THANKS FOR STAYING UP WITH US.
WE'RE SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
TONIGHT ON THE SHOW, WE'LL BE CHATTING WITH MINNIE DRIVER, AND
LATER WE HAVE A PERFORMANCE FROM BENNY BLANCO AND GRACIE ABRAMS,
YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS IT.
ALL FANTASTIC NAMES.
MINNIE DRIVER.
BENNY BLANCO.
GRACIE ABRAMS.
, THAT IS TOP LEVEL CELEBRITY NAISMS, DON'T YOU THINK?
MINNIE DRIVER, BENNY BLANCO, GRACIE ABRAMS.
WHO ELSE WOULD YOU PUT IN THERE, A NAME WHERE THEY COULD ONLY BE
A CELEBRITY.
>> ARMIE HAMMER.
>> James: OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
(LAUGHTER) YES, YES, I-- ARE YOU RIGHT.
>> IT IS A NAME.
>> ROGER P HENSON, LOU DIAMOND FILL LIPS.
YOU KNOW WHO ELSE, REGGIE WATTS.
>> James: REGGIE WATTS, I PUT REGIE IN THERE, WEDGIE-- REGGIE
WATTS, YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK OF PATTI WILL YOU POAN, THERE IS NO
WAY PATTI WILL YOU POAN WORKS IN ACCOUNTS AT A FIRM.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
YOU DON'T GET DENTAL SURGERY AND OH I'M YOUR DENTIST PATTI
LUPONE.
IT DOESN'T WORK, ONLY A BROADWAY STAR, RIGHT?
DON'T YOU THINK.
>> CHAR LIZ THERON.
>> James: YES, ALTHOUGH IT'S NOT THERON T IS THERON.
CHARLIZE THERON.
>> THAT COULD BE ANYBODY.
>> James: EXACTLY.
>> I HATE TO SAY, THIS SHE'S WRONG.
>> YEAH.
>> SHE'S WRONG.
I HATE TO SAY THIS, TAND IS NOT FOR ME TO SAY, SHE IS
PRONOUNCING HER NAME WRONG.
>> IT IS THERON.
>> AND THERON LIES THE PROBLEM.
>> James: WOW, WE ARE OUT OF THE BLOCKS TONIGHT, BLIES, OUT
OF THE BLOCKS.
DO YOU STILL KEEP IN CONTACT WITH PATTI LUPONE?
>> I HAVEN'T IN AWHILE BUT HOPING ONE OF THESE DAYS.
>> James: SEBD HER AN EMAIL NOW.
GO ON.
HAVE YOU GOT HER EMAIL OR A NUMBER.
>> I'VE GOT HER EMAIL.
>> James: SEN HER AN EMAIL NOW, GO ON, GO ON.
>> I'M CERTIFICATE TIED.
>> James: NO, GO ON, GO ON, WHAT SHOULD HE SEND TO PATTI
LUPONE.
I THINK IT SHOULD BE HEY PATTI, JUST CHECKING IN, ALL GOOD, LOVE
DAVE.
GO ON.
>> I CAN'T.
>> James: WHY WOULDN'T YOU EMAIL PATTI LUPONE?
>> SEEMS INAPPROPRIATE.
>> James: IT WAS THE■ MOST THRILLING MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE.
WHEN WE WERE DOING THE ONE DAY MORE AND PATTI LUPONE WAS
EMAILING BACK AND FORTH, YOU WERE ON CLOUD ELEVEN.
>> I DON'T WANT TO RUIN THAT BEAUTIFUL RELATIONSHIP WE HAVE.
>> James: I THINK IF YOU LEAVE IT TOO LONG IT'S RUINED.
THAT IS WHY I AM SAYING, YOU SHOULD CHECK IN.
>> Reggie: HE'S RIGHT.
>> James: HAVE YOU EVER EMAILED PATTI LUPONE ABOUT STUFF
OTHER THAN WORK YNS NO, STRICTLY BEEN BUSINESS.
>> James: SO NOT FRIENDS.
>> NO, WE'RE NOT FRIENDS.
>> James: BUT YOU WANT TO BE FRIENDS AND I ACTUALLY THINK YOU
WOULD BE A GOOD FRIEND TO PATTI LUPONE.
>> I MEAN SHE IS A LIVING LEGEND.
>> James: GO ON.
EMAIL HER NOW.
