-Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
You're here. [ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you for watching.
Well, guys, I guess President Biden
drank a Red Bull last night. [ Laughter ]
Did you guys see the State of the Union?
Last night, Biden delivered his annual address to the nation,
and he was pumped!
[ Laughter ] He was pumped!
Actually, it wasn't Red Bull he was drinking.
Apparently, he was on a new supplement called Meth-a-mucil.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, Biden was amped up. He was like, "If this is it,
I'm gonna go out Tony Montana style" --
"Say hello to my little friend!
Say hello to my little friend Cornpop!"
[ Laughter ]
But now some Republicans are saying Biden was too energetic.
[ Laughter ]
They might be on to something, because, today,
the President ziplined into the Rose Garden
and said he's gonna -- [ Laughter ]
He said he's gonna fight Mike Tyson.
I don't know what he's talking --
I don't know what he's talking about.
A lot of people seem to love a fired-up Joe Biden,
because fired-up Joe is so different from regular Joe.
[ Laughter ]
For instance, though, regular Joe takes his pills
with a glass of water... [ Laughter ]
...while fired-up Joe throws them back
with a shot of gasoline,
then swallows a lit match.
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
Pkk!
Wow.
See what I mean? Now, next up, regular Joe
listens to the Irish Tenors on his record player
while fired-up Joe duct tapes two Bose speakers
to his ears and blasts Pantera until his eyes bleed.
♪♪
Up next, regular Joe agrees to debate Trump
while fired-up Joe cracks an Indiana Jones whip
at Cocaine Bear and screams, "Come at me, bro!"
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Come at me, bro!"
[ Cheers and applause ]
And finally, regular Joe
eats an ice cream cone while fired-up Joe
jumps the counter at McDonald's
and puts his mouth directly under the soft serve nozzle.
[ Cheers and applause ]
"Get out of the way"!
A lot of people are saying Biden crushed it last night.
According to a poll, over 60% of Americans
approved of his speech.
[ Cheers and applause ]
60%.
When he heard, Biden was like, "I had no idea
approval ratings went up above 40."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, Biden spoke for just over an hour.
But if you take out all the coughing,
clapping, and heckling, it was a length of a TikTok.
[ Laughter ]
During his speech, Biden never said Trump's name
but mentioned his "predecessor" 13 times.
Not only was Trump mad that Biden didn't say his name,
but it also forced him to look up the word "predecessor."
[ Laughter ]
"Is that --"
[ Applause ]
"Is that a type of dinosaur?"
[ Laughter ]
"The worst predecessor is the one with the things
that come out of the neck and spit at you.
And it killed Newman. It killed Newman.
It killed Newman from 'Seinfeld.'
In the documentary. Killed Newman."
That's right. Last night was the State of the Union,
which means it's time for a new segment --
"Things Never Before Said at the State of the Union."
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Snickers bars.
♪♪
-[ Laughs ] Snickers -- Snickers bars.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
"Snickers bars."
[ Laughter ]
Well, this was good. He was --
He was making his way through the House chamber
before the address, and Biden spotted Marjorie Taylor Greene.
Did you see this clip? -Yeah, yeah.
-And he looked pretty surprised.
Check this out. This is real.
Oh. Oh, boy!
[ Laughter ]
-Yikes! -"Oh, boy!"
[ Laughter ]
It's like the moment on "Love Is Blind"
where you see your fiancé for the first time, like...
[ Laughter ]
"Megan Fox."
[ Laughter ]
Then Biden was like, "Marjorie,
you're looking even more unhinged in person. Wow."
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
But everyone -- Everyone's talking about this.
Alabama Senator Katie Britt gave the Republican rebuttal
to Biden's State of the Union,
and her delivery was a little dramatic.
[ Laughter ] Take a look.
-Mr. President, enough is enough.
Our country can do better.
We see you, we hear you, and we stand with you.
[ Laughter ]
-Has anyone checked that kitchen for a gas leak?
[ Laughter ]
Just saying. Everyone all right?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Even producers of Hallmark movies were like,
"It's a bit much. It's a -- it's a bit --
it's a tiny bit much."
Not everyone criticized her, though.
She got rave reviews from her speaking coach, William Shatner.
[ Laughter ]
"I thought you were magnificent."
