I'm learning what kind of favors I won't do
for friends anymore.
Like, I had to go see a friend in a play recently.
Ooh.
Maybe you guys can help me out with this.
Why is live theater still happening?
Do we know? Does anyone know?
We've given it a shot. We could probably wrap it up on plays, right?
We could call it a day.
I think we did it.
There were probably Greek guys at the back of the amphitheater
2,000 years ago, just like,
"I'm just here to support Tyreseus.
This is brutal! Oh, ho, ho!
Ugh! Bring out the God machine! Let's go!
Oh! Sundial. Let's go!"
There is something that I love about theater,
which is there's a sound
that people in the audience of a play make
to let the people around them know
that they get the play.
And it sounds like, "Ohh."
If you go to a play, you'll hear it,
like people eating popcorn.
"Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!"
( mutters )
Like, I went and saw the play "Doubt,"
and the very final scene,
the one nun turns to the other nun
and says, "I have such doubt!"
And the woman sitting next to me went, "Ohh."
And I know she meant that noise as like,
"Oh, all the dramatic themes swirling together
into one dénouement!"
But I choose to interpret her noise as,
"Oh, that's the title of this play!
Good! I thought I was at the wrong play!"
Say it at the beginning. Do those--
Say it at the top.
I think part of what's bad about plays is actors.
- I think actors-- - ( laughter )
Actors are wrong, I think.
Recently I was in a coffee shop
and an actor was working on his laptop next to me,
and I know he was an actor because he turned to me
and asked, "Hey, how do you spell 'starring?'
As in 'starring in a film'?"
I was like, that's the weirdest brag ever.
Like, "Yeah, I'm illiterate,
but things are going pretty good.
I mean...
I'm 'staring' in a film, so...
you tell me."
So I spelled it for him.
He thanked me, went back to work.
A few more minutes went by.
He looked up again, he said, "What about 'prostitute'?
How do you spell that?"
It's like I look down for two seconds,
your career did a huge 180. What happened?
He saw the look on my face, I think.
He felt the need to clarify. He's like, "No, no, no.
I'm starring in a film as a prostitute."
I was like, "Really?
Is that what somebody told you?"
Just, "Hey, kid, you wanna star in a film?"
"I can't read."
"No problem! No reading required.
It's not that kind of movie. Don't worry."
I did figure out this year, I think,
what my absolute favorite genre of movie is,
and it's pretty specific.
But I think my all-time favorite movie genre
is biopics of 1960s soul singers,
and I can tell by your thunderous applause that you agree.
We're all on board.
I'll see any movie that fits in that category.
Like, these are movies like "Ray,"
or that James Brown piece of shit that came out a little while ago.
I'll see 'em all and I'll love 'em.
And I think it's because all these movies
have the same character,
a character that I believe
to be the role I was born to play.
Which is the skeptical white record executive...
...who for some reason
doubts the talents of, uh, Ray Charles.
He's on the wrong side of history in this one.
But he always has the same scene in all of these movies.
It's like 20 minutes in, and they're in the studio,
and they're listening to an early demo,
and it sounds great, and everyone's jamming on it.
And then the executive goes over and turns it off.
And he's like, "I'm sorry. White kids aren't ready
to listen to this kind of music! Come on!
I mean, it's sexual.
It's got a driving rhythmic beat.
It makes you wanna dance. Who's gonna buy this record?
And you want to put this song in a television advertisement
for what was it, Coca-Cola?
White kids aren't ready to drink Coca-Cola, come on!
It's bubbly and sugary and flavorful.
Who's gonna buy this soda?
And you want this whole deal to be negotiated by who, by me?
White kids aren't ready to listen to me, man.
I'm out of touch. I'm behind the times.
I have an amphetamine problem. I don't even work here."
( laughter, applause )
That was less of a joke and more of an audition tape.
If anyone's casting the Otis Redding story, let me know.