>> I CAN'T, I CAN'T.
>> James: WHY?
WHY?
SHE MIGHT EMAIL BACK DURING THE SHOW.
>> YOU KNOW, I THINK PEOPLE ARE USUALLY AFRAID OF SUCCESS MORE
THAN FAILURE.
I THINK SHE IS AFRAID SHE WILL EMAIL BACK AND IT L BOUGHT.
>> James: YOU THINK.
>> I THINK SO.
>> James: GO ON DAVE, PLEASE EMAIL PATTI.
>> I WILL EMAIL HER AND SAY SHE WAS MENTIONED ON THE SHOW
TONIGHT.
>> James: PERFECT, HEY PATTI WE ARE TALKING ABOUT YOU ON THE
SHOW TONIGHT, HOPE ALL IS GOOD.
ALL MY LOVE, DAVE.
>> PS.
>> BRUNCH.
>> BRUNCH IS COMING BACK.
>> James: PS, THINGS ARE OPENING UP HERE IN L.A
DOT DOT DOT BRUNCH?
DOT DOT DOT QUESTION MARK.
OKAY, READ IT, WHAT DOES IT SAY.
>> DEAR MS. LUPONE THAT IS HOW I ADDRESS YOU, JAMES BROUGHT YOU
UP IN THE MONOLOGUE OF TONIGHT'S SHOW, JUST WANTED TO LET YOU
KNOW AND HOPE ALL IS WELL.
>> James: ALL MY LOVE.
>> ALL MY LOVE.
>> James: ALL MY LOVE AND RESPECT, YOUR DAVE.
BECAUSE THEY JUST THINK YOU HAVE LOST THE-- BUT SHE WILL KNOW
DEEP DOWN YOU HAVEN'T.
>> James: I THINK THIS IS HOW YOU CAN GET INTO THE FRIEND
ZONE, IF I HAD CHRIS PRATT'S EMAIL WE WOULD BE BUDDIED UP BY
NOW.
>> COULD I JUST ASK, IS THIS GOING TO BE IN THE SHOW BEFORE I
EMAIL IT TO HER?
>> PART OF THE RISK.
>> James: WELL, SEND IT AND WE'LL SEE.
>> I MEAN IT'S READY TO SEND.
>> James: LITTLE DRUM ROLL G.
>> IT JUST WENT.
>> James: SEND?
(APPLAUSE) >> YOU'VE SENT MAIL.
>> James: I THINK THIS IS A STRT.
I THINK THIS IS A START OF A BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP, I REALLY,
REALLY DO.
>> IT MIGHT HAPPEN.
>> James: NOW LOOK, I'VE ENJOYED THIS CHAT, I HAVE.
I HAVE ENJOYED IT A LOT.
DID IT INFORM THE AMERICAN PUBLIC, NO.
HAVE WE STRENGTHENED DEMOCRACY BY SHINING A LIGHT AT KEY WORLD
EVENTS?
NO.
SO LET'S DO THAT NOW, AND LEAP INTO THE BIGGEST, MOST ESSENTIAL
NEWS STORIES OF THE DAY.
PRESIDENT BIDEN'S DOG, MAJOR, IS BACK AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
YOU REMEMBER HOW THERE WAS A BITING INCIDENT A COUPLE OF
WEEKS AGO, SO THE DOG WAS SENT AWAY?
WELL, MAJOR HAS RECEIVED ADDITIONAL TRAINING AND IS NOW
BACK WITH THE BIDENS.
UNFORTUNATELY, IT WAS TRAINING WITH SEAL TEAM SIX, AND NOW HE'S
ACTUALLY MORE DANGEROUS THAN BEFORE.
BEEN A TOUGH COUPLE OF WEEKS, HE HAD TO GO THROUGH ADDITIONAL
TRAINING THEN A NASTY CONFIRMATION BATTLE IN THE
SENATE.
>> OH.
>> James: HANG ON.
>> GOT A PATTI LUPONE.
>> James: NO!
OH, OH MY GOD!
MI SO-- THAT WAS LIGHTNING FAST.
WHAT-- WHAT DOES IT SAY.
>> IT JUST SAID OH WOW, I SHALL WATCH.
THANK YOU.
>> James: OKAY, NOW LET'S CONSTRUCT THE REPLY.
>> NO, THIS IS WHERE IT ENDS, PLEASE.
THIS IS TORTURE.
