- In 2016, Ann Summers conducted a fetish survey in the UK
of 2,300 people,
and they found that 75% of people have at least one fetish.
The main fetish reported was BDSM.
And now it's not surprising to me at all
that 75% of people who answered an Ann Summers survey
would say that they are into BDSM.
But BDSM is not the exact same thing as a fetish.
Yes, there is some crossover
but kinks and fetishes are different.
This video is going to be all about the differences
between kinks and fetishes,
it's one that I have been wanting to make for a while now.
So, let's dive straight in
with understanding a bit more about kink.
Kinks.
There are lots of different definitions to what kink is
and also lots of people will have
their own personal definitions to what it means to them.
But just so that we're all on the same page here,
I'm going to be defining kinks as
non-normative intimate behaviour and interests.
And note that I said intimate and not sexual
but we'll get onto that later.
Now, in order to define what is non-normative,
we first have to have a definition of what is normative.
And now,
here's the kicker.
Normative intimate sexual behaviour
is heterosexual penis and vagina penetration,
missionary position within a marriage
and both people are cis and able bodied.
Now, you might be thinking,
well, doesn't that then make most things
and most people in their sexual behaviour and interests
non-normative?
Well, yes.
Yes, that would.
Where is the line?
Where is the line between normative and kinky?
And that's where it comes down to this personal definitions
and all of these different, different various definitions
and also what is normative,
obviously changes with culture and history
and different societies.
Like, anal sex back in 2005,
definitely not as normative as it is now
if you're like, a cis-het couple.
And also, a lot of kinks that people think are unusual
are actually really common.
BDSM equipment is sold in mainstream sex shops and online,
like, it is really accessible.
Also, the popularity of 50 Shades of Grey,
I mean, come on.
And of course, our 75% of people
from this Ann Summers survey say they're into BDSM.
I personally like to see it as a spectrum of kinks.
And at one end, you've got your bedroom kink,
which is your handcuffs, your blindfolds, your spanking,
maybe a little bit of role play
and that's all happening in the bedroom in private.
And then all the way at the other end,
you've got your kinkster.
They are involved in the kink community,
it is a part of their identity,
and maybe they go to public kink events and parties.
And whilst kink can be a strong part of a person's identity,
it's not considered a sexual orientation.
And one of the reasons for this
is that kink isn't always sexual.
It may seem like from the mainstream perspective
that kink is inherently sexual, but that is not the case.
And I would highly recommend listening to
the "Doing It" podcast episode that we did with Evie Lupine,
who is a kinkster, who is asexual
and we talk all about how kink isn't necessarily sexual,
for her and also for lots of other people.
For many people,
kink is a really intense hobby, a sport, a leisure activity
and even an art form or spiritual practise.
And whilst we're here, let's do a quick
what does BDSM stand for?
BDSM stands for bondage, discipline, dominance,
submission, sadism, and masochism.
Yes, that's right.
It's a four letter initialism that stands for six things.
It can involve many, many things,
and just some of them include tying someone up,
being tied down, flogging, spanking,
blindfolding, role-playing, and power exchanges.
So, kink is this really broad term
and it can mean anything from a premarital
to a full on dom sub power exchange relationship
with your very own sex dungeon.
What fun.
I think I sit,
I dunno, closer to this end
but a bit further along than the premarital handjob.
So, we sometimes hear the word fetish
to describe something that is actually a kink.
Now, all fetishes are kinks because they're non-normative
but not all kinks are fetishes.
So, what is a fetish?
Fetishes.
Unlike kink, there is a medical and psychiatric background
to the definition of fetishes.
You may have heard of the term paraphilias
which describe abnormal sexual desires listed in the DSM-5,
which is a diagnostic manual
for diagnosing mental disorders.
There are two criteria for diagnosing a paraphilia.
The first is that it has to be
a recurrent and intense sexual arousal
over a period of at least six months.
And the second is that the urges have been acted on
with a non-consenting person
or it's causing significant distress or an impairment
in normal functioning such as social life or work.
The vast majority of fetishes are not paraphilia
and can be a healthy part of someone's sexuality.
Also, the whole concept of diagnosing paraphilia
has its own problematic history.
For example, homosexuality
used to be considered a mental disorder
and was listed as a paraphilia in the DSM.
So, if a fetish isn't a paraphilia
and it isn't a kink, what exactly is a fetish?
A fetish is a sexual fixation on an object or a body part
that isn't typically sexual
and it can also be around activities
and behaviours like tickling.
And here's how it's different to kink.
Kinks, not necessarily sexual.
Fetishes, inherently sexual.
Kinks, a preference.
For fetishes, whatever it is,
it is necessary for pleasure, arousal and/or orgasm.
It must be present or interacted with
or thought about in some way.
So there are some unknowns and lots of unknowns
when it comes to fetishes.
It is more common in cis men than it is in cis women.
The causes of fetishes,
still up for debate.
One of the main theories is about conditioning in childhood
where one thing is paired with another,
for example, an object with sexual thoughts or behaviour.
But it's also now thought
that there has to be another thing at play
and not just this conditioning.
Sexual imprinting but not the same as in twilight,
happens to all of us from a young age.
It's how we learn about what is sexually desirable
from our culture, our surroundings, and our upbringing.
We know that the most popular fetish is feet and toes
and there's a neurological reason to why this may be so.
In the part of the brain that processes sensory functions,
your feet and toes is right next to your genitals.
Obviously, not on your actual body
but according to your brain, they're neighbours.
And there is potentially a fetish
for anything and everything.
Think of a thing that exists.
There may be someone out there with a fetish for that.
This light reflector, fetish.
Love it.
And that to me just shows also like,
how diverse and unique human sexuality is.
Most fetishists aren't harmful,
but some can be harmful to others
or to the person with the fetish themselves.
If someone's fetish is causing them distress
or harm to other people,
then some people with fetishes do seek treatment
such as therapy
where they can learn to live with their fetish
in a more healthy way.
But I also do want to add
that the personal distress that can be caused
by having a fetish is that because of the fetish itself
or because of the social stigma surrounding fetishes.
Many, many people have really fulfilling sex lives
incorporating their fetish.
Again, I would definitely recommend listening to
an episode we did on "Doing It"
with the lovely ladies from ComeCurious.
Reed talked all about her experience with her tickle fetish
and how she came to terms with it
and embrace it and love it.
So, things like kink and BDSM
are definitely becoming more mainstream
but there is still a lot of social taboo
and a lack of understanding around fetishes.
And of course it goes without saying
that consent is crucial when engaging in different kinks,
fetishes, and any sexual activity.
Thank you so much for watching this video
and thank you to my patrons for supporting this channel
and the sex education content that we make here.
If you want to join our lovely community of sex nerds,
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then you can check it out.
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I would love to hear your thoughts
on all of this in the comments as well.
On my bedroom kink to kinkster spectrum,
where do you sit.
If you are willing to share.
I hope that you're doing well
and I'll see you in the next video.
Bye.
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