(beep)
- My phone's all nudes and that's true.
- I gotta turn my airdrop on.
- You want an accidental nude?
I'll show you my tits.
- I mean, you know.
(whistle)
(upbeat music)
Oh hey glamp fan! I saw you there
but I was pretending not to.
I'm Glamdora and I just wanted
to say thank you so much for liking,
commenting, subscribing, all of that shit
on all of my vids here on Crypt TV.
It's been a wonderful journey so far
but did you know that I actually have an Instagram?
Clearly you do because you've left all kinds of comments.
Here's one. Why she got masculine hips?
First of all, that's binary thinking
and second of all, no I (beep) don't.
This person says her eye look like a old peach.
My eye look like a old peach?
What does that (beep) mean?
What's an old peach? No, my eyes are beautiful.
I bet her kidneys smell so damn bad?
Stop thinking about my kidneys
and you're right, they probably smell bad.
You know what, (beep) you guys.
Today's episode is about self confidence.
I don't give a (beep) what you say about me
because I (beep) rule and you (beep) drool.
Until you finish this episode
and then you can learn to love yourself
or something, I don't know.
(flames crackling)
That's right you dicks, today we're
going to learn about self confidence.
How to get it and how to keep it.
Here are a few things that will
never make you feel self confident.
Going down on someone from Tinder.
You should not go down on somebody
that you just call someone from Tinder, alright?
Another thing that really is never
going to make you feel more self confident
is when somebody cuts you off in traffic
so you work your way through the cars
until you're next to them at a red light
and then you look over to see what this (beep)
garbage idiot looks like.
It's actually pretty satisfying.
Another thing that will never make you feel
self confident is still talking
about how Bernie Sanders should have been the nominee.
While some people might think that might be true,
it's 2018, that happened in 2016,
that's two years you should have grown by now.
In a party environment, if you're trying to get laid
I just wouldn't.
(deep breath)
I think I need a boost of self confidence
and I think I know how to get it.
How about with my next guest, Dang Matt Smith.
We're goin' to the boudoir, that's French for bedroom.
(piano music)
Oh my (beep) god, we're in my boudoir now,
can you believe it? God I love this life. How bout you?
- It's not a sleep number bed but, you know, it works.
- Okay, this is my new friend Matt Smith.
I'm sorry, Dang Matt Smith.
- Hey, what's goin' on. I'm not creeped out at all
by the whips and the chains and the dildos
but it's fine, yeah yeah.
- Oh I didn't ask. Anyway, he has his own clothing line,
shirts, hoodies, sweatpants, jerseys, pop sockets,
portable chargers, everyone needs one of those,
except for me, my pussy is also an iphone charger.
Bracelets, phone cases and water bottles.
What's your favorite item you have?
- I was just going to say the shirts
but I'd be happy to accommodate, you know,
anything that you're looking for
and maybe I can get a Dang Matt Smith horn.
- Oh, would you like to touch my horn?
I'm very horny.
- Only on the second date.
- Please touch my horns.
- A little. Just touch the tip.
- Ow! So let me get this straight though,
you made a name for yourself just interacting
with random people on chat roulette.
- Yeah, yeah just talking to strangers,
doing what my parents told me not to do.
- Oh my god, you must have been just a small boy
when chat roulette was a popular thing to do.
- I was a small boy but you know what, I grew up.
- But you're 19, yeah I got some info.
- Where'd that go? Littering.
- Littering is a myth. You do a lot of reactions,
- Yeah
- That's how you made your name for yourself.
- Yes.
- Alright so what kind of things do you react to?
- Anything scary, anything funny, you know.
(Glamdora growling)
(Matt screams)
(beep)
Remind me to change the sheets.
- Did you pee yourself? Or did you cum?
- No, um, worse.
- You did not shit my bed. You smell wonderful.
- Thank you.
- And I'm happy that you're here.
- Yeah, me too.
- Alright.
- Not regretting at all.
- So you also do meme videos.
- Yeah
- I checked out your Instagram.
- Yeah, yeah.
