-Science is actually pretty cool.
-No, it's not, Gretchen!
You've ruined your own summer, don't ruin ours.
-Okay, well, I had scarlet fever.
♪♪
-We now return to "Bikini Beach Party"
starring Simon Kneebone and Lynn Lynette.
-Hey, Gadget, why so sad?
Haven't caught any big ones?
-It's not that, it's just, I'm going back to Chicago tomorrow
and I haven't kissed anyone.
-Well, it's funny you should say that,
I wanted to talk to you tonight.
-Really? Tonight.?
Just you and me? -Of course, silly.
Meet me up to the bonfire by the dead whale.
-What? -You know, the big dead whale
that's been on the beach for weeks filling up with gases.
-Maybe we should meet somewhere else?
-Oh, don't be silly, stupid!
Whoa! Wipeout!
[ Splash ]
-♪ Bikini Beach Party ♪
♪ Return to Bikini Beach Party ♪
♪ Bikini Beach Party, yeah! ♪
♪♪
-All, right! I love surf music!
-Yeah! It's just kind of nothing!
-Hey, girls! -Oh, hey, Gadget.
-So, Gadget, do you have a date for the big bonfire tonight?
-Oh, I'm not going to the bonfire.
Darren asked me to meet her by the big dead whale.
-The dead whale?
The one that's been on the beach for weeks,
expanding with gas?
-Yeah!
It's so romantic!
-Darren's so dreamy.
He's the only 22 year old that will even talk to us.
13 year olds!
-Hey, guys? Um...
Is it okay if we, like, stop dancing while we talk?
'Cause it is so hard to do both, you know?
-[ Laughs ] Shut up, Gretchen.
-Wait, how did the dead whale get full of gas anyway?
-Well, when whales decompose,
their bodies fill up with highly combustible methane gas.
Science is actually pretty cool!
-No, it's not, Gretchen!
You've ruined your own summer, don't ruin ours.
-Okay, well, I had scarlet fever.
♪♪
-♪ Bikini Beach Party, yeah! ♪
♪♪
-Oh! Hey, Gadget, I-I didn't think you'd come.
-It's so stinky over here, Darren.
-Oh, that's because of the dead whale,
it's filled with gas.
-I heard -- methane gas.
-Wow! You're smart and cute.
...and 13.
-Oh, Darren. -I, uh, brought my ukulele.
You mind if I sing you a song before we kiss?
-Okay, but a short one --
it smells very bad here.
♪♪
-♪ There's no thing like loving a girl ♪
♪ Like you ♪
♪ When you're around, there's nothing I wouldn't do ♪
♪ Don't even try to hide -- ♪
[ Explosion ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Oh, my God! -I'm blind with whale guts!
-Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Oh, I've been waiting all day for this puppy to pop!
I'm going to eat for a month!
-Darren, let's get out of here!
-Hey, that's a good idea, Gadget.
Why don't we take cover over by that other dead whale?
♪♪
♪ There is no such thing as loving a girl like you ♪
♪ When I see your face, I think she can be real ♪
[ Explosion ]
[ Gadget shudders ]
-Darren?! Darren!
Ugh! I guess I'll never get that kiss!
-Well, that's just the way it goes, at...
[ Music starts ] ♪ Bikini Beach Party ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, Bikini Beach Party ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, all that ambergris ♪
♪ Is I -- ♪ Aah!
-♪ Bikini Beach Party, yeah! ♪
[ Cheering and applause ]
-Do you suffer from feelings of anxiety?
Are you worried that you'll never be good enough,
that you'll never measure up?
Then this summer you must have been invited
to a beautiful gay wedding?
-I'm getting invited to so many gay weddings.
They're all going to be so perfect
and that stresses me out.
-Well, don't worry, because now there's new
Xanax for Gay Summer Weddings,
the only antianxiety medication
that relieves the stress of attending a bunch of
spectacular gay summer weddings.
-I used to be worried
that I wouldn't have the right thing to wear.
