(upbeat music)
(audience applause)
- I don't like mic stands; they're condescending.
(audience laughing)
You're short.
(audience laughing)
You shop at the Baby Gap.
(audience laughing)
Got in an argument with my boyfriend this morning.
I love getting in arguments
about very major issues or very small things.
He woke up and he's like, "I want some breakfast."
I'm like, "Go get a fucking banana, shut up."
And he goes in the kitchen, gets a banana.
He's like, "Hey, Q, do you have any other bananas
'cause this one just got like the brown spots on it."
I'm like, "So, you don't want the banana
'cause it's got some brown in it,
it's got a little brown in the banana.
Is that a problem?
The brown in the bananas, that's a problem for you?"
(audience laughing)
He's like, "No, no, I'm just saying like I just wanted
to know if you had any other bananas
because if you had some other ones, I would choose those."
Oh, so you want another banana.
You want another banana, wow, wow.
Wow, you got a banana right there with a Netflix account,
but you want another banana, that's crazy, wow, wow.
He's like, "Q, no, you're tripping.
Listen, I just wanted to know
if there were any riper bananas in your kitchen."
Oh, so you're telling me if the banana had double D's,
then you'd want that banana.
If that banana didn't bother you
while you wanted to watch SportsCenter,
you would want that banana, is that what you're telling me?
He's like, "Quinta, is your period..."
Get the fuck out right now.
(audience laughing)
The real fun in that joke is that I don't have a boyfriend.
(audience laughing)
We're on a ride, people, we're on a ride.
We're having fun.
But yeah, I'm trying to do the dating.
It's really hard; I wind up becoming
really good friends with all the guys I date.
Like I like them and they like me, but they never
make a move, so we just become good chums and that's it.
One of my guy friends told me, "Quinta,
one day, I want my daughter to turn out just like you."
And I was like, "So should I grab that dick now or later?
(audience laughing)
It sounds like you wanna procreate."
He didn't.
No, girl, he doesn't like me like that.
'Cause I've known him since college.
He would've said something if he did.
Oh, let me call you back, alright, bye.
Hey!
- What's up? - What's up?
- I'm good.
- It's a nice jacket you got on there.
- Thank you.
- My favorite part is when he takes the toilet seat out
and then... - Yes.
- Right, goes through the toilet seat
and gets into the wheels; how the fuck?
- Only Leo.
What I love about that movie is the part
where like he's about to get caught,
and he knows he's about to get caught...
- Oh, at the end. - Yeah, but he almost
like wants to get caught.
- But he also wants to keep running.
- Right, because that's who he is.
That's just who he is, ya know?
That's a great movie.
- This is why I need to make a new Catch Me If You Can.
- Low key one of Leo's best films.
- First of all, he plays like
a bunch of different... - Ages!
- He plays a bunch of different ages!
- Like do you know how difficult that is?
- It is.
- It's a beautiful film.
- Beautiful piece of work. - It's awesome.
- Okay, now on to another beautiful piece of work,
my three minute internet sketch video.
It's super easy, super simple, super short.
You'll be able to get it in no time.
Wait. - What?
Just real quick, look at this guy over here.
- Oh my God.
- Why would you need anything that yellow?
- You see, I get what he's doing.
The yellow is like a cautionary thing,
like he doesn't wanna get hit, but in reality,
he's looking like a target, - Yup.
- and I can't help it, like I wanna hit him.
- I wanna hit him, I wanna hit him.
- So badly.
- I don't even have a car.
I wanna buy a car from the dealership.
- You can use mine, don't worry about it,
I'll let you use mine.
- And hit him with it.
- He's asking for it; awful.
Okay, when do you plan on shooting this?
- Friday, my bad, four days from now.
- Okay.
- Like I said, super, super simple, and you should be...
I can't - What?
- I just can't. (chuckling)
I am so sorry I can't.
Why is he wearing a white turtle neck?
- A turtle neck.
- Why is he stretching?
- He looks like a floating Lemonhead, the candy.
Do you know the candy? - Yes, I know the candy.
You know the candy?
- Yeah.
Why wouldn't I know about Lemonheads?
