Welcome to Australian Political Warrior.
The show where we see if ordinary Australians
have what it takes to become
very ordinary politicians.
Now, let’s meet today’s first contestant
Mark Humphries
Do you want me to take my shirt off for this?
Not on your life.
For as long as I can remember
I’ve wanted to be a politician.
I actually ran my first campaign
back in kindergarten.
I was calling for more secure borders
for our sandpit.
I was convinced people were coming over to our sandpit
for economic reasons
I didn’t care what Mrs Coe said.
They say politics is show business for ugly people.
But I’d f**k me.
I’m Mark Humphries
and I will be Australia’s first political warrior.
Okay...
big words from the big man.
Well, let’s see if he can back it up.
"And he’s off."
"First challenge"
"the hard hat hi-vis nod and point."
"Mark’s looking very uneasy here."
"That’s exactly what we’re looking for in a politician."
"Now the sign of a real pro"
"is whether he picks something up"
"and looks at it."
"And there he goes!"
"And now the final hurdle in this round"
"the all-important small-talk."
So um...
You ever worked in a warehouse Mr Humphries?
Spent a bit of time in a place like this back in the day.
"And there it is, his first lie."
"The only warehouse Mark’s been in is Bunnings"
"and that was just for a sausage."
"Well played."
"Onto the next challenge"
"This will be a tricky one for Mark"
"as he has said his favourite sport"
"is chess."
So Mark
who are you backing in Saturday’s big game?
Well, firstly
good luck to all teams involved
but I must say that I’ll be backing
the mighty North Sydney Bears.
Mate, those Bears haven't been in the competition
since 1999.
Well I agree they’re underdogs
but uh...
yeah, good on ya.
"You beauty!"
"1999."
"It takes real effort"
"to be that out of touch."
"He is flying here."
"But the real test will be his ability to"
"backflip on policy."
I have always said it is my intention
for young people to have the best possible outcomes
when it comes to housing.
And I think my party’s new plan
to have young people
live in old toilet cubicles
made of asbestos
is entirely consistent with that.
"Seamless backflip!"
"That’ll go down very well with the factional warlords."
"Now, can Mark have an awkward walk-and-talk"
"with a member of the public?"
Got some rocket there have you?
Let me tell you that, if elected by the Australian people
I am committed to increasing the quality and supply
of rocket in our supermarkets.
and that commitment
applies not only to rocket.
but also to
baby spinach
iceberg
butterhead
that weird Italian one
radicchio I think it’s called.
"And he’s alienated the pleb!"
"This guy’s a natural!"
"But it all comes down to this."
The final challenge:
"a no-holds-barred interview"
"on live television."
Mark Humphries, thanks for joining us.
Thanks for having me Janice.
Mark, what do you say to the
tens of thousands of young people out there
who have signed a petition stating
they don’t want to be housed
in toilet cubicles
which contain asbestos?
Well, firstly Janice
I don’t accept the premise of your question.
Say what you will about the
asbestos toilet cubicle housing plan.
but the previous government had no plan in place
no plan.
Where as this government has a clear
asbestos-based plan
to make housing more affordable for young people.
Mark, you're not answering the question.
And that makes you
Australia’s first Political Warrior!
Get out!
"He's done it!"
"Just goes to show"
"that if you follow your dreams"
"and lose your moral compass"
"you too can become"
"an Australian Political Warrior."