- That feeling when. That moment when. Me when.
You love all of us.
- I do all of it, the awkwardness.
- Please show me that moment when
you realize you've been dead the whole time.
(dramatic music)
Oh my god. He's beautiful.
It's still yelling.
And you're sad that you're dead,
you're not relieved?
Show me that feeling when you realize
your girl's the killer.
(techno music)
When you are having the best sex of your life
but then you realize it's a ghost.
(funk music)
Whoa, it's confusion. It's like pain
and ecstasy simultaneously.
- It's a very personal experience.
- You (beep) a ghost?
- Not on purpose.
- Are you ready to play a little game with me
to see how confident you really are,
you walk in here like some big confident hot shot,
your mad swagger just walkin' up into my bedroom,
trying to tell me what's up?
- You really think I got mad swagger?
- We're gonna play my game now so shut the (beep) up.
This is a game called truth or scare.
I'm gonna ask you some very personal,
very (beep) up questions and you can either
answer them honestly or I get to text someone
in your phone and tell them whatever I want to tell them.
- Oh no.
(scary music)
- First question, who is your least favorite Youtuber, go.
- My least favorite? I mean I love all the Youtubers.
Shout out to all the.
- You can not lie!
- My least favorite Youtuber is myself.
- I think he's lying. I think he's gonna get punished.
Who is the most famous person
you've ever hooked up or made out with?
- I don't know if you heard of anybody called
Selena Gomez but she once kissed me on the cheek
so I count that.
- Selena Gomez kissed you on the cheek?
- She did. I met her one time and then she
was like oh hi, nice to meet you, right there.
- It's not really a hook up but she's pretty famous.
- It's like first and a half base.
- Do you want to ask me?
- Oh god. Whose the most famous person
you've hooked up with?
- Well I haven't hooked up with him
but John Mayer sometimes Dms me really dirty things
and that is true.
Have you every shoplifted?
(ominous music)
So yes? If you lie, if you don't answer your question
I have to go through your phone.
What'd you steal?
- Candy.
- Why did you do it? For the thrill
or cause you needed the candy so bad?
- It was for the sexual thrill of stealing.
- So that's your thing.
- Yes it is.
- If you could kill one person in the purge,
who would it be?
- If I could kill one person
it would have to be my therapist.
- Mommy stuff, dad stuff?
- A little bit of both.
- Yeah. Have you ever had an STD?
- No.
- One time I got crabs on purpose cause I was lonely.
What's the most recent nude you've gotten
and can you show us? No, we're not gonna
see other people's nudes but if you have a nude
that you've sent to somebody,
I would like to see that.
(Matt laughs)
- Of course I don't have a nude.
- My phone's all nudes and that's true.
- I gotta turn my airdrop on.
- You want an accidental nude.
I'll show you my tits.
- I mean, you know. You know, just family friendly.
(beep)
- You're not gonna show me a nude, you lose the game.
- What nude, there's no nudes.
- Give me your phone, give me your phone.
You lose, you lose, you lose, you're punished.
- I wear my clothes in the shower too, so.
- You're a never nude?
- I'm never nude.
- Alright, I'm gonna text your best friend, Jeremiah.
- Oh god. Don't you text Jeremiah.
- Oh I'm gonna (beep) text Jeremiah.
I'm gonna text him thank you so much for
the illegal help on my taxes.
- She's a loose cannon. Sitting in a bedroom
with a back wall that looks like it goes
to the shadow realm.
- Yeah well it does go to the shadow realm.
Hold on, I gotta check in on some people actually.
- Can you tell my grandfather I say hi?
Oh damn.
(beep)
- We're in a new segment of the show now.
I'm sitting differently.
- I'm not.
- Well we all make choices. Okay!
We're going to play a game called kill, torture, (beep).
It's like (beep), marry, kill except we don't care
about marriage here at Crypt TV.
We care about torture.
- Basically I should admit on camera to a crime.
- It's not a crime if you're just premeditating it yet
but it's coming.
Little Xan, Little Tay or My Little Pony.
