[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] [ PHONE DIALING ]
[ RINGING ] >> YELLO.
IT'S DONALD TRUMP. WHO THIS?
>> IT'S MICHAEL COHEN. GOD, I MISS YOU SO MUCH.
>> OH, HEY, WHAT'S UP, AMIGO. HOW YOU HOLDING UP IN PRISON?
>> I'M NOT IN PRISON. >> OH, WELL, GIVE IT A COUPLE OF
WEEKS. >> MR. TRUMP, WE'RE IN BIG
TROUBLE. I THINK THEY KNOW ABOUT OUR
ALLUSION-CAY AND OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE-JAY.
>> SORRY, I DON'T WANT SPEAK SPANISH.
WAIT, ARE YOU ON A SECURE LINE? >> ABSOLUTELY.
I DIALED STAR-86 BEFORE THE NUMBER, SO IT'S COMPLETELY
UNTRACEABLE. MR. TRUMP, I DON'T WANT KNOW
WHAT TO DO! YOU KEEP CHANGING YOUR STORY ON
THE STORMY DANIELS PAYMENT. >> LOOK, LET'S GET RUDY GIULIANI
ON THE PHONE. HE'LL FIX THIS.
HE'S GOT THE SHARPEST LEGAL MIND SINCE "MY COUSIN VINNIE."
>> OKAY, BUT JUST TO BE SAFE, LET ME CALL YOU BACK ON ONE OF
MY BURNER PHONES. >> WAIT, YOU KEPT THE BURNER
PHONES? THAT'S NOT GOOD.
[ DIALING ] [ RINGING ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> YES, HELLO, THIS IS DR.
HAROLD BORNSTEIN. WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW ANY OF MY
PATIENTS' MEDICAL HISTORY? >> HEY, MAN, I'M SORRY.
I TRIED TO DIAL TRUMP, DONALD, BUT I DIALED TRUMP DOCTOR.
>> IS THIS YOU, MICHAEL COHEN? MICHAEL, I'M GLAD YOU CALLED.
SOMEONE BROKE INTO MY OFFICE AND STOLE MY FILES.
I GUESS YOU COULD SAY I WAS RAPED!
>> I DON'T THINK YOU CAN SAY THAT.
>> WELL, I ALREADY DID. RAPED!
>> ALL RIGHT. CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS LATER?
>> NO. I'M -- I'M BUSY LATER.
I'M KIDDING. I HAVE ZERO COMMITMENTS
PERSONALLY OR PROFESSIONALLY. BUT IF YOU EVER WANT TO DO
DRUGS, I CAN GET YOU ALL THE DRUGS.
>> ALL RIGHT. I'LL CALL YOU BACK, HAROLD.
GOOD-BYE. >> ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, I'LL JUST BE SITTING HERE IN MY OFFICE, WHERE I LIVE.
BYE! [ DIALING ]
>> HELLO? >> HEY -- RUDY?
IS THAT YOU? >> YES.
THAT'S RIGHT. IT'S ME.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> RUDY.
RUDY GIULIANI, TRUMP'S LAWYER AND HIS WORST NIGHTMARE.
>> LOOK, RUDY, CAN WE SPEAK FREELY?
ARE YOU ALONE? >> YEAH, YEAH, I'M PRETTY MUCH
ALONE. THIS IS A COMMERCIAL BREAK,
RIGHT, TOOTS. >> NO.
>> OKAY, YEAH, WE'RE GOOD TO TALK.
WE'RE GOOD TO TALK. >> ALL RIGHT.
LET ME LOOP IN MR. TRUMP. ALL RIGHT.
IS EVERYONE ON? >> YES.
>> ALL RIGHT. GUYS, CAN WE PLEASE JUST DECIDE
ON ONE LIE AND STICK TO IT? BECAUSE OUR STORIES ARE ALL OVER
THE PLACE. >> GUYS, HOLD THAT THOUGHT.
I'M GETTING A CALL FROM WORK. >> MR. PRESIDENT, I HAVE LOST
ALL CREDIBILITY. DID YOU LIE TO ME ABOUT THE
STORMY DANIELS AFFAIR? >> YEAH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE
SOMETHING I WOULD DO. >> OKAY, GOOD!
JUST AS LONG AS WE'RE ON THE SAME PAGE.
I'M GOOD TO GO. SEE YOU MONDAY.
