day
They were footsteps, that sounded, like they had claws on 'em or some shit
Like a goddamn giant Doberman walking on two feet, that's what it sounded like
*Clap-clap-clap-clap*
If it was Poop City in my pants before, this must've been Poop Universe
I get my phone out again
"Hello?"
"Dude! If you wanna have a rematch for our Christmas presents.."
"I'm pretty sure that thing is in the living room, and I'm pretty sure it'll beat your ass silly!"
I couldn't turn enough lights on in my room
I got my head pressed to the door, like I'm Anne Frank
Now, this was the last paranormal occurrence that's ever happened to me
We moved out of that duplex shortly after that
We took that Ouija board and we sent it with Brewer's girlfriend, let her deal with all the demons
*Demons growling*
Now, all that was seven years ago
And if you don't believe any of this, I really can't blame you
If I was the one watching this craphole of an animation, I probably wouldn't believe it either
"Ah, Brewstew, that really didn't happen, you're smoking crack!"
No, I wasn't smoking crack! I couldn't even afford it back then, alright?
I was living on a budget, a very strict budget!
Like I said, believe it or don't
Was it a ghost
Was it a demon
Was I smoking crack, I don't know
Sorry that this wasn't like the end of a Scooby-Doo episode
"Ah, it was Mr.Jenkins the whole time!"
"And I would've gotten away with it too.."
"If it wasn't for you and your stupid furry puking dog!"
But I do want you to take a few things away from this little stupid mini series
Number one: Ouija boards are bad news!
Play Boggle, or some other shit, okay? It's far more rewarding
Number two:
If you hear a noise in the middle of night, it's probably the Devil, don't second guess yourself!
And finally, number three, the most important:
Get your drunk-ass friend some Taco Bell if he's hungry!
Whole goddamn situation could've been avoided
If we would've got Cody his goddamn Cheesy Gordita Crunch
"Chalupa!"
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