- Oh jeez, man. Sorry, I'd have to kill Little Tay.
- Okay.
- I'll have to torture Little Xan.
- Mmm, yeah.
- I'm gonna have to (beep) My Little Pony.
- Hi girls!
- You made the exact right call on that, congratulations!
(applause)
- Round of applause for me and bestiality.
- This is kill, torture, (beep),
the three fat men on Pawn Stars.
Let's just torture them all.
- Yeah, I gotta kill em, torture them all.
- Tom Cruise, Ted Cruz or a PT Cruiser.
- (beep) PT Cruiser and then we're gonna have
to torture Ted Cruz cause his policies are horrible
and then Tom Cruise, we're just gonna have to kill him
even though he's about to make Mission Impossible 73.
- Plus I already (beep) him.
(Tom Cruise laughing)
Shane Dawson, The Annabelle doll,
or someone that watches their Instagram stories
in public at full volume with no headphones.
- Oh god. We gotta torture the person
who watches their Instagram stories at full volume.
- Yeah, they're torturing us.
- What was the other ones?
- You have to (beep) or kill Shane Dawson
or the Annabelle doll. You have to decide.
- Oh jeez. Kill the Annabelle doll.
And then Shane Dawson, we're gonna have to.
- You should (beep) Shane Dawson. My man right here,
Dang Matt Smith, wants to (beep) Shane Dawson.
- I mean, no not wants. Want is a strong word.
- Your final kill, torture, (beep).
Liza Koshy, a garbage can full
of 12 day old fried okra or David Dobrik.
- I love okra but I think we're going
to have to torture David Dobrik.
- Okay.
- And then we're gonna have to (beep) the okra.
Right there in the pipe.
- You're gonna kill Liza?
- Sorry Liza.
- You're dead Liza!
- I'm just gonna have to murder you.
- Well Dang, it turns out you're a complete monster.
And I love it. But you should feel very, very bad.
- You sound like my parents.
- Anyway here's some tips from me
but with some different lighting.
(light music)
Wanna fortify your self confidence?
Let's ease into Just the Tip.
Don't ever send a follow up text to someone
that hasn't texted back.
Ha ha, just making sure that last text
went through. I just had bad service
and thought maybe AT&T shut down, ha ha
lmao, text me later lol.
And what's up with people that respond
28 days after a text and answer casually,
like oh hey, do you still need to go
to the hospital? No, Hannah, I don't.
I'm dead. 28 days ago I had really bad diarrhea
and thought I was going to be dehydrated
and then I started thinking back to the Oregon Trail
and how everyone died from dysentery,
which is basically just really bad diarrhea
and I feared for my life but it's cool,
I've really enjoyed all those Instagram pictures
you've been posting from the exact same phone
you could have been responding to me with.
I will unfavorite your selfies, I swear to Satan.
And that's your tip of the day.
Oh my god, we're in my lair, my living room.
My living lair.
- Tomato, lair, same thing.
- Alright. We're gonna play a game called
Sketch Me if You Can.
This is a game where we're going to test
and see who is the most confident
in their artistic abilities.
And it's probably gonna be me.
It's a game where you're going to
based on the note cards that you have,
draw something spooky or scary or monster.
And I'm gonna guess what it is and then vice versa.
Cause that's how games work, okay?
And whoever wins, lives. Alright, let's go.
Are you ready?
- You want me to go first?
- You're gonna go first because it's my (beep) lair,
stop asking questions. I mean,
you can really see my ponytail from this angle,
can't you? I'm like really giving you Ariana here.
I just want everyone to pay attention to that.
Okay. Go go go go!
It's a box, it's a ring, it's a face,
that's a chin, that's a chin.
(chime)
No, Sunny Family Cult!
(applause)
- Very good, wait hold on. I don't want you to win.
- Well, tough shit. It's my turn.
I'm winning. Are you ready cause
this one is very scary?
- I'm ready. Oh gosh. Okay. Oh okay.
It's a person. We got a person.
That's a big man. Big person. Tall.
