We kick things off with the World Cup,
where the United States has moved on to the round of 16
after defeating Iran, 1-0.
[applause]
Yes, it's such an amazing win for them.
It means that they go to the next round,
and they now get to say "I-ran" instead of "Ee-ran."
In Hawaii, the world's largest active volcano
has just begun erupting for the first time in 38 years,
which is a shame, another brother
fallen during no-nut November.
[laughter]
It was so close, man.
It was so close.
In other science news, researchers have now
reanimated a so-called zombie virus
that has lain dormant under the Arctic ice
for nearly 50,000 years.
Yeah, now the good news is that Joe Biden is immune.
He already had it as a kid.
[laughter]
And I know.
I know a lot of people are worried.
They're like, why are we doing this?
It's dangerous to mess with viruses this way.
But think about it, people.
It's actually pretty smart because these viruses are
eventually going to emerge anyway when the ice caps melt.
So the quicker we can learn about them,
the quicker we can make a vaccine that no one will take.
Oh, and in some legal news, a Florida woman
is suing Kraft Foods over its microwave mac and cheese,
arguing that while the box says it's ready in three and a half
minutes, that doesn't include the amount of time
it takes to add the water, and then wait for the sauce
to thicken.
[laughter]
And you can laugh, but she's right.
I mean, the box doesn't even include the time
it takes for me to cry over the fact
that I have to eat Kraft mac and cheese for dinner.
That's another 45 minutes.
And, you know, stories like this
make you think about it must be so hard for the lawyer who
works on a case like this to discuss
their work with their peers.
You know?
Like, they're just sitting in a room.
It's like, I'm working on a case
to protect the right to abortion in the South.
Yeah, I'm working on a case to shut down
a company that's been poisoning the water of poor communities.
How about you, Allen?
He's like, well, you know how sometimes
mac and cheese takes longer to make than you expect?
All right.
Well, let's move on to some of the biggest stories
of the day, starting with the ongoing firestorm facing
Donald Trump, former president and host
of the most disturbing dinner since the one Jeffrey
Dahmer had.
Last week Trump ate dinner at Mar-a-Lago
with Kanye West and a prominent white supremacist
named Nick Fuentes.
And we don't know exactly what happened at that dinner
except that nobody ordered latkes.
But, apparently, a lot of Republicans
don't think it's a great look for the leader
of their party to be splitting apps with neo-Nazis.
REPORTER: Donald Trump facing growing backlash to his dinner
last week with prominent white nationalist Nick Fuentes.
Republican politicians now among those calling
out the former President.
I think there's--
it's been clear that there's no bottom
to the degree to which President Trump will degrade
himself and the nation.
Well, I think he can make better choices, obviously.
That was a bad decision.
There's no place for that in the Republican Party.
President Trump was wrong to give a white nationalist,
an anti-Semite, and a Holocaust denier a seat at the table.
And I think he should apologize for it,
and he should denounce those individuals
and their hateful rhetoric without qualification.
Let me just say that there is no
room in the Republican Party for anti-Semitism
or white supremacy.
(IMITATING MCCONNELL) That's right.
There's no room at all because we're all ready full.
Yeah.
I mean, we do have room for someone who hates Dothrakis,
but that would be a new one.
You know, it's so funny watching Republicans try
to chastise Trump for hanging out with someone who has
the exact same views as him without chastising Trump
for having those views, right?
Because here's the thing.
I'm willing to believe--
I'm willing to believe that Trump didn't know
who Nick Fuentes was when he came to his dinner,
as Trump says.
I'm willing to believe that.
But you've got to admit, it says a lot about him
that he enjoyed this man's company and everything
that he had to say. Right?
Like, if your friend brings Darth Vader to your house
for dinner, that's not your fault.
But 15 minutes in, any decent person would be like,
I'm not comfortable with how much this guy talks
about blowing up planets.
Also, why is he wearing a mask?
We've all been tested.
[laughter]
And it is nice.
It is nice to see Republican officials speak out
against Trump for a change.
But we all know how this is going to end.
Republicans get mad at Trump for a little while,
and then they always get back together with him in the end.
Trump scandals are basically like Hallmark Movies.
You know?
Except Trump never actually changes
and becomes a better person.
It's just like, Donald, either you choose your career
or you choose me.
He's like, (IMITATING TRUMP) well, I choose my career.
OK, you can have me, too, Donald.
But let's move on to some news about trains,
or as I call them, choo-choo trains.
