Welcome to The Daily Show.
Thank you so much for tuning in.
I'm Trevor Noah, and we are live.
Can you believe it? We are live.
Just minutes ago, Tim Kaine and Mike Pence left their chairs
after the Vice Presidential debate,
and, uh, the debate was held in Farmville,
which seems like a shameless pandering to millennials,
but whatever.
Uh, they just now calculated the ratings, people,
and a record number 80 million people
did not watch the debate.
Yeah, it's the first time a TV show
has gotten negative ratings.
But if there was lower viewership
than the Presidential debate,
it might be because everyone knew the winner already,
because-- and this is true-- hours before the debate,
hours before the debate, the GOP released
an announcement on their website
that Mike Pence had already won.
-Yeah, yeah. -(laughter)
Now they've, they've since taken the page down
but before they did,
we found another page that no one else did.
And it's the one that the GOP was supposed to only post
on November 9th, where they were saying
they never supported Donald Trump,
and they somehow deserve credit for making him lose.
Yeah, look at that.
They're like, "Oh we weren't there.
"We, um... we told you guys all along.
(cheers and applause)
"We weren't part of that whole thing.
That's why we weren't with him, yes."
But if the Hillary-Trump debate was WWE,
well, this debate was high school wrestling.
I mean, it's real, but it wasn't flashy.
Tim Kaine and Mike Pence prepared so hard
for this debate, and it was especially hard for Mike Pence,
you know, in between Donald Trump giving him wedgies,
you know, "Yeah, that'll teach you, you nerd.
Come on!"
But going into the debate these candidates
had very different jobs.
Tim Kaine had to show a fun, affable personality
to counter Clinton, who's been cold and distant
since she died six weeks ago.
And Mike Pence, he was there to scoop up all the crap
that Trump left from the last debate.
His debate was basically sponsored by Febreze.
It was just him on stage going, like,
"Nothing smells here, nothing smells here,
nothing smells here," the whole time.
"Nothing smells here; everything's good."
(applause)
The debate, though, did kick off with a bang.
-Let's talk about this state... -Well, well, let me, let me,
let me interrupt you, let me interrupt you.
-I get to weigh in, now, -It was discovered...
-Let me just say this, -he'd keep that pay to play
-Gov-Governer Pence, -process out of the reach
-if you want to flood the zone -and failed to renegotiate.
-with more American troops, -Hillary Clinton, Hillary
-in Iraq, you can propose that. -Clinton, Hillary Clinton...
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. Look at those two go.
Oh, boy, oh, boy.
Yeah. The debate turned from-from a debate
into just like a big white guy argument.
That's what that was.
Actually, one of the biggest white guy arguments in history.
In fact, if we look on the white guy argument meter
it registers all the way
at step-dad versus real dad.
That's how high that was, people.
-This is no joke. -(applause)
And you know what, guys? I'm gonna be honest with you.
It's live, and I don't care; I'm gonna be honest with you.
This debate was boring.
It was boring as hell.
And it didn't help that it was so hard
to separate these two guys.
Both of them married for 31 years.
Both have sons in the military.
Both are super religious.
Both have multiple kinds of elected office.
Both use Spf1000.
If you were picking these guys up at the airport
and they were bags, you'd get them mixed up with each other.
It'd be like, sorry, that one's-- oh, no, that's mine.
That one's mine. Oh, that... Oh, mine's the one with the red.
Mine's the one with the red.
My ears couldn't even distinguish
between the two of them.
The whole debate,
you could have just replaced their speech with this:
(elevator music plays)
(laughter)
I actually liked that more than the debate.
Look, I'm not saying there was nothing to talk about
during this debate, uh, because there were,
there were things to talk about, there was substance.
But what was really impressive
was how Mike Pence managed to dodge
every single Donald Trump scandal thrown at him.
Why do so many Americans think Mr. Trump
is simply too erratic?
Well, let me, let me say first and foremost, that, uh, uh,
Senator, you and Hillary Clinton would know a lot about
an insult-driven campaign.
It really is remarkable.
What's remarkable is how you didn't answer
the question at all.
You were just like, "But let me start by saying this."
I wish you could just do that in a relationship.
Your girlfriend's like, "Why do you have lipstick
"on your collar?
"Let me start by saying this.
"Uh, the electric bill has been really high this month.
"You've got to stop curling your hair.
I'm glad we handled that."
You see what he just did there?
Question came in, Pence dropped the shoulder,
countered with a Hillary's deplorable jab.
Yeah. And he did it again with Trump's taxes.
Yesterday, Mr. Trump said he brilliantly used the laws
to pay as little tax as legally possible.
Does that seem fair to you?
Look, w-what you all just heard out there
is more taxes.
$2 trillion in more spending.
More deficits, more debt, more government.
But less answers, less accountability, less clarity.
They asked you a question and you tell us what we heard?
"Oh, now, what you guys heard was not a question.
I'm gonna tell you what you heard."
You can see Mike Pence is hating this, you know?
He'd doing his best, you know, Clint Eastwood impression.
And he's trying to keep a straight face the entire time.
It's almost like he's drinking vinegar
and acting like it's water.
-Mmm, delicious. -(laughter)
Mmm.
(laughter)
And don't get me wrong--
it's not like the moderator didn't try.
Governor, with all due respect, the question was about
whether it seems fair to you that Mr. Trump said
he brilliantly used the laws
to pay as little tax as legally possible.
Donald Trump is a businessman, not a career politician.
He actually built a business...
Those tax returns that were... that came out publicly this week
showed that he...
he faced some pretty tough times 20 years ago.
Aw.
