(beeps)
- When you're one woman with one story
against one man, you really have nothing.
You're what the legal system calls,
and I think it's Latin, but it's a lying whore,
I think is what it is.
(audience laughs) (upbeat music)
- 'Sup?
Psych, I don't trust white people.
Wakanda forever motherfucker.
- Michael Jackson was fuckin' one of my kids,
I would've just fucked one of his.
(upbeat music)
- Comedy has gone too far.
This is why I think women are phony,
just follow me before you take away my career on Twitter.
(upbeat music)
- Buckle up white bitch, I'm about
to take you on a negro field trip.
(upbeat music)
- You know what I do before a show?
I pray that these motherfuckers like my goddamn jokes.
- It's never a positive, good feeling
before I walk out, which is good,
'cause this way if the show sucks,
I prepared myself, and if the show is great,
hey, that's a win.
- I remember once hearing Bill Cosby
talk about organizing his jokes and how
he'll do a joke and he'll take a word out
until it stops working, and then he'll put a word
in again, 'cause that was when the joke was perfect.
But he raped a lot of women, so maybe he doesn't
know what he's talking about.
(upbeat music)
- You know the worst thing for me when I'm on
the road by myself is that I'm top heavy,
so usually I bring somebody with me
just to button up my bra from the back.
What is you doin' back there?
What's takin' you so damn long?
You ever unbuckled a bra with 12 or 15 buckles
lookin' like a seatbelt?
Why you all got this sexy camera man staring
at me like I'm for sale?
Boy I'm about to breastfeed you,
you like chocolate milk?
- So you have to look unfuckable for the girls,
so that they're not threatened,
and then you have to look fuckable for the guys
so that they even give a shit what you're talking about.
I know none of this is real, but isn't it?
If I see a girl without makeup,
I always am just like, "Oh my god, someone loves her."
(audience laughs) That is so, what is that like?
- A couple things I like to do to get ready
is just look at a bunch of puppy videos.
I've asked for puppies in my rider,
but I've never gotten them yet.
I am a feminist, but I'm a lazy feminist, you know?
Like I want equal rights, but I'm not gonna do anything
to get them.
(audience laughs)
Personally I'm just trying to get hit less at home.
(all laugh)
- It's all mental preparation.
It's like a boxer.
You shadow box, you picture yourself about to knock
this crowd out, or this person out,
and that's what I do.
- If you shadow box before you go on stage,
I fuckin' hope a ceiling fan falls on your head.
- One of the things that I must have in my rider
is 40 ounces of lotion on ice.
(lotion squirts)
Ooh, the sound of that squirt just makes my life
feel so awesome!
(funky music)
- My pre-show routine, I smoke a cigar,
you write some jokes down, and then I sit.
Wow, look at that.
I never eat before a show though.
One time I ate before a show, and I had to poop on stage.
You don't know you can't run until you need to run.
That's when you find out.
Like, oh I don't have the skillset anymore.
- I travel a lot, so I always try to call my husband
before six o'clock, because I got a really deep voice,
and he don't like my deep voice.
You think I sound like a man?
- [Husband] I'm just saying your voice is deep.
(laughs) - I'm never givin' you
no more pussy.
- The worst thing to do before a show
is to get in a fight with somebody via text.
- Or a voice message, because all it does
is inspire you to destroy her in your show!
You know what a fuck tape is?
Little girl, do you know what a fuckin' fuck tape is?
(audience laughs)
It's like a Fitbit for your dick.
(audience laughs)
- I don't have a pre-show routine.
Before the show, I have to piss right before I go on,
whether I have to go, or whether I don't go,
I just stand there like a 70 year old man,
I let it dribble.
(crunches)
And then I walk on stage.
No rape has ever been caused because of something
a stand up comedian has said.
It's just not the way it works.
I've never heard a rape go, "It was terrible,
"he came in and he was laughing."
(audience laughs)
Don't be an asshole, watch The Degenerates.
- A lot of people gettin' mad.
- Shut up!
We tapin!
- The Degenerates.
- Now streamin' on Netflix biatch!
- I might get canceled after wheat I say tonight.
(upbeat music)