Have you been wondering how can I build a strong and fun family culture with my teenagers? These
five tips will help you to create a more positive experience immediately.
Hi! I'm Dr. Paul Jenkins. And as a professional Psychologist, I've worked with families for
almost three decades. I've got some ideas that you can implement immediately to transform
that family culture. Tip number one, keep those lines of communication open. The teenage years
are really challenging and it's really normal by the way for teenagers to start
pulling away from the family a little bit and attaching a little more to their friends.
Totally normal. Sometimes families get into a trap where the parents are constantly lecturing
or trying to correct or adding consequences for things that their kids are doing. Can you relate?
And this creates some tension in the relationship. So, in keeping those lines of communication open,
here's the strategy. Less lecture, more listen. Years ago, I had an opportunity to attend a
training from Stephen R. Covey, who is one of the leading experts in communication and leadership.
And he pointed out that the strategy is to listen first to understand. Now, check it out. Understanding
and agreeing are not the same thing. This will help immensely as you open up the communication with
your teenager. Sometimes we get it in our head that, oh, I need to correct what they're saying.
No, you don't. Just listen. Be open to listening. And here's an extra step that you can put in. People
who do this succeed, people who don't continue to struggle. Add this step. Reflect what you heard, what
you understood. So, when your teenager is opening up about this thing is happening with my friends and
I can't stand it and whatever they're saying. Then your response is not to correct it. It's
simply to reflect it first. Take that step. It'll sound something like this. Okay, so, what you're
saying is you're really frustrated about how your friends are acting about this or that. And you'll
know that you're on target when they say yeah, okay? When they acknowledge to you that you
got it. Ding, ding, ding, score a point for Mom or Dad, because you understood and you reflect that
understanding. Quiet all the noise in your head that says you need to go correct whatever thinking
they're doing. Simply get connected and show them that you understand. This is huge. Here's tip number
two, and this goes to a model that I teach parents in our parent coaching programs. That pits control
against maturity. The more mature your kids are, the more control they get to have over their own life.
I think this is a basic principle of life. And it's true for adults as well. The more mature we are,
the more control we get to have over our life. The best example of that is a little baby. When a baby
is first born, how much control do they have over their life? Hardly any. They can make a big noise
in a big stink. But that's about it. Well, as they become more mature, they take more and more control
over their life. If we don't share the control with our teenagers, they will take it anyway.
And at some point, they'll fire you. Meaning, they'll become completely independent, go live their own
life. Now, it's our relationship that keeps us connected to our kids once they become adults
and they move out on their own. So that gets us to tip number two, share the control. And yes, I'm
acknowledging this has to do with maturity, which is more about their stage of moral development
than it is about their age if they're making really immature choices. That's different from
if they're showing you a lot of responsibility and initiative, which is a higher level of maturity. But
at some point, we have to share the control. Because if we don't share it, they're going
to take it anyway. And I mean, about decision making, about activities, about the things that
are important to them in their life. We have to be able to give up some of that control as parents.
Now, I'm gonna throw you a bone here because I know that there are reasons why you become so
controlling. You're concerned about their choices, about their decision-making. I get it. But at some
point, they're going to take all of the control. That's why we're going to practice sharing it.
And there's ways to do this. We go over this in our coaching programs where we work through
scenarios of well, how do I share the control in this setting. Just yesterday for example, I was
in a group coaching session and one of the Moms raised her hand and brought her 17-year-old onto
the camera with me in our group coaching. And they had a little discussion with me about his
handling of school. Okay, Mom was upset that he was falling behind. He wasn't that concerned about it.
And so, we talked about how she could give up some of the control over that. Her job is to
love him no matter what and even if. Not to make sure that he passes his classes. Because she can't
do that. She doesn't have the power to do that. He does. So, even though she's really concerned
about it. She has to give up that control because she doesn't control it. And it was interesting to
see in this particular coaching session that he started to step up a little bit. He's like, wait.
Because if Mom's not attached to that, he has to decide whether he's attached to it. And
he's already capable of making better decisions about his schooling. This is just a quick example
of what I mean by sharing the control and the decision making. Don't sweat the small stuff. And
if you don't control it anyway, it's something you get to let go of. Tip number three has to do with
your entire family culture to hold regular family council meetings. Here's what I mean by a family
council meeting. This is a meeting where everyone in the family comes together at a predetermined
regularly scheduled time. And during that family council, there are a few things that need to happen.