>> OKAY, I'M BACK. >> HEY, GUYS, GUYS, CAN WE HURRY
THIS UP. I'M SUPPOSED TO DO 25 MORE TALK
SHOW APPEARANCES TODAY AND I'M TRYING TO MAKE IT LIKE AN ADVENT
CALENDAR, YOU KNOW, WHERE I REVEAL ONE NEW CRIME ON EACH
SHOW, SO. >> HEY, I'M GETTING ANOTHER
CALL. HANG ON.
>> HELLO, MICHAEL? IT'S MELANIA.
>> OH, HEY, MELANIA! I WAS JUST TALKING TO DONALD
ABOUT -- >> OH, UH, LISTEN, I HAVE A
COMPLETELY HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION FOR A FRIEND OF MINE, OKAY?
IF YOUR HUSBAND IS ACCUSED OF CRIME, WOULD SHE HAVE TO TESTIFY
AGAINST HIM? >> NO.
>> BUT COULD SHE? IF SHE WANT TO?
>> I GUESS SHE COULD. >> OH, MY FRIEND WILL BE SO
HAPPY. THANK YOU, MICHAEL.
>> OKAY. WAIT.
WHICH PHONE WAS MR. TRUMP ON? HELLO?
>> YEAH, THIS IS OMAROSA AND I'M STILL PISSED OFF!
>> NOPE. HELLO?
>> HI, THERE, STRANGER. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
>> MIKE PENCE? >> WHO IS THIS?
I WAS TOLD THIS WAS A PARTY LINE WITH NO QUESTIONS ASKED.
>> I -- I GOT TO CALL YOU BACK. >> UH --
>> HELLO? >> YES, THIS IS IVANKA AND
JARED. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HI. HI.
HELLO. >> MICHAEL, DID WE HEAR GIULIANI
CALL JARED "DISPOSABLE" ON NATIONAL TELEVISION?
BECAUSE JARED IS FURIOUS. >> YEAH, MAN, I'M LIKE WHAT THE
HELL, I'M SO MAD RIGHT NOW. YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO SEE ME.
I COULD CUT A BITCH. DON'T EVEN TRY TO COVER FOR ME,
OKAY? >> YOU KNOW, IVANKA, YOUR DAD
WOULD DO ANYTHING TO PROTECT YOU, BUT IF HE NEEDS TO, HE
WOULD THROW JARED UNDER THE BUS IN A HEARTBEAT.
>> WHAT'D HE SAY? >> HE SAID YOU'RE FINE.
>> YOU KNOW, I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.
>> MR. TRUMP? >> WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU,
MICHAEL? I DON'T HAVE TIME TO WAIT ON
HOLD. I'M SUPPOSED TO BE MEETING WITH
MY NEW CHIEF STRATEGIST, KANYE WEST.
>> THEN WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?
>> CALL UP STORMY DANIELS AND FIX THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL.
MAYBE KEEP ME ON THE PHONE, TOO. I'LL JUST BE QUIET AND LISTEN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> MICHAEL?
>> STORMY? THIS IS MICHAEL COHEN.
ARE YOU ALONE? >> YES.
>> AND WHAT ARE YOU WEARING? >> EXCUSE ME?
>> OKAY MICHAEL, I CAN TAKE IT FROM HERE.
>> OKAY, BUT AS YOUR ATTORNEY, I HIGHLY ADVISE AGAINST YOU --
>> SO, WHAT UP, GIRL? >> HELLO, DONALD.
>> COME ON, STORMY, STOP MAKING SUCH A BIG DEAL ABOUT THIS.
EVERYONE KNOWS IT'S JUST AN ACT. >> I WORK IN A ADULT FILMS.
WE'RE NOT REALLY KNOWN FOR OUR ACTING.
>> JUST TELL ME, WHAT DO YOU NEED FOR THIS TO ALL GO AWAY?
>> A RESIGNATION. >> YEAH, RIGHT.
BEING PRESIDENT IS LIKE DOING PORN.
ONCE YOU DO IT, IT'S HARD TO DO ANYTHING ELSE.
BESIDES, MY POLL NUMBERS ARE FINALLY UP.
AND SPEAKING OF "POLLS" BEING UP -- OH, COME ON, WE'LL ALWAYS
HAVE SHARK WEEK. I SOLVED NORTH AND SOUTH KOREA.
WHY CAN'T I SOLVE US? >> SORRY, DONALD.
IT'S TOO LATE FOR THAT. I KNOW YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN
CLIMATE CHANGE, BUT A A-COMING, BABY.
>> I'VE NEVER BEEN SO SCARED AND SO HORNY AT THE SAME TIME.
AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]