>> James: DOES PATTI LUPONE EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE.
>> NO, WE'VE NEVER MET IN PERSON.
>> James: THEN I THINK IT'S A SELFIE.
I THINK IT'S A SELFIE.
>> I CAN'T, I CAN'T.
>> James: HERE IS WHAT YOU DO, TURN AROUND WITH THE CAMERA, SO
I AM IN THE BACKGROUND.
I WILL BE LIKE, THIS AND YOU WILL BE LIKE THUMBS UP, BE LIKE
WE'RE SHOOTING NOW, EVERYONE HERE LOVES YOU.
PS, BRUNCH?
>> YEAH.
>> James: PLEASE OBSERVE COVID PROTOCOLS.
>> MAKE SURE THAT YOU CAN SEE JAMES IN THE BACKGROUND.
>> James: DAVE, I WANT YOU TO GIVE A THUMBS UP.
THAT'S IT.
OKAY.
GREAT, NOW SEND THAT BACK AND PUT-- AND PUT-- COME ON, SHE
REPLIED QUICK.
REPLY BACK.
NEXT TIME YOU ARE IN L.A., THREE OF US, BRUNCH.
>> NO, NO, I CAN'T, PLEASE.
>> James: DAVE, WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE BEST FRIENDS WITH
PATTI LUPONE.
SHE'S REPLIED TO YOU.
>> I HAVE ENJOYED EVERY DAY SITING ON THIS STAGE LAUGHING
AT THE MONOLOGUE UP UNTIL TODAY.
>> James: COME ON.
SHE'S WATCHING, DAVE.
>> HIS EYES ARE SO PLEADING TO ME.
HE JUST WANTS ME TO GET HIM OUT OF THERE.
>> James: ROB, YOU ARE THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER OF THE SHOW,
WHAT SHOULD DAVE DO.
>> 100 PERCENT INVITE PATTI LUPONE TO BRUNCH.
>> WITH JAMES ESPECIALLY.
>> James: I THINK THIS SU AND PATTI.
I DON'T WANT TO ENCROACH.
JUST SEND BACK.
>> WHAT I WILL DO, I WILL MAKE SURE SHE WATCHES TONIGHT AND
THEN TOMORROW.
>> James: NO, REPLY NOW.
>> AND I WILL SAY BRUNCH QUESTION MARK.
>> James: THIS ISN'T A TWO DAY HANG OVER.
LIKE COME ON.
>> YOU HAVE TO SEND THE PHOTO.
>> James: I WILL SEND THE PHOTO AND JUST PUT I LOVE YOU SO
MUCH IT HURTS.
GRUS SAY SOMETHING BACK LIKE YOU'RE THE GREATEST.
DAVE.
AND THEN JUST BRUNCH.
>> I CAN'T ASK HER TO BRUNCH.
IT'S TOO-- Z IT'S TOO HUM IL YAITING.
>> James: OKAY, DINNER.
I THINK, CAN I TELLYOU WHAT I THINK HAPPENS?
I THINK AFTER THIS GEESE OUT, IT IS-- .
>> ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
>> James: WE JUST CUT ALL REFERENCE TO PATTI LUPONE, SHE
IS NEVER MENTIONED IN THE SHOW AND SHE IS LIKE THIS GUY IS SO
WEESHED.
>> PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T DO THAT.
>> James: I THINK THIS STAYS IN, WE WILL DO THAT, WE WILL SEE
YOU, AND I THINK BY THIS TIME TOMORROW PATTI LUPONE HAS
INVITED YOU TO BRUNCH.
>> I CAN'T, I CAN'T DO T I CAN'T BRING MYSELF TO DO IT.
>> James: WHAT DOES IT SAY.
>> YOU ARE THE GREATEST AND THE PHOTO.
>> James: YOU ARE THE GREATEST.
OKAY, SEND IT.
>> GONE.
>> James: IT'S GONE, THAT'S IT.
(APPLAUSE).
>> James: OKAY, WE'VE GOT SOME DIFFICULT NEWS FOR COFFEE
DRINKERS.
COFFEE PRICES ARE ABOUT TO SURGE BECAUSE THE WORLD IS FACING A
SEVERE COFFEE SHORTAGE.
