>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK.
MY NEXT GUEST IS A STAND-UP COMEDIAN MAKING THEIR NETWORK
TELEVISION DEBUT.
PLEASE WELCOME, CAITLIN WEIERHAUSER!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> WHAT'S UP, NEW YORK!
AND THE WORLD!
WOOO!
WE NEED BETTER GUN RULES!
WOOO!
( APPLAUSE )
I'VE KNOWN THIS SINCE I WASSITIY-BITTY.
I GREW UP OUT IN THE WOODS IN OREGON.
AWAY FROM CIVILIZATION.
IT WAS WEIRD, YEAH.
I BELIEVED IN MY HEART AND BODY AND SOUL THAT EWAKS LIVED IN THE
FOREST BEHIND MY HOUSE.
YEAH, FROM THE TIME I WAS LITTLE AND ALSO FOR WAY TOO LONG, YEAH.
( LAUGHTER )
GUN BEFORE A BICYCLE.
OKAY.
YEAH, WE NEED BETTER RULES.
ALSO, BECAUSE THE FIRST THING I TRIED TO DO WITH MY GUN WAS HUNT
AN EWOK.
OH!
THEY'RE NOT CRITTERS.
YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?
NO, THEY HAVE A LANGUAGE, AND A CULTURE.
THEY'RE A PEOPLE!
THEY'RE A PEOPLE.
YEAH.
AND I'M GOING TO MURDER ONE, OKAY.
BARBECUE IT PROBABLY.
WE NEED BETTER RULES.
I WAS RAISED JUST BY MY DAD, WHICH PROBABLY EXPLAINS... YOU
KNOW.
( LAUGHTER )
EXPLAINS WHY I TURNED OUT PERFECT, I THINK?
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU.
I KNOW THAT'S NOT WHY I'M BUTCH.
I KNOW MY DAD DIDN'T MAKE ME BUTCH.
I FOUND OUT RECENTLY WHY I THINK I AM LIKE THIS.
IT'S BECAUSE I FOUND OUT RECENTLY THAT I WAS THE FIRST
GIRL BORN IN MY-- AND "GIRL" IS A STRONG TERM.
LET'S STOP THERE.
I FEEL LIKE I'M, LIKE, PART TIME, LIKE TUESDAYS AND
THURSDAYS.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
YEAH.
I FOUND OUT I WAS THE FIRST GIRL BORN IN MY FAMILY IN FIVE
GENERATIONS, RIGHT?
AND THE SECOND I LEARNED THAT, I WAS LIKE, "OH, THAT MAKES A TON
OF SENSE, YEAH, YEAH.
OH, YEAH, THERE IT IS.
I DEFINITELY FEEL LEAK A FIRST DRAFT.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
( LAUGHTER )
THANK YOU.
( APPLAUSE )
DADS JUST GOT TOGETHER AND THEY WERE LIKE, "AH, ALL RIGHT!
I GUESS WE CAN MAKE THE OTHER KIND.
MAKE HER STURDY, FUR SURE.
LET'S DO THAT, YEAH.
LOOK LIKE SHE CAN CHOP WOOD.
DO THAT.
MAKE HER GOOD AT SPORTS?
NO?
ALL RIGHT, HOW ABOUT THEATER?
HOW ABOUT THAT?
LET'S MAKE HER LOOK LIKE HOME DEPOT NEEDS A BOUNCE PERP I HAVE
BEEN TRYING TO LIVE MY BEST LIFE.
I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO DO THE MOST, BE THE MOST.
UPDATE MY GENDER EVERY SEASON.
ANYONE ELSE?
ANYONE?
ANYONE ELSE?
GET ON MY LEVEL!
DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?
CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE!
BE WHO YOU ARE!
THE WORLD IS YOUR ASHTRAY.
I THINK I FINALLY FOUND MY.
I THINK I FINALLY SETTLED ON P.E. TEACHER.
YEAH.
I THINK I NAILED IT.
( LAUGHTER )
DO YOU FEEL IT?
DO YOU SEE IT?
DO YOU HEAR IT?
"JOHNSON, HUSTLE!"
I KNOW!
YEAH!
I WILL SAY, ALSO, AS A PROUD BUTCH AMERICAN, THAT THERE ARE
SOME PRIVILEGES THAT GO ALONG WITH THE JOB.
LIKE, I GET FUN CONVERSATION STARTERS.
LET'S CALL THEM THAT.
I GET YELLED THIS AT LEAST THREE TIMES A DAY--
SIR-MA'AM-LADY-DADDY!
AH...
( LAUGHTER )
YUP.
YEAH.
( APPLAUSE )
ONE OFF, YEAH.
YOU CAN TAKE A LAP.
THAT IS FUN.
THERE IS ONE I WILL ADMIT I GET THEY DON'T LIKE, IS MY LEAST
FAVORITE.
I WISH IT WOULD STOP.
SING ALONG IF YOU KNOW THE WORDS.
IT'S THIS "THIS IS THE LADIES' ROOM!"
IT'S RUDE.
STARTLING.
I'M IN LINE TO GO PEE-PEE.
KNOCK IT OFF.
ALSO, SCREW YOU, AMBER!
BEE CAME IN HERE TOGETHER!
YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M GOING TO TAKE YOUR PURSE AND YOU CAN EARN IT
BACK WHEN YOU LEARN TO MIND YOUR MANNERS.
THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH.
YOU'VE BEEN WONDERFUL.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: CAITLIN WEIERHAUSER,
EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.