Let's talk about water.
It's the thing you hope you just sat in on the subway.
According to doctors, we're supposed to drink
water basically every day.
And in America, most of us do that with the help of these.
The number one packaged drink in the United States
isn't Coke or Gatorade, or even Haterade.
It's bottled water.
We Americans buy 50 billion disposable water
bottles a year.
And I know what you're thinking, oh, shit,
another depressing environment story.
So can I not even drink water without ruining
my children's future?
But that's the thing.
This is one environment story that actually has a really
easy solution, and I'm going to tell
you what it is in another installment
of "Long Story Short."
[cheering, applause]
For most of human history, people got
by fine without bottled water.
People got water from their well or the local stream
or by throwing a virgin into a volcano so it would rain.
It was a perfect system.
But water bottles started to become popular in the '80s,
mainly for health reasons.
In 1986, the EPA warned Americans
that their tap water might be turning
them into number 2 pencils.
This might sound familiar to you
if you grew up in the '80s, or in Jackson, Mississippi
last week.
And then, marketers smelled money.
And soon, bottled water wasn't just about health but
a whole healthy, sexual lifestyle.
[music playing]
NARRATOR: Keep your body at its peak.
Drink Avian.
Pure Avian spring water from the French Alps.
It's refreshing, it's natural,
and it doesn't have one single calorie.
NARRATOR: Imported Perrier.
It goes with good food.
It's what I drink instead of a cocktail.
"It's what I drink instead of a cocktail."
Sure, but you can just say you've got DUIs, all right?
We've all got DUIs.
Look, props to these water companies.
They turned water into something
sexy, as opposed to something you just need to survive.
These ads were basically like--
[music playing]
Oxygen-- it really helps me lay pipe.
[laughter]
So fast-forward to today.
[laughter]
Thank you.
Great performance.
[applause]
So fast-forward to today, and the average
American drinks upwards to 167 bottles a year--
usually right before a long haul flight,
when I'm in the aisle seat.
Hey, just be an adult and wear a diaper like the rest of us.
Now, you might be asking, where does all that water come from?
The ocean? No.
I tried that once.
I got so sick.
In reality, in order to get bottled water to the masses,
water companies like Nestle often
suck up water from public lands for little to no cost.
Isn't that awesome?
Right?
We love it when multinational conglomerates find success.
The problem is this creates a massive environmental impact.
When these companies are called out for it,
they come up with explanations like this.
REPORTER: Nelson Switzer is Nestle Waters'
chief sustainability officer.
Some people would say this is the people's water.
Is it fair that you guys make so much money off of it?
Nestle has water rights, of course, in this area.
From a legal standpoint, of course it's fair.
From a perception standpoint, I understand why people
are asking that question.
But water belongs to no one.
Oh, really?
Really, Nestle?
Water belongs to no one?
That's the dumbest thing anyone has ever said about water.
And keep in mind, Gwyneth Paltrow
once said that you can hurt water's
feelings by yelling at it.
If water really belongs to no one,
then why can't I go swimming in my neighbor Eric's koi pond?
Why did it scare his kids, per the police report?
[cheering, applause]
But sucking up all the freshwater
is just the beginning of our problems.
Making the bottles and shipping them to you
uses 17 million barrels of oil a year.
That's enough oil to fill 1 million
cars for a whole year or grease up Don, Jr., for one weekend.
Plus, most bottles just get thrown in the trash.
Oh, but I recycle it.
OK, thanks for putting it in the green bin before they
send it to Malaysia where they put it in the trash there.
And the stupidest part is, it's totally almost unnecessary.
The majority of the country has access
to safe, free tap water.
We're transporting a product from 3,000 miles away
that we can get from our kitchens.
In fact, most of the bottled water we drink
is literally tap water, including
Awkwafina and Dasani.
That's right.
Dasani just takes tap water, adds fart smell to it,
and that's how they make Dasani.
[laughter]
And maybe you buy natural spring
water because it's healthier.
But it turns out, not always.
In fact, a study of Fiji Water found that it has more arsenic
than tap water from Cleveland.
Yeah, you thought bottled water was safer?
Turns out it's slowly poisoning you like a wife on Dateline.
So considering that tap water is good enough
for the vast majority of us, the solution
to the huge environmental problems of bottled water
is obvious.
Boom!
Problem solved.
[cheering, applause]
Using a refillable water bottle cuts down on fossil fuels,
creates less waste, and could even save
you $16,000 over its lifetime.
That's enough to pay for a luxury vacation
or 16 shitty vacations.
[laughter]
[chuckles] So long story short, this
is like the easiest choice in the history of no-brainers.
If everyone in the United States
just went with the reusable water bottles,
we'd save money, solve an environmental crisis.
And the best part of that is then
that's one less environmental crisis you'd have to hear
people like me bitching about.
You probably already have nine of these.
Open a cabinet in your kitchen and one will fall on you.
And tomorrow, start using it.
That's how you save the planet.