TRUMP ALSO COMPLAINED ABOUT THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE INSPECTOR
GENERAL'S REPORT THAT WAS RELEASED EARLIER THIS WEEK.
TRUMP CLAIMED THAT THE I.G.
FOUND A SERIOUS BREACH OF HIS CAMPAIGN'S RIGHTS.
>> THEN, THE INSPECTOR GENERAL'S SHOCKING REPORT PROVED THAT THE
OBAMA F.B.I. OBTAINED SECRET WARRANTS TO SPY ON MY CAMPAIGN.
THE F.B.I. ALSO SENT MULTIPLE UNDERCOVER HUMAN SPIES TO
SURVEIL AND RECORD PEOPLE ASSOCIATED WITH OUR CAMPAIGN.
>> Stephen: OKAY, THAT'S A BOLD CLAIM.
HOWEVER, THE INSPECTOR GENERAL, MICHAEL HOROWITZ, TESTIFIED ON
CAPITOL HILL TODAY AND HIS REPORT DOESN'T SAY WHAT
PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID IT DID.
>> DID YOU FIND ANYTHING WHERE THE F.B.I. PLANTED SPIES IN
MR. TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN?
>> WE FOUND NO USE OF CONFIDENTIAL HUMAN SOURCES AND
PLACING THEM IN THE CAMPAIGN.
>> Stephen: OKAY, NO HUMAN SOURCES.
HE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT ANIMALS.
BUT I SEEM TO REMEMBER AN ENORMOUS MANATEE IN A MAN-SUIT
CALLING MEXICANS RAPISTS AND ASKING RUSSIA TO RELEASE
HILLARY'S EMAILS.
I MEAN, THEY DIDN'T EVEN GIVE HIM A CONVINCING COSTUME-- THE
SKIN WAS ALL LOOSE AND ORANGE, THAT COULD HAVE-- THAT COOCH--
THAT ALMOST DESTROYED HIS CAMPAIGN.
( APPLAUSE )
BIG DEAL.
BUT THE F.B.I. SHOULD HOLD OFF ON THE VICTORY LAP, BECAUSE
ACCORDING TO THE I.G., THE F.B.I. GOT A LOT OF STUFF WRONG,
TOO, STARTING WITH HOW SLOPPY THEY WERE WHEN IT CAME TO
GETTING SURVEILLANCE WARRANTS ON AMERICAN CITIZENS.
>> WE FOUND THAT INVESTIGATORS FAILED TO MEET THEIR BASIC
OBLIGATIONS OF ENSURING THAT THE FISA APPLICATIONS WERE
SCRUPULOUSLY ACCURATE.
WE IDENTIFIED SIGNIFICANT INACCURACIES AND OMISSIONS IN
EACH OF THE FOUR APPLICATIONS.
>> Stephen: THERE WAS A BUNCH OF THEM.
ONE APPLICATION OMITTED THE FACT THAT CARTER PAGE WAS A
GOVERNMENT INFORMANT, ONE RELIED TOO MUCH ON THE STEELE DOSSIER,
AND ONE OF THEM WAS JUST, "INVESTIGATE THIS GUY, CUZ,
YEAH."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HOROWITZ SAID THAT THERE WERE F.B.I. AGENTS BOTH PRO-TRUMP AND
ANTI-TRUMP ASSIGNED TO THE CASE, BUT LINDSEY GRAHAM WANTED TO
FOCUS ON TWO IN PARTICULAR: FAMED F.B.I. LOVERS PETER STRZOK
AND LISA PAGE, AND HE READ THEIR TEXTS OUT LOUD.
>> FEBRUARY 12, 2016: "OH, HE'S TRUMP, ABYSMAL.
I KEEP HOPING THE CHARADE WILL END AND PEOPLE WILL JUST
DUMP HIM."
MARCH 3, 2016, PAGE: "GOD, TRUMP IS A LOATHSOME HUMAN."
STRZOK: "OH, MY GOD.
HE'S AN IDIOT."
"TRUMP IS A DISASTER."
"HE'S NOT EVER GOING TO BECOME PRESIDENT, RIGHT?"
"TRUMP IS AN F-ING IDIOT."
"WOW, DONALD TRUMP IS AN ENORMOUS DOUCHE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: YEAH.
A DAMNING-- A DAMNING CHAIN OF TEXTS.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY GRAHAM IS
FURIOUS.
NOT ONLY IS THAT OVERT BIAS BY F.B.I. AGENTS.
THEY'RE STEALING GRAHAM'S BEST MATERIAL.