[ Laughter ]
Yep, everyone was focused on Senator Britt's delivery
during the rebuttal, but I was distracted
by something else. Here, see if you can notice.
-We know that President Biden's...
[ Laughter ]
[ Blender motor whirring ]
[ Laughter ]
-Mmm!
[ Laughter ]
-...in our nation's history. Let that sink in.
-Did you notice -- Did you notice anything?
-I didn't notice that. -You didn't notice that?
-I saw that. -You noticed something?
-I saw it live, and I didn't notice.
-I could play it back again if you didn't notice what I saw.
-I did not notice it. -Okay.
Well, we're officially in election season,
and that means Biden and Trump are going to be insulting
each other even more than usual. So we thought it would be nice
to give you a little break from all that
and hear them say some really nice things about each other.
It's time for "Political Compliments."
♪♪
-♪ Political Compliments, yeah ♪
-Joe Biden is my best friend in the world
because he listens to me day and night.
No matter when I need him, he's there.
-My nickname for Donald Trump is "Ice Man"
because he is so cool.
-Whenever Joe and I talk on the phone,
I make him hang up first because I want to keep talking.
-Donald Trump makes the best sandwich I have ever tasted.
-Joe Biden, you're my hero, let me tell you.
-There you go. Isn't that nice?
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's nice.
Well, switching gears, this is exciting.
The 96th Oscars are this Sunday. Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
The Oscars celebrate all the Netflix movies
we watched half asleep while scrolling through TikTok.
[ Laughter ] It's just really a great night.
"Oppenheimer" has the most nominations.
Yep, it was the only hit movie that was also a bomb.
You know, when you think about it.
[ Laughter, groans ]
-Whoa! [ Laughter ]
-I'll show myself out. [ Rimshot ]
The movie --
The movie's over three hours long,
so if you need a short summary, well, here you go.
-Ding ding ding ding ding ding, boom, p-shing, pwoom!
-All right. Uh...
[ Laughter and applause ]
That summed it up.
Ding ding ding.
Uh, but my friend Jimmy Kimmel is hosting the show.
I'm so excited for another call from --
[ Cheers and applause ]
Jimmy Kimmel. I'm so excited for another call from my dad going,
"Finally, you did something to make me proud."
"No, no, that was -- that was the other Jimmy."
[ Laughter ]
I read that the gift bags at the Oscars are each worth $178,000.
-Ooh! [ Audience "Oohs" ]
-Yep. They contain three HP ink cartridges.
[ Laughter ]
-You got a deal. -And get this, guys.
[ Laughter ]
Yesterday, a United Airlines Boeing plane --
Did you see this? -Yeah.
-I mean, this is real.
A plane was taking off from San Francisco
when one of its tires fell off
and landed on cars in the airport parking lot.
Everyone's okay, but here's a video of this happening.
Watch this. It's real.
Look at this.
Oops. -Hey!
-Yeah, Boeing was like, "Hey, how come no one
talks about all the wheels that stayed on?"
[ Laughter ]
In their defense, it's tough to master
cutting-edge technology like the wheel.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, the NHL's Carolina Hurricanes
have started selling beer sticks at their arena.
[ Laughs ] -Oh, no.
Yeah. Look at this thing.
There you go. -Oh.
[ Audience groans ]
-That's gonna end well. That's gonna end well.
-That's gonna be great. -I think it's a fun idea.
Plus, when guys finish, they have their own personal urinal.
We have a great show. Give it up for
The Roots, ladies and gentlemen!
Fun "Tonight Show"!
♪♪
What a fun show we have for you tonight.
She is a fashion icon and supermodel,
and she just launched a brand-new collaboration
with Hugo Boss. Naomi Campbell is here tonight!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Legend.
Speaking of legends, even more, she's a WNBA legend
and one of the greatest point guards in basketball history.
Her new documentary, "Sue Bird: In the Clutch,"
is available March 29th on Apple TV
and Amazon Prime Video. Sue Bird is joining us tonight!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Another icon.
And we got great music.
I mean, put your money on these guys.
Oh, my goodness, they are fun.
They are Irish. They are loud and just awesome.
We have great music from Kneecap!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Kneecap!
Fantastic. You're gonna love them.
They're fantastic. Stick around.
We'll be right back with "Thank You Notes," everybody.
We're gonna come back and do some more.