This is crazy.
I'm feeling crazy.
I recently found out I have scoliosis.
That's why I walk like I'm listening
to a really cool song.
[cheering]
Oh, scoliosis over there?
Very cool.
[laughter] See what I'm saying?
Nobody cares.
[laughter]
No, scoliosis is like messed up.
I'm tired of having illnesses so mid they're just fun facts.
It's like you go to the hospital.
They're like, yeah, your back's messed up.
That's why it hurts so bad.
We can't fix it.
Give us $75.
It's messed up.
I feel like if the hospital can't fix it,
we shouldn't call it an illness.
Like if I got to do Reiki to fix it, that shit is a curse.
[laughter] It's insane.
I also got far too high before this.
[laughter]
[cheering]
Now, it feels like Shark Tank to me.
It's-- [laughter] kind of a lot.
You guys smoke weed, though.
Right?
[cheering] Y'all do ketamine?
Yeah.
I love ketamine, because it's one of those things where
it's like, OK, if I watch Family Guy after, this is drug abuse.
Right?
But if I journal after, I can call it a treatment.
[laughter] And that's epic.
I feel like I've been thinking about my mental health more,
which is cool.
Like I feel like every cultured woman
has been to the psych ward like once.
Right?
For like two weeks, nothing crazy.
Me, personally, I was admitted in the classical way.
You know, like against my will.
[laughter]
And it's wild, because when I got there,
I was like, you guys got it wrong.
I'm not like those people.
I don't belong here.
And then they took me back to the unit
and introduced me to a bunch of bitches I already knew.
[laughter]
I tried to flip it like I just fuck with crazy people
because I'm inclusive.
[laughter] It's messed up.
My parents came to visit me in the mental hospital
and cried, because I was popular.
[laughter]
Like Loki the Princess Diana of that place.
It was-- wild.
A lot of people tell me I have a resting bitch
face, which sucks, because I'm like way more complex
than that.
Like I also have resting bitch thoughts and beliefs.
[laughter]
There's like levels to this shit.
Like I hate seeing grown adults with their mouth blue
from something they ate.
[laughter]
It's like why are you eating Jolly Ranchers
at 1:00 PM on a weekday?
Like do you not have a job?
You ever see someone, and you're like,
oh, I know you got to keep your phone in an Otter Box.
[laughter]
That's how I feel about adults with blue mouth.
That's how I know I'm a hater.
It's like, damn, how I'm mad at somebody
for enjoying a tasty treat?
It's wild.
A little bit about me, I'm from Maryland,
but I never went outside.
So it doesn't really matter.
[laughter]
I tell people I'm a lesbian, just because that's
easier than saying I'm into women and DJs who don't speak.
You know?
[laughter]
And I was raised Catholic, but I feel like if God was real,
white people wouldn't have access to ukuleles.
[laughter]
That's just where I'm at with it.
I tried listening to heavy metal for the first time
the other day.
Immediately turned it off.
You will not yell at me in my own home.
[laughter]
It's wild.
My dad's also gay, which is very Gen Z of me.
I know.
And it's crazy, because my parents got divorced
when I was pretty young, but my dad didn't come out
till I was like 18.
And when he did it was completely unnecessary.
[laughter]
Because my dad's been doing gay shit my entire life,
like waking me up to take me shopping and then
trying to make me wear a studded leather jacket.
[laughter]
It's wild.
He also makes his own kombucha in his closet.
[laughter] And calls me uncultured for not drinking it.
Also like when he grills, everything got pineapple in it
for some reason.
It's like why is my hot dog sweet?
Why are we-- why are we doing that?
That's why I refuse to tell him I'm also gay.
Like I don't want him knowing we have things in common.
I also enjoy being homophobic to him on occasion.
[laughter]
I'm part of the dead mom club.
My mom's dead.
Yeah, and it's like messed up, because after her funeral,
we all went to hibachi, which is not what you're supposed to do.
That's a festive-ass meal.
[laughter]
I was catching shrimp in my mouth with tears in my eyes.
[laughter]
Which is like objectively comical,
but Black people love hibachi.
Like we'll use any occasion as an excuse to go to hibachi.
Like the last time I went to hibachi
was for the dog's birthday.
I was like, she can't even come, guys, can't even come.
Damn.
My mom also died like on Halloween day.
People think that's why I don't really celebrate that holiday,
and I'm like, no, I don't celebrate Halloween,
because one year, I dressed up as Hannah Montana.
Everybody thought I was RuPaul.
[laughter]
Then, the year after that, I dressed up as Steve Jobs.
Everybody thought I was just Rick Ross in a turtleneck.
[laughter]
That's why.
Yeah.
I love New York.
I've lived in New York for like two years.
Woo.
Yeah.
Cool.
I used to live in Chicago, and one thing I
love about living in both cities--
OK, you guys like that too.
[laughter] Nice.
Yeah.
One thing I love about living in both cities
is that none of my white friends can take me hiking.
Why people love hiking, I don't get it.
Oh my God, Asha, you know what would be so fun?
Let's go walk up a hill.
Oh my God, Asha, why are you breathing so heavy?
Oh my God, Asha, why are you throwing up?
Oh my God, Asha, where's your pulse?
Here, have a Clif Bar.
[laughter] It's messed up.
I was in Chicago for college.
I went to an art school, and that was interesting.
It's like an art school in the Midwest,
so there's a lot of white people.
That was interesting, because there's
a lot of cultural differences.
For example, like I'm really into R&B.
All my friends were really into cocaine.
That's why.
White people love cocaine.
Yeah, and it's like at this point--
OK, clap for cocaine, I guess.
[laughter]
No.
It's like at this point, I don't know what's worse.
Let's go hiking at 6:00 AM white people
or let's do coke on a Tuesday white people.
I found that both kinds will try to grab a snake
without the proper supervision.
It's like a lot to me.
That's a lot.
I feel like Black people should do more cocaine.
Right?
Cocaine is not bad.
Right?
White people just use those drugs for evil.
I live alone now, which is cool, because I used to live
with three other people.
I live with one guy, two other girls,
which is like far too much.
And I recently found out that the guy had been fucking
the two other girls, and he has a girlfriend,
and she's pregnant.
Oh.
My life is like Degrassi.
[laughter]
I had to be like, OK, guys, new rule,
no more crying in the common areas.
I'm starting to feel like a tertiary character.
It's too much.
I was about to start dating someone
so old people worried about me, just
so I could have a B plot in my own life.
It's messed up, but it's cool.
I love living alone, especially because I
like hate going over to other people's houses,
especially like straight guys' houses.
Like the last time I went over to a straight guy's house,
I had to drink water out of a magic bullet.
[laughter]
Then, after all that water, had to pee.
So I go to the bathroom.
It's only one square of one-ply toilet paper left.
I'm like trying to do the math.
Guys, it dissolved in my pussy like a Listerine strip.
[laughter]
I was like, what happened to matter cannot be destroyed?
[laughter]
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