Hey everyone this weeks topic is something
that I know many of us have dealt with in
our life and that is grief and grieving
and dealing with the loss of someone in
our lives. So stay tuned.
music
So thanks for checking back, this week's
topic, like I said, is to do with grief
and grieving and losing someone that
we've loved in our life and I know that
many of us have gone through this at
different periods of time and if any of
you have watched my "draw my life" video
that I did a couple of weeks ago I let you
all know that I lost my father about 4
years ago and grief is interesting, it's
really difficult and even talking about
it, sometimes I'm like, pull it together,
we can do this and its been 4 years so, I
understand how hard it is and I know that
grief is really an interesting process so
that's kind of what I want to talk about
today. And the kind of ironic thing is
that when I was considering graduate
school and I had like a little, I took a
year off when I took some tests to get
into graduate school, if any of you know
the process, and I was applying I went
down to, um a hospice centre in Sandiago
with Dr Bower one of my favourite
teachers, so thanks Dr Bower and we went
down there to get credentialed to be
grief counsellors and when you finish you
kind of get just a little certificate and
I think it's just called credentialing
but I'm not sure. I think technically I
can put, you know, Kati Morton MFTI, grief
counsellor. I think that's what I can say
but anyway that doesn't really matter.
What matters is that um, when you go to a
hospice. If any of you don't know a
hospice is kind of, they call it end of
life care, and these are usually patients
who have a terminal illness of some sort
and the hospital or nurses or whoever is
helping them with their home or in the
hospital they realise that they can't do
anything else medically to help them and
so they put them there to make them
comfortable until they pass away. And I
thought going there was going to be really
sad and why would you wanna, ohh I just
don't wanna go there. It made me really
uncomfortable but when I was there it was
actually one of the most comforting places
I've ever been because it's filled with
love and care and empathy and sympathy for
everybody and the place just felt very
welcoming and very warm and so um, if any
of you have ever had to spend time there I
hope that you've had a very similar
experience. But the thing that I really
want to talk is not about only what I do
therapeutically if I have a client who's
been in my office um, 'cos I have many
clients who've lost parents or loved ones,
um or are going through the process right
now, some with terminal illness and what
I've done personally and kind of
intertwine the two so that you can kind of
see what it'll feel like if you go see a
therapist for this which is one of my
recommendations and then what you may
feel, 'cos i'm just going to give you my
experience, and everyone has a different
experience but, you know, sometimes it's
helpful to know that other people have
been through it too, okay?
So the first thing that I want to touch on
like I said is if I come into someones
office what do they do.
And just so you know, the actual diagnosis
of grief, grieving or bereavement is not a
regular standard diagnosis in the DSM. It
is actually what we call a vcode. Now a
vcode is whatever the focus is, they
technically call it a vcode the focus of
clinical, let me look it up real quick,
clinical attention. The focus of clinical
attention and, um what that really means
is when you come into my office and you're
father past away I'm going to focus on
that, so I'm going to put bereavement down
as my vcode, that's my focus. Now the
vcodes can vary from things as severe and
intense as like a sexual abuse or physical
abuse but usually they're like life
stressors, psychosocial stressors and
things like that, um they kind of fall
into that like academic problem, I mean
I'm just looking here it's like, um
identity problem, religious or spiritual
problems so it's kind of those things that
we don't really know how to describe it
other than saying this is happening to me, okay?
And so the vcode is for bereavement,
that's what they call it and I thought in
my studies I remember it being only 6
months long. I can't see that in here at
this point but anyways what that means is
if it lasts longer, I believe than 6
months but maybe its longer 'cos I don't
see it but um, oh no it says the diagnosis
okay, so this is what it is, the diagnosis
of major depressive disorder is not
generally given. This is what I wanted to
talk about is like differentiating grief
or bereavement from depression.
The diagnosis of major depressive disorder
is generally not given unless the symptoms
are still present 2 months after the loss.
Wow, they only give you 2 months. Well
that's pretty shitty 'cos I personally
think it can take a really long time, but
this is just what the DSM says, okay?
So that is what if you're worried, what if
I go see someone what are they going to
diagnose me with and what's going to
happen. That's what they're going to
diagnose you with and that's what they're
going to work on with you and um, after
the 2 months have past they'll probably
re-evaluate and try to talk to you about
that okay. And when you come into someones
office I always talk to my clients, and
even personally, these are things I did
the same and I'm going to read from my
phone now 'cos I Google everything, are
the 5 stages of grief and I didn't want to
get them out of order. But it's
interesting and I think it's something
that we all need to be aware of because
you'll go through them whether you want to
or not. Whether you're taking time to
process your grief or not you'll go
through them. Now the first one is denial
and that's the one where it's like well
I'm fine, everything's fine it's okay you
know and a lot of times people will live
in this denial phase, and me personally,
I stayed in this denial phase while I was
going through the logistics of it okay.
So getting a call from my mum that my dad
past away, um getting on the plane to go
home you know I was going through the
motions. Okay so today I have to be here
and tomorrow I'm doing this and then we're
going to my Grandmas' for this and you
know it was just a to-do list and so I
lived in denial 'cos I was like well I'm
fine you know, I have lots of stuff to do
and yeah you know I'll be okay blahblahblah. Right.
We're not even really able to absorb
what's even happened and that's usually
around the actual time of the death.
And then the next is anger. Which I
actually filter in and out of a lot.