IT COULD BE TRAGIC, THOSE PEOPLE WITH THE MUGS THAT SAY DON'T
EVEN TALK TO ME UNTIL I HAVE MY COFFEE, WE MIGHT NEVER SPEAK TO
THEM AGAIN A SEVERE COFFEE SHORTAGE BUT MOUNTAIN DEW CODE
RED STILL AVAILABLE EVERYBODY.
CHILL VIBES ARE SOLD, BABY.
>> I'M NOT SURE-- NOW IT WILL BE EVEN HARDER TO CONVINCE YOUR
COWORKERS WHEN YOU'RE ON ZOOM THAT THERE ISN'T ONE ON YOUR
COFFEE MULG, OH THIS IS JUST COFFEE, AND THEY ARE LIKE I
HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO FIND COFFEE ANYWHERE, IT IS COFFEE, IT IS
COFFEE!
IAN WHAT WOULD YOU FREAK ABOUT IF THERE WAS A SHORTAGE.
>> THIS HAPPENED T WAS GRAPE NUTS.
>> James: RIGHT.
>> I AM ONE OF THE PEOPLE THAT LOVE GRAPE NUTS AND A THERE WAS
A WORLDWIDE SHORTAGE OF GRAPE NUTS AND I COULDN'T GET GRAPE
NUTS.
>> James: WHY.
>> I DON'T KNOW.
>> James: GOOD CHAT.
>> YEAH.
>> James: WHAT WOULD YOU SUFFER IF THERE WAS A WORLDWIDE
SHORTAGE OF SOMETHING, REG?
>> EITHER FOUR LOCO OR GLIMA.
>> James: WE'RE REALLY KILLING THESE CHATSK GUYS, WE'RE REALLY,
THANK 2K3W0D FOR PATTI LUPONE TONIGHT.
>> WHAT IS SOMETHING WHERE YOU WOULD BE UPSET.
>> YEAH, DAVE.
>> IF THERE WAS A GLOBAL SHORTAGE.
>> James: OBVIOUSLY, COFFEE, COFFEE IS THE ONE FOR ME.
>> BECAUSE OF THAT KEURIG THING, HUH?
>> James: NO.
(LAUGHTER) >> IT'S EITHER COFFEE OR THE
CHASE SAPHIRE CARD (LAUGHTER)
SWRZ HONESTLY, IF WE ARE TALKING HONESTLY, I WOULD BE MOST LOST
WITHOUT MY W-W APP.
, WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO-- WITHOUT IT.
ANY NEW, DAVE, ANY REPLY?
>> NOTHING.
>> James: CUZ YOU DIDN'T ASK A QUESTION.
>> YEAH.
>> James: NOW SEND.
>> NO, NO, NO SWRZ NO, DAVE, NOW SEND DID YOU GET THE PHOTO.
MAKE SURE IT WENT THROUGH.
>> NO, NO, NO.
>> James: WHY DO YOU NOT WANT TO OPEN THIS DIALOGUE.
>> I THINK WE HAVE DONE A LOT WITH PATTI LUPONE ON TONIGHT'S
MONOLOGUE.
I THINK WE CAN DO MORE STORIES.
>> I THINK PATTI IS SITTING THERE IDINA MENZEL AND ALAN
COMING LIKE WHAT DO I WRITE BACK, WHAT DO I WRITE BACK.
>> James: ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, AUDRA McDONALD IS
GOING, YOU'VE GOT TO REPLY.
AND SHE'S GOING NO, I DON'T WANT TO BE TOO.
>> SHE IS PROBABLY REALLY EXCITED, OH, THIS IS SO COOL,
THIS COOL YOUNG HIP DUDE WORKS FOR THE COOL SHOW.
SO EXCITED.
THAT THEY CARE ABOUT ME.
AND THEN ARE YOU JUST LIKE NO, I'M GOING TO WITHHOLD MY LOVE.
>> HE'S AFRAID OF SUCCESS.
>> James: YOU ARE ON FIRE TONIGHT, WHAT HAPPENED WHAT DID
YOU DO LAST NIGHT?
>> MY ANNIVERSARY TODAY, WITH MY WIFE.
>> James: OH, CONGRATS.
>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
>> James: CONGRATS.
>> LET'S GET THAT SALAD BOOTH OUT.
(LAUGHTER) .
>> James: THAT SALAD BOOTH, OH GOD.
THE WORST THING ABOUT THAT SALAD-- THE WORST THING ABOUT
THAT SALAD BOOTH IS IT WAS [BLEEP] REHEARSAL AND WE WERE
LIKE DO WE CUT IT?