You may think about trains as just a form of transport
or a place where people gather to solve murders,
but they're not just that.
It turns out that trains are responsible for carrying
billions of dollars in goods across America every year.
But over the past few months, railroad workers
have been trying to negotiate better working
conditions with the railroads.
And the dispute has gotten so bad
that now President Biden, Amtrak Joe himself,
is stepping in.
President Biden is calling on Congress
to avert a looming rail strike and impose
a settlement that some Union members rejected.
REPORTER: The president's involvement
signals a major shift for him that could potentially pit
him against his union allies.
But right now, George, he says that he was reluctant to get
involved in this one.
But the potential that this could cripple the economy
was just too much.
A strike could threaten everything from farming
and food to crucial chemicals for clean water,
causing major supply chain disruptions.
Yeah, that's right.
A railroad strike wouldn't just inconvenience passengers.
It would devastate the entire economy,
which you've got to admit sounds weird in 2022, right?
No, it does because railroads feel so old-timey.
You know, it's like, (OLD-TIMEY ACCENT) on the railroad.
And it's like it will devastate the economy now.
It's like finding out you're losing
your job because the Whale Hunter's Union went on strike.
You're like, but I work on computers.
Yeah, well, actually, the internet runs on whale oil.
What are you going to do?
Now the situation is complex.
But, basically, some railroad unions
are threatening to strike because, despite railroad
companies making billions in profits,
workers' schedules are so unpredictable that they
can't plan their lives.
And they definitely don't get nearly enough sick days, which
they deserve, especially because every few train rides,
they have to climb on the roof because they hear a sound.
And it's James Bond, who's coming to punch
them and take over the train.
That's at least a mental health day.
So it's kind of messed up for Joe Biden to step in
and forbid the workers from striking.
You know?
That's the only point of leverage that workers have.
If they can't strike, what are they supposed to do?
Be like, all right, we'll run the trains.
But when we blow the whistle, it's going to be real sad.
Choo, choo.
At the same time, though, I can see
why Joe Biden is willing to stop the unions
from going on strike.
He can't have the economy take a hit on his watch.
His administration has enough problems-- high interest
rates, war in Europe, they can't find
a sitter for Pete Buttigieg.
Times are hard.
But if anyone can solve a train crisis, it's Joe Biden.
This man has spent his whole life obsessed with trains.
This is his moment.
Can you imagine?
It's made for him.
This is like if Trump had to solve a crisis
involving the McRib, you know?
He's just like, (IMITATING TRUMP)
everyone out of the room.
Melania, get me the Hamburglar on a secure line.
We're going to solve this.
But this is yet another reminder of all the things
happening in the supply chain that we
all just take for granted.
We take it all for granted because a banana doesn't just
show up in a grocery store.
Somebody grows a tree in Costa Rica.
And then it's picked, and it's loaded onto a truck.
And then a ship, and then another truck, and then
a train, and then another truck, and that's
when you buy it at the store.
You put it on your counter, and you
let it slowly rot before throwing it in the garbage.
And that garbage is picked up by another truck.
And then it's shipped back to Costa Rica.
It's actually beautiful when you think about it.
It's the circle of life.
[applause]
Hakuna matata.
All right, finally, history is full of famous feuds,
you know?
Godzilla versus Mothra, Swifties versus Ticketmaster,
Herschel Walker versus condoms.
And now there's a new one, Elon Musk, the world's richest man,
is picking a fight with the world's richest company.
Elon Musk has a beef with Apple.
He claims the tech giant has threatened to pull
Twitter from its App Store.
A move like that would, of course,
crush Musk's new company.
REPORTER: Musk tweeting a series of claims against Tim
Cook and company, calling out the iPhone maker
for pulling back on advertising on the social platform,
also complaining about the 15% to 30%
fee that is placed on app developers.
Musk also said that Apple had threatened
to remove Twitter from its App Store
as part of its review moderation process.
He likened this move to a suppression of free speech.
REPORTER: This is a battle for the future of civilization,
he writes.
If free speech is lost, even in America,
tyranny is all that lies ahead.
Really, Elon?
Tyranny?
You can't give the Braveheart speech about everything.
Everything?
This dude is walking around Twitter headquarters
like, this threatens the very existence
of democracy and mankind.
Than the janitor is like, OK, jeez,
I'll refill the paper towels.
Stop shouting.
Now we should unpack this a bit because Elon went
full on ludicrous mode yesterday
with a bunch of different claims about Apple.
