ALSO THIS WEEKEND, THE PRESIDENT SAT DOWN WITH FOX NEWS HOST AND
SALON HAIRCUT PHOTO #7, MARIA BARTIROMO.
AND SHE IMMEDIATELY HELD TRUMP'S FEET TO THE FIRE, TO MAKE SURE
THEY WERE NICE AND COZY.
>> MR. PRESIDENT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR SITTING DOWN WITH ME
TODAY.
>> THANK YOU.
>> HERE WE ARE IN THE WEEK THAT THE DOW JONES INDUSTRIAL AVERAGE
JUST HIT 23,000, $5 1/3 TRILLION OF MARKET VALUE CREATED SINCE
YOUR ELECTION, LARGELY BECAUSE OF THIS ANTICIPATION AND HOPE
THAT YOUR POLICIES WILL GET IMPLEMENTED.
>> Stephen: MR. PRESIDENT, FIRST QUESTION: YOU'RE AMAZING.
FOLLOW-UP: CAN YOU HEAR MY QUESTIONS FROM SO FAR UP YOUR
ASS?
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: WHOA!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
>> Stephen: CAN YOU HEAR THEM?
AND BARTIROMO WASN'T THE ONLY ONE PRAISING TRUMP.
SO WAS TRUMP: >> IF YOU LOOK AT WHAT I HAVE
DONE BETWEEN REGULATION-- I HAVE CUT MORE REGULATIONS IN NINE
MONTHS THAN ANY PRESIDENT HAS CUT DURING THE ENTIRE TERM THAT
THEY WERE IN.
NOBODY'S CUT-- >> YEAH, YOU'RE BETTER THAN
PRESIDENT BUSH-- THE FEDERAL PAGES ARE DOWN OVER 30% UNDER
YOUR LEADERSHIP.
>> WELL, AND BY THE WAY I'VE JUST BEGUN BECAUSE--
>> SO THERE ARE MORE REGULATION --
>> WELL, THERE'S A LOT MORE.
I MEAN REALLY, A LOT MORE.
I MEAN I THINK I CAN DOUBLE IT BEFORE IT'S OVER.
>> Stephen: YES, HE'S GOING TO DOUBLE THE NUMBER OF PAGES THAT
AREN'T THERE.
"BY THE TIME I'M DONE, AMERICA WILL BE AN ABSOLUTELY LAWLESS
HELLSCAPE.
DUMP ANYTHING YOU WANT INTO THE DRINKING WATER.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU PAINT THINNER,
MAKE PEOPLE DRINK PAINT THINNER-ADE."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THERE WAS ONE AREA WHERE
BARTIROMO THOUGHT THINGS WERE TOO LAX:
>> I'M WONDERING WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT TECH RIGHT NOW?
YOU HAVE THESE COMPANIES THAT ARE MORE POWERFUL THAN EVER
BEFORE.
THEY HAVE EVERYTHING, ALL THIS DATA ON US.
THEY ARE SELLING THE DATA.
SHOULD THE TECH COMPANIES LIKE THESE MORE REGULATED?
>> IT'LL BE VERY INTERESTING TO SEE WHAT-- THERE ARE TWO VERY
DISTINCT VIEWS ON THAT.
I CAN GO -- HONESTLY I CAN GO EITHER WAY ON IT.
>> Stephen: YEP, JUST LIKE THE SIGN ON TRUMAN'S DESK:
"THE BUCK STOPS HERE, OR SOMEWHERE ELSE, I CAN GO EITHER
WAY ON IT."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT TRUMP LIKES TECH, ESPECIALLY
TWITTER.
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: HE LOVES THAT THING.
AND HE COULDN'T RESIST PRAISING HIS OWN TWEETS.
>> YOU KNOW THEY ARE WELL CRAFTED.
I WAS ALWAYS A GOOD STUDENT, I AM LIKE A PERSON THAT DOES WELL
WITH THAT KIND OF THING.
>> Stephen: OH, YOU CAN TELL THAT HE WAS A GOOD STUDENT.
EVEN BACK THEN ALL OF HIS PAPERS WERE A 140 CHARACTERS OR LESS.
"GEORGE WASHINGTON WON THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR BECAUSE HE WAS
LIKE A PERSON THAT DOES WELL WITH THAT KIND OF THING.
#FAKETEETH."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND I'M MUCH BETTER THAN GEORGE WASHINGTON BECAUSE LIKE HIM I
CAN'T TELL A LIE.
I TELL A LOT OF THEM.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) AND ON SATURDAY, TRUMP
TWEET-NOUNCED AN EXCITING NEW DEVELOPMENT: "I WILL BE
ALLOWING, AS PRESIDENT, THE LONG BLOCKED AND CLASSIFIED J.F.K.
FILES TO BE OPENED."
THAT'S RIGHT, THE DOCUMENTS WILL BE RELEASED BY THE NATIONAL
ARCHIVES THIS THURSDAY... IS WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK.
( PIANO RIFF ) ARE WE EXPECTED TO BELIEVE THAT
A SINGLE NATIONAL ARCHIVES COULD RELEASE ALL THESE DOCUMENTS?
AND WHAT IS A NATIONAL ARCHIVE BUT A FANCY WORD FOR "BOOK
DEPOSITORY?" THINK ABOUT IT.
I HAVEN'T.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOW, TRUMP'S NOT REALLY THROWING OPEN THE FILES.
THE RELEASE OF THE DOCUMENTS WAS ACTUALLY MANDATED TO OCCUR THIS
MONTH UNDER A 1992 LAW.
SO THIS WAS SCHEDULED.
AND HE'S TAKING CREDIT FOR IT.
"I'VE GIVEN IT SOME THOUGHT, AND I'VE COME TO THE DECISION THAT I
WILL BE ALLOWING CHRISTMAS TO HAPPEN THIS YEAR.
YOU'RE WELCOME, WHOVILLE."
>> Jon: WHOA, WHOA!
>> Stephen: THAT SANK IN.
THEY LOVE CHRISTMAS A LOT.
NOW -- MOST PEOPLE BELIEVE THAT THE
DOCUMENTS SHOULD BE UNSEALED.
BUT BECAUSE LEE HARVEY OSWALD TOOK A MYSTERIOUS TRIP TO MEXICO
WEEKS BEFORE THE ASSASSINATION, SOME HISTORIANS ARE CONCERNED
THAT THE DOCUMENT COULD BE DAMAGING TO U.S.-MEXICO
RELATIONS.
OH, I THINK THAT SHIP HAS SAILED.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I THINK THAT'S -- BYE-BYE.
( PIANO RIFF ) OF COURSE, TRUMP'S TWEET THAT HE
WOULD RELEASE THE J.F.K. FILES CAME RIGHT DURING THE WHOLE GOLD
STAR FAMILY CONTROVERSY.
PEOPLE SAY IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN FOR A DISTRACTION OR SOMETHING
LIKE THAT.
SO NOW WHEN TRUMP FEELS CORNERED, HE'LL JUST DECLASSIFY
AMERICA'S BIGGEST SECRETS.
"ROBERT MULLER IS PRESENTING THE FINDINGS OF THE RUSSIA
INVESTIGATION ON TUESDAY DOT DOT DOT DOT DOT DOT THE SAME DAY I
AM GIVING AWAY AN ALIEN PLASMA CANNON FROM AREA 51!
TENTH CALLER WINS!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )