(cheerful music)
- Hi there, welcome to my class.
I'm Brie Summers.
I like to call myself a multi-hyphenate,
because I'm not just your garden variety narcissist.
I'm also a Machiavellian sociopath
and best-selling author of
"How to Feel Better About Yourself
by Treating People Like (bleep)."
(chuckles)
(gentle music)
Now, earlier in life, I was lost.
I just didn't have the tools to be a total
and complete (bleep) 24/7, so I reprioritized my life,
and put in the work to become a full-time piece of (bleep).
- [Hugo] Oh my God.
- Damn it!
- What are you doing?
The sun's not even up.
It's 3:00 AM.
- I'm working, honey.
- Why would you work now?
- Because I'm successful.
- Okay.
Holy (bleep), baby, you wrote a book?
When did you do this?
Oh my God.
- I'll sign it for you.
- [Hugo] It's like 300 pages.
- What is it, Hugo?
- What do you mean, "What is it, Hugo?"
We've been married for months. - Here you go.
Go read it.
Give me a book report.
- Sure, and can you put my glasses back
when you're done with whatever this is?
Just 'cause you know I need my glasses to drive.
All right.
All right, I guess I'll read this.
- So buckle up and get ready
for a master class in psychiological warfare.
The key is to start small,
so our first lesson is gonna be on romantic entanglements,
one of the easiest relationships to irreparably damage.
Let's get started.
(cheerful music)
Nice-o's will say first dates are
about getting to know someone.
"Listen," they say.
"Ask questions," they say.
Well, they're wrong.
First dates are for you to shine
by hijacking the conversation and making it all about you.
- So basically, at the end of the film,
you find out that he's been a ghost the entire time.
It was like one of the biggest twist endings in history.
- The boy's dead or the dad's dead?
- Do you not know?
Have you not seen it before?
- No, but I feel like I have,
since you're such an evocative storyteller.
- [Brie] Grace is off to a great start,
but we can do even better.
First dates are also the perfect occasion to create a new,
more impressive persona.
- For me, I got to say my favorite band is Hidden Empire.
I mean, their production value is insane.
- The guy who raised me, "Dad,"
technically engineered their entire discography.
- Shut the (bleep) up.
Are you kidding me?
- No.
Why would I kid about something like that?
- [Brie] That was really impressive.
Finally, a true jerk ends the first date
by leaving their potential life partner with a sense
of uncertainty, and whether or not there's chemistry,
you should never be direct about how you feel.
- If you ever wanna hang out again, I'd really like to.
- Cool.
I'm happy you feel that way.
We'll see.
- [Brie] Great work, Grace.
That was very unclear,
and will be sure to give Kevin paralyzing anxiety,
but what happens when the relationship escalates
to the point of cohabitation?
Living with your significant other is a special kind of war,
with many important battlegrounds.
Grace and Kevin's future home is no exception.
Let's look at a few.
Streaming cue, the thermostat, the good chair, the dishes,
the bed, and the trash.
Here are some ground rules.
Let's watch Grace as she controls
her preferred seating space
by talking loudly to her ex-boyfriend on video chat.
- Wait, no.
I remember it was definitely 1998,
because that was the year I killed the family dog.
- [Brie] It's not quite enough of a transgression
for Kevin to bring anything up, and at this point,
he probably knows Grace would be ready
with a sharp response,
so he just makes an excuse to leave the room.
- I'm gonna go call my parents and cry.
- Have fun, babe.
I'm not here if they ask for me.
- [Brie] Got the good chair, nice.
Here in the dining room,
they discuss delivery options for dinner.
- Hey, what do you want for dinner?
- I'm up for anything, whatever you want.
- I can do Chariot of Chicken.
- Hmm, their delivery guy smells like eggs,
and I always get kind of a haunted vibe there,
not in a fun way.
- What about that taqueria?
- Didn't their delivery guy kill himself?
- How about House of Shrimps?
- Mm-mm.
They don't cut the poop out.
- [Brie] Notice she says she'll eat anything,
so he has to come up with ideas.
Then she nixes all his ideas,
and doesn't make any of her own.
- Goddamn it!
- [Brie] If she's mastered this technique,
it should be effective for her in the living room as well.
- Big Trucks 3D has been on my list.
- I heard the trucks weren't even really that big.
- [Brie] Wow, what a gap fly.
The bed is the relationship's most important battleground,
because you have sex on there.
Be a jerk by keeping your partner away or awake.
To keep them away, assume a diagonal position,
forcing them out of the bed, and onto the shitty couch.
To keep them awake, start a conversation,
but hold back your true feelings, and of course,
as soon as they've finally fallen asleep before a big day.
- Kev, why are you following
a girl named Madison on Instagram?
- Now you know the basic techniques
for being the jerk in a relationship.
Use them, and you can end up like me,
happily married for many months.
(laughs)
What, are you not happy in this marriage, Hugo?
- You really want to have this conversation right now?
- No.
I really don't care.
(cheerful music)