You ever sing songs your whole life
just to find out you've
been singing the wrong words?
That's all of us.
(audience laughing)
And then there's songs that we know
99% of,
but there's that little, tiny piece
you can listen to it over and over
again and go, what the heck are--
right?
Almost every rock and roll song.
Who remembers
Creedence Clearwater
Revival in this group?
Anybody?
(audience cheering)
A great band.
Now, be honest, the first time
you heard there's
a bad moon on the rise--
- Yeah, bathroom.
- There's a bathroom on the right,
that's right.
We all thought that-- my son,
Stevie, he's 17, OK?
And he plays a decent guitar.
And I'm proud of him
because he doesn't know words
to stuff either, like his dad.
True story-- a couple of years
ago, he was like, "Dad, can you show
"me the chords to
"Baking Carrot Biscuits"?"
I'm like, I'd love to, if I knew
what the heck you're talking about.
He goes, "Dad, you used to play
"that song all the time."
I said, no, I didn't.
He goes,
♫ Baking carrot biscuits
♫ every day. ♫
I'm like, yeah, that's right.
(audience laughing)
Even going back to The Beatles,
right?
"Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds," OK?
Like I said, I'm 65.
I'm not going to Google this.
Because if I don't know this verse
by now, I never will.
But I think it goes like this--
♫ followed her down
♫ to a boat by the river,
♫ the girl with colitis goes by. ♫
What?
Who's she going with?
(audience laughing)
Some songs are just impossible,
like this one.
(guitar playing)
♫ She's got it, oh, baby,
♫ she's got it.
♫ Well, I'm your Venus,
♫ I'm your bottle of Worcestershire
♫ sauce.
(audience laughing)
♫ Just call me
♫ angel of the morning,
- ♫ Angel.
- ♫ Just brush my teeth
♫ before you leave me. ♫
(audience laughing)
He's still singing--
I like that.
That's funny.
(guitar playing)
♫ Slow-talking Walter--
what?
♫ Fire engine guy. ♫
(audience laughing)
I like Santana.
Anybody else like Santana?
(audience cheering)
So awesome.
First time I heard Santana,
it was, like, mesmerizing.
It was like--
(guitar playing)
It's like some Mexican guy
with Tourette's scared the crap out
of me.
(audience laughing)
But then it was cool again.
But it was in Spanish.
I had a band.
We didn't know Spanish.
We faked it.
It was like,
♫ oye como va--
(guitar playing)
♫ Philippe?
(audience laughing)
♫ Buenos dias, yeah.
♫ Ricardo Montalbán.
(audience laughing)
♫ Quiero Taco Bell.
(audience laughing)
♫ Got a black magic marker.
(audience laughing)
Could have been a first rough draft,
right?
Carlos Santana probably had
a black magic marker.
And he's writing,
it's like, ♫ got
♫ a black magic marker.
'Cause people don't just write a hit
song first time through.
They got rough drafts.
I did some research on that,
famous songs.
Here's a Van Morrison song.
You'll know the song.
But here is the first rough draft.
(guitar playing)
♫ With you,
♫ my one-eyed girl. ♫
She's like, shut up.
Oh, come on, that's funny.
(audience laughing)
Or was that politically incorrect,
too?
My first cousin's been blind
since birth.
Could you use the word blind
anymore?
(audience laughing)
Eye-sightless?
I-can't-see-ness?
(audience laughing)
He does more than most people do.
He goes skydiving.
Scares the crap out
of the seeing eye dog, but--
(audience laughing)
You guys are cruel.
(audience laughing)
First rough draft, The Beatles--
beautiful song.
First rough draft.
(guitar playing)
♫ When I find myself
♫ in times of trouble, Moe and Larry
♫ come to me. ♫
Who's Moe and Larry?
Thanks for laughing at that.
I remember the first time
I did that, I was on Princess
Cruises.
And it was a spring break.
I wasn't even aware.
It was a late night show
in the Princess Theater,
like 700 people.
The average age at that show
was between 16 and 20.
So should I leave it at that?
I sang Moe and Larry, and they just
stared at me.
(audience laughing)