>> Stephen: SPEAKING OF ENVIRONMENTAL DISASTERS, DONALD
TRUMP GOT RID OF EPA DIRECTOR AND MAN WHO TURNED DOWN HELP AT
LENS CRAFT EVERS-- CRAFTERS SCOTT PRUITT.
PRUITT IS JUST THE LATEST OFFICIAL THAT THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION HAS EXCRETED, IN A LITTLE OVER A YEAR THEY HAVE
LOST GARY COHN, HOPE HICKS, ROB PORTER OMAROSA, TOM PRIES, STEVE
BANNON, REINCE PRIEBUS, SEAN SPIESESSER, AN ANTHONY
SCARAMUCCI, SEBASTIAN GORKA MICHAEL FLYNN, DR. RONNY JACKSON
AND REX TILLERSON.
SO MANY PEOPLE THAT WE SNUCK IN WILFORD BRIMLEY AND YOU DIDN'T
EVEN NOTICE.
RIGHT THERE.
HEY,-- FOR THOSE OF US IN THE MEDIA, THIS ONGOING STAFF PURGE
IS -- IS AMAZING TO WATCH.
IT'S LIKE A FORM OF BLOOD SUPPORT.
WE EVER WE'RE RIFFITY-- RIVETTED IT IS LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF THE
HUNGER GAMES.
NO, WAIT!
IT IS THE HUNGARY TO LEAVE POWER GAMES.
-- HUNGRY TO LEAVE POWER GAMES.
YES, HELLO!
WELCOME.
WELCOME CITIZENS, ONE AND ALL TO THE HUNGRY TO LEAVE POWER GAMES!
OH, HMMMM, SOMEONE IS GETTING ERASED.
COME CALIGULA.
COME BOY, YES, YES, DOWN, DOWN.
TONIGHT, CITIZENS, WE HONOR EPA HEAD SCOTT PRUITT.
A MAN WHOSE ONLY FLAW WAS BEING TERRIBLE.
(LAUGHTER) S AHEAD OF THE EPA PRUITT HAD A
PASSION FOR PROTECTING OUR NATION'S FRAGILE INDUSTRIALISTS.
EARLY ON HE MET PRIVATELY WITH THE CEO OF DOW CHEMICAL
WHEREUPON HE DECIDED TO APPROVE CHORPYRIFOS, THE PESTICIDE THAT
HEALTH STUDIES SHOWED CAN HARM CHILDREN'S BRAINS, WHICH IS NOT
EVIL, ACCORDING TO ANYONE WHO HAS BEEN HUFFING CHORPYRIFOS.
(LAUGHTER) DO WE HAVE, DO WE HAVE-- YES,
HMMMM, HMMMM, HMMMM, HMMMM.
HMMMM, HMMMM, YES, I CAN REALLY SMELL THE, I CAN'T READ.
(LAUGHTER) OH, WOW, DO YOU KNOW IT IS
IMPORTANT, IF ARE YOU GOING TO SPRAY YOURSELF IN THE FACE WITH
A MIST.
TAKE OFF YOUR GLASSES.
THAT'S THE KEY.
(APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: AHA!, THIS IS WHY, THIS IS IS WHY YOU DO THIS
[BLEEP] IN REHEARSAL.
HMMMM, I CAN FEEL THE BRAIN DAMAGE ALREADY.
(LAUGHTER) THEN, THEN CITIZENS, THEN, NO,
NO, NO, NO, ARE YOU ON THE WAGON.
NOW THEN SCOTTY SPENT MILLIONS OF TAXPAYER CASH ON SECURITY,
FIRST CLASS TRAVEL INCLUDING UNNECESSARY TRIPS TO ITALY AND
MORE OAKO NOT TO MENTION SPENDING $1500 ON 12 CUSTOMIZED
FOUNTAIN PENS FROM A JEWELRY STORE, PRICEY, YES.
BUT YOU NEED ONLY THE FINEST PEN WHEN THIS IS YOUR SIGNATURE.
IS IT ME OR DOES THAT LOOK LIKE SCOTT PENIS?
YES.
(APPLAUSE) IT IS LIKE DEEP DOWN HE KNOWS
HE'S A DICK.
HA HA.
IT'S A CRY FOR HELP!
(LAUGHTER) NOW ARE THEY-- NOPE, STILL NO,
ALL RIGHT.
PRUITT, PRUITT ALSO BOUGHT A 4 3,000 DOLLAR SOUND PROOF PHONE
BOOTH.
I GET TRK WE ALL HAVE TO MAKE EMBARRASSING PHONE CALLS TO OUR
DOCTORS.
HELLO?
HELLO, THIS IS SCOTT PENIS, I'VE GOT A BURNING RASH ON MY PRUITT.
