WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "LATE SHOW"."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT
SOME OF YOU MAY NOT HAVE NOTICED, BUT I'M A COMEDIAN.
AND IT'S RIGHT THERE ON MY TAXES.
AND AS SUCH, I'VE GOT A LOT OF COMEDY IDOLS, MANY OF WHOM I'VE
HAD THE HONOR TO MEET, THANKS TO THIS JOB RIGHT OVER THERE: STEVE
MARTIN, JOHN CLEESE, ELMO.
HE JUST TICKLES ME.
( LAUGHTER )
THANK YOU.
AND MY NEW COMEDY IDOL IS VOLODYMYR ZELENSKY.
HE WAS A COMEDIAN, VERY SUCCESSFUL COMEDIAN FOR MANY
YEARS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
NORMALLY, I'M AGAINST ELECTING COMEDIANS TO POLITICAL OFFICE--
AND KEEP IN MIND, I RAN FOR PRESIDENT TWICE.
( LAUGHTER )
WORLD WITH HIS COURAGE IN THE FACE OF THE RUSSIAN INVASION,
AND LAST NIGHT, HE TOOK HIS BRAVERY TO A BRAND-NEW LEVEL OF
BAD-ASSERY.
IN A SPEECH TO THE UKRAINIAN PEOPLE, HE DECLARED THAT,
DESPITE NUMEROUS ASSASSINATION ATTEMPTS AGAINST HIM IN JUST THE
LAST TWO WEEKS, HE'S NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
>> NOW I WILL SAY ONE THING: I STAY HERE.
I STAY IN KYIV.
ON BANKOVA STREET.
I'M NOT HIDING.
AND I'M NOT AFRAID OF ANYONE.
>> Stephen: THAT IS SO BRAVE.
I AM PERSONALLY INSPIRED BY HIS EXAMPLE.
AND I WANT TO SAY, VLADIMIR PUTIN, I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU,
EITHER.
IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR THIS COMEDIAN, I'M IN THE
ED SULLIVAN THEATER ON BROADWAY IN MANHATTAN...
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER )
MY NAME, SIR-- AND WRITE THIS DOWN-- IS JAMES CORDEN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME-- I DON'T CARE!
I'LL PUT IT OUT THERE!
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME SINCE THE INVASION THAT
ZELENSKY ADDRESSED THE NATION FROM HIS PRESIDENTIAL OFFICE,
BUT HE STARTED WITH A "WEST WING"-STYLE WALK AND TALK:
>> HERE IS THE EVENING, KYIV.
OUR OFFICE, MONDAY EVENING.
YOU KNOW, WE USED TO SAY, "MONDAY IS A HARD DAY."
THERE IS A WAR IN THE COUNTRY, SO EVERY DAY IS MONDAY.
>> Stephen: BEAUTIFUL AND RELATABLE WORDS.
OF COURSE, ZELENSKY DIDN'T WRITE THAT HIMSELF.
HE'S QUOTING FAMED UKRAINIAN POET, GARFIELDOMIR DECATSKY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ZELENSKY---- BIG GARFIELDOMIR FANS
ZELENSKY HAS BEGGED THE WESTERN POWERS TO RAMP UP THE ECONOMIC
PAIN ON RUSSIA, AND THIS MORNING, JOE BIDEN DISHED OUT
THE BIGGEST DOSE YET: >> TODAY, I'M ANNOUNCING THE
UNITED STATES IS TARGETING THE MAN ARTERY OF RUSSIA'S ECONOMY.
WE'RE BANNING ALL IMPORTS OF RUSSIAN OIL AND GAS AND ENERGY.
>> Stephen: TAKE THAT, VLAD!
AMERICA DOESN'T NEED YOUR KLEPTO CRUDE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HAPPY TO STAY HOME AND AND FRACK OURSELVES BLIND.
THIS IS ANOTHER MASSIVE BLOW TO THE RUSSIAN ECONOMY, AND BIDEN
REMINDED AMERICANS JUST HOW MUCH DAMAGE WE'VE ALREADY DONE.
>> THE RUSSIAN RUBLE IS NOW DOWN TO 50%, BY 50% SINCE PUTIN
ANNOUNCED HIS WAR.
ONE RUBLE IS NOW WORTH LESS THAN ONE AMERICAN PENNY.
ONE RUBLE IS LESS THAN ONE AMERICAN PENNY.
>> Stephen: "AND LET ME TELL YA, JACKOV--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SERIOUS.
I'M NOT JEKING HERE.
THAT PENNY AIN'T WORTH WHAT IT USED TO BE.