>> YOU KNOW HOW YOU MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN?
TELL DONALD TRUMP TO GO TO HELL.
I THINK DONALD TRUMP IS A CON MAN.
I THINK HE'S A KOOK.
I THINK HE'S CRAZY.
I THINK HE'S UNFIT FOR OFFICE.
HE HAS BECOME TOXIC.
THE WORLD'S BIGGEST JACKASS.
HE'S A RACE-BAITING, XENOPHOBIC, RELIGIOUS BIGOT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LAST VERTEBRA TO LEAVE LINDSEY GRAHAM'S SPINE PLEASE REMEMBER
TO TURN OFF THE LIGHTS?
GRAHAM'S NOT THE ONLY REPUBLICAN STICKING BY TRUMP THROUGH THICK
AND...
LET'S JUST STICK WITH THICK.
HOUSE REPUBLICANS ARE FIGHTING OFF IMPEACHMENT, REGARDLESS OF
HOW IT MIGHT LOOK IN THE HISTORY BOOKS, LIKE OHIO REPRESENTATIVE
AND MAN LEARNING THEY DON'T MAKE MEAT-FLAVORED SELTZER,
JIM JORDAN.
JORDAN TOLD THE HUFFINGTON POST, WHEN IT COMES TO FUTURE
GENERATIONS, "I DON'T CARE HOW I'M REMEMBERED."
WELL, GOOD, BECAUSE THEY'VE ALREADY CARVED YOUR HEADSTONE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ANOTHER TRUMP ALLY-- IT TAKES A SECOND TO READ IT.
ANOTHER TRUMP ALLY OUT THERE WHO DOESN'T CARE HOW HISTORY
REMEMBERS HIM IS NORTH CAROLINA REPRESENTATIVE AND MAN JUST TOO
TIRED TO HAIL SATAN, MARK MEADOWS.
MEADOWS INSISTS, "MOST OF THE HISTORICAL COMMENTARY WILL BE
ABOUT THE PROCESS MORE THAN THE INDIVIDUALS."
YEAH, HISTORY IS ALL ABOUT PROCESS.
NOBODY REMEMBERS THE GUYS WHO WROTE THE CONSTITUTION.
WHAT WERE THEY CALLED?
"THE STARTER DADDIES?"
WE ALSO-- WE ALSO GOT AN INTERESTING TAKE FROM
UTAH REPRESENTATIVE AND PERSONAL ATTORNEY TO COLONEL SANDERS, ROB
BISHOP.
BISHOP HAD AN EVEN MORE DEPRESSING VIEW ON HIS LEGACY,
SAYING THAT "THE IDEA THAT HISTORY WOULD REMEMBER WHAT
REPUBLICANS DO ASSUMES "THAT WE'RE GOING TO SURVIVE IN THIS
COUNTRY LONG ENOUGH TO HAVE A HISTORY."
OKAY, THAT'S PRETTY BLEAK.
I GUESS THAT EXPLAINS HIS CAMPAIGN SLOGAN:
"BISHOP 2020: OUR BONES SHALL RETURN TO THE SILENT DUST."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IT'S PRESIDENT IS NOT THE
ONLY TRUMP EMBARRASSING OUR COUNTRY OVERSEAS.
WE JUST FOUND OUT THAT THIS PAST SUMMER, DONALD TRUMP JR. WENT TO
MONGOLIA AND KILLED AN ENDANGERED SHEEP.
FIRST OF ALL, WHO HUNTS SHEEP
I MEAN, THAT'S THE KIND OF MANLY, PAPA HEMINGWAY RUSH YOU
CAN ONLY GET BY SNEAK A HAMMER INTO A PETTING ZOO.
BUT, WAIT, IT GETS DUMBER.
ONE REASON THIS ANIMAL IS ENDANGERED IS BECAUSE IT IS
THE LARGEST SHEEP IN THE WORLD.
YES, DON JR.'S GOING AFTER ONLY THE MOST-ELUSIVE PREY.
( AS DON JR. )
MORBIDLY-OBESE SLOTH!
THE TRICK IS TO KILL THEM BEFORE THEY DIE OF CONGESTIVE HEART
FAILURE."
( LAUGHTER )
SHEEP WASN'T ACHIEVEMENT ENOUGH, DON JR. DID THE DEED AT NIGHT,
USING A RIFLE WITH A LASER SIGHT.
AND YOU, TOO, CAN EXPERIENCE ALL THE PULSE-POUNDING EXCITEMENT IN
THE NEW VIDEO GAME, "CALL OF DUTY: FARMYARD NAP TIME."
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT!