G'day, A.J. Mahari here can you really love a borderline enough
will they ever really trust you do you feel like somehow you're the bad guy or
a bad person because no matter how much you give they just keep on not trusting
you they just keep on not believing you they just keep on thinking that you're
lying to them cuz people with BPD until unless I would say the amount of
treatment that it takes to almost fully recover significant long-term term
treatment unless that and then and that doesn't usually save relationships but
people DPD feel unworthy whether they're aware of it or not they feel unworthy
they feel like they don't deserve love they don't have that self preference or
self cohesion I've been talking about they have an absence of self not just a
stable unstable sense of identity but they're seeking identity through you
how can that ever really work and so what happens for people with DP is they
really just don't know how to trust you because it takes having a self to be
able to trust others it takes a reference for self and an own sense of
self to be able to trust self like so develop Worth and self-esteem
heal shame and abandonment wounds shame wounds are the kind of wounding
especially in childhood that tell a child you know people deeply grow up
with the idea I am bad not I did something bad or it could have done some
it but I am that so the more that you're kind the more love that you give the
more that you were there for the person with BPD the more you prove yourself the
more you put up with like put up with actually our stressed out by are trying
to always calm them down about the fact that you aren't cheating
on them you're not going anywhere you do love them because they simply can't
believe it and the other thing is they will always people with BPD will always
let you show them how much you love them and they will always shouldn't say
always but most of them aren't more of the time then not shoot it down right do
the push pull push you away because they want to be loved but you're lacking that
sense of self and what does that mean well their love the love that they're
looking for you can't possibly no matter what you give how much you sacrifice it
abandon yourself it over give and over give and argue and go around those
cycles of trying to get them to understand or trying to speak a logic to
their highly dysregulated triggered emotion often they will let you because
they want to be loved they will let you work at it work at it and try and try
and try try but they don't believe they're worthy of it on some really deep
subconscious level and so with that the other aspect of this is they want to
love but why is it that aside from the trust and the lack of self why is it
that your love can never be good enough or enough for an untreated or not super
well treated for lack of a better way to put it president BPD your love hmm can
never be enough because subconsciously subconsciously they are seeking the love
of the wounding parent that didn't give them love or the wounding parent that
they perceive in 25% of the cases that didn't love them and so you then take on
the object other parent representation in devaluation of you know you're not
doing it rates not good enough like don't trust you you know it sort
like there this is subconscious but it's almost like people with BPD are saying I
dare you to love me enough go ahead it's not enough it's never enough I want it I
don't want it right to push the pole the approach avoidance so can you really
love somebody with BPD well enough you love somebody to be peeing up no and
that's not about you because the more you give the kind of you are the more
they fear engulfment more with engulfment beer they feel controlled the
more they push away or ghost or you know go around the cycles the more they
devalue and once they devalue or devalue often they're not coming back to
realizing it's really important to know that as well so I just want to say can
you love a person with BPD well you can love them but then the other part of
this is who are you loving exactly because they don't know who they are and
then you're gonna at some point or other and you may well have already realized
that the person you are with her were with with BPD you know isn't who you
thought they were isn't who you thought you were falling in love with it's like
I mentioned in my video the borderline siren song it's it's all just too good
to be true it's tragic it's tragic for the people at BPD it's tragic for
partners loved ones or in any other relationship type you know the favorite
person the siblings you know friends etc it's like these people just can't accept
being accepted because they feel unacceptable until unless a whole lot of
significant treatment getting closer to recovery than not right then being back
at Ground Zero or as I've said before in the active throes of BPD but I just want
to add in here you know people with BPD they have capacity for empathy but
they're often focused on themselves because they're in such a protective
mode against pain that's triggered inside
that isn't your fault it's triggers back to what happened to them in childhood
for what was perceived to have happened to them in childhood in 25% of cases and
so they just can't they don't understand where their pain is coming from when
they're overwhelmed by triggered you know emotional dysregulation that can
include age regression at times but you know so so they have empathy at times
but they're so busy trying to survive for lack of a better way to put it
emotionally because they haven't arrested emotional so therefore they
have lack of self and everything is about survival from the moment that
happened on much to the not so much awareness of people with BPD so they can
have the capacity for empathy and they are capable of empathy like anybody that
goes through BPD recovery and really gets the kind of treatment it takes to
get recovered from BPD to grow and to recover from BPD will have empathy it's
not like it's gone or lost or totally absent and there there there is about 10
people 10 10 10 people yeah weird it was all about 10% of all those diagnosed
with BPD can be more severely impacted which can mean a lot of different things
but it can mean that there are some people out there with BPD that really so
many have a capacity for empathy but they're really not able to be empathic
very often if at all and this is where then you get a lot of people who are the