BACK IN SCRANTON IN 19-AUGHT-FORGET-ABOUT-IT, A
SHINY LINCOLN WOULD GETCHA TWO TICKETS TO THE RIALTO TO SEE A
TALKIE OF OL' CHUCKY CHAPLIN GIVIN' THE KAISER THE WHAT-FOR
YOU'D STILL HAVE--
YOU'D STILL HAVE ENOUGH LEFT OVER TO GO TO THE LUNCHEONETTE
FOR A HEARTY BOWL OF TWINE SOUP.
MORE AND MORE COMPANIES ARE SAYING NYET TO DOING BUSINESS IN
RUSSIA.
THE LATEST IS McDONALD'S, WHICH EARLIER TODAY ANNOUNCED THEY'RE
TEMPORARILY CLOSING RESTAURANTS AND PAUSING ALL OPERATIONS IN
RUSSIA.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YES.
RUSSIA JUST BECAME A "NO FRY ZONE."
( LAUGHTER )
OH, YEAH.
HITIN THEM HARD.
NOW RUSSIANS WILL BE FORCED TO DO THE UNTHINKABLE: DINE AT THE
RUSSIAN ARBY'S-- "WE HAVE THE BEETS!"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
TO LASH OUT-- CRISPY CURLS AND COKE.
TO LASH OUT AT A REASONABLE WORLD THAT HATES PUTIN'S
GROTESQUE WAR CRIMES, YESTERDAY, RUSSIA RELEASED A LIST OF
UNFRIENDLY COUNTRIES, INCLUDING AUSTRALIA, GREAT BRITAIN,
CANADA, SOUTH KOREA, AND THE UNITED STATES.
OH, NO!
NOT AN UNFRIENDLY LIST!
THIS IS THE MOST DEVASTATING ATTACK SINCE FIDEL CASTRO PUT
J.F.K. IN HIS BURN BOOK.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEOW.
>> Jon: WOW!
>> Stephen: IT'S NOT JUST THE MAJOR POWERS.
PUTIN'S LIST ALSO INCLUDES TINY COUNTRIES LIKE ANDORRA,
SAN MARINO, AND MICRONESIA.
IT'S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY: THE ENEMY OF MY ENEMY, IS MY...
CRONESIA.
IN ADDITION-- THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> Jon: THAT'S FANTASTIC.
I LIKE THAT.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
( APPLAUSE )
IN ADDITION TO BEING AWESOME, CLASSIFYING A COUNTRY AS
"UNFRIENDLY" IS ALSO AN ECONOMIC MANEUVER, ALLOWING THE RUSSIAN
GOVERNMENT, COMPANIES, AND CITIZENS TO TEMPORARILY PAY
FOREIGN DEBTS IN RUBLES.
NOOOOO!
NOT RUBLES!
RUBLES ARE WORTHLESS NOW!
THIS IS LIKE WHEN YOUR NEIGHBOR BREAKS YOUR LAWNMOWER AND TRIES
"DAVE-BUCKS." IT'S NOT MONEY IF I CAN ONLY USE
IT IN YOUR HOUSE, DAVE.
ZELENSKY IS NOT THE ONLY INSPIRING UKRAINIAN.
ORDINARY PEOPLE THERE HAVE GIVEN US SO MANY IMAGES OF HOPE AMID
THE HARDSHIP, LIKE THIS VIDEO OF A LITTLE GIRL IN A BOMB SHELTER
IN KYIV SINGING THE RUSSIAN VERSION OF "LET IT GO."
>> Stephen: THAT LITTLE GIRL IS AMAZING.
( APPLAUSE ).
SHE IS-- THAT'S INCREDIBLE.
THAT'S INCREDIBLE.
SHE IS THE ONLY PERSON ON THE PLANET WHO CAN MAKE EVERY
PARENT I KNOW SAY, "LET'S LISTEN TO 'LET IT GO' AGAIN."
( LAUGHTER )
SHE IS RISKING THE ANGER OF THE ONLY FORCE SCARIER THAN THE
RUSSIAN ARMY: DISNEY LAWYERS.
THEY WILL FIND YOU.
THE POLICY IN UKRAINE IS THAT WHILE MEN AGED 18 TO 60 NEED TO
STAY AND FIGHT, WOMEN AND CHILDREN CAN LEAVE.
BUT AS THE WAR ESCALATES, MORE WOMEN ARE RETURNING, LIKE THIS
GROUP OF MOMS, WHO HAD A VERY TOUGH MESSAGE FOR RUSSIA.
>> ( translated ): WE ARE WOMEN OF UKRAINE.
WE HAVE BLESSED OUR MEN TO PROTECT OUR LAND.
WE HAVE ALREADY TAKEN OUR CHILDREN TO SAFETY.
WE JOIN THE MEN AND THE UKRAINIAN ARMY.