Even now and I the anger comes from the
fact that they've left us, or at least for
me. I'm like you son of a bitch you know,
I get mad 'cos I'm like I'm getting
married and my Dads not here to walk me
down the aisle. That's like argh, you
know, I'm tearing up just thinking about
it. So I get angry and anger is the second
stage of grief and I think that personally
and therapeutically the reason that we
feel anger is because we're sad and it
covers us up, it's a protective I'm not
going to be sad I'm going to be angry. I'm
going to lash out, right. So that's the next stage.
The the third one is barganing and this is
like the, you know if we pray if we're
religious at all, like God please I would
do anything for one more week with that
person or if they could just be here for
this day that would be great and you know,
you kind of, you're barganing for more
time even though we know there's no more
time we haven't fully accepted that yet,
okay. And that one, I honestly didn't
really spend much time in barganing 'cos
I'm too logical for my own good so I'm
like well you know, I know he's not here
that is the truth this is the reality of
my situation but for many of you you may
spend a lot of time in that thinking about
it and you know, ruminating about wanting
them there and then the fourth stage is
depression. And this is just, like I
talked about in my depression video I put
out last week I believe or the week
before. Um and that was just feeling
really sad, not wanting to get out of the
house. I don't wanna see people, the
things I used to enjoy I don't enjoy.
You're really just tired. I personally
dealt with this for a while where I was
just really tired and I remember my
therapist, thanks Josie, she was really
good, she um told me that you know
Kati you run marathons, like in my life,
not physically 'cos I don't run as many of
you know 'cos I hate running. Who likes to
run blah. But I run marathons mentally
like I'm doing a lot I'm a very busy
person and even now with all of our
world we're creating I'm very busy and
she's like but now that your Dads past
away you have a 75 pound backpack on your
back and you're still trying to run
marathons and you can't. And I'm really
like, I don't know why but that analogy, I
love analogies, first of all in therapy
and that analogy was like wow, she is
right 'cos I am tired you know. Physically
I am exhausted because mentally I was so
worn out from running those marathons.
So, that kind of gives you an idea of what
it can feel like and the last stage is
acceptance and that's when we process
through our grief and we realise that they
can no longer be with us and we come to
appreciate the times we've had with them.
And you will go in and out of these stages.
You'll even go through stage 5 where it
sounds like I'm done yay I've accepted.
No, you might to back to anger 'cos a
situation will come up like i'm getting
married and I'm like why aren't you here
arghh and so it's normal. Don't think that
you have to go 1,2,3,4,5 and I'm done
dadadadada and then I dance off into happy
land 'cos that's not real life right.
And so pay attention to where you are and
recognising how you're feeling and my
first recommendation is please see a
therapist. That was so helpful for me and
I still, as many of you know, I'm still in
therapy because I am a therapist and I do
a lot of mental health work and so
therefore I have to keep myself mentally
healthy because shouldn't I practice what
I preach right. So, but especially in a
time of grief I think it's very important
that you see a therapist and take time um,
to heal and know that it's okay. It's okay
to feel the way that you fell. You have
every right to feel angry. You have every
right to wanna bargain for more time. You
have every right to feel the way you feel
okay. And also taking care of yourself
physically. I know I talk a lot about
eating disorders and self harm and this
can be a huge trigger for that because we
feel so much mental anguish and pain that
we want to express it in the only ways we
know how, through our eating disorder and
our self harm, and that's why seeing your
therapist, maybe increasing your sessions
can be really helpful because the
physicality of grief for me, I mean the
exhaustion, the achy muscles, the, for me
I have trouble eating like I have a lack
of appetite or then I'd really want to eat
and it can affect how our body runs day
to day so be aware of that and take time
for yourself and please see someone and
get the help that you need because people
pass away and we loose people and life has
to go on, right. We can appreciate the
times we've had and before I finish I
wanna, there was a craft that I did when
I became a grief councelor that I thought
was the greatest idea ever. And we got
these big wreathes and we got all these
ribbons and this is kind of a girly craft.
Not that there are, are there guy crafts,
Sean? No. I don't think there are guy
crafts. But this is an extra girly craft.
And we took a ribbon and each ribbon that
you placed in your wreath, so it was like
a wicker wreath, so you could hook the
ribbon through it and you tied it in a
knot and you say out loud to the person
that you're creating the wreath with
something that you loved about the person
who past. And you do this with someone
that has lost the same person you have so
that the idea is that you create the
wreath with like your loved one and you
put it up in your home that you share
together. So like, Sean and I could create
a wreath or something like that. Not that
he'd want to but it was really helpful for
me to do this and I think it's a great
physical way to talk about the reasons
that we love them and the great memories
that we have and then you put it up and
it's kind of a representation of those
times you've had with that person and I
think that's really powerful and you can
look at it and think, yeah they were I'm
so glad they were in my life or something
like that. So, that's just another idea
and leave any of your ideas below. I love
your comments and your feedback and
your sharing your experiences even if
they're completely opposite from mine.
I have no problem with people being like
Kati, that was a horrible video. I hated
that content blahblah. That's fine because
we all learn, right. And I'm learning.
You're teaching me. So, lets keep working
together, share your experiences, like
this if you like this kind of personal
slash therapeutic type of video um,
'cos I'm happy to do more and share more
with you about who i am and what I do.
So, keep working with me as we put one
foot in front of the other towards a
healthy mind and a healthy body.
Pwoah, I thought I was going to cry there.
Pull it together. Oh I didn't even talk
about my book, final gifts. So good.
Yes. Ohhh, that was a tiring one. Ohhhh.
sniff
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