I see you guys focusing on the facts at hand,
but let's focus on the fact that this poor, poor man
lost a billion dollars of other people's money.
Mm.
This man is brilliant.
You know what? I would vote for Mike Pence
just because of how he defends Trump.
Yeah, he's so good at this. He's like the guy
who can't convince his friend not to drive drunk
but is really good at convincing the cop
that his friend isn't really drunk.
"No, officer he's not, he's not.
"Shut up dude, you're gonna get us arres... He's not drunk,
"I promise you, officer. I... You're still driving us home?
"All right, we're gonna die. No, no, he's good, officer.
He's good, he's good." Yeah.
Tim Kaine... Tim Kaine, by the way,
was-was okay in this debate, you know?
He was really scrappy,
and scrappy's not really what we needed.
Uh, and, I mean, look, here's the problem.
For Tim Kaine, too much preparation is not a good thing.
It's great to prepare for a debate.
it's just not great to prepare...
your punch lines.
Do you want a "you're hired" president in Hillary Clinton
or do you want a "you're fired" president in Donald Trump?
Donald Trump can't start a Twitter war with Miss Universe
without shooting himself in the foot.
If you don't know the difference
between dictatorship and leadership,
then you got to go back to a fifth grade civics class.
-...foreign donors? -You are Donald Trun...
uh, Trump's apprentice.
And if you want to see some additional zingers,
go to my Web site, TimKaineInTheMembrane.com
Aw, yeah. Aw, yeah.
(giggles) You've been broiled.
(laughs)
Aw, I should have gone, "You've been Kained."
Aw.
Here-here's my thing with this whole debate.
The real problem with this debate for me
wasn't that it was boring, it was that it was inscrutable.
Because what is the point of a debate?
It's supposed to inform people.
You're supposed to come away learning something.
But what's the point of a debate
that doesn't have any fact-checking?
We learned nothing, you know?
It has exchanges like this.
The truth is Osama bin Laden led al-Qaeda.
Our primary threat today is ISIS.
And because Hillary Clinton failed to renegotiate
a status of forces agreement, uh, that would have allowed
some American combat troops to remain in Iraq
and secure the hard-fought gains
the American soldier had won by 2009.
ISIS was able to be literally conjured up out of the desert
and it's overrun vast areas
the-the American soldier had won an Operation Iraqi Freedom...
Now, you tell me-- what normal person
could possibly know who's right here? Yeah.
Was the U.S.'s failure to reach a revised
status of forces agreement with the Iraqi government
more than an Obama-Clinton problem
or should you blame it more fairly
on the Bush administration?
Nobody knows, because most people at home
don't have fact checkers. Which is too bad.
I mean, because it would be very helpful
to solve domestic disputes in the house, you know?
"Lisa, you always finish the milk."
And the home fact checker's like, "Well, actually,
"you finish the milk 62% of the time.
That's, uh, that's not true."
"You should get out of... I hate you."
"Well, you don't actually hate me. 42% of the time
I'm on your side, so you keep me around for that exact reason."
But we don't have that. We don't have that.
And I'll tell you this, though. There is one thing...
there is one thing we didn't need a fact checker for tonight.
It was really simple.
Every time Mike Pence defended Donald Trump,
everyone knows Donald Trump said the thing.
Donald Trump's claim that he wants to, uh...
that NATO is obsolete. And that we need to get rid of NATO
-is so dangerous, because... -That's not his plan.
They want to go house to house, school to school,
business to business, and kick out 16 million people.
-And I cannot believe... -That's nonsense.
Donald Trump, on the other hand, didn't know
-that Russia had invaded the Crimea. -Oh, that's nonsense.
He-he... He was on a TV show...
Yeah, Mike Pence-- look at him.
He's all, "That's nonsense. That is not true. That is...
"No one would vote for a person who said those things.
(laughs) That is not true. That is just ridiculous."
Yeah, forget Mike Pence. It's like Donald Trump's running mate
is Shaggy, you know?
♪ It wasn't him, But he said it on the record ♪
♪ It wasn't him, But they got him on the talk shows ♪
♪ It wasn't him, But he sounded like a hater ♪
♪ It wasn't him, But he tweeted him on Twitter ♪
♪ It wasn't him. ♪
He's, like, the whole song.
♪ So you could catch Donald Trump butt-naked ♪
♪ Lying on the bathroom floor ♪
♪ It wasn't him ♪
♪ Telling us he'll release his taxes ♪
♪ But we won't see them no more ♪
It's just lies. It's all lies.
And you know how you know Mike Pence
doesn't believe in Donald Trump?
The one thing he's impressed about
isn't what's above Trump's neck,
but what's right below.
...talks about a-a cease-fire while Vladimir Putin
puts a missile defense system in Syria
while he marshals the forces and begins...
Look, we-we have got to begin to lean into this
with strong, broad-shouldered American leadership.
That's what he says about Trump all the time.
Broad-leadered... Broad- shouldered American leadership.
Broad-shouldered. And... and I'm not making this up.
Check it out.
To be around Donald Trump is to...
is to be around a man with broad shoulders.
♪ ♪
That kind of broad-shouldered American strength.
♪ ♪
This is a broad-shouldered leader.
The kind of broad-shouldered leader he is.
Broad-shouldered leadership.
Broad-shouldered, energetic...
Look, Donald Trump's got broad shoulders.
-Broad-shouldered. -Broad. -Broad. -Broad.
Broad-shouldered leadership.
I saw this broad-shouldered leader.
So you're not referencing his ma-masculinity there?
-Oh, not a bit. Not a bit. -Okay.
♪ ♪
(cheering and applause)
We see you, Pence.