>> Stephen: PUTIN, YOU DONE MESSED UP NOW.
YOU MADE THE MOMS MAD.
YOU MADE MOM MAD!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOBODY-- EVERYBODY-- EVERYBODY BE KNOWS DON'T MAKE MOMS MAD.
MOMS WERE BUILT FOR CONFLICT!
THEY CAN FIND ANYTHING, EAT DINNER IN UNDER 20 SECONDS, AND
KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE DOING, EVEN IF YOU'RE UPSTAIRS
AND COMPLETELY SILENT.
IF THEY USE PUTIN'S MIDDLE NAME, IT IS OVER:
"VLADIMIR VLADIMIROVICH PUTIN, GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW, YOUNG
MAN, 'CAUSE I HAVE AN AK-46 AND WILL SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE."
IT'S FITTING TO WATCH THAT VIDEO ON INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY.
AND INVASION OR NOT--
AND INVASION OR NOT, THE MEN OF UKRAINE ARE STILL MARKING THE
OCCASION.
>> TODAY, BY THE WAY, IS THE 8th OF MARCH, AND THIS IS THE
WOMEN'S DAY.
THE DAY IS PRETTY MUCH-- A LOT CELEBRATED IN UKRAINE.
AND TODAY IS SOME MAN FROM THE TERRITORIAL DEFENSE UNIT,
THEY CAME TO THE BOMB SHELTER WITH A LOT OF FLOWERS.
THE GUYS JUST BROUGHT IT TO US.
>> Stephen: THAT'S BEAUTIFUL-- FLOWERS IN THE MIDDLE OF A WAR
ZONE.
AMERICAN MEN--
AMERICAN MEN, YOU GOTTA STEP IT UP.
( LAUGHTER )
LONGER BE SATISFIED WITH YOUR TRADITIONAL GIFT FOR
INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY, SAYING, "HEY, TURNS OUT THERE'S
AN INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY!
ARE YOU INTERNATIONAL?
YOU'RE NATIONAL, RIGHT?
YOU'RE NOT INTERNATIONAL.
I DIDN'T MISS, ANY RIGHT, BECAUSE YOU LIVE HERE."
SO MANY UKRAINIAN CITIZENS ARE DOING THEIR PART TO RESIST
PUTIN'S AGGRESSION.
CASE IN POINT: OVER THE WEEKEND, WHEN AN ADVISOR TO THE UKRAINIAN
GOVERNMENT TWEETED, "IN KYIV A WOMAN KNOCKED DOWN A RUSSIAN
DRONE FROM A BALCONY WITH A JAR OF CUCUMBERS.
HOW DID THEY EXPECT TO OCCUPY THIS COUNTRY?"
THAT'S RIGHT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
UKRAINIAN GRANDMOTHERS HAVE WEAPONIZED PICKLES!
AND THEY'RE NOT GHERKIN AROUND.
HERE'S THE DILL-EO: MESS WITH UKRAINE, AND THEY'LL RELISH THE
OPPORTUNITY TO HIT YOU WITH A PICKLE SPEAR, OR EVEN WORSE,
DROP A TACTICAL CUKE.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Jon: AAAH!
YEAH!
>> Stephen: CORNICHON.
ONE WRINKLE: NOBODY WAS ABLE TO VERIFY THE PICKLE STORY, AND A
LOT OF PEOPLE WROTE IT OFF AS AN URBAN LEGEND.
BUT THEN THE UKRAINIAN NEWS SITE liga.net DID THE PULITZER- AND
PICKLE-WORTHY JOURNALISM AND TRACKED THE WOMAN DOWN.
AND IT TURNS OUT, SADLY, THE STORY WAS NOT TRUE.
THE WOMAN WANTS TO SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT: THOSE WERE
NOT PICKLED CUCUMBERS.
SHE ACTUALLY KNOCKED DOWN THE RUSSIAN DRONE WITH A JAR OF
PICKLED TOMATOES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WHICH MEANS I'VE GOTTA UPDATE MY JOKES:
PUTIN'S NEVER GOING TO KETCHUP WHEN THE BEEFSTEAKS ARE THIS
HIGH.
THERE'S MARI-NARY A CHANCE HE CAN STOP THE HEIR-LOOMING
INSURGENCY.
IT'S TIME TO SHOW HIM THE POMODOOR-O SO HE CAN
BRUSCHETT-OUTTA THERE.
TOMATO, TOMAHTO, INVADO, INVAHDO, HE SHOULD JUST CALL THE
WHOLE WAR OFF.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE JOHN C. REILLY AND BROADWAY STAR KRISTIN
CHENOWETH.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE"!
JOIN US.
♪ ♪ ♪