I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND I'VE BEEN TALKING FOR ALMOST 10 SECONDS, SO DONALD TRUMP.
LIKE I JUST DOUBLED CNN'S RECORD.
A NEW POLL HAS 87% OF REPUBLICANS SUPPORTING TRUMP.
IT CAME OUT YESTERDAY.
THE OTHER 13% ARE CURRENTLY STANDING ON BRIDGES LOOKING
VACANTLY INTO THE DISTANCE.
87% IS PRETTY AMAZING.
HE IS SLOWLY UNIFYING THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.
ALL IT TOOK WAS NO OTHER OPTIONS.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THEN A FEW MORE WEEKS TO
MAKE SURE THERE WERE REALLY NO OTHER OPTIONS?
DID WE CHECK THE COUCH CUSHIONS?
TRUMP IS FOCUSED ON THE GENERAL, AND A NEW POLL SAYS THE MAJORITY
OF NEW JERSEY VOTERS DON'T WANT TO SEE CHRIS CHRISTIE BE TRUMP'S
VICE PRESIDENT.
ACTUALLY, A MAJORITY OF NEW JERSEY VOTERS DON'T WANT TO SEE
CHRIS CHRISTIE.
JUST GET HIM-- JUST GET HIM-- ( APPLAUSE )
BUT THE BIG STORY TODAY IS LAST NIGHT'S DEMOCRATIC PRIMARIES IN
OREGON AND KENTUCKY.
BERNIE WON OREGON.
NO SURPRISE THERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THERE YOU GO.
NO SURPRISE THERE.
IF YOU LOOK AT IT ON A MAP, OREGON IS PRETTY MUCH AS FAR
LEFT AS YOU CAN GET.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, IN KENTUCKY, HILLARY
CLINTON DECLARED VICTORY AFTER WINNING BY LESS THAN 1%.
SO THERE'S ANOTHER 1% FOR BERNIE TO BE MAD AT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THOUGH IN THE GREAT STATE OF KENTUCKY, BERNIE DID PUT UP A
GOOD FIGHT.
IT WAS A REAL LOUISVILLE SLUGGER-FEST.
A KENTUCKY FRIED BRAWL.
A TOTAL...
THIRD THING ABOUT KENTUCKY.
DERBY!
THEY'RE LIKE HORSES, AND ONE OF THEM WON.
I STILL GOT IT!
AND DESPITE BERNIE'S WIN LAST NIGHT, HILLARY ONLY NEEDS 90
MORE DELEGATES TO CLINCH THE NOMINATION, WHEREAS BERNIE NEEDS
MORE THAN 800.
MORE DELEGATES.
SO IF YOU DO THE ARITHMETIC, YOU DON'T WORK FOR THE SANDERS
CAMPAIGN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THEY'RE FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT.
WE GOTTA GIVE IT TO HIM.
YOU GOTTA GIVE IT TO THEM.
THEY'RE FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT.
THEY FEEL LIKE THEY'RE DOING THE RIGHT THING, AND BERNIE'S
STAYING IN THE RACE.
HE HAS GREAT, GREAT ENERGY.
AT HIS CALIFORNIA RALLY LAST NIGHT, HE DREW OVER 20,000
PEOPLE.
HE'S THE ONLY CANDIDATE WHO CAN FILL A BASEBALL STADIUM.
( APPLAUSE ) I MEAN-- EVEN BASEBALL CAN'T
FILL A BASEBALL STADIUM.
HILLARY FEELS LIKE-- HILLARY FOLLOWERS THINK HE SHOULD DROP
OUT, AND THE BERNIE PEOPLE FEEL THEY SHOULD STAY IN THEIR FOR
OWN BELIEFS AND THINGS ARE GETTING TENSE OUT THERE.
ANGRY BERNIE SUPPORTERS SHUT DOWN LAST SATURDAY'S NEVADA
STATE DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION.
THEY FELT HE WAS ROBBED OF TWO DELEGATES AND HIS FOLLOWERS
STARTING CHANTING "RECOUNT," AND THROWING CHAIRS.
OR AS THEY PUT IT "REDISTRIBUTING THE CHAIRS
EQUALLY TO EVERYONE'S SKULLS."
( APPLAUSE ) IS IT NE-VAUD-A.
OR NE-VAD-A.