Leprosy. A disease, okay. That's a square.
Oh, Jason. Is it Jason?
(chime)
Ah yes, Jason!
(man screaming)
Ah! And I got him on my chain too. It's Jason.
- Yeah! So another point for me. Cause I drew it.
- See now you're changing the rules.
You're like a little kid, changing the rules.
- No, this is the third round.
- Mmm hmm. I mean, alright. Fine fine fine fine.
Are you ready? And!
- Yes yes, oh my god. It's another,
okay your faces are always
their chins are so pointy but that's okay,
that's not what this is about. A beard, okay.
Spiky hair, why is this always the hair this way?
- It's the other way.
- The other way, that doesn't. Okay, he'll
be looking in a mirror.
(buzzer)
(sighs)
- I mean, I don't know what the problem is
that's the perfect drawing of Pewdiepie!
- My name is Pewdiepie!
- That's a terrible drawing of Pewdiepie
and since this was the drawer's round,
that's another point to me.
- How many points are you gonna get?
- I have eight points and you have two,
that's right, right? Let me check with my intern.
Eight to two, okay. Let's go.
- Take you back to math class.
- Never again.
(ominous music)
(deep breath)
Are you ready?
- I'm ready.
- Whoever wins this one, wins everything.
- Fine.
- Are you?
(timer ticking)
- Oh jeez, wait, what? Okay, okay, alright.
Oh, it's a butt hole. Okay. No it's not.
Now it's a face. We got a face.
Some eyelashes on point. Oh whoa, that big mouth though.
That's fine. It's you! No it's not.
I don't want to lose points.
Is it like a scary person?
I suck, jeez. Oh does she suck?
Porn star. Oh, porn star. It's you.
It's gotta be you.
(buzzer)
- No. It's Tomi Lahren.
- How. What.
- Well.
- Okay.
- My friend, you lose. Your life.
Do you have any last plugs before you die
so that your legacy will live on?
- Yeah, at Dang Matt Smith, you know,
Youtube.com/dangmattsmith. Everything Dang Matt Smith.
- Now will you trace me?
- Oh (Matt laughs).
- Jack? I want you draw me like one of your French girls.
- The coke bottle body right there.
- Coke bottle body, what the (beep) are you talking about?
- No, yeah, you know how like a Coke bottle just goes like.
(whooshing)
- Ohhhh! I was thinking of a can.
- No, no, a Coke bottle. Oh wow, wow, look at that.
Jeez, I mean that's just.
- Gorgeous.
- No, no! Ew oh, jeez.
- Buddy, you have a problem.
(Matt clears throat)
- I know it's natural but.
- Draw how you want it.
- Cut it nice and neat. Just nice and neat.
Color inside the lines but keep it
you know, nice and neat.
- You've been over socialized. That's beautiful.
- If someone sees that, they're running for the hills.
- That is not true. I'm sorry, you have to go die now.
Because I won.
- It's only fair.
- Yeah.
- Follow the rules, so. I'll just go that way.
- Alright, bye! Kill ya in a second sweetheart.
Man, I can't wait to dang Matt Smith.
I'm gonna consume him with my bush dentata situation
and then spit him out (laughs).
You know, I think I am self confident enough
to check my Instagram again so here we go.
I bet her breath smell like a old bus drivers
couch cushion. She got tuna face, what's that?
As soon as I see it, I gotta tuna different channel.
LMAO. I think I can smell her through my phone.
I don't smell! You know what, fine, here's what
we learned. Take every comment from anonymous strangers
on the internet straight to heart. If you feel bad
about yourself, that sounds about right.
The internet is an abomination and wrong about everything
but it's definitely right about you.
Your kidneys probably do smell so damn bad.
Think about it. Well the glam tram is backing out
of this station and I'd like you to look inward
and find the confidence to hammer the shit
out of that like button and just go to town
on that subscribe button. I'll be back
to sit on your collective laps next week.
(ominous music)
God I love that video. Did you love that video?
If you did, click subscribe below
right here on Crypt TV.