WE'RE LIKE WELL NO HE HAS BUILT IT, IT IS REGGIE'S BIRTHDAY.
OH JEEZ.
>> IT'S ALL GOOD.
>> James: ALSO AMAZING THAT WE SAID REHEARSAL IT WAS REHEARSED
MULTIPLE TIMES, RIGHT, MIKE?
>> YEAH.
>> James: MULTIPLE TIMES AND THEN THEY STILL BOUGHT OUT
THE-- TOO EARLY.
OH, GOD.
>> JUST BRING IT OUT.
>> NO!
(LAUGHTER).
>> James: OH GOD.
OH GOD, I DON'T KNOW IF ANYONE IS WATCHING BUT I'M SO HAPPY,
I'M SO HAPPY WE GET TO DO THIS EVERY DAY.
I REALLY AM.
OH, GOD.
AND, WE WANTED TO TELL YOU ABOUT TWO MEN TRAVELING OUT OF AN
AIRPORT WERE QUESTIONED BY POLICE BECAUSE OF THEIR ODD HAIR
STYLES AND IT TURNS OUT THEY WERE SMUGGLING ALMOST 400,000 OF
GOLD AND CASH UNDERNEATH AND WE'RE NOT MAKING THIS UP,
UNDERNEATH THEIR TOUPEES, YES, OBVIOUSLY THE MEN WILL USE THE
MONEY TO PAY SOMEONE.
ACCEPT THAT JOKE FOR WHAT IT IS, IT IS A CRY FOR HELP THAT IS ALL
IT IS, A CRY FOR HELP IT REALLY WASN'T A GOOD PLAN.
IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY YOU COULD TELL SOMETHING WAS UP.
REG, REG, IF YOU WENT TOTALLY BALD, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
SHAVE IT, TOUPEE, COMB OVER, WHAT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
>> YOU KNOW, I WOULD PROBABLY GET LIKE A PROSTHETIC TEAM TO
MAKE A PERFECT MOLD OF MY HEAD AND THEN JUST MAKE REALLY TIGHT
SNAP-ON LEGO STYLE, SO I CAN SNAP ON DIFFERENT HAIR STYLES.
>> James: THAT'S A VERY GOOD IDEA.
>> YOU KNOW.
>> James: YOU SHOULD PATENT THAT.
>> I WILL.
>> James: LEGO HEAD.
>> OH YEAH, ROB, YOU THINK THAT MIGHT BE POSSIBLE?
>> James: WHAT WOULD YOU DO, IAN.
>> SHAVE, FULL, LIKE THE MALCOLM KOSHEDEN.
>> James: WHAT I LIKE TO CALL IT MALCOLM CORDEN HUNG IN THERE
AS LONG AS HE COULD, WHEN HIS HAIR WAS GOING, HE HAD THE
LITTLE, THE PHIL COLLINS, D YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
LIKE A SORT OF LANDING STIP ON THE TROP OF HIS HEAD, AND AS
SOON AS THAT WASN'T TOO-- HE WENT BANG, AND I RESPECT HIM FOR
IT.
THERE HE IS.
ABSOLUTE BEEF CAKE.
FINALLY WE WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT THIS, I COMPANY THAT OWNS
SEVERAL MAJOR FAST FOOD CHAINS WILL NOW ALLOW CUSTOMERS TO
ORDER FAD VIA TEXT MESSAGE, TEXT TO KFC, TACO BELL AND PIZZA HUT,
I MIGHT START SENDING TEXTS TO TACO BELL AND PIZZA HUT BUT WILL
STILL DO HANDWRITTEN LETTERS TO SHAKE SHACK BECAUSE THEY'RE
SPECIAL.
YOU CAN NOW TEST TEXT YOUR FAST FOOD ORDER, TEXT THE ITEMS YOU
WANT AND SAY I WOULD LIKE TO ORDER THREE
"I'D LIKE TO ORDER THREE STEAK SOFT TACOS, A SEVEN-LAYER
BURRITO, A NACHOS BELL GRANDE AND SIX CHICKEN QUESALUPAS."
AND THEN YOU GET AN AUTOMATED RESPONSE OF, "YOUR ORDER IS
CONFIRMED!
ALSO, WE'RE SORRY SHE LEFT.
SAD FACE."