But now I can enjoy everyone's immaculate pastel suits
and forget the fact that I don't even own an iron.
-Usually at weddings, I'm the best dancer there,
but at gay summer weddings
everyone knows a choreographed dance
to a Beyonce song that hasn't even been released yet.
I can't stick up to that!
That's why I use Xanax for Gay Summer Weddings,
-Because your gay friends have it all figured out
and you don't.
-At my wedding we gave guests Cheez-Its
and a mini bottle of water.
Keith and William gave us two tickets to Italy
and $40,000.
-Plus, everything on their registry
needs to be shipped from France.
So I have to wait until no one's looking to put my gift down.
-Barack Obama called to give them
his personal congratulations.
At my wedding, my grandmother called Obama
the N-word in her toast.
-So this summer, don't be overwhelmed
by the most flawlessly executed wedding
you've ever seen, with Xanax for Gay Summer Weddings.
Not necessary for lesbian summer weddings.
-Yeah, I do. -Yeah, me too.
♪♪
[ Barking ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
-What was the best summer of my life?
That would have to be the summer of Diane.
♪♪
Diane...
Everyone noticed, Diane --
how couldn't you?
She was so alive.
Fate brought us together,
and from the first moment it was electric.
We had so much in common.
As soon as Diane entered my life,
I knew that I had to take care of her.
I showered her with gifts, but...
Diane was not for sale.
♪♪
Oh, God, she could dance!
She taught me how precious life was because that was the summer
that I almost lost her.
-[ Choking ]
-Oh, Diane.
I'll never forget her last words to me.
-Let's make [bleep]. I gotta pee.
[ Laughter ]
-Is that yours?
♪♪
-Things were never the same after that.
Too much happened.
I couldn't be the man Diane deserved.
Even now, years later, I think of that summer and...
-You jackass.
-No, Diannnne!
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Audiences are buzzing about "Fire Island,"
a new reality show on Logo
about six sexy gay guys sharing a beach house,
-Cocktails, sunshine, boys.
-It's the gay Disneyland, y'all.
-And if you like, separating types of people into shows,
you'll love Logo's other new reality show,
"Cherry Grove,"
about a group of affluent lesbians
one beach away.
[ Babies crying ]
-Hey, Beth, did you pack my water socks?
Beth?
-Spend a weekend with these sexy studs...
-21 and the crazy little one.
-...and these women.
-I'm 38, and I'm the dairy-intolerant one.
-Get ready for the insane parties...
-This weekend I'm ready for anything.
-♪ Wa-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah ♪
-[ Stifles sob ]
-♪ Let's go down to the water's edge ♪
-If you think "Fire Island" is nonstop sex,
wait till you see what passes for a bang fest
in "Cherry Grove."
The boys may love drama...
-Are you [bleep] kidding me?
-I'm not gonna entertain this bull[bleep] anymore.
-...but watch these ladies lose it.
-Hey, hey, hey. [ Camera shutter clicks ]
I thought we said no screens.
-Your rules, Puck.
-I just think if we both agree on something --
-And we do agree, Puck.
But when you hammer and you hammer,
it's hard to be in love with you.
-I'm starting to feel like I'm hammering.
-So get ready for the raunchiest...
-Shh, shh, shh, shh.
-...craziest... [ Cheering ]
-That's a wolf sanctuary, all right.
-Excuse me, sir, can you please lower your jazz?
There are five miracles of home water birth
asleep in this house.
-Do they realize it's almost 9:00 p.m.?
-"Cherry Grove," coming soon on Logo.
Yasss, queen. Work, queen. Yasss.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-♪ Swim in the water and jump from the tree ♪
♪ That's what you do at Caaaamp Wicawabe! ♪
-Hey, guys, thanks for skipping tonight's campfire
and instead coming to our weekly roundup.
-I'm Cambria, and this is Piper.
-Or as I heard our counselors call us,
two loud little turds.