- Did you eat them in college?
- I didn't really eat them, but I know...
- I thought that was a Philly candy.
They have that in Boston?
- Oh, you and your Philly.
That's like national candy!
- I didn't know; I thought it was one of those things
like some chips are only in Philly.
I didn't know; I thought it was a...
- No, I mean, clearly Lemonheads are everywhere.
- Literally they are.
When you're right, you're right.
Well, how are you doing?
I haven't even been able to ask you since we sat down.
- I'm good. - Okay.
- Yeah, I have three auditions coming up.
I'm pumped for them, I'm excited.
I'm like prepared and everything, so...
- You know what?
You'll get them, all three of them.
Each and every single one of them.
- Yeah maybe.
- And if you don't, fuck them.
- Yeah, fuck them.
- It's their loss. - Yeah, it is their loss.
You're right. - You'll just start
a web series based on the exact same concept
(laughing)
and then take their money.
- Well, thanks Quinta. - No problem.
- Optimism and cynicism always appreciated.
- My specialties. - Yeah.
It'd be hard to do this without someone like you, you know?
You're awesome.
- Um, I was thinking maybe
since we spend all this time with each other and everything,
we could try going out...
- Oh my God, sorry, I forgot tell you
Tiana's finally visiting, like finally visiting.
You're going to love her, like I swear, Quinta,
you are going to love her. - Yeah.
I mean, I can't wait to see her, but...
- She's the one from Tinder. - OkCupid.
- One's for love, one's for sex, my bad.
That's how they are in my head.
- I told her a lot about you, by the way.
She's really excited to meet you.
You guys would get along, you really would, ya know?
- Well, I need some new girl friends anyway, so...
- Perfect! - Yeah.
- I see you guys being friends, ya know?
Listen, she's great, okay?
She's like...
- I don't wanna be in a relationship, though.
People in relationships tend to lose their memories.
(audience laughing)
Here's what I mean.
I'm out to dinner with a couple the other day,
and they're just sitting across from me.
So, yeah, we went out the other day,
and we went to the movies and we went to see this movie.
What was the movie, babe?
(audience laughing)
Oh, it was X-Men, we went to see X-Men.
Really, you forgot X-Men?
You forgot X-Men?
'Cause they say it in the movie.
They go, "We are the X-Men," so I just wanna know
how you forgot
that part.
It's all good, umm...
(laughing)
Made a list of people I don't trust.
(audience laughing)
Mm-hmm, yeah.
Girls who call their boyfriends daddy.
You don't need a friend, you need a therapist.
Get out of here.
People who have it all together in their 20s.
What are you a wizard?
Please, I don't like that shit.
I was raised Jehovah's Witness; get out of here.
And then people who lick the pen
before they even start to write with it.
You're a pen licker, ya know?
It can give me ink poisoning.
Don't lick that.
(laughing)
I trust Martin Luther King, though.
It just got real, it just got so real.
I do, I really like Martin Luther King,
like I think about him a lot, more than the average person.
And I prepare for Martin Luther King Jr. Day,
you know what I mean, like I hang little Martin Luther Kings
around the, you know...
Kate told me stop saying that joke 'cause it's not nice
to say I hung Martin Luther Kings around, but I do.
I put them on tinsel and I put them around the house.
I love Martin Luther King; he's a great dude.
The thing that makes me saddest about Martin Luther King
is that I think he never got to have a dream again.
You know what I mean?
Like I feel like he woke up one day
and he's like, "Oh, Rodney."
That's his roommate, Rodney.
"Rodney, Rodney, I just had a dream.
I saw a pelican playing checkers
with Marilyn Monroe."
I don't care if she was around at that time.
"Marilyn Monroe."
Rodney's like, "Dog, that joint was weak.
Everything you drop from now on has to be fire,
like you can't drop any weak dreams from now on."
(audience laughing)
If Drake was around back then,
he would've goes through it for Martin Luther King.
That's not a joke, that's fact,
so just accept that for what it is.
You guys all know me.
I've been able to have a lot of success
out here in Los Angeles; it's been great,
and like I'm happy I have friends and family to see it,
but the only person who cannot see it is my mother.