The first thing he complained about
was that Apple stopped advertising
on Twitter, which he thinks is an attack on free speech.
And maybe it's just me, but, like,
do you also find it funny how free speech
and giving Elon Musk money always
seem to be perfectly aligned?
Right?
Elon is like, oh, so the world's most perfectly
protected brand doesn't want ads
showing up next to Nazi memes.
I guess you believe in censorship, huh?
Secondly, Elon is bitching that Apple has threatened to drop
Twitter from the App Store.
And if that's true, it's probably
because Apple requires all of its apps to be safe.
And Musk has essentially fired all the people who
are responsible for content moderation
and replaced them with a sign that just says,
hey, don't post that.
And the third point-- the third point that Elon
is crying about is that Apple has too
much power over iPhone apps.
Yeah, because if he charges $8 a month for Twitter
verification, Apple automatically
gets to take up to 30% of any money people spend in the app.
Elon doesn't want that.
I mean, he can't afford to give 30% of Twitter's money
away just because some idiot made him spend $44 billion
on an app that we all use for free.
He can't afford that shit.
And so that's where we are right
now, the richest company versus the richest man in the world.
And the stakes could not be higher.
Because, remember, the outcome of this war
could determine how we spend our time while we poop.
All right, that's it for the headlines.
Before we go to a break, it's time
to check in on all the latest social media trends
with our very own Ronny Chieng, everybody!
[cheering]
What's going on, Ronny?
Thank you.
I love social media.
It's the one place where you can keep your Thanksgiving
fights going all year long.
Here's what's trending today.
OK, there's this weird video on TikTok of a doll
dancing around in the forest.
And now parents are showing their kids that video
and tricking them into believing that the doll was
them as a baby.
Now what I just said may not make any sense, but trust me.
After you watch it, it will somehow make even less sense.
All right?
Just take a look.
WOMAN: Do you remember?
That's not me when I was a baby.
WOMAN: Yeah, it was.
You don't remember?
I'm flying.
WOMAN: Yeah, you were just born.
OK, stop.
Stop the video.
Putin, if you're watching this, please, just nuke us right now
and end it, OK?
Because if you're going to gaslight kids like you have
done Men in Black brainwash your children,
at least give them a good fake memory, OK?
Like, make them believe that two years ago, you already
got them a Nintendo instead of losing their college
fund in Bitcoin, right?
Because this challenge is just mean.
Even Woody Allen is like, this is
no way to treat your own kids.
OK?
What, too soon?
Too Soon-Yi?
TREVOR NOAH: [laughs]
Kids, let's--
[applause]
Let's try a new challenge, OK?
The call protective services and tell them your parents
are exploiting you for likes challenge, OK?
Because you might even get a new family out of this.
It'll be hilarious.
Something for the gram.
And the other thing that's trending right now
is, as Trevor said, Elon Musk versus Apple.
He's very upset right now, and, of course,
Elon is upset at Apple's policy, OK?
Elon barely read his own contract to buy Twitter.
You think he read Apple's terms and conditions?
OK?
No one seems to understand, this guy is rich in America.
OK?
That means people should just do what he wants.
Stop oppressing him.
OK?
Elon grew up in South Africa under apartheid, Trevor.
Do you have any idea how hard that was for him?
[laughter]
That's something none of us in this room
could ever understand.
And that is what's motivating him
to save democracy by preserving our right to have
neo-Nazis call me a cuck.
So you commies better let the free market save this company
that's not profitable.
But speaking on Twitter, the only trend
that matters this week is the World Cup, OK?
Yeah, that's right.
And every day, every trend, every trending topic
is someone versus someone--
USA versus Iran, Morocco versus Belgium.
You can't see anything but World Cup hashtags.
OK?
It's so bad-- I don't even know who Pete Davidson
is [bleep] right now, OK?
That's how unclear my feed is.
It's just buried under inane soccer tweets
from idiots like this guy.
You see this?
Look at this.
[laughter]
Lionel Messi, what a player.
Do we need this?
What a player.
What a tweet.
What a discovery.
Oh my god.
This guy should quit his job and become a soccer scout,
whoever he is, because he's got a real eye
for finding the best player in the world
for the last two decades.
Listen, Pete Davidson could be [bleep] Kathy Bates right now,
and I wouldn't even know because of trash like this
cluttering up my feed.
Anyway, I got to go.
My mom just sent me a video of me
as a baby playing in the forest or something.
I got to go watch this.
All right, back to you, Trevor.
Ronny Chieng, everybody.