-Yeah, um, we're in the Cherokee bunk this summer
because we are 10, and so far it's been great.
-The only thing that sucks is
we keep getting in trouble for no reason.
-Yeah, I got yelled at just for stealing a knife
and carving "ass butt" into a tree.
-And every time you get reprimanded,
you have to go to bed 15 minutes earlier.
Yesterday our bedtime was 2:15.
-Yeah, it was full bright out. It sucked.
Um, well, now it's time for our first segment --
arts and crafts.
-[ Plays notes ] Awts and cwafts.
[ Laughter ]
-Um, that's Joseph, and he's only 6.
And he really -- he still wears a diaper.
-I know. This week in arts and crafts,
we put googly eyes on pine cones.
-Yeah, I mean, I got to say,
when the activity was first described to me,
I was not into it. -Mnh-mnh.
-And then I got that first [laughing] eyeball on there,
and I was laughing and having a blast.
[ Laughter ]
-Ahhh! -Ahhh!
-Okay, guys, we're having a very special lunch tomorrow.
Here to tell you what it is
is the head of the cafeteria, Luanne Buckman.
Take it away, Luanne.
-Hamburgers!
-Thank you, Luanne.
-Um, Luanne -- she has a car here,
and we don't know where she goes at night.
-But last year she kissed a camper,
so this year she's not allowed to sleep at the camp.
[ Laughter ]
-Okay, now it's time for this week's guest.
He's my older cousin.
-And he's 14,
and he is the coolest prankster in all of camp.
-Yeah, please welcome Jeremy.
-[ Plays notes ]
Pwease welcome Jemy.
[ Laughter ]
-'Sup, Cambria? Little one.
-[ Giggles ] Hey.
-Sorry if I look cooler than normal.
I just tried my first cigarette.
It didn't affect me at all, and I ate the whole thing.
-Wow! -Dang. Um, so, Jeremy,
tell us about some of the wild pranks
that you've done recently.
-Okay. Well, you know that big tree?
-Yes. -Yeah.
-Yesterday I put my butt on it.
-Oh, so great. That's so cool. -Very cool.
-Yeah. And last night I snuck out of my bunk
and put my thing through the tennis court net.
-Whoa! -Whoa!
What thing?
[ Laughter ]
-Then today, I put a pube on the tetherball.
It was a pretty big deal 'cause it was my only one.
-Wow. I gotta say,
you're working with a lot of stuff
I've never even heard of.
-Okay, now's a part of the show called
"No Moms, No Dads."
-[ Plays notes ] "No Moms, No Dads."
-Um, this is where we brag about things that we've done
'cause there's no moms and no dads here.
[ Clears throat ]
I haven't eaten a single piece of fruit,
and no one's keeping track, so I'm not gonna do it.
[ Laughter ]
-I swallowed a bee.
it flew into my Snapple and died,
and I drank it 'cause I'm bad to the bone.
-Last week, we found a condom in our bunk,
and all 10 of us tried it on.
[ Laughter ]
[ Girls laughing ]
Yeah.
It didn't fit anybody, but it was fun.
-Oh, wow!
-I'm trying to enjoy these stories,
but I don't have context for any of them.
-Yeah, okay, now let's take a moment to remember the campers
who've had to go home early this year.
-[ Plays notes ] Campers who had to leave early.
-Tiffany Waller-Wostein.
She can't poop anywhere but her own house,
so her parents had to pick her up because she was full.
[ Laughter ]
-Bobby Vance.
He killed a frog,
and the counselors found out it was on purpose
because he really ripped it up
and scattered it all around the camp.
He left in a police van.
-Britney Jalot.
She got her period on a horse and freaked out.
-Well, okay, that's all the time we have,
'cause I got to go to the waterfront
and show Piper how to lift a big rock.
-I put my butt on that rock.
-Oh, so cool. -Oh, so cool.
-Right? -Bye!
-Bye! -Bye!
[ Cheers and applause ]