NEVADA.
THEY STAYED FOR THREE HOURS HIS FOLLOWERS, AFTER THE
CONVENTION, AND THE VENUE HAD TO TURN OFF THE LIGHTS TO GET
BERNIE'S SUPPORTERS TO LEAVE.
HERE'S HOW THEY FELT ABOUT THAT.
>> (BLEEP)!
(BLEEP)!
>> Stephen: NOW, TO BE CLEAR, THAT WAS NOT A TRUCK BACKING UP.
( LAUGHTER ) WE HAD TO BLEEP WHAT THEY WERE
ACTUALLY CHANTING.
HOW CAN I DESCRIBE THIS?
LET'S JUST SAY THE INITIALS WERE "B.S." AND THEY DIDN'T STAND FOR
BERNIE SANDERS.
HERE'S THE THING: BERNIE'S PEOPLE HAVE DEEPLY HELD LIBERAL
BELIEFS, AND THEY'RE FEELING SO SHAFTED, THAT SOME HAVE BEGUN TO
PUSH BERNIE TO RUN AS A THIRD PARTY CANDIDATE.
HE'S NOW BEING COURTED BY THE GREEN PARTY TO JOIN THEIR
TICKET, WHICH DOES MAKE SENSE.
BECAUSE NOTHING'S MORE GREEN THAN RECYCLING AN OLD CANDIDATE.
IT'S IN THE SPIRIT.
IT'S IN THE SPIRIT OF THE THING.
SO NOW THOUSANDS OF DISAFFECTED BERNIE SUPPORTERS MAY BE FACED
WITH A CHOICE: GO TO THE GREEN PARTY OR BEGRUDGINGLY VOTE FOR
HILLARY.
JUST LIKE HILLARY SUPPORTERS DO.
( LAUGHTER ) EITHER WAY, THIS COULD SPLIT THE
DEMOCRATIC VOTE, WHICH HAS HAPPENED BEFORE WITH SERIOUS
CONSEQUENCES.
NOW, TO YOU YOUNGER SANDERS SUPPORTERS OUT THERE, I'D LIKE
TO READ YOU THE STORY OF A MAN NAMED RALPH NADER.
CAN I HAVE THAT PLEASE.
THIS IS OUR NEW BOOK.
IT'S CALLED, "SEE RALPH RUN."
( APPLAUSE ) AND IF YOU DON'T KNOW THE STORY,
IF YOU'RE TOO YOUNG TO KNOW THE STORY, THIS IS FOR YOU.
THIS IS A TALE YOU'RE TOO YOUNG TO REMEMBER.
IT BEGAN IN 2000, THE MONTH OF NOVEMBER.
YOUNG VOTERS DON'T KNOW ABOUT "BUSH VERSUS GORE."
BUT TRUST ME, THIS HAS ALL HAPPENED BEFORE.
HIS NAME WAS RALPH NADER, HE SPOKE FOR THE TREES.
HE PUT SEATBELTS IN CARS TO PREVENT SHATTERED KNEES.
HE LED THE GREEN PARTY.
HIS SPEECHES WERE SOARING.
AND HE TOOK VOTES FROM GORE.
MY GOD, GORE WAS BORING.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HE TOOK VOTES FROM FLORIDA!
HE TOOK VOTES FROM OHIO!
HE TOOK VOTES FROM SNEEDLE, AND WUMBUS, AND XYLO!
I KNOW THOSE AREN'T ACTUAL STATES.
BUT THERE WERE A LOT OF VOTING MACHINE IRREGULARITIES THAT
YEAR.
OKAY.
HE EVEN BAGGED THE ODD FLORIDA RESIDENT, AND THAT'S HOW GEORGE
W. BUSH BECAME PRESIDENT.
THANKS TO RALPH NADER, WHO GAVE IT HIS ALL, WE GOT CHENEY, WHOSE
HEART WAS THREE SIZES TOO SMALL.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO ONCE IN THAT BOOTH, VOTE YOUR
CONSCIENCE AND HEART.
GO WITH THE PERSON YOU'VE BACKED FROM THE START.
BUT THINK IT THROUGH CAREFULLY, DON'T PRESS YOUR LUCK.
BECAUSE, TRUST ME, 2000 WAS A REAL CLUSTER--
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
UNFORTUNATE EVENT.