axis of BPD saying you know well hey there they're just sociopathic you know
they have no empathy and they well they're gonna fail you in empathy yes
because they were failed in empathy and when they get triggered everything
changes so even when that person that you fell in love but it's kind of
seemingly there sometimes well when they get triggered
no I mean again they're going to the this lack of self and the pain is
associated with that and they don't have the awareness of why and so they'll put
it on to you that it's your fault that you don't project it out onto you and
then you're feeling bad and you're doing all you can do and you're doing more and
so loving a person with BPD you you fall in love with somebody who you think they
are and essentially you're falling in love with someone who doesn't exist and
then you're realizing that at some point it's still really hard to wrap your head
around it though and so can you love a borderline well I
guess the answer to be really honest would be yes and no you can really feel
love for them you could feel in love with them whereas a friend or a family
member you could love them but they don't feel worthy of the love that they
most want and yes they deserve but if they don't go to treatment if they don't
go through this process of finding so and doing the really hard and it is
difficult work but it is doable you know to find self and to grow that lost self
up so to speak through therapy and that process it unless and until they do that
and and even if they want to do that now and you're in a relationship or you have
been or it's on op again and you're so loving them and you're still you know
maybe not accepting the relationship is over and struggling with that because of
hoover's or bieber's hoover's in contact and they not holding no contact people
of btv can't really be so compellingly in some ways vulnerable but often the
opposite because of protecting i really wounded in damage vulnerability that
becomes just something that they can't feel or be with because it's intolerable
to them and it takes them back it triggers them
back to the original quote wound of abandonment and the attachment
difficulties and the loss of self so they they will always give you the
opportunity to provide a vehicle for their identity and they don't do that
consciously and equally is unconsciously they will let you try to prove your love
but they will never trust it because you don't have a self from which to trust it
and they don't when they're experiencing something they don't see what you're
going through or how their own feelings about themselves which they might not
understand that's what's happening but they don't see how that leaves them
feeling like everything they want just feels like they don't deserve it and it
couldn't possibly happen for them very negative very wounded very damaged place
that most people DP are in and so you can love them but essentially you're not
really loving them even though you're trying to and it can never be good
enough because they really need a parents love that they didn't get that
they lost themselves to it's a pretty bleak situation for most people in most
relationships or other relationship types close to somebody with BPD because
so many of these people such a high percentage people with BPD will even if
they seek treatment they'll quit something will go wrong so I'm always
there total fault or anything but they just
won't get where they need to go or it's too painful or too scary or too
difficult so you can love somebody with BPD but then you have to ask yourself
who am i loving after they excuse me who is this person
I don't know and then you have these feelings and then what keeps people
stuck for so long whether you're an ex or you're somebody who's struggling with
the idea that not the idea but the knowing that you need to break up with
someone or get a divorce from someone that you loved and then you just you
feel like you're abandoning them and yet if people don't abandon them it's not
really abandonment but if you don't choose yourself and take care of
yourself when you're already in a parent role with a friend favorite person any
relationship type or partner with BPD or an ex you end up in the parent role now
crazy bug here you end up in the parent role and when people are in significant
other relationships even friendships even whatever favorite person really
means to people BPD you know you're not their parent and so then you're not
seeing you're not heard but did all of this and the compromise to empathy or
the the inability to express empathy for you because they're so busy just trying
to survive which yes that can look very self-absorbed and that can be very
hurtful but it's not that they're sociopathic or psychopathic at all and
so many people just make these comments and videos and write on blogs and stuff
so Cavalier just you know hey couldn't couldn't do this for me couldn't do that
couldn't you know but like so oh yeah she was really sociopathic when when he
or she you know she did this or he did that and all they had this funny look on
their face and you know at the end of the day whether that's what you believe
or not it's not really true of them but what is true of people with BPD is that
no matter how much you love them they can't trust it and they can't
reciprocate it and have this bug playing around here so you can love somebody
with BPD but you can't really and it's tragic for everybody and painful for
everybody involved and so what you really need to know is you need to take
care of yourself and you need to look at the reality if
you're an ex that you know are you still from you're codependent place of you
know whining is to work out so bad are you so fighting for this love or the
ability to love them the them that you don't even know who they are because
that is part of codependency and self-sacrifice and you're also
externalizing something subconscious subconsciously on to the personal dpe in
a different way than they do that to you you're you're actually fighting for
something else to work out that is your willingness from childhood even more so
than a current relationship or if you're the ex of somebody with BPD so anyway
there's my best answer to as somebody who recovered from borderline
personalities or over 30 years ago now you can love them but you can't really
because you don't know who they are and they don't know how to trust you love
take care