My success means nothing to her, nothing, nothing.
She doesn't know what the internet is still,
so it means nothing.
And her solution for everything,
all she wants is for me to come back home.
That's it; it doesn't matter what it is.
I told her I was on Larry Wilmore.
Can Larry Wilmore buy you a ticket home?
Technically yes, he has the funds,
but that's not what this is for.
And it's become the solution to all of my problems.
That's been the solution for it.
I told her the other day,
I was cooking salmon, I called her.
I was like, "Hey, mom, I'm making some salmon.
Should salmon be at 415 degrees or 500?
What should it be?"
Quinta, baby, just come home.
(audience laughing)
That's not the answer.
That's not an answer.
Most recently, I was doing my taxes and I was late.
I had missed a year; don't judge me, just chill out.
I missed a year, and I called my mom.
Mom, mom, I did not do my taxes.
What the hell, what's gonna happen?
Is the IRS coming?
How deep does it get?
Is the federal service gonna get involved?
What do I do; it's April 20 fucking 15th.
What do I do, mom?
Quinta, baby, just come home.
The IRS came to my door the next day.
They don't play.
(gentle music)
- [Quinta's Mom] Quinta.
Quinta.
Quinta, I'm talking to you.
- Yes?
- [Quinta's Mom] Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm just trying to figure out
this rent thing before the end of the month.
I'll be fine.
- [Quinta's Mom] We don't have any more money
to send, I mean, I...
- I'm not asking for money.
- [Quinta's Mom] Honey, are you eating?
- Yes, I'm eating.
Why do you ask that?
It is not that bad, ma, I have food.
- [Quinta's Mom] Just come home, okay?
Just come home.
- People treat being short
like there's something very, very wrong with you
like it's a disability or something.
It's how I imagine racism is.
I don't know, I've never experienced it.
(audience laughing)
I had a girl once say to me oh my God,
Quinta, you're like so short.
Do you get the handicap thing for your car?
And I was like, "No, did your mom get one for having you?
We can't just get the things we want."
(audience laughing)
That's the meanest joke that'll be told here tonight.
(laughing)
The worst thing about being this short
is letting down child predators.
(audience laughing)
Happens all the time.
They walk past me on the street.
Oh hello, little one, how are you doing?
Sorry to disappoint both you and your mustache, sir,
but I'm 26-years-old with a 401k.
Keep it moving.
They get mad. God damn it!
What are they putting in the water?
Looking younger and younger.
They text their other child predator friends.
If you see a small African American girl
walking around, she is not, I repeat, not under 18.
Abort.
Who do child predators text when they have a problem
like as a community, like can they reach out to the...?
Any child predators in the...?
(audience laughing)
(light music)
Hi there.
- Hi, how are ya?
- Oh, uh, you're not Robert, it's okay.
It's someone else.
- No, but I can be.
- You can be Robert?
- How much?
- How much what, non-Robert?
Look, you're not the car I was expecting.
- How much, 200?
- $200?
For an Uber?
Where are you taking me, to Africa?
I'm going down the street, dude.
Look, you don't seem to be Robert.
You don't even seem to know how Uber works,
so I think I'm just gonna use Lyft instead.
- I'm not Uber, honey.
- Then why are you here?
You think I'm a prostitute, man?
- Okay, we don't need to label anything.
- I'm not labeling it. I'm not it.
- I thought you were a kid looking for guidance or fun.
- Wow, you think I'm a kid.
I'll have you know I'm 26-years-old, sir.
Yeah, not a kid. - Okay.
- You know, why am I even talking to you?
You're sick, alright.
Get the hell out of here, Robert,
before I call the cops on you.
- I'm not Robert! - Go!
Get out of here!
Nasty.
There's Robert.
(car horn honking)
Hello, hey.
- Hey there, little lady. - Hi.
- Look at you looking so young.
- Okay.
- You are Quintan, right?
- I'm not a man, and I'm 26.
Can you just take me to Rite Aid, please?
Okay, that's it for me.
(laughing)
I'm gonna go there.
Thanks guys, appreciate it.
(audience applause)
(upbeat music)