So my wife and I we talk
probably a lot about mostly kid stuff.
We have kids in the house and kids they take up,
they take up a lot.
Clap if you have children.
(audience applauding)
Kids take up a lot.
We have two boys,
okay we have a 10 year old and a three year old
and I hate to have to say it,
but technically to the 10 year old I'm his stepdad
and I hate to have to make a distinction
because that's not how we live at my house.
But I've been there since he was four
and a buddy of mine he goes yeah,
well you know, do you treat him like he's really your kid?
And go yeah, I've been there since he was four.
You know I'm the one who taught this kid
how to pee standing up.
(audience laughing)
I taught him my morals.
I taught him when your mom serves you breakfast,
the first thing you do is say thank you.
Those are my morals and I pay his rent.
(audience laughing)
If I pay your rent you're my son.
(audience laughing)
That's the rules.
It works, he's my buddy.
We play Xbox together.
My friends like yeah, yeah, I get it you know,
you play Xbox I'm just saying you know...
what if there's a fire?
(audience groans)
Then how important is he?
And I was like dude, I still gotta face
my wife after the fire.
(audience laughing)
I can't walk up to her holding the Xbox
like woo, that was close, ha ha!
(audience laughing)
We made it!
What?
No, he was right behind me.
Oh no!
(audience laughing)
That's terrible.
Because he had the other controller.
(audience laughing)
No, no.
I love this dude, he's my buddy, he's my little buddy.
He's my sidekick.
I'll tell you this guys
so there's two boys, have different dads,
my wife is Caucasian, that means white.
(audience laughing)
The school system here you see.
(audience laughing)
Her first husband also black.
I tell you that so now you know exactly
what the kids look like
because we only make one basic floor model.
(audience laughing)
You feel bad but you know exactly what they look like.
Cocoa skin, curly hair.
So when the 10 year old, when he was little
I would take him with me to the store all the time.
This used to happen all the time.
Usually girls come up like oh my goodness,
he looks just like you.
I totally see it, father and son.
He looks just like you.
He doesn't look like me.
At all.
They're not going by facial features,
they're going by a color chart.
He's in between this color and this color.
That's not how it works.
He looks exactly like his dad,
like so much so sometimes when I talk to him
I just punch him in the mouth.
(audience laughing)
Told you not to disrespect, oh it's you buddy,
it's you, buddy I told you not to make that face buddy.
Don't make.
Your mom's coming, get up, get up, get up, get up!
He was on the floor when I got here.
He's playing lay down.
(audience laughing)
Now listen I'm telling you this
because this is a 100% true story,
I'm not making this up.
This is this kids background.
He's four years old.
It happened three times in one day.
People are like oh you look just like each other.
He's starting to get it, four years old,
we're leaving Toys "R" Us,
happened three times in one setting.
He's leaving, he looks at me, he goes
hey Warren, how come...
how come people keep thinking you're my dad?
I go I don't know buddy probably...
probably 'cause we're both black.
And he says I'm not black.
(audience laughing)
Okay.
(audience laughing)
What are you buddy?
And he goes I'm white.
And I go you are white, but you are also black.
Straight-faced he goes when am I black?
And I said every other weekend.
(audience laughing)
And alternating holidays.
(audience laughing)
It's gonna be a dark Easter buddy.
But it's gonna be a white Christmas!
(audience applauding)
Best of both worlds buddy, best of both worlds.
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