(LAUGHTER) SCOTT, SCOTT ALSO HAD HIS
SECURITY DETAIL RUN ERRANDS FOR HIM INCLUDING PICKING UP HIS DRY
CLEANING AND TAKING HIM IN SEARCH OF HIS FAVORITE
MOISTURIZING LOTIONS AT THE RITZ CARLTON.
GETTING A HOTEL ROOM FOR THE MOISTURIZER IS LIKE HAVING A
BABY SO PEOPLE WILL GIVE YOU FREE SOCKS.
DOESN'T HE KNOW THEY JUST FILL UP THOSE LITTLE BOTTLES FROM A
BIG LOTION JUG.
GRAB THE JUG AND RUN, SCOTT, RUN!
(LAUGHTER) BUT PRUITT WASN'T JUST IN THIS
FOR HIMSELF.
NO, BECAUSE HE USED HIS POSITION TO TRY TO GET A CHICK-FILL-A
FRANCHISE FOR HIS WIFE WHICH REMINDED ME, ANDRO!
(LAUGHTER) ANDRO, THIS IS ANDRO MY
TONGUELESS MAN SERVANT.
ANDRO, ANDRO!
SAD NEWS.
I WAS UNABLE TO SECURE YOU A CARL'S, JR. FRANCHISE.
DON'T CRY, SHHH.
SHHH, NO, SHHH.
BUT DID YOU GO BY THE ARBY'S AND GRAND ME A HANDFUL OF THEIR
DELICIOUS HORSY LOTIONS?
OH YES, OH GOOD, YES, GOT TO STAY MOIST, MUST MOISTURIZE.
OH YES.
HMMMM, HMMMM, HMMMM.
HMMMM HMMMM.
YES, HMMMM, HMMMM, STAY FOCUSED.
STAY FOCUSED.
DON'T YOU LOOK AT ME.
DON'T YOU LOOK AT ME!
DON'T YOU LOOK-- SHHH.
YES, QUICKLY NOW.
GO, GO, I WILL GIVE YOU A 20 MINUTE HEAD START NO EDGE
WEAPONS.
AGAIN, THERE IS A REASON WHY YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO USE THESE IN
REHEARSAL.
(LAUGHTER) DEFERL IMPROVED THE SMELL.
UNFORTUNATELY PRUITT WAS FORCED TO RESIGN LAST WEEK AFTER THE
NEWS CAME OUT THAT EARLIER THIS YEAR PRUITT DIRECTLY APPEALED TO
PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP TO FIRE ATTORNEY GENERAL JEFF SESSIONS
AND LET PRUITT RUN THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE INSTEAD.
I'M SO SORRY, SCOTTMENT CAN I ONLY IMAGINE HOW GREAT THEIR
PENS WERE.
BUT FREUITY-- PRUITT WAS EVER GRACIOUS IN DEFEAT WRITING IN
HIS RESIGNATION LETTER TO PRESIDENT TRUMP MY DESIRE AND
SERVICE TO YOU HAS ALWAYS BEEN TO BLESS YOU.
I BELIEVE YOU'RE SERVING AS PRESIDENT TODAY BECAUSE OF GOD'S
PROVIDENCE.
I PRAY AS I HAVE SERVED YOU, THAT I HAVE BLESSED YOU.
YOU MUST ADMIRE A MAN WHOSE WILLING TO PUCKER UP AND SMOOCH
THE OLD BLESS-HOLE.
(LAUGHTER) [BLEEP] NOW IT'S TIME TO BID
SECRETARY PREUITY A SYMBOLIC FAREWELL.
WE WILL SEND HIM DOWN THE TOXIC RIVER IN HIS VERY OWN SOUND
PROOF BOOTH.
THERE YOU GO.
GOOD-BYE, SCOTT.
THERE YOU ARE, IN YOUR BOOTH.
THERE YOU GO.
OF COURSE WITH A GENEROUS-- THERE YOU GO.
THERE YOU GO.
HAVE SOME OF THAT.
THERE YOU GO.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THERE YOU GO.
THERE YOU GO.
THERE YOU GO, THERE YOU GO.
THERE.
ININSIDE PRUITT WILL FOREVER BE SERENADED BY SIMON AND GAR FUNK
HE'LL THE SOUND OF SILENCE.
JIMMY, TURN IT ON.
OF COURSE YOU CAN'T HEAR IT.
CUZ IT'S A SOUND PROOF BOOTH.
YOU COULDN'T BELIEVE HOW MUCH MONEY WE WASTED ON THAT SONG.
NOW-- (APPLAUSE)
LET US BID FAIRWELL TO THE FALLEN.
♪ (LAUGHTER).
♪ (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: GOOD-BYE SCOTT PRUITT, AND REMEMBER TO STAY
MOISTURIZED IN HELL.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH GORDON RAMSAY.