Joe Biden looks like he's on pace
to become the 46th president of the United States.
Now, at the time that I'm saying this,
he's leading in enough states to win the entire thing,
and it may even be declared tonight.
In fact, you might even know, watching this right now,
if the election is over.
And if you do, please, don't tell me. No spoilers.
I like this feeling of stress.
Now, this is all happening
after a chaotic, nerve-racking election night
that featured all types of weird moments:
predictions flipping left and right,
ballots being delivered with a police escort,
Steve Kornacki's khaki butt.
But maybe what's weirdest is that after all of that,
the night actually ended up going
mostly as everyone expected.
You know, Trump jumped ahead early in a lot of states
because Republicans mostly voted in person,
and those votes got counted first.
And then, as the Democratic mail-in ballots came in,
Biden jumped ahead,
which is what everyone knew might happen for weeks.
Well, everyone except the president of the United States.
We were winning everything,
and all of a sudden, it was just called off.
The results tonight have been phenomenal,
and we are getting ready...
I mean, literally, we were just all set
to get outside and just celebrate something
that was so beautiful, so good.
We had such a big night.
You just take a look
at all of these states that we've won tonight,
and then you take a look
at the kind of margins that we've won them by.
We won states, and all of a sudden,
I said, "What happened to the election?
It's off."
And we have all these announcers saying,
"What happened?"
And then they said, "Oh."
Yeah, dude. Because first, they counted your votes,
and now they're counting the other guy's votes.
I mean, I knew that Trump didn't like science,
but I didn't realize he had disavowed numbers.
I mean, maybe this explains why he's always in debt?
This is just a level of stupidity
from Trump that I did not expect.
He always exceeds levels of stupidity.
I didn't know you could go higher.
Sometimes it feels like Trump is an actual toddler.
"First, I had a nose, then suddenly,
"my uncle stole it, and I had no nose.
"What happened to law and order, folks?
I don't have a nose anymore."
Although, Trump could be playing four-dimensional chess here.
Yeah, maybe he's laying the groundwork
for his legal defense over his taxes.
"Your Honor, as you can see, I have no idea how numbers work.
"Therefore, I cannot be held accountable.
Case dismissed."
"Sir, you cannot dismiss your own case."
"I also don't know how the law works.
Double case dismissed. #Winning."
But yeah, needless to say, Donald Trump was upset.
The more votes got counted,
the more Biden pulled ahead of him.
And for Donald Trump,
there could only be one solution:
stop counting the votes.
Something just breaking in the last couple of minutes, as well.
Things are moving fast and furiously
with the president's campaign.
The campaign manager, Bill Stepien,
announcing that the Trump campaign
has filed a lawsuit in the state of Michigan,
saying, "President Trump's campaign has not been provided
"with meaningful access to numerous counting locations
"to observe the opening of ballots
"in the counting process as guaranteed by Michigan law.
"We have filed suit today
in the Michigan court of claims to halt counting."
This is a fraud on the American public.
This is an embarrassment to our country.
We were getting ready to win this election.
-Frankly, we did win this election. -(cheering)
This is a major fraud on our nation.
We want the law to be used
in a proper manner.
So we'll be going to the U.S. Supreme Court.
We want all voting to stop.
We don't want them to find any ballots
at 4:00 in the morning
-and add them to the list, okay? -(cheering and applause)
It's... It's a very sad...
It's a very sad moment.
To me, this is a very sad moment.
And we will win this, and we...
As far as I'm concerned, we already have won it.
(cheering and applause)
Wow.
I know everyone was expecting it,
but still, can we just take a moment
to-to admit that it is insane that an American president
is just demanding that they stop,
that they stop counting votes while he's ahead.
This is a textbook authoritarian move,
which is impressive coming from a guy
who's never read a textbook.
And I got to say, for a guy who hates "shithole" countries,
Trump really likes to jack their style.
I mean, I never thought I'd see the day
when someone yelling at me to go back to Africa
sounded more like a concern for my rights instead of a threat.
All I'm saying is be careful, America.
If you let Trump do this,
then voting could soon become one of those things
that people do to feel better
but doesn't actually do anything.
You know? Like taking CBD oil or recycling plastic.
Now, look, nobody knows
what the Supreme Court is gonna decide
if Trump ends up bringing this case to them.
I mean, we hope that they'll be neutral and rule on the merits,
but, I mean, Trump is also the person
who appointed so many of them that who knows?
I mean, they might just be like,
"According to the Constitution,
only the president gets to be president."
"But then how do you get a new president?"
"Uh..."
But let's move on
to the other big news of election night,
which is actually very bad news for Democrats.
It looks like Republicans
will very likely be holding on to the Senate.
And some high-profile races
really did not turn out the way Democrats wanted
even when they spent a lot of money.
NEWSWOMAN: Minutes after the polls closed in Kentucky,
majority leader Mitch McConnell
winning reelection for his seventh term.
Democrat Amy McGrath giving McConnell a challenging fight,
smashing fundraising records,
her campaign spending more than $70 million on the race.
In South Carolina, Republican Senator Lindsey Graham
holding on to his Senate seat
after Harrison raised more than $100 million in his campaign.
Goddamn.
I don't know who the bigger losers are here,
the Democratic candidates
or the donors who gave them $170 million
to lose their races.
I mean, those donors gave them the best possible chance,
and they still lost.
That's like your parents being billionaires,
but you still end up as Don Jr.
But shit, if you can raise that much money,
well, then next time,
I'm gonna run for Senate against Mitch McConnell.
"All right, everybody, if I'm gonna beat this guy,
"I'm gonna need a new Tesla, the new PS5,
"and also 200 Gs for snacks and stuff.
I think I got this, people."
And, you know, on one level,
I guess it is an encouraging story.
It's an encouraging story about the limits of money in politics,
because it means you could have all the money in the world,
but it can't buy you the charisma
of Mitch McConnell. (mumbles)