Number one, there has to be some kind of discussion or learning or teaching about a principle that is
consistent with your family culture. That's usually headed up by the parents, but you can
engage the kids in this too. It's an opportunity to learn and discuss principle. Number two, you gotta
have fun together. So, pick some activity that you enjoy and do it together as a family during this
family council meeting. Number three, you have to have a treat. Now, I've added that rule partially
because of the psychology involved. But this helps people to anticipate and in enjoy this meeting. It
gives another pull for the kids to actually be there and to engage. Now, it doesn't have to be
a long meeting. But it does need to be regular and consistent with our previous tips. Start to share
the control and the decision making. Give the kids, especially as they get into those teenage years
some say about what we're going to do during this meeting. But establish it as a regular part
of your family culture. I promise this is going to make huge differences in transforming that family
culture. Okay, now, you might be thinking. Okay, I'm not sure I know exactly how to do that. Hey, don't
worry about it. I've got you covered. Go to the URL on the screen right now, drpauljenkins.com/
familycouncil. And I will give you for free an agenda that you can use to help structure these
family council meetings. It's a free resource. You're welcome. Just go grab that. I can support
you that way, drpauljenkins.com/familycounsel. Tip number four, become more interested instead of
trying to be interesting. Alright, did you catch the difference there? A lot of parents when their
kids become teens want to be their friend. They want to have their kids want to hang around with
them. And that's all natural, okay? But that shifts the focus over to trying to enroll your kids all
the time. Do you ever feel like you're trying to drag them kicking and screaming into whatever it
is that you want to do? What if you were to become more interested in them? They are not mini-me.
They are people who have their own interests and talents and skills and abilities, and it's going
to be different from yours. I know that sounds obvious when I state it. But I've worked with
so many parents who get trapped in that. I want my kid to conform, to be what I want them to be.
And that creates a conflict, which isn't fun for the parent or for the teen. Get interested
in them. What are their interests? What are their skills? What do they want to do? And why? What is it
that they find appealing about this particular activity? Quick example was a Dad who showed up
in one of our coaching groups recently and he was really concerned about screen time.
This is a big issue, right? With our teenagers. And as I questioned that about this, he didn't even
know what his son was doing on the screen. Screen time, you're concerned about screen time. Why was
your son doing? And he just assumed while he's out there playing video games or whatever, right? So,
I gave him an encouragement to go find out more about what his son is so interested in on those
screens. And not trying to control it, but learn more about it. And I still don't know what he found
out. But he's going to come back and report in one of our other sessions. Become more interested
instead of trying to be so interesting to your kids. Tip number five is a psychological hack. I'm
inviting you to intentionally choose to enjoy your teenager. Wait, can you do this? I get some pushback
on this sometimes because people say. Well, I just don't enjoy them, really? Then enjoy them.
Like it's up to you. Is it? Let me just test your thinking about this for a minute. Because what if I
ran a little contest? We do it here on the channel, okay? A million dollars for anybody who can truly
enjoy their team for one full week, but you can't fake it. You have to actually enjoy them. Now, if
I were to set up some kind of a contest like that here on the channel. Would you enroll? Would you go
for it if there were a million dollars attached to it? And what would you do to pull it off?
Okay, now, notice what your brain is doing with this. Because it's easy to get trapped in that.
Well, I just don't enjoy them. As if you don't have any choice in the matter. I believe that you do.
And it depends on your thinking if you'll apply some of the other tips we've talked about here on
today's video, it will be easier. But ask your brain what it is that you could do to actually pull
that off. Because if there's a big prize attached, you'd figure it out. Wouldn't you? Do those things
intentionally choose to enjoy them. This is what gives me power. When I work with teenagers, they
know that I sincerely enjoy them. And sometimes we're working on some pretty gnarly issues.
But they know that I enjoy them and it gives me a whole different footing to
work with them. You can do this as a parent as well. Okay, you've got this. You're a better
parent than you think you are. Remember that free resource that I offered you? The family council
agenda. Just go to drpauljenkins.com/familycouncil